Chapter 50

I have wished on every star that shot across my broken heart
I am still amazed that you came true

He stood outside the office door, his hand raised and ready to knock but he could not complete the movement. The news that he was HIV negative was a relief on many levels but he had been wholly unprepared for how off balance it left him feeling. In the early days after his exposure, he would dream about this day, dream about getting the news that he was fine. He expected that he would be dancing for joy, leaping about his office but now that the day had arrived he felt only relief and a strange sense of discomfort.

Biting the bullet, he rapped lightly on the door.

"Yeah?"

Pushing it open, he looked at his father who was squinting at the light board examining some film. With his elbow on the table, his chin rested in his palm and Patrick gave a slight smirk, knowing he examined film the exact same way.

"Bad time?" he asked.

Hearing his son's voice, Noah flipped off the board switch and swivelled round in his chair to face him. "Patrick" he greeted him softly, with a smile.

"Hey"

"Are you...I thought you didn't have radiation again until after Christmas?"

"I don't" he replied, slipping into the chair on the opposite side of his father's desk. "I...uh...Alan called and asked to see me"

Noah furrowed his brow together. "Oh?"

"He had the results of my final HIV test."

Noah swallowed thickly as he looked expectantly at his son. In his heart he believed he was negative - he simply had to pay. Patrick was already fighting against one invader, he couldn't be burdened with another. The universe was not that cruel - was it?

"And?" he prodded, hoping to keep his voice steady.

"I'm negative"

A large whoosh of breath escaped from the back of Noah's throat and he closed his eyes and said a silent prayer of gratitude. "I am so pleased for you" he told as he opened his eyes. He wanted to take his son in his arms and hug the stuffing out of him but was unsure how well that would be received. Looking at his son, he did a double take. There was something about the way he was holding his head, something about the way he kept glancing at the floor, that caught his attention.

"Sport? Is there something else?"

"No" he shook his head.

"You don't seem very happy."

"I am. I'm relieved."

"But not happy?"

Patrick shrugged. He had never really been one to talk about his feelings. In fact, he often moaned to Robin that he had done more talking about emotions in the months they had been together than he had in his entire life before her. And now he didn't know how to articulate what he was feeling. He was partly afraid that somehow, what he was feeling was wrong and he was reluctant to say it out loud in case it came out wrong or resulted in hurt feelings.

"I guess I'm just tired" he offered weakly. "Alan said that because of everything around the tumour that my perspective has likely changed and that's why I'm a little...muted...on the results."

"That makes sense" Noah confirmed.

But he knew that wasn't what it was. In the few moments he had watched Patrick struggle to answer his question, he had deduced exactly what his son's problem was. He may have missed a decade of his life and forfeited many of his rights as a father but nothing could change the fact that this was his son and he knew him better than anyone.

Uncomfortable with the tension hanging in the air, Patrick changed the subject. "What are you doing for Christmas? Working?"

"No" he shook his head. "I'm uh, I'm going to the Hamptons."

His eyes widened in surprise. "By yourself?"

Noah nervously licked his lips. "Yeah. I...uh...it's just..." he stammered. Pausing, he took a deep breath and started again. "I have to face my demons - all of them - I've worked every holiday I could to avoid thinking of your mom but it doesn't work. And that house is filled with good memories and I just wanted to be surrounded by them."

Patrick's cheeks flushed."I'm sorry - I should have..." He shook his head. "I should have asked you if you wanted to do something."

"No" he corrected, "we're not there yet Patrick." Noah's honest admission took them both by surprise. "We will be but I'd rather we do this in baby steps than have it all fall apart because we've rushed it."

"Okay" he nodded. "I was thinking after you gave me that ornament last night that I'd like to take Robin to the Hamptons at some point. I think she'd like the house."

The corners of his mouth twitched up in a smile. "I think she would too. It's your house as well Patrick and you are welcome to go there whenever you want."

"Th-thanks." Suddenly rising to his feet, he wiped his palms against the dark denim of his jeans. "I should go."

Noah stood as well and walked him to the door. "Thank you for coming and telling me" he said softly.

"Yeah"

Patrick turned to go and felt his father's hand on his shoulder. Turning to face him, he was surprised to find himself enveloped in his father's arms. Noah hugged him tightly and for just a moment, Patrick allowed himself to remember what the comfort of parent was like.

"I love you son" he told him. "And I'm really, really pleased about your test results."

Nodding wordlessly, Patrick slipped from his arms and outside the door.

