Chapter 48

In my dream I was drowning my sorrows
But my sorrows, they learned to swim

It was the phone call he had been waiting six months for.

It had been a sweltering day in July when his normally steady hands slipped inside the brain of an AIDS patient and he had nicked his finger exposing himself to HIV. One moment was all it had taken to send him hurtling down a path he had never considered; it had been filled with self-doubt, recrimination, fear and anger. Along the way though, he had discovered that some times good deeds are rewarded and his were - with love, compassion, friendship and the slow rediscovery of a relationship with his once absent father.

In the first few months after the exposure he mentally counted down the days and the weeks until the results of his final HIV test. But that all came to a crashing halt the first time he heard the word 'meningioma'. Originally, he had wished that something, anything would come along and fill up the space in his brain that was singularly focused on his HIV test. He now understood that one should be careful for what they wish for.

He had been subjected to so many blood tests over the last few weeks that it didn't even occur to him that one of them was for his final test. It would, if there was any benevolence left in the universe, the end of a chapter. If not, his life was about to get increasingly more complicated.

And complicated was not something he did well.

He paused just in front of the info desk on the main floor of the hospital.
Alan's office was on the 8th floor, Robin's lab was on the 10th and he couldn't decide if he wanted Robin in the room with him or not. There was a part of him that wanted to get the news on his own, digest it and tell her himself. But from that first moment in the OR, she had been his solid ground.

Taking a deep breath, he pulled his cell phone from his pocket and paged her to Alan's office. Walking to the elevator, he punched the number eight and waited to be delivered to or from a life changing moment.

As he walked the well worn path to the Chief of Staff's office, he looked down at his hand and for the first time, wondered if it had been a tremor that caused him to slip in the OR that day; if the tumour in his brain had already started its assault on his motor skills and that's why his hands had betrayed him.

Slipping through the door to Alan's waiting room, he broke into a large smile as he saw Robin already seated.

"You're fast" he joked with her as he lowered himself into the seat next to her.

Robin slipped her hand into his. "As soon as your page said to meet you here I figured out what was up. I'm…I'm sorry I didn't remember."

He shook his head. "Don't be sorry – hell, I didn't remember until Alan called. How crazy is that?"

Both of their heads snapped up as Alan's towering frame filled the doorway. "Patrick, Robin – come in please."

His legs felt heavy as he rose to his feet. The feel of Robin's thumb moving in small circles around his palm soothed him and reminded him, yet again, that he wasn't alone.

They settled into the plush leather chairs as Alan pulled the beige folder from his desk. He opened the file and smiled. "Patrick, I'm pleased to tell
you that you've tested negative for HIV."

Robin's hand gripped his as all the air rushed from his lungs. "Really?" he checked.

"Really" Alan nodded. "Every test you've had has been negative and so at this point I can confidently tell you that you're in the clear."

His vision blurred with the tears that had suddenly appeared. "Oh thank god" he whispered.

Robin threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly. "I am so happy for you" she said quietly, her lips near his ear. "So, so, so happy."

Oblivious to Alan, he folded his arms around her and held her closely to him. "I love you."

"Love you more" Pulling back from his embrace she wiped at her tears. "I hate to get the good news and run but…I…uh…I'm scrubbing in on a surgery and I have to prep"

There was something in Robin's tone, something in the way she stumbled over her words that caught Patrick's attention. He shot her a questioning look but she either didn't see it or pretended not to.

"I'm glad you were here" he told her, taking hold of her hand.

"Me too. We'll celebrate when I get home tonight – okay?" Rising from the chair, she leaned towards him and gently kissed his lips. "I'll see you later"

As she slowly let go of his hand, she stopped in front of Alan and placed a kiss on his cheek. "Thank you" she told him softly. "For all of it."

He nodded knowingly and watched her go, wishing yet again that he had been able to deliver the same news to her that he had just delivered to her boyfriend. He turned his attention back to Patrick, who sat slumped and his face shrouded in confusion.

"Patrick? Do you have any questions?"

"Huh?" he asked as he shook his head free of the cob webs.

"Do you have any questions?"

"No – I'm good. Thank you Alan – for everything."

He rose unsteadily to his feet and his rubbed his hands together. Smiling weakly he headed for the door but stopped as his hand hovered over the door knob. Slowly, he turned back to face the older doctor.

"Actually Alan, I do have one question"

Pulling his glasses from his face, Alan looked seriously at the young man before him. "What is it?"

"Shouldn't I…shouldn't this feel different?"

"What do you mean?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. I guess – I guess I thought I would be happier but I'm not. I'm…I'm not sure how I feel."

Getting up from his chair, Alan walked towards him and gently placed his hand on his shoulder. "Patrick, you are dealing with another health crisis at the moment, one that is affecting you in ways that your exposure to HIV didn't. I'm not saying it's small potatoes but I do think your perspective on it is different now than it was a few months ago."

"Yeah – maybe" he replied, scrunching up his face. "Thanks again, Alan"

Robin stood on the rooftop, her jacket pulled tightly around her to ward off the winter chill and she stared unseeing at the city skyline. Tears streamed haphazardly down her face and her bottom lip trembled as she tried to swallow down her sobs.

She had felt immediate relief as Alan uttered the words 'negative for HIV'. Her heart had swelled to the point of bursting and she felt a rush of happiness unlike any other. But those had been fleeting feelings and they quickly gave way to something more unsettling, almost dark and she was at a loss to explain it.

She wanted Patrick to test negative. She had prayed for it for months – from the very moment he cut himself in that OR she had made wishes, tossed coins into fountains, given in to any superstition that would give her some sort of comfort that he would not be infected with HIV. Now that her hopes had come true she wondered why she felt so empty.

Shaking her head, she realized it wasn't emptiness she felt. What she felt was more profound than that. Her cheeks burned in shame and the tears started anew. Giving a small gasp she recognized that she was jealous and that shook her to her core.

Having always prided herself on her ability to put other people's needs ahead of her own, she was paralyzed by her negative reaction to Patrick's news. Reaching in to her coat pocket, she flipped open her cell phone and hit the speed dial button.

Taking a steadying breath she waited for the person to answer.

"Hey, it's Robin. Would you…could you meet at the hospital for a coffee? I really need to talk to someone."