Chapter 36

In the silence of this whispered night
I listen only to your breath
And in the second of a shooting star
Somehow it all makes sense

"Move in with me," Robin offered.

Wide-eyed with shock, he made no response.

Worried that she had pushed too much, she pulled herself to a sitting position and started to backtrack. "I mean – we could be roommates. I have an extra bedroom and you could stay in it. It doesn't make sense with everything going on that you stay in a hotel room and it's probably not a good time to go house hunting but um, my place would do in a pinch. And look, you'll need to make sure you get good food into you and somehow I don't think room service will do that for you."

Unable to read the expression on his face she pulled the sheet more tightly around her body in a vain attempt to limit how exposed she was suddenly feeling. "Anyway, it's just a suggestion – you don't have to. I, uh, just wanted you to know you had options."

Shock gave way to amusement as he propped his head up on his hand. "Wow."

"Wow? What do you mean wow?" Her hands had twisted the sheet into a small knot.

"I'm just impressed – I think you said all that without taking a single breath. That has got to be some kind of world record," he teased.

She glared at him. "I just asked you to move in with me and you're making jokes?"

Gently rescuing the sheet from her grip, he tugged it downwards and pressed a kiss just above her breast as he slid his hand across her waist.

"How could I resist?" he asked, looking up into her eyes. "You were like a top spinning out of control."

Ignoring the rising tingling sensation in her body, she carefully moved from his reach. "But you still haven't said anything about my offer."

Letting out a small sigh he sat up and rubbed his face with his hands. The sheet fell carelessly across his hips and Robin averted her eyes, not wanting to be distracted or taken off course. Kicking back the covers, she grabbed his t-shirt from the pile on the floor and pulled it over her head. It had not necessarily been her intention to just blurt it out but that did not change the offer.

"Why do you want me to move in with you?" he asked cautiously.

"Because I love you?" she suggested. "And because we spend almost every night together as it is – why not move in?"

"Because I don't think it's that simple," he countered. "I think you are suddenly imbued with the idea of taking care of me. That you can nurse me and hover and….take care of me."

"First of all, I have no desire to be your nursemaid. Second of all, what's wrong with wanting to take care of you?"

"I don't need it! I am not sick." Jumping from his bed, he angrily pulled his jeans on.

Robin flinched slightly under his sudden anger. Nervous energy started to radiate through her and her instinct to run became stronger but taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly, she quelled it, at least temporarily.

"Patrick," she began softly, "you are sick. You have a brain tumour. And very shortly you are going to be undergoing radiation – you're going to have dry mouth, lose your appetite, likely your hair and your throat is going to hurt and that's just the physical, never mind the emotional-"

"I know what radiation is Robin, thank you," he answered tightly.

He didn't want to be angry with her – he wasn't really – he was angry about his tumour. He was angry that neither of them broached the subject of moving in together before this because now, no matter how she tried to position it, it felt like he was somehow less; that it wasn't about being so in love and ready to take the next step but it was about her taking care of him and him needing her. He struggled to rationalize those feelings with the ones he experienced moments earlier – the ones of trust and belief.

"I love you" she repeated, "And I would really like us to build a life together. It just so happens, at the moment, that you need some support. You have mine – unconditionally. We don't have to live together but…it's just…when I felt like was sinking in quicksand after April's death, you didn't leave my side – not even for a night. I want to do that for you." She shrugged. "It got me through – you got me through."

Looking at his impassive face, it was all she could do not to dissolve in tears. She had always felt that she asked for too much in life, that instead she should have been more accepting of what she had without wanting more. It was as though she had done it again.

She stepped into her jeans and slipped on her shoes. Retrieving her bra from the floor, she shoved it in her purse and reached for her jacket.

"I wasn't trying to hurt you" she told him softly, not quite meeting his eyes. "I was asking because I want us to be together. I was asking because waking up next to you makes me happy in so many indescribable ways. I was asking because you aren't the only one who doesn't like to feel alone and we're good together. I wasn't trying to hurt you and I'm sorry if I've insulted or offended you."

Without a backwards glance she walked to the door with more confidence than she felt. Her hand shook slightly as she pulled the door open but she did not stop. She and Patrick were more alike than either of them realized and she knew she simply could not push him any further.

