Chapter 49

I'm here for the hard times
The straight to your heart times
Whenever it ain't easy
You can stand up against me

Her head lifted expectantly as the door to her lab creaked open. With red rimmed eyes and splotched cheeks, she was hardly in a position to put on a brave face and the reality was, she didn't want to. There were many times she could override her feelings and find the higher ground but today wasn't one of them.

As his broad shoulders filled the doorframe, she slipped from her stool and ran across the room to his open arms. She buried her face against his chest as tears left fresh tracks down her cheeks.

He closed his arms around her and held her tightly. "I've got you" he told her quietly.

The reassurance that she was anchored was exactly what she needed. Pulling away from his arms, she smiled apologetically. "I didn't mean to flood your sweater."

"This old thing?" he asked with a smile. "I'm not worried."

He kicked the door closed behind him and taking her hand, led her to the couch. Settling against the chocolate brown suede, he turned to her and waited. It had been a long time since he had received a phone call like that from Robin and Mac knew that he had to let her tell him in her own way and in her own time.

She dabbed at her eyes before balling the kleenex in her hand. With a watery smile, she took a deep shuddering breath.

"Patrick got his final HIV test result today" she said quietly.

Mac swallowed down the acrid lump that had quickly formed in his throat. He chewed on his lip unwilling to accept that the universe could possibly be this cruel. "Is he...did he test positive?"

"No. He's negative" she exhaled. "He's negative."

He furrowed his brow in confusion. "Okay -has there been some change with his tumour?"

Too overcome, she simply shook her head.

Mac reached for her hands and was amazed that even after all these years they were still so tiny and belying the strength she possessed. "This is good news, isn't it?" She nodded. "Then what is it Robin? What's wrong sweetheart?"

Horrified that she was about to speak out loud what she had only just realized herself, she covered her mouth with her hand. "I think...I think I'm jealous" she said with a strangled cry.

"Jealous?" Mac was beginning to feel like he was making the situation worse rather than better with his inability to figure out what the problem was.

"I'm...I'm jealous that he is negative and" she gulped greedily at the air, "and I'm jealous that I'm not."

She launched herself into his arms and sobbed against his shoulder. Stunned, Mac lovingly stroked her hair as he tried to figure out what to say. Not for the first time he wished that there was some kind of parenting handbook to cover all eventualities. Upon further reflection, he gave a small shake of his head - no handbook would ever conceive of this.

He soothingly rubbed her back until her sobs subsided. As she lifted her head, he tucked her hair behind her ears and kissed her forehead.

"I'm an awful person" she said as she dropped her gaze to her lap.

"No you aren't" His tone was emphatic as he tipped her chin upwards and met her eyes.

"Uncle Mac - my boyfriend who is already dealing with a potentially deadly brain tumour just tested negative for HIV and instead of being happy for him - instead of jumping for joy - I'm sitting here sobbing and jealous. I'm a fraud."

"Robin Anna Soltini Scorpio you are many things - brilliant, flawed, smart, demanding, brave and human - but you are not, under any circumstances a fraud."

"How can you say that?" she protested rising to her feet. "Look at me!! I am beseiged with envy that he is negative" she thumped her chest. "When he first cut himself in the OR, I told him that I would give anything for this not to have happened to him and now that it hasn't - now that he's in the clear I am petty and small. If that doesn't make me a fraud I don't know what will."

"Can I tell you what I think?"

"Please."

"I don't think you're jealous that Patrick tested negative-"

"Then how do you explain this?" she demanded, gesturing to her crumpled face.

Smiling patiently, he carried on. "Robin, I know you. I know you're heart and I know when you heard his results you were awash in gratitude and happiness and relief. You aren't jealous that he's negative but I do think you are jealous."

"If it's not his diagnosis, then what is it?"

"I think you're jealous that he got to hear those words from Alan and you never did."

Startled at the truth in his words, she pushed the heels of her hands against her eyes to stem the flow of new tears. "It's been 11 years" she said hoarsely, "I should be used to it by now."

"Why? I'm not."

She dropped her hands and her head snapped up in surprise. "What?"

"Sweetheart, it may be 11 years since you were diagnosed but it feels like yesterday for me. I can only imagine how it feels for you."

She flopped down beside him on the couch and sighed heavily.

He slid his arm around in a fatherly gesture of protection and tilting his head to the side, rested his on top of hers. "I've had a strange and interesting life Robin. I have seen way more than I ever wanted to - some good and some bad and I just kind of took it all in thinking that everything has a purpose. Everything except for this - Robin, I have struggled for more than a decade trying to figure out what would be the purpose in not only robbing you of your first love but in also having you face the same disease and I have to admit I can't find one."

His small sniffle echoed loudly in the cavernous lab. "Robin, I would give anything - including my life - to be able to take this from you."

She gasped. "Uncle Mac-"

"You are my daughter - you have grown in my heart as though you were my biological child and I wish - I wish you didn't have to deal with all of this. And so if the truth be told, I too am jealous of Patrick - not that's he's negative but that he got to hear that and you didn't."

Raw and exposed, they hugged each other for several moments. Robin chewed on her bottom lip. "I told Patrick we'd celebrate tonight but I don't...I don't how we should celebrate this."

"Celebrations don't always have to be elaborate or grand moments - it could be something simple and quiet."

"You're pretty wise, you know that?"

Mac smirked. "It's the gray hair"

"I felt like I was drowning in Alan's office," she admitted, "like there wasn't enough oxygen and I was going to suffocate under all of it."

"And now?"

"And now I feel like I can look him in the eye. Talking to you makes me feel less crazy."

"You aren't crazy" he told her gently. "Some days life hands us stuff that is heavier than we can carry and so when that happens, you need someone to help you carry the load."

Throwing her arms around his neck, she hugged him tightly. "I love you" she whispered, "and you are the best parent I have. I am so lucky to have you."