Chapter 22

We're careful and we're cunning but we're easily bruised
I don't want to kid about it, I'm not bulletproof

Watching as Eric closed the door behind him, dread began to work its way through his body beginning at his toes and slowly moving up. It wouldn't be long until it engulfed him completely. He never took his eyes from his friend as he crossed the room and settled in the chair across from him.

"Well what? You just going to leave me hanging? Did the MRI show anything?"

Nodding, Eric pushed the paper containing his results across the desk towards him.

Patrick locked eyes with his friend one final time before picking up the paper. Everything, every relationship he had - with his father, with his friend, with his girlfriend - would all change the minute he read the results. The nervousness and fear he had experienced in the days following his exposure to AIDS suddenly paled as he tried to read his friend's face. There was no hint of any emotion in Eric's face but then again for as long as Patrick had known, he had always done his best to be unreadable. Eric hated people trying to read him as much as Patrick did - it was one more thing in a friendship forged through deep roots that bonded them.

His normally steady hand trembled as he reached for the report. The only sound to be heard in his office was the crinkling of the paper as he unfolded it. Expertly scanning the plethora of material, his breath hitched as he came to the section that mattered the most to him. Having read it once, he shook his head in disbelief and looked back to the top of the page where the patient name was listed to ensure that it was really his report.

He read it again.

And again.

And as he read it the fourth time, his eyes started to mist over. It was only five words but they were five words that had enough power to blow his life apart. Every nerve ending felt like it was short circuiting. The deep breath he took, intended to calm him, only made his heart hammer harder. His mouth dropped open in a vain attempt to take in as much oxygen as possible as he tossed the paper back on to the desk.

"No" was the only word to escape from the back of his throat.

"Patrick, I ran the results twice and had my colleague in New York look at it as well. It's definitive."

Pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes, he exhaled slowly. "This can't be," he said, recovering his voice. "This...not this - anything but this."

Leaning forward, Eric tried to catch Patrick's eye. "Patrick - there is good news in there-"

"Good news?" he yelped. "GOOD news??? Have you lost your mind? No wait - that's what's waiting for me..."

"Patrick!" Eric said sharply in an attempt to quiet him. "Before you start running away with worst case scenarios, let's look at the facts."

Folding his arms across his chest, he leaned back in his chair and stared up at the ceiling. He could feel his heart cracking inside his chest and hope seeping away from him. Not a surprise really. Hope was a nebulous concept for him. It was easy for him to encourage others, especially patients, not lose hope or faith as they were struggling but as with so many other things, following one's own advice was infinitely more difficult. Holding on to hope, for him, was akin to trying to nail jello to the wall.

"Facts?" he asked as he sat up straight. "You want to talk facts, fine. Let's talk about them - I have a meningioma, in my temporal lobe. I have a build up of spinal fluid in my brain which is one of the reasons why I can't hold a scalpel steady long enough to complete a surgery and why I'm having seizures. And let's look at the most important fact of all" he spat angrily, "my mother died - DIED - because of meningioma. So excuse me for not finding the good news in all this."

Rising angrily to his feet, he kicked his chair back and began to pace. His brain was a hurricane of thoughts and feelings - most of them involving Robin. He wanted her in his office; he wanted to throw his arms around her and hold to her like she was a life raft. He wanted to spend the day making love to her over and over again until he had had enough. But there was no such thing as enough when it came to her. There was never a moment where preferred to be alone than with her. He had no idea when the shift happened but it did and now she was so inextriciably woven in his life, he didn't know what it would be like to be without her.

But he would have to figure out how because he was going to run out of time. And he would not let Robin see that. It was out of the question for her to see him through to the end. Before Eric had appeared at his door he had been worried about Robin running out of time - it had never occurred to him that he would be the one without enough time.

Eric watched him pace and noticing his breathing had slowed somewhat, he stood up and leaned against the edge of the desk. "Can I speak now?" he asked quietly.

Stopping in his tracks, Patrick looked up in surprise. For a moment, he had almost forgotten that Eric was in the office. He gave a small shrug as response.

"Pat, I'm well aware that your mom had a meningioma but her case was hugely complicated and by the time it was diagnosed it was too late for any other treatment. The placement of the tumor made surgery nearly impossible."