Dumbfounded and confused, Patrick said nothing as she left. He watched the door closed and the symbolism of that snapped him from his fog. He was a mess and he knew it but he also knew that he needed Robin in his life; he wanted Robin in his life.

Grabbing the key card from the desk he ran out the door after her. The doors to the elevator closed just as he approached and he urgently tapped the down button in hopes of stopping it – stopping her. Impatient, he ran down the hall to the stairwell and taking them two at a time, sprinted down the 18 floors before rushing into the lobby.

Her long dark hair cascaded over her shoulders as she moved slowly to the door. Doubled at the waist, trying to catch his breath, he called to her.

"Ro-Robin!" Inhaling sharply, he called to her again. "ROBIN!"

Turning around, she stared at him in surprise. "Patrick?"

He rushed to her, stopping just short of pulling her into his arms. Dragging his hand through his hair, he took another deep breath. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to let you think – I…I'm sorry. Can we please go back upstairs and talk?"

The corner of Robin's mouth twitched upwards as she continued to look at him.

"What?" he asked nervously, shifting from one foot to the other. "Why are you staring at me like that?"

"Patrick the whole lobby is staring at you – you are shirtless and in your bare feet, not to mention I think everyone heard you asking me back to your room."

Pausing, he slowly looked around the lobby and saw that he had attracted quite an audience. His cheeks reddened slightly. "I'm an idiot" he told her quietly, "and could you please be merciful and put me out of my misery by coming back upstairs?"

"Of course," she replied with a slight nod.

Reaching for her hand, Patrick closed his tightly around hers as they walked back to the elevators. As the doors closed behind them, he tipped her chin up towards him and kissed her softly.

"I love you" he told her, his lips hovering over hers, "and I'm sorry if I made you doubt that for a minute."

She kissed him back, only pulling away when the elevator opened at their floor. They walked down the hallway in silence; arriving at the door Patrick fished the key from his pocket and held the door open for her. Robin walked through and turned on the lights; the darkness may be hospitable to truths but also provided cover for those wanting to hide.

He gently closed the door before jamming his hands in his pockets. "You may not have noticed but I have some trust issues."

Laughing lightly, Robin sat on the bed tucking her legs underneath her. "I think I figured that out," she told him with a smile.

Now that he had her back in the room, he was unsure what to say next. Not wanting her to leave, he wasn't sure how to convince her to stay.

Watching as he opened and closed his mouth several times, trying to think of what to say Robin exhaled slowly. "What is it you're afraid of Patrick?"

Smirking, he shook his head. "I'm flattered that you think there is only one thing I'm afraid of."

"Okay, let me amend that - what is about moving in with me that you're afraid of?"

Sinking into the overstuffed chair he ran his hand over his mouth. "I'm not opposed to us living together Robin, I just...now? Us moving in together should be fun and sexy and adventurous and maybe even a move to a larger future together," he held her gaze for a moment before carrying on. "But this doesn't feel like that."

"What does it feel like?"

"It feels like...Robin, I want to be your boyfriend, I don't want to be your patient."

"So those nights when it was bad and I was throwing pillows at you and demanding that you leave and you stayed - you stayed, holding me, stroking my hair, reassuring me it would be okay - was I your girlfriend or your patient?"

"My girlfriend," he whispered.

"Exactly"

Dropping his head on the back of the chair, he stared up at the ceiling and grunted in frustration. So many things had been so easy for him - it wasn't that he didn't think he could meet the challenge, he just couldn't understand how it happened. His clinical skills were of no use to him now, he couldn't cure himself - he could barely control his feelings.

Robin slid from the bed and knelt down before him. She placed her hands on his knees and looking up at him, waited. Patrick could feel her eyes on him and like some many things about her, was unable to resist the pull. He met her gaze and offered her a weak smile.

"I know that you're scared," she told him softly, "and I know this is different from last summer. It's much more real for you than the needle prick was. I know what it is to feel like your body is betraying you. I am your soft place to land Patrick - whether we live together or not. I don't want to pressure you - just know that I'm here - for the long haul," she added with a shy smile.

He curled his fingers around hers and rubbed them gently. He continued to stare at her and swore if he didn't know better he could feel his mother nudging him.

"When...how soon could I move in?"