Robin double checked the champagne before fishing her keys from her purse. Her conversation with Mac had left her exhausted but determined to make this a special night for Patrick. He had taken a risk all those months ago to operate when he was explicitly told not to. He had been told it was a hopeless case and he should walk away from it but he refused. There had been consequences, both good and bad, to his decision that day in July and this final test result was the end to one chapter and it needed to be celebrated, regardless of the feelings it stirred up in her.

Balancing the bag of food and the champagne on one hip, she expertly slid her key into the lock and pushed open the door. "I'm home" she called out.

Seeing her struggle with her full hands, Patrick jogged from the kitchen and took the packages from her. "Did you buy out Mr. Chang's?" he asked, shutting the door behind her.

"I promised you a celebration" she told him brightly. "And I don't know about you but that generally involves eating until I burst!" Reaching for the plastic bag she pulled out the champagne with great flourish. "I don't know if champagne goes with Kung Pow Chicken but what the heck, right?"

Feeling his throat close over Patrick swallowed thickly several times and dropped his gaze to the floor.

Sensing a sudden change in mood, Robin shifted from one foot to the other. "Don't tell me - champagne doesn't go with chinese and I've offended your palette?" she joked weakly.

Patrick shook his head, chewing on his bottom lip.

"Is it...is it the radiation? Is it already affecting your appetite? Oh god!" she smacked her forehead with the palm of her hand. "I didn't even think about it. Are you nauseous? Having difficulty digesting?"

Blowing out his cheeks, he reached across the breakfast bar and curled his hand around hers. "No, it's fine" he told her as he finally met her gaze. "My appetite is fine."

"Then what is it?" she asked uneasily.

"I..uh...I just don't feel like celebrating."

She dropped his hand. "What? Why? Did something happen?"

"No, nothing happened. It's just that I...uh..." his voice trailed off.

Coming around the breakfast bar and into the kitchen, she curled her fingers through his belt loops. "Patrick? Tell me."

"I can't" he moaned. "I'm going to screw it up."

Reaching up, she gently touched his cheek. "You can tell me anything. I'm not worried about whether it's graceful or not. You got some really, really good news today but you don't seem happy about it - you seem off."

His rich brown eyes bore deeply into hers. "So do you" he told her softly.

A small gasp escaped from the back of her throat as she tightened her grip on him.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked her.

"Nope" she told him with a shake of her head. "I want to talk about you." Taking him by the hand, she led him from the kitchen to the living room and pulled him down beside her on the couch.

"Baby, what's going on?" she prodded gently.

"I don't want to celebrate" he replied simply.

"Why not?"

Taking her hand, he placed it, palm down, against his own and lightly trailed his fingertips across it. He loved the feel of her skin - it was smooth and warm and soothing. Inhaling sharply, he dove in. "It feels wrong to celebrate."

"Because of the tumour?"

"Because of you"

Robin recoiled slightly. "Wh-what? What do you mean?"

His fingers traced a continual pattern over her hand. "It..it would be wrong" he began cautiously. "It would be wrong to celebrate not having something that you do. I don't want to celebrate being negative."

"Patrick-"

"I mean it Robin" he interjected, "I'm relieved that I'm negative but I don't want to celebrate."

"Patrick I am really, truly happy for your results."

"I know" he assured her. "And I love you for it. I never would have made it through those early, dark moments without you telling how to put one foot in front of the other but it makes me sad that you'll never get to hear what I heard today."

Her eyes welled with tears as she wondered how she could have ever doubted that he wouldn't understand her conflicting feelings. He swiped with his thumb at the first tear that had snuck down her face.

"In Alan's office I felt relief and happiness for a moment" he confessed, "but then I just felt weird. Alan told me it was probably because of how my focus is on something else right now but I knew even then that it was because you never got that moment. You never had the options I had and I so wish that had been available to you."

Shaking her head, she flashed him a watery smile. "You never cease to amaze me" she told him.

"How's that?"

"In the first few months that I knew you, I told myself in my head and told you out loud more than once that you had the depth of a mud puddle but really, it was just an act. You are more caring and compassionate than anyone would ever guess and I love you more every day for it."

Momentarily stunned, he pulled her into his arms and held her tightly. "If I'm that way " he whispered against her ear, "it's because you make it okay for me to be like that."

Snaking her arms around his waist, she laid her head to rest on his chest. "Okay, so no big celebration but we still have chinese food and champagne - what do you want to do?"

Dipping his head, he gently captured her lips with his own. "Strip race cars" he whispered.

Throwing her head back, Robin let out a throaty laugh. "You're on! I'll get the food - you get the track."

Patrick watched as she slid from his lap and headed for the kitchen. Turning to the side table, he picked up the list he had started and folding it, shoved it in to his back pocket. By no means complete, it was at least the start of his plan to give her the memories of a lifetime.