Chapter 25

You show myself to me

Patrick smirked without raising his eyes from the papers in front of him. "Don't even think of throwing that," he said with a warning as he continued to review the report in front of him.

"Damn!" Eric sighed as he came through the door. "How did you know?" He dropped the balled up paper on Patrick's desk and flopped back into the chair.

Closing the folder, Patrick leaned back and rolled his eyes at his friend. "Maybe because you have been throwing things at me from doorways since first year? Besides Smitherman, you're a big boy – you can hardly sneak into a room."

Furrowing his brow and pursing his lips, he glared jokingly at his friend. "Are you calling me fat? 'Cause I'm a little sensitive about my hips you know."

"Freak"

"I know you are but what am I?"

Patrick groaned as he shook his head. "You're impossible."

"I know." Tilting his head to the side he did a careful visual exam of his friend – checking the colour in his cheeks, the clarity in his eyes. His gaze dropped to Patrick's left hand looking for any sign of the tremor that been plaguing him on and off for weeks.

Well aware of Eric's cursory exam, Patrick held up his hand and wriggled his fingers. "No tremors."

"Headaches?"

"Tiny ones – nothing like before. It would seem the steroids are working."

"Now there's a shock" he replied caustically. "You follow the standard treatment for something and things start to progress. I hear they teach that somewhere….it's a special place….I think they call it medical school."

Reaching for the ball of paper Eric had deposited earlier, he threw it clearly at his friend's head. "Shut up."

Eric shrugged lightly. "Pantsy – we have to talk about what's next-"

"I know, I know – I have to tell Robin."

"Well yeah but that wasn't what I was referring to. We're going to need to do another MRI in a few weeks and see how the size of the tumour is. If it hasn't decreased enough then we need to start you on radiation."

Reaching for his pen he rolled it between his fingers, keeping his gaze towards the desk. "I know" he confirmed quietly.

Leaning forward, Eric tried to catch his eye. "Patrick, do you want to get a doctor here? Your old man, maybe?"

His head snapped to attention. "No."

Patrick had gone back and forth wondering if it would be worse for Robin or Noah to be told about his diagnosis and for the moment, he decided it was Noah. For Robin it would echo with similarities to her past but for Noah it would be a replica of his past. He would come face to face with the very thing that sent him spiralling to the bottle and emotional oblivion. While they're relationship was still tentative, he had no desire to play any role in his father backsliding.

Eric raised his hands in surrender. "Okay."

"I…I want you to stay as my doctor."

Giving him a small, reassuring smile Eric nodded. "Okay but there will be rules."

Patrick groaned good naturedly.

"Rule #1 – no missing appointments with me. We'll work out something so that you're not making unnecessary trips to the City but you can't cop out. Rule #2 – you have to tell Robin. Rule #3 – I need you to believe that you're going to get better Pat. It's not necessarily going to be easy but you will get better. You need to trust me and trust yourself."

"Hey sport I was wondering if I could-" Noah stopped suddenly in the door way.
"E-Eric" he stammered. The last time he had seen him had been at graduation where Noah had been embarrassingly drunk and created quite a scene. It had also been one of the last times he had seen Patrick.

Eric stood and extended his hand. "Dr. Drake – it's nice to see you again. Pant- Patrick tells me you're doing well."

Noah's cheeks were tinged red and he smiled gratefully at the young doctor, shaking his hand. "It's Noah, Eric. And yes, actually thanks to Patrick I'm doing very well."

"No – that was you Dad" Patrick interjected carefully. "You did it on your own."

Sighing quietly, the elder neurosurgeon nervously wrung his hands together. It was clear that he had interrupted a serious discussion between the two friends. "I…uh….I wanted to get your opinion on something Patrick but it can wait."

Patrick nodded. "Okay – Eric and I were just catching up – he's on his way back to the City. Give me an hour and I'll come find you?"

"Of course." He was torn with wanting to stay but he didn't want to irritate him and undo any of the progress they had made in their relationship. "It was nice to see you again Eric."

"You too Dr –er, Noah."

Eric waited until Noah pulled the door shut behind him before turning his attention back to Patrick. "You're going to have to tell him too you know."

"Back off Eric" he snapped.

Undeterred, Eric simply shrugged. "Look, you and I both know that success in difficult cases has as much to do with the support the patient receives as it does the treatment. You have two people who care very much for you and you're going to need them."

"Jesus Christ!" he growled sharply as he brought his hand down on his desk with a thud. "I don't need your psychological asides okay? I need your talent as a neurosurgeon and that's it. Leave me to deal with my girlfriend and family!"

Without flinching, Eric rose from his chair and jammed his hands into his pockets. "Your outburst tells me two things Pantsy – one, you are scared shitless and two, the steroids aren't going to be enough. When you're ready to deal with either of those things, you know where I am. I'll see you in a few weeks."

Heading straight for the door, he slipped through it without looking back.

Patrick cradled his head in his hands. "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck."

He had not meant to snap at his friend, he wasn't even particularly bothered by his insistence on sharing the information with his father and Robin. But his patience was in short supply. He wanted – he needed – the steroids to work so that this would all go away and he wouldn't have to tell anyone anything. Unfortunately he knew as well as Eric that they wouldn't work for long.

"Are you sure you're ready to take me on?" Robin asked with a playful glint in her eyes.

It was late November and the weather had cooperated enough to allow the outdoor rinks to open for some early season skating. Having seen Patrick's tense mood at the hospital, she had nervously proposed a late night excursion to the rink as a way to blow off some steam. She was surprised at how excited he was at the idea and felt a wave of relief wash over her.

