Chapter 20

So we struggle and we stagger
Down the snakes and up the ladder

As he scrambled to a sitting position the throbbing in his head overwhelmed him and Patrick cradled his head in his hands, groaning.

Rising from his chair, Eric carefully pushed his friend back against the pillow before offering him a bottle of water.

"Small sips Pat."

"I know" he grumbled. "I'm a doctor too."

"Really?" he asked, his eyebrow raised in surprise. "Then why does your girlfriend think you have the flu when you're having seizures?"

Squeezing his eyes shut, he let out a long, steady breath. Eric was his closest friend, his oldest friend; the benefit of that was that he knew almost everything about him and they had their own shorthand with each other. The downside was there was nowhere to hide when he wanted it most.

"Can you give me a minute to get my bearings before you lecture me?"

Eric shrugged and settled back into the chair, folded his arms across his chest and waited. Theirs was a friendship built on as much honesty as two people could handle. They had shared too much, lived through too many moments, big and small, for there to be anything but complete honesty with each other.

Taking several more sips of the water and feeling the fog around his brain start to lift, Patrick exhaled slowly and set the water down on the nightstand.

"Sorry" he muttered, aware he had snapped at Eric.

"No worries."

Patrick stared straight ahead, as he dragged his hand through his hair. An expectant silence hung in the air.

"Stop staring at me like that."

"Like what?"

Turning his gaze to his friend, he rolled his eyes. "Like you want something from me."

"I do. Dude, I was sitting out there," he pointed to the living room, "and I heard you thrashing about. I come in to find you in the grips of a full seizure. And this is on the heels of you calling me, telling me you need my help. So I do want something from you – an answer."

"Eric…"

"Pat. Don't even try to come up with a lie. Your brain is swiss cheese right now. Just give me the details."

"I don't know what's wrong."

"Bullshit."

"Eric, I don't. I had a hand tremor for a while and thought it was a reaction to the PEP protocol. The seizures are new."

Eric's face softened as he saw the fear flash through Patrick's eyes. His friend was in trouble. "Patrick, you are one of the most conscientious doctors I know, I don't understand how you haven't done anything about this – no MRI, no CAT scan-"

Interrupting, he said, "I was going to."

He shook his head. "This is not like you. What is going on?"

Kicking back the covers, he swung his feet on to the floor and rose unsteadily from the bed. Walking around, he sat on the edge nearest to Eric, giving him a faint smile.

"It's just been busy – I've had…I've had a lot on my plate. Robin's been going through some stuff."

Even as the words left his mouth he was well aware of how feeble they sounded. How, if it were anyone he cared about giving such weak answers, he would frogmarch them to the nearest hospital and subject them to every test he could in order to get to the bottom of it.

"Dude," was all Eric offered as a response.

"I mean it – she's…it's not been easy for her and I'm trying to support her."

"You mean you're trying to hide behind whatever she's going through so you don't have to deal with it," he clarified. "This is so like you – when you find a part of reality that doesn't suit you, you do everything you can to avoid it, ignore it or change it into something else. Patrick – you and I both know that seizures are a symptom of a greater problem-"

"Christ I know that!" he snapped, before groaning at his own impatience. "It's why I called you" he amended softly. "You – you're the only one that I trust."

"What about your old man?"

Patrick shrugged and dropped his gaze to his hand and his nervously rubbed his index finger. He had contemplated talking to Noah, had even gone by his office on several occasions, but in the end could not bring himself to ask his father. Their relationship was enough of an emotional minefield without adding his maybe being sick to the mix.

"I'd prefer you."

Eric exhaled slowly. "Okay" he agreed. "Patrick, you know I'll be with you no matter what."

"I know" he concurred with a small smile. "If for no other reason I have the photos of you in drag from first year."

Rolling his eyes in response, he shook his head. "Why do you always forget that I have you in that nurses' costume?"

"I burned that one" he stated confidently.

"For a smart boy, you forgot about the negatives."

"I hate you."

"I know." Rubbing his hand over his face, he studied his friend. "Are you going to tell Robin?"

"Tell Robin what?"

Both men snapped their heads up at the sound of Robin's voice and Patrick looked nervously from his girlfriend to his friend, shooting Eric a pleading look. Rising from his chair, Eric's face split into a wide grin.