"I know that" he hissed quietly, "but he still tried and I lost both parents because of it. But that wasn't even really the worst part - you keep glossing over the fact that my father or I had to feed her because she couldn't grip a fork or a spoon and that I had to write her name and address and put in her purse and in her pocket in case she was out and forget how to get home. Or that she was bedridden at the end - that the seizures were so bad she had to wear adult diapers. I have so much to look forward to" he bit out through gritted teeth.

Sighing quietly, Eric ran his hand through his hair. "We are a long, long way from that ever happening Patrick. Look, I can put you on steriods today that will help reduce the fluid build up - your dexterity will come back and your seizures should stop. Then we'll start you on a course of radiation that will help shrink the tumor and with any luck surgery won't be necessary at all. It is highly unlikely that your tumor is malignant and that is good news."

Through his anger and rage, Eric's last words managed to register with him and he stopped long enough to take several deep breaths. "I'm sorry" he whispered. "I...I'm acting like I'm the only one who ever got bad news."

Eric waved him off. "This ain't about me Pantsy. Look, this sucks - it absolutely sucks but it's not doom and gloom. We have treatment options - way more than your mom had available to her - and we will exhaust every one of them to get you well. You wanna be pissed? Then be pissed but don't just roll over and give up. You've never done that and now would be a really bad time to start."

Patrick pressed the palm of his hand against his forehead and blew his cheeks out. His brown eyes watered and his bottom lip trembled. "I can't believe this is happening."

Eric opened his mouth to reply but stopped as the door to Patrick's office swung open.

"Hey baby I thought I would..." Robin's words died on her lips as she took in the scene in front of her. Looking at her boyfriend she could see his cheeks were splotchy and his eyes damp. Her heart leapt to her throat and panic gripped her chest. "Wh-what's going on?"

Eric looked imploringly at his friend, silently begging him to seize the opportunity to bring Robin in but his face fell as he saw Patrick almost imperceptibly shake his head.

"Hey Robin" Patrick said, walking towards her and brushing his lips against her.

Stepping back she looked from Patrick to Eric and back to Patrick. "Okay, I've clearly walked in on something and you're upset - care to tell me what's going on?"

It was Patrick's turn to silently beg Eric as he stared at him. "Uh, Eric got some news..."

"He did? You did?" she asked turning to him.

Eric glared at Patrick before softening his face. "Yeah I did. I had testicular cancer during med school and it was a rough go. Pantsy there stood by me through thick and thin, even when I pushed away the people who cared about me the most" he said pointedly, looking at Patrick. "And I just reached my five year cancer free mark and Patrick is just a little...overwhelmed...on my behalf."

Robin smiled broadly at him. "Eric - that is fantastic news. You must be so relieved."

He returned her smile. "I am. I learned through it all that no matter how dark or tough things got, it's possible to survive anything."

"We should go out and celebrate - tonight at Jake's and you can tell me all the embarrassing stories you have, starting with how he became Pantsy."

"I'd like that" he agreed. "Would you mind if I just finished up with Patrick - I have another meeting I need to get to."

"Sure" she replied. "I'll see you tonight." Walking to Patrick, she gripped hold of his waist band and smiled lovingly at him. "And I'll see you in a little bit - perhaps even for a consult" she purred seductively.

Patrick nodded and kissed her softly. "Count on it" he whispered.

Robin waved to both men as she left the room and pulled the door shut behind her.

"Thank y-"

"Don't thank me" he interrupted angrily. "Patrick - you can't do this. If you don't want to tell her today, that's fine but you need to tell her and the sooner the better. That girl is in love with you and will be by your side through it all. And quite frankly - you're going to need her."

Pursing her lips, Patrick nodded. "I know. Thanks Eric...for...everything."

He nodded. "I wish...I wish the results were different and that this wasn't happening but you're going to get through it. You just need to trust a couple of us, okay?"

"Yeah."

"Good. Call me later and we'll discuss the treatment in more detail."

Patrick waited until the door closed behind Eric before slumping to his chair. Picking up the report he read it again before crumpling it into a ball and hurling it across the room. It didn't matter how hopeful or positive Eric was. This felt like a death sentence.