"Baby, I was born to take you on" he said throatily as he did up his skates. "Now, if I beat you, you are going to have to take off that stupid New Jersey Devils sweater, once and for all."

"Paaaatrick" she whined teasingly. "It's freezing out here – I'll get cold."

He drew her to him for a slow burning kiss. "Trust me" he whispered against her mouth, "I'll make sure you stay….hot."

Jumping to his feet, he held out his hand to her and they took their first tentative steps onto the ice, hand in hand.

Eric's departure had left him out of sorts and feeling vulnerable. It was difficult for him to maintain one clear thought about the tumour growing in his head. When he closed his eyes at night he pictured it like a pac-man, hungrily munching inside his head, getting fatter with each passing day. Clinically he understood that his rapidly changing emotions and his feelings of vulnerability were mostly a result of the tumour and the area of his brain that it occupied but he was finding it difficult to be clinical for more than a few minutes at a time.

Robin's suggestion of a fun night out - just the two of them - infused him with a sense of calm. But then again, Robin's mere presence always did that do him. She was a stabilizing force in his life and had been from the very beginning.

Grabbing the lapels of her coat, he crashed his mouth down on hers sweeping his tongue hungrily inside her warm mouth. She snaked her hands around his waist to keep her balance as she deepened their kiss.

Reluctantly, they came up for air. "What was that for?" she asked contentedly as she fingered her swollen lips.

"I love you" he replied simply. "And I'm not sure if I've told you that lately."

"Wow" she grinned. "You're really getting the hang of this boyfriend thing."

Skating to the boards to collect their sticks, he called over his shoulder. "What can I say? I'm a quick study."

Passing her the shorter of the sticks, he dropped the puck to the ice. "You're defending first" he told her, sounding every inch like the little boy in the playground.

"Why?" she whined. "Why do I have to skate backwards and you chase me?"
A mischievous grin appeared on his face. "Gee Robin – aren't you the one always looking for the deeper meaning of things?"

"And what's the deeper meaning of me playing defence?"

"It's symbolic of how we got together. Me chasing you, you skating just out of reach and protecting your net."

Throwing her head back she let out a hearty laugh, her breath visible against the cold night air. "There is one small difference Drake."

"What's that?"

"In our relationship, I actually let you score. No way is that happening tonight!"

Reaching out with her stick she pulled the puck away from him and sprinted the length of the ice to his net before unleashing a shot that hit the back of the twine.

"Take that – sucker!" she cried to him, her arms raised victoriously in the air.

Laughing at her boldness he skated towards her. Seeing him approach, Robin let out a small squeal and took off towards the other end of the ice. Patrick gave chase. They skated around the rink several times with Robin eluding him every time he made a move to catch her.

Finally, out of frustration, he cut through the middle and grabbed her around the middle. Slightly off balance, the two tumbled to the ice with Patrick breaking Robin's fall.

"My hero" she sighed exaggeratedly.

"I think I broke my ass" he joked.

"Better you than me" she replied.

They lay on top of each other, noses touching. The steam from their breath intermingled as they panted from the exertion. Circling his arms around her, he held her tightly to him. He loved the feel of her body against his – they just seemed to fit. He had never before felt as great a sense of belonging as he did with her. She didn't complete him or finish him in any way but her love allowed him to feel like a whole person; something that hadn't happened to him in a very, very long time.

"I think you should kiss me" he told her hoarsely as his hands slipped underneath her hockey sweater.

"Like this?" she whispered against his mouth.

She kissed him slowly, wantonly. Her tongue delved into his mouth and tangled with his, swallowing down his moan of pleasure. Feeling her hips move against his, he withdrew his hands from her sweater and cupped her behind, massaging her as he did so.

Lifting her head, her eyes glassy with desire, she smiled seductively at him. "You're vibrating Dr. Drake" she purred.

"Damn straight I am" he growled as he went in search of her mouth.

Robin pulled out of range. "No, I mean it. Your phone is vibrating."

Closing his eyes he groaned and fished his phone from his pocket. Seeing the hospital's number flash on the screen, he smiled apologetically and pulled them both to their feet as he flipped open his phone.

"Drake" he barked. He skated to the side board and leaned up against it.

While listening to the latest update on his patient he kept his eyes firmly on Robin. She skated across the middle of the rink, stopping only to twirl and spin. Her rich brown hair escaped from underneath her wool hat, flying as she turned round and round. Large fluffy snowflakes had begun to tumble from the sky and she stuck her tongue out in attempt to catch them.

Patrick's heart began to race as he watched her happily trace her blades against the ice. She seemed at peace, content even. She was so changed from the woman he had first met. It was as though she had stopped trying to outrun herself and was letting the world catch up to her. He wondered if he had anything to do with it.

Snapping his phone shut, he continued to watch her with unabashed adoration. Opening her eyes Robin spotted him staring at her and felt her cheeks flush.

"I know, I know. I'm a geek."

Shaking his head, he slowly skated towards her. "No – you're beautiful."

"Well I just doing something you taught me to do."

"What's that?"

"Live in the moment."

Patrick's breath hitched and he reached out his hand to her. Feeling her fingers curl through his he pulled her to him and gazed at her wordlessly.

"I love you too, you know" she said, peering up at him. "Just in case I haven't told you lately."
Tilting her chin towards him, he brushed his lips against hers. "I think we should pretend I won."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah" he nodded. "So I can take you home and get you out of that offensive sweater."

Jumping into his arms, she wrapped her legs around his waist. "Take me home and do with me what you will!"