"I was just asking him if he was going to tell you how he got named Pantsy."

Robin paused for a moment, believing the conversation she had stumbled on to perhaps be too serious to be just about nicknames but neither man seemed to be willing to say any differently.

"Pantsy, huh?"

Patrick rolled his eyes. "I'm not sure I'm ready for you two to spend any time together" he said, getting to his feet.

Seeing him sway slightly, Eric got up quickly and offered him a steadying arm. "Easy there champion, the flu can knock the stuffing out of you."

"Yeah, yeah. Just because you finished ahead of me at school you think you're smarter than me."

"I don't think it," he corrected. "I know it."

Robin carefully watched the interaction. There had been few opportunities to see her boyfriend around people who knew him well. They socialized often but generally with colleagues from work or her friends, who were fast becoming his. This was the first time she got to see him on his own turf, as it were. And she liked it.

As the three walked the living room, she remarked on how at ease Patrick was with Eric. She couldn't tell if his defences were down or if Eric had just worked his way so far past them they were irrelevant. She witnessed a real bond between the do and that reassured her. So much of Patrick's life, from what he had shared, had been him alone, reinforcing himself to take on the world. But watching him now she was comforted that he hadn't always been alone, that there had been someone who had managed to see past it all and find the amazing person he was. Just like she had.

"So Eric, how long are you staying in town for?" Robin asked as she unpacked the soup.

He cast a quick glance at his friend before looking back at the petite brunette. "I just finished a conference in Rome and I have a few weeks of leave to take so I thought I'd spend at least one of those weeks here with Pants-I mean Patrick."

Sitting next to Patrick on the couch, Robin gently touched his leg. "Am I going to get the Pantsy story or what?"

Blowing on his spoon to cool the soup, he gave a small shake of his head. "You haven't earned it yet."

"I haven't?" she asked in surprise. "Um, I think I have earned it – over and over again. In fact I think I may have earned it the other night-"

"Whoa! Best friend in the room and not ready for this conversation" Eric interjected with a laugh. Robin met his eyes with a wink.

Eric smiled as Patrick leaned in closer to Robin, almost fusing their bodies together. He whispered an outrageous comment to her, causing her to throw her head back and laugh freely. There was a way that he looked at her that Eric had never seen before. Even if he hadn't already told him that he was in love with Robin, one look at his best friend and he would have known.

Patrick Drake – ladies' man, charmer, commitment-phobe and generally melancholy – was happy. For the first time as an adult he was truly happy and Eric felt relief. He had long believed that this day might never come, that his friend was destined to never get out of his own way and let all that life had to offer, happen.

The irony, of course, was now that he had finally opened himself up he was at risk of losing it. Seeing him with Robin, his fear and his reticence to act on his condition now made much more sense to Eric.

Wiping his hands on his jeans, he smiled at them both as he rose to his feet. "I should get going."

Robin looked up at him in surprise. "Did…did you want some guy time – I could go and let you guys catch up" she offered.

"That's very generous Robin but not necessary. I'm jet lagged and in desperate need of my bed. My room wasn't ready when I arrived which is why I came up here to check on Pat. I'm going to crash for a while and then catch up with our boy tomorrow."

Sitting the soup bowl on the table Patrick got up and walked his friend to the door, giving him a quick hug. "Thanks for coming" he said genuinely. "It's…I'm glad you're here."

Eric looked at him intently. "I am always here for you" he said with his voice barely above a whisper. "Whatever you need."

"Thanks."

"Tell Robin" he urged quietly.

"Can't."

Eric nodded and put his hand on the doorknob. "This conversation isn't over – just tabled." Looking past Patrick's shoulder, he waved to Robin. "It was really great to meet you Robin. I look forward to trading stories and embarrassing pictures soon."

Giggling, she covered her mouth with her hand. "You too Eric."

He looked back at Patrick and put his hand on his shoulder. "Be good."

"Always."

Patrick sighed with relief as the door closed behind Eric – relief that his friend was here and he could finally start to give voice to his concerns. He was counting on him to get him through this so that he could be the person Robin needed him to be, the person he knew he could be.