Chapter 34

Love is every little mistake he's made
Love is the moment that he has to embrace
Love is the only mercy left

Glancing over at the clock on her bedside table, Robin readjusted her ponytail that had fallen to the side. It was three o'clock in the morning, her bed was covered in text books and balled up pieces of paper. She had been going at it for nearly seven hours and yet was no closer in discovering what was bothering her boyfriend. After two hours and an exhaustive process of elimination she had determined that whatever was ailing him was physical. She had considered whether or not he was having an affair or tiring of her but eliminated both. Patrick was many things - arrogant, self-centered and ambitous -but he was not a cheater. He would end things with her first, she was sure. She was also all too familiar with the feeling of love slipping away and knew that this did not feel like that. Whatever Patrick was covering, it was health related.

And so she had begun to make a list of what she believed his symptoms to be. It was an inaccurate process, she knew, because if he was covering a medical issue he was also covering its related symptoms. She knew she should feel hurt that he was withholding from her but she didn't - not yet anyways. If Patrick was keeping secrets it was because he was scared and who better than she knew how paralyzing fear could be. All she wanted to do was make it for him, stand by him the way he had stood by her.

"Come on Patrick" she sighed, "what the hell is going on with you and why can't I put it together?"

She looked down at her list.

1. Fatigue
2. Irritability
3. Secretive behaviour

"Okay, based on this I think you may be pregnant," she chuckled softly to herself, "and I'm confident that's not it."

Frustrated, she flopped back against the pillows. There was one way for certain to narrow her focus but it was unethical and it made her stomach queasy just thinking about it. Then again, it made her stomach queasy thinking about the man she loved struggling through something all on his own. Deciding that fortune did indeed favour the brave, she jumped from her bed, pulled on her jeans, grabbed her car keys and headed for the door.

The hospital was mercifully quiet as she stepped off of the elevator on the 10th floor. She nodded to the night nurse as she walked towards her office. What she was about to do was wrong and Patrick would be furious with her as would Alan but she needed to get to the bottom of it. She had never been one to let life happen to her and was not about to stand idly by. Both of her parents had taught her that sometimes, breaking the rules for the greater good was a good thing.

And this was most definitely for the greater good.

She flipped on the desk lamp and the low light bulb cast an ominous, eery light through her otherwise dark office. As her computer came to life, she inhaled sharply and typed in her password. Her fingers trembled nervously as she typed Patrick's name into the search function for patient records. Squeezing her eyes closed, she hit the enter button and waited. In the three seconds it took for the computer to search hospital files, she didn't know what she wanted to the results to be.

What if was something she could not handle?

Letting out the breath she was holding, she slowly opened her eyes and looked nervously at the screen. Patrick's records were there. All she had to do was click on the file icon and she would see it all. She clicked her mouse before her conscience could get the better of her. Scanning the information quickly, she saw nothing new until she got to the second page.

Neurological MRI. Ordered by Eric Smitherman.

The air rushed from her lungs as she sank against the back of her chair. Patrick had an MRI - yesterday - and had said nothing. Instantly she knew that Eric's arrival at Patrick's hotel room weeks ago was not a visit from an old friend but an old friend replying to a cry for help.

Her stomach pitched and rolled as a thousand possibilities of what was wrong with him bounced through her head. So many little things became clearer now - Noah taking over during surgery, his "flu" weeks earlier - this had been going on for more than a month, maybe more than two and he had said nothing.

With a click of her mouse she printed out his patient record and folding it up, shoved it inside her purse. She turned off her computer and light before pulling the office door shut behind her. She had two questions that dominated her thoughts:

What was wrong with him?

And why didn't he trust her?

It would be sleepless night until she saw him.

Patrick moaned as he felt the familiar bitter taste in his mouth. Once again he was aware of a cold cloth being pressed to his forehead. He could tell by the chill coursing through him that he was on the floor, no doubt as a result of another seizure. His tongue swiped at his lips and with a concerted effort he managed to open his eyes. They darted around the room, unable to focus on anything as the room spun wildly around him.

"Easy Pantsy" Eric soothed. "You're okay."

"Bad?" he croaked as he finally focused on the legs of the coffee table in his office.

"Yeah, it was pretty bad." Eric took a pulse reading and relieved that it had steadied, helped him to sit up.

Frustrated, Patrick pulled away from Eric. "So now what?" he asked with a tremor in his voice.

His friend leaned up against the couch and tiredly ran his hands over his face. "Two weeks of high dosage steroids followed by radiation."

"Fuck" he sighed.

"And I need you to go see Alan Quartermaine and request a leave of absence for medical reasons or I will go and see him and tell him you are too incapacitated to work."

"Eric-"

"I'm not done. I'm also going to notify the DMV about your seizures and have your driver's license suspended."

