Chapter 31

My dark angel, I offer you my heart
My dark angel, I've loved you from the start

Patrick stood before the ballroom doors and took several deep, slow breaths; his hand still trembled slightly as he reached for the handle. Closing his eyes, he tried to mentally will himself past the inevitable fatigue and weariness that normally followed a seizure. This night meant so much to her and he did not want to ruin it. He was in awe of the honesty and bravery that took her to that podium but at the same time knew that was exactly who Robin was.

Brave, honest and strong.

He was none of those things. He was a coward and he knew it.

He was currently wedged into that special space between a rock and a hard place. If he told her the truth about what he was facing, it could devastate her. If he told her the truth about what he was facing, she could leave. And that was what frightened him the most. He was trying to be honourable and tell himself his choice to keep it all quiet was to protect her, but in fact it was to protect himself. For the first time he had allowed himself to rely on another person and now that he had done that, he was clueless as to how he would he cope if she suddenly was not there.

Who would blame her for leaving?

By her own admission, in a roomful of friends and colleagues, she reminded everyone that she had already done the hardest thing she had ever been asked to do - she buried the boy she loved. While there were many who would tell him, Eric included, that there were enough advances in treatment that he was very likely to survive, he trusted what he had seen with his own eyes - his mother going into an operating room and never coming out.

What would ever possess her to stay with him if she knew the truth?

In the end what he really wanted was to bank memories with her that he could draw upon when the end came. He just didn't know if he meant the end of his life or of their relationship. And he didn't know which was worse.

Steadying his hand, he curled it around the handle and pulled the door open. Stopping at the bar, he ordered a gingerale and sucked it back. His father was right, it settled his stomach almost immediately. Taking another deep breath, he headed back to his table.

As he approached the table he saw Robin deep in conversation with another man and immediately felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. There was an intimacy, a closeness between them, and it made him uncomfortable. Like so many other things, his protestation that he didn't do jealous was simply a fantasy.

Slipping back into his chair, he territorially draped his arm around Robin's shoulder and smiled casually at the young man talking to her.

Feeling Patrick's arm on her shoulder, she turned and smiled at him. "I'm so glad you're back" she told him. "This is Darren, from my support group."

Relief washed over him and removing his arm, he extended his hand to him. "Nice to meet you Darren"

"You too Patrick. I've heard lots about you."

"Likewise."

"That was quite a speech Robin gave" he said with admiration in his voice. "You must be very proud of her."

His fingers curled through Robin's hair. "You have no idea," his voice hitching as he spoke. "She did a beautiful job."

Robin blushed and looked between the two men, shaking her head. "Do you think we can stop talking about me now?" she asked teasingly.

"Of course" Darren said as he stood up. "I should get back to Melinda. Congrats again on such an amazing job – but don't think being a star is a free pass to hog the chocolate chip cookies" he grinned. "Nice to have met you Patrick" he nodded.

"Have a good night."

Robin rested her head on his shoulder and exhaled slowly. Though her speech was over and the night was a roaring success, she could not shake the rumbly feeling in her stomach. When she had been with Jason her spidey sense had become finely attuned, letting her know when something bad was on its way. For some reason those same feelings were in full force tonight as well.

"You okay baby?" Patrick asked as he leaned his head on top of hers.

She nodded lightly. "Yeah. I guess….I'm suddenly really tired."

The evening's entertainment had concluded and now the patrons were either on the dance floor or networking. Patrick looked across the room and allowed himself a small smile as he saw his father being pushed around the floor by Epiphany. In or out of the hospital, the head nurse was a force to be reckoned with.

"What do you want to do?" he asked her quietly.

Lifting her head from his shoulder, she gave him a shy look. "Would you be…would be you terribly disappointed if we went home? I just want to get in my jammies and cuddle with you. Not very glamorous, I know-"

Dragging his thumb along her bottom lip, he gave a small shake of his head. "You are all the glamour I need Robin. And if you want to go home, let's go."

He did his best to hide his relief. Despite his stomach settling, his muscles still felt like jelly and he wasn't sure how much longer he could reasonably tough it out.

"Are you sure?" she questioned.

"Very" he reassured her. Rising to his feet he held out his hand and closed it gently around hers.

It was a process to leave. As they made their way to the door, people came out of the woodwork wanting to have a word with Robin. They wanted to thank her, applaud her, commend her – it was a groundswell of support unlike any she had experienced in a long time and she had felt buoyed by it.

She had laid herself as naked as she had ever done in her speech and her worries about it being too honest or too real were put to rest. Most of them anyways.

