Chapter 13

And is this a place I can slowly face

The only one I can truly know

Patrick had no idea how long he had been asleep but was suddenly wide awake as he felt Robin move away from him. Sitting up, he wiped the sleep from his eyes as his eyes adjusted to the dark. "Hey" he called sleepily to her, "you okay?"

Robin stopped with her hand on the door and slowly turned around. "Hey" she smiled sheepishly. "I'm...I'm hungry and was going to get a snack. Do you want some?"

"Sure" he agreed, watching her as she disappeared out the door. She had cried, almost silently, for nearly an hour. He had done the only thing he was sure would not make the situation worse: he held her. He had stroked her hair and rubbed her back and wondered just how long she had been carrying this much pain. Anger had also boiled up inside him as he questioned what kind of friends she had that had been unable or unwilling to see the state she was in. Her situation did not pop up overnight and how was it that no one in her life had even noticed that she was suffering? Reaching over to the nightstand, he flicked on the tiny lap perched at the far end.

At least in his situation the few friends he did have pulled no punches. He had been spiralling out of control through his residency until his advisor and his colleagues all told him that he needed help. His advisor had gone so far as to tell him he was not going to be welcome in the program unless he took some steps and that was how, at age 25 he found himself at his first Al-Anon meeting. By no means a poster child for well adjusted when it came to dealing with his father and the still simmering anger that he had, he had at least made himself functional on good days and on bad days he had a place to go to help him through. But what did Robin have? It seemed to him that more people took than gave to her. The thought stopped him in his tracks as he realized he would need to examine himself to find out if he fell into that category as well. That he was a selfish person was not in question but he didn't truly know if he was selfish when it came to her.

"Okay clearly I need to do some groceries" she said as she came back in to the room balancing two bowls and a cereal box. Setting it down on the bed, she tucked her legs up underneath her and pulled an elastic from the nightstand to tie up her hair.

"Fruit Loops?" he asked, his eyebrow arched questioningly.

"Well it was that or a mouldy bagel - your choice."

"Yum!" he grinned, pouring the cereal in to the two bowls. "I've always liked the green ones."

Dropping her eyes to the food in front of her, Robin smiled weakly and began to absently stack the loops on the ends of her fingers. She had no idea what to say - whether to keep it light or to start revealing all. He had told her that he was in love with her and all she had managed to do was hiss and scream at him; it would not go down as the most gracious response to a declaration of love ever. In the part of her mind not cloaked in darkness she knew that it had been an enormous leap of faith for him to tell her that.

"It's not too late" she said quietly, bringing a pink loop to her lips.

"Not too late for what?" He leaned back against the pillows and balanced the bowl on his knees as he picked out the green loops.

"To take it back -to take back that you're in love with me."

Cocking his head to the side, he studied her carefully. "Why would I want to do that? Do you think I don't mean it?"

Robin shrugged wishing she could be more elegant but elegance required energy she did not have. "I thought...I mean...if you said it to get me to do something...I wouldn't hold it against you."

Taking the bowl and placing it on the nightstand, he rolled on to his stomach and stared at her. "Robin - I'm just not that manipulative. I would sooner throw you over my shoulder and carry you to see a psychiatrist than tell you I love you if I don't mean it. I meant every word of it. I love you - I'm in love with you and you aren't going to get rid of me."

Nervously chewing on her bottom lip, she sighed heavily. "I'm sorry" she whispered.

Reaching up he touched his fingertips to her lips. "You have nothing to apologize for."

"That was a pretty big moment for you and I kind of pooped all over it" she said with a wry grin.

"Yes" he sighed dramatically, "I will be the laughing stock when the guys and I get together to share our feelings about our women. But hopefully with enough chocolate chip ice cream and a few hugs they can get me through it."

Groaning, Robin reached behind her and taking hold of her pillow, smacked him with it. "You're a brat"

"And that" he laughed lightly, pointing to her face, "is the first smile I've seen in a long time. Welcome back smile" he said, pushing himself up on his elbows and stealing a kiss.

Robin scooted down on the bed, mirroring his position and let her fingers trail over his. "I have a long history" she began softly, "of people in my life telling me they love me and then leaving. I'm kind of hard-wired now to be suspicious of it all."

"Stone?" he asked daringly.

She nodded, swallowing thickly. "Ironically though, he would have stayed if he could have - but my parents, Sonny, Jason, even Brenda for a while. I have become so used to being alone that it...it makes me nervous to get close to someone."

Pursing his lips together, he nodded in understanding. "Is it...is it because you're HIV positive?"

"I'm sure that's part of it but really - my parents happened long before I was HIV positive. Though I expect people to leave I never get used to it."

"So if I were to tell you that I'm here for the long haul?"

"I wouldn't believe you. But it's nice to hear" she added in a whisper.

The two laid side by side on their stomachs, their heads turned to face each other, saying nothing. The feelings churning inside where so new to him he did not have the vocabulary to describe them. It was more than wanting to take care of her, he wanted to take her pain away. He wanted to lift her of the burden she had carried for so long and help her be carefree again. Every once in a while he caught a glimpse of what she must have been like before, a glimpse of the teenage girl that Stone Cates fell for. Her brown eyes would twinkle and her lips would curl in to a smile and he could just tell there was an impish, mischevious side to her but she rarely let that Robin out to play.

"Have you ever talked to anyone about your HIV?" he asked quietly. Robin's eyes remained looked on his and she shook her head simply. "Not even your friends?"

Reaching out to him, she let her finger curl through the soft hair at the base of his neck her own skin shivering as she touched him. "What is there to say?"

Patrick's eyes widened in surprise. "What is there to say? Robin..." he stammered hoarsely.

She shrugged lightly. "I can't do that to them Patrick - I can't tell them the thoughts rolling around in my head. Do you have any idea of what me having HIV did to them?"

"To them? To THEM?" He shook his head in amazement. "Robin - you are the one who is HIV positive and however hard it is for your friends they can just suck it up! You live with this. What kind of friends..."

"NO!" she exclaimed loudly, pulling herself to a sitting position. "You don't get to judge my friends - you weren't here - you don't know."

His face softened as he looked at her. It was time to back off and he knew it - like dealing with his mother's death and with his father's abandonment he knew that success was measured in inches, not miles. "I'm sorry" he said gently. "You know me - bull in a china shop."

Smiling, she moved closer towards him. "We should probably get some sleep - you have surgery tomorrow." Robin picked up the bowl and the cereal box, putting them on the floor. Patrick pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it to the side. Holding his arms opened to her, he waited for her to crawl inside; he did not have to wait for long. Robin snuggled up against him, her arms snaking tightly around his waist. He pulled the elastic from her hair letting it splay over his chest.

"I know it's kind of anti-climatic" she began softly, "but...I love you Patrick - for the first time in a long time I've risked my heart and it's paid off. I got you - and you're pretty terrific. I've loved you for a long time now."

"Oh yeah?" he asked in amusement, gazing down at her face.

"Yeah"

Dipping his head, he captured her lips in a slow, soft, sensual kiss. Gently pulling away, he smiled at her. "For the record, hearing you tell me you love me could never be anti-climatic."