He scrambled to his feet, fury replacing fatigue. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

He shook his head as he stood up. "Patrick," he implored, "I need you to take a moment here and think. I know that this sucks but you know and I know that legally and ethically this is what has to happen."

"It's not fair" he spat. "And even with a seizure I'm still a better surgeon than most of the hacks in this place."

"I'm not doubting your talents but you are a danger to patients and to yourself."

With his hands slung low on his hips, Patrick stepped towards his friend, his brown eyes barely concealing the rage building within him. "I am not taking a leave of absence."

"Then I will have you suspended," he told him evenly, not the slightest bit intimidated by his friend. "You need to get a grip" he told him angrily, "you are sick and in trouble and you cannot be a doctor while you are a patient."

It was all slipping away from him. Medicine had been his safe place when the world crashed down around him before and now as it was doing it again, his safety net was being pulled away. He was blind with rage and stepping forward, he ploughed his fist into Eric's jaw.

Taken by surprise, Eric stumbled backwards before regaining his balance. Rubbing his chin, he scoffed at Patrick. "That was a freebie. Take another swing and you and I are going to dance."

"Fuck you Eric!" he spat. His mind was swirling out of control and he was drowning in a feeling of helplessness.

"Sorry Pantsy, but you ain't my type."

"Patrick"

Both men turned around at the sound of Robin's voice. Patrick's chest heaved as he took one serrated breath after another. Panic began to work its way from his toes all the way through is body. Suddenly finding his feet, he ran from the room brushing past her.

"Patrick!" she called to him as she started to run after him.

"Leave me alone!" he replied as he disappeared down the stairs.

Confused and concerned, she headed back to his office and met Eric's gaze. "I think you need to buy me a coffee."

Eric idly stirred the wooden stick through his coffee and waited. Though he barely knew Robin, he could tell she was working her way to asking a question. Patrick was his friend and even if he didn't agree with his choices, he needed to tread carefully.

"You're going to have quite a bruise on your jaw," Robin remarked.

He rubbed the small bump and shrugged. "It'll make me look more rugged."

Pursing her lips together, she nodded. "Why did you order an MRI on Patrick yesterday?"

He smiled to himself, pleased to know that Robin was as dogged and determined as he had suspected her of being. Patrick was going to need all of that in the coming months.

"Breaking into hospital records, Doctor Scorpio?" he asked lightly.

"Answer my question."

"I can't"

"Can't or won't?" she challenged.

"Both. If I answered it, I would be violating doctor/patient privilege."

Exhaling slowly, she leaned back against the chair. "So you're admitting you are his doctor?"

He nodded. "And while we are on the subject of things I am admitting to, let me also admit to being very absent-minded." Reaching into his shirt pocket, he pulled out a folded report and laid it in front of Robin. "I have a tendency to leave medical reports lying around in the darndest places."

The corners of her mouth twitched upwards into a small smile as she reached for the report. Her stomach did another small flop as she slowly unfolded the pages and began to scan. She gasped out loud as she came across the diagnosis.

Meningioma.

"How bad?" she asked, looking up at him with her brown eyes full of worry.

"Not great" he admitted. "It's not responding to initial treatment the way I would have hoped and so we need to move on to other options."

Nodding, she turned her attention back to the report and tried to take it all in. Truthfully, the words were swimming before her eyes discordantly. In all of her scenarios, this had not even been a consideration and now that she knew for sure, those suppressed feelings of anger at being kept in the dark began to bubble up.

He had pushed and encouraged and forced her to be honest about her disease all the while concealing his. She made her trust him but did not return the favour.

"He's going to be furious with you that you gave this to me."

Pushing back his chair, he slowly rose to his feet. "Who gave it to you? As I said, I'm terribly absent minded and leave things lying around. Look Robin, I won't tell you what to do or how you should feel about him keeping this from you but I'm about to go see his Chief of Staff and have him suspended from duty – if you could…if you could find a way to be there for him right now…he's going to need you."

Chewing on the inside of her cheek, she gave a small nod in agreement. "I know."

She watched as he left the cafeteria and turned her attention back to the report once more. As angry as she was, there was one conversation that kept drowning out all of her other thoughts and it, more than anything else, told her why he had kept it a secret from her.

It was after her first time going to the HIV/AIDS support group and they had walked along the pier afterwards. In the quiet of that fall afternoon, Patrick had revealed much of who he was.

"Being a child of an addict is a very isolating experience. You tend to keep people at a distance so that they never discover the ugly truth about your family….I've never really told anyone else. I mean, part of the disease leads you to be a master of deception."

Knowing what she had to do, she folded up the report and left the cafeteria.

His legs were heavy with fatigue and sadness as he shuffled to the door. The insistent knocking was only making his headache worse. Pulling open the door, Patrick sighed as he saw Robin standing there, expectantly.

"Go away Robin," he said listlessly. "Leave me alone."

Pushing her way past him, she walked into his suite and sat down on the chair.

"Not a chance."