She glanced up at Patrick and she couldn't help shake the feeling that something was wrong – or at least off – with him. He hadn't seemed quite himself since she came back to the table after her speech. He had disappeared for almost 45 minutes and coming back he had looked shaken and tired.

It could be a patient, it could reasonably be a case at work but somehow she could not shake the feeling that the subtle change in him was because of her.

Having scrubbed her face clean and pulled her hair into a ponytail, Robin emerged from the bathroom in her tanktop and yoga pants and looked over at the bed. Patrick, shirtless with the sheets draped carelessly around his waist, was deep in concentration texting on his phone.

Robin crawled towards him on the bed. "Texting your other girlfriend to tell her you're busy tonight?"

Smirking, he shook his head. Finishing his text he hit the send button and flipped his phone closed.

"Not quite. Eric said he's coming tomorrow as there is a case he wants me to look at it."

He hated himself for the lies and half-truths that seemed to flow so easily from his mouth. He had always prided himself on his honesty – he was always upfront with people even when it was uncomfortable or difficult. And now, when it mattered most, he found a lie to be easier than the truth.

Rationally he knew he should tell her everything. Emotionally he could not form the words.

"I like Eric" she told him, pulling back the covers and snuggling up to him. She laid her arm around his waist and brought her head to rest on his chest.

"He likes you as well." Reaching to the nightstand, he turned off the lights and then tipped Robin's head up, kissing her softly. "But I like you more" he whispered.

Robin burrowed closer to him still and exhaled slowly. Patrick's chest rose and fell in a slow, steady rhythm while her own heart seemed to beat in double time. She was exhausted but could not close her eyes. Her mind was racing with scenarios and possibilities and none of them were good.

"It was too much, wasn't it?" Her words penetrated the dark.

Patrick shifted underneath her. "What was too much?"

"My speech," A small tremor caught in her voice. "It was too much reality – you….you wanted me to be honest but maybe I was too honest."

Patrick moved to turn the lights on but Robin put her hand on his arm. "Leave them off" she asked.

Rolling on to his side to face her, he looked at her as intently as the dark would allow. "What do you mean Robin?"

"You….you seem off and you've seemed off since the speech and I think I've scared you. Patrick, you wouldn't be the first person to find the reality of HIV to be more than they reasonably could handle. I wouldn't blame you for it." Her words all tumbled out one on top of the other.

He wanted to scream. This was all of his doing. He was making her doubt him about her illness when in fact it was his own that was paralyzing him.

"Robin," he began gently, "I love you. And there is nothing in your speech tonight that I didn't know either clinically or intuitively. I was shocked when you said your protocol failed not because it failed but because the thought of you being that afraid took my breath away. It made me wish that I had known you then, that I could have been with you then. The reality of your HIV doesn't scare me. "

She was quiet for several minutes. "What about me having a pillow and blanket in the bathroom because I puke my guts up for two weeks straight or being covered in purple spots."

"I think you're beautiful no matter what" The darkness provided almost enough cover for him to admit everything in his heart. Almost.

She scoffed lightly. "I love you for saying that but Patrick – you – you're used to dating a certain type of woman and I'm pretty sure being seen with a woman covered in purple spots would not be high on your list-"

Inhaling sharply he moved closer to her and tangled his leg between hers. "Robin – I've dated a lot of women but you're the first one I've ever fallen in love with. You could be green with yellow polka dots and it wouldn't matter to me."

Sensing the protest forming on her lips, he put his finger against her mouth. "I may not have been in love before but I do know a little something about loving people for their heart and not their looks. When Eric was at his sickest, he was jaundiced, bald, his eyes were bloodshot and he had dropped from about 230 pounds to 140. He looked like a sad sack of bones. But none of that mattered to me – he was my best friend and none of that was conditional upon what he looked like. And the same goes for you."

She kissed him gently. "I felt the same way about Stone" she offered, "he was so pale and so weak at the end. The sores were everywhere on his chest but it didn't change how I felt about him. But at the same time I never want to have to live that again – I know how hard it is, so I guess I'm saying if you wanted….if you wanted a pass, I would understand."

Her words burned into his brain and knew that now was not the time to tell her. Sliding his arms around her, he pulled her flush to his body.

"I don't want a pass. I want to be with you – purple spots, nausea, whatever. Robin I've never been in love before you – I had no idea that it could feel like this and I can't think of a single reason to walk away and leave it behind."

"I love you so much Patrick – I'm sorry if I seem neurotic, I guess I'm just off balance a little tonight."

He brushed his lips against hers. It was only a few short minutes before he could tell that she was asleep. He felt completely torn in two – he wanted to stay with her forever but knew that forever was going to be shorter than expected.

His illness was going to devastate her.

He had to protect her.