Chapter 10

The stars have all stopped shining, the sun just won't break through.

Flinching as the chart clanged against the counter, Robin looked up from her file and was met by Patrick's eyes glaring at her furiously.

"Did you talk my patient out of surgery?" he asked in a clipped tone.

"I didn't talk him out of it, I simply presented the risks to him if he went ahead with procedure."

"Didn't you think I had already done that?"

She shrugged non-commitally. "I think he needed another view point. The surgery you are proposing has a less than 35 success rate and he needs to know there is a greater than likely chance that he will die on the table."

His mouth dropped open in shock and he simply stared at her. It had been almost two weeks since April Gilbert's death and Robin's outlook was increasingly bleak. They had managed only a few dates in that time and most of them ended early with her complaining of fatigue. He had done everything he could think of to draw her out but she only pushed him away harder, hiding behind her walls. Her sombre mood was now carrying over in to her work. Where she used to be optimistic and encouraging, she was now flat and demoralizing.

"That is not your call to make" he shot back.

"You asked me to consult on the case" she replied evenly, almost with disinterest.

"A decision I am regretting more and more by the minute" he muttered under his breath.

"You are giving him false hope by letting him think you can fix him."

Patrick heard the accusation in her tone. "You mean like I gave April false hope?"

Robin sighed loudly and rolled her eyes. "We both gave her false hope and it was a mistake. One I'm not willing to make a second time so from now on I'm telling patients the truth and I would encourage you to do the same. You may be a brilliant surgeon Patrick but you aren't a miracle worker. Patients die and it's our job to prepare them for that when we can't save them." Gathering up her files, she strode away leaving him stunned in to silence.

Shaking the cobwebs from his head he sprinted down the hallway after her, grabbing hold of her arm. "We did not give her false hope - we gave her an amazing couple of weeks" he countered.

Robin stared at his fingers wrapped around her arm and then slowly raised her eyes to meet his. "We were full of promises and optimism and we were wrong. It was cruel and mean and I will not be a part of it again. If you want to, that's your business."

"That's ENOUGH!" he yelled, letting go of her arm. Robin stepped back, blinking in surprise at his sudden outburst. Dragging his hand through his hair, he inhaled sharply. "Look I know it's been a rough time for you and I am trying to be as supportive as I can but this fatalistic attitude of yours has got to stop Robin. Not everything is doom and gloom. If you keep this up you are going to push me away - for good."

Chewing on her bottom lip, she stared at her shoes unwilling to meet his eyes. "Good" she said softly. "It's for the best anyways. You don't need to be involved with someone like me." As she made a move away from him, he reached out yet again and took her hand.

"Robin" he said softly, his frustration dissipating. "I don't want someone else - I want you. I want to be involved with you but you need to meet me part way here."

Shrugging, she pulled her hand away. "What's the point?" she asked before disappearing down the corridor.

Leaning against the wall, Patrick banged his head against it, rubbing his hands over his face.

Knocking lightly on the door, he poked his head through. "Hey - got time for an interloper?"

Lainey looked up from her desk and smiled. "Why Patrick Drake, I've heard you called many things but interloper was never one of them" He grinned sheepishly as she waved him in. "What can I do for you?"

"Can I get an off the record professional opinion?"

"Robin?"

He nodded. After their argument in the hallway, he had gone to the roof alternately hoping that she might be there or that it would provide him with the same perspective that it often provided to her. His initial instinct was to blow her off, that he didn't this kind of complication in his life. In fact this was exactly the type of complication he had spent years running from. He toyed with the idea of just clocking off, heading to the nearest bar and finding a warm body to snuggle up to - a sure fire remedy from the past. But it was solution that left him feeling empty. He didn't want a warm body to snuggle up to, he wanted Robin's warm body. He didn't want to blow her, he wanted her to stop hurting. He loved her and wanted to be with her and only her.

"What's going on?" Lainey prodded.

Leaning forward, his elbows on his knees, he brought Lainey up to speed on the changes in Robin's behaviour and the incidents that had triggered it. "I think she's depressed or has survivor's guilt or some kind of combination" he proposed, "what do you think?"

Lainey smiled sympathetically. "Patrick it would be irresponsible of me to offer an opinion on Robin without having an opportunity to speak with her."

He rolled his eyes in frustration. "Lainey I'm not asking for a definitive diagnosis but she's ...she's hurting so badly and I want to help but I don't know how."

Removing her glasses from her face, she leaned back in her chair. "Okay, off the record and based on nothing more than what you've told me and the little I've seen of her in the last few weeks I would say it's completely possible that she's suffering from a mild depression. It's not abnormal for someone with a terminal illness to have peaks and valleys. Moments that remind her of her own mortality or her own illness can lead to depression."

"She's been so good to me Lainey - holding my hand, taking care of me, allaying my fears and worries and I feel absolutely impotent to help her."

"I suspect," she said softly, "that your HIV exposure factors in to her feelings right now. She's already lost one man she loves to the disease and the idea that she could lose another is probably sending her brain in to overdrive."

His tongue darted out, moistening his dry lips. "You...you think she loves me."

It was the young psychiatrist's turn to roll her eyes. "Are you blind Patrick? She's crazy about you. She has done everything she can not to fall in love with you and fell anyways - kind of like you, really."

His cheeks flushed in embarassment. "I never - I mean - I've not..." he stammered.

"Yeah, yeah" she waved her hand dismissively. "You haven't told her, she hasn't told you and you'll both dance around it until you have no choice but to tell each other."

Smirking, he knew that she was right. "Now that you've shrunk me, care to tell me how to help her?"

"Truthfully Patrick? I'm not sure you can. Robin needs support from people who understand what she's going through."

"Like me going to Al-Anon?" he offered.

"Exactly. It doesn't mean you can't support her and be a source of strength for her but there is a freedom in room full of people who are living the same experience as you that doesn't exist with your boyfriend. Most people, especially people as intuitive as Robin, will hold back sharing their fears with someone they love because they don't want to burden them."

Blowing out his cheeks, he found himself feeling worse instead of better. "So what do I do?"

Pulling open a drawer, Lainey removed a couple of pamphlets and handed them to him. "There are a few support groups for people living with HIV here at GH and downtown. Have a conversation with her, reaffirm that you support her and care for her and talk to her about these groups. It may even be helpful for you to share your Al-Anon experience with her."

Patrick flashed her a grateful smile and gathered up the pamphlets. "Thanks Lainey - I appreciate it." Heading out the door, he rushed to the locker room to change out of his scrubs and make a beeline for her apartment.

"We're going to get through this Robin - I'm not giving up on you yet" he said to himself as he pulled from the parking garage.