Chapter 51
Belief is a beautiful armour
"Are you going to let me see the films or what?" Patrick asked impatiently.
Eric cocked his eyebrow and fixed his friend with a look. "You're a patient. Do you normally let patients look at their films?"
Stifling a groan Patrick exhaled slowly. "Nooooo. However, I actually happen to be a neurologist and I know how to read films. So..."
"Meh. You're still a patient," he replied with a shrug.
"Fuck you Smitty" he snapped, "let me see the goddamn films!"
Taking care not to react to his outburst, Eric eyed him carefully. Swivelling the light board around to face him, he leaned back in his chair and studied his friend as he studied his MRI. Eric had been consulting with colleagues at his hospital regarding Patrick's treatment and prognosis and they had all come to the same conclusion, shrinking the tumour was absolutely necessary if surgery was going to be successful. But tumours tended to shrink slolwy and in the process Patrick would still feel all the side effects of both having a mass pressing against his brain as well as the radiation.
"It doesn't seem bigger" Patrick observed quietly.
Eric shook his head. "Nope. It would seem at the very least we have stalled its growth and that is good news."
Patrick pursed his lips together and gave his friend a skeptical look. "I'm not sure I would call it good news but at least it's something."
"Pansty, you have got to be the glass half full guy here-"
"Spare me your fucking rah rah speech, okay?" The words had no sooner left his mouth than his eyes widened in shock. "God, Smitty -I'm sorry. I, uh...I snap and I don't even realize it most of the time."
"I know" he reassured him kindly. "It's all part of what's going on in your noggin and you're going to have cut yourself some slack."
Patrick smirked.
"What?"
"You're the second person to tell me that."
"Then perhaps you might like to start following the advice?"
"You're really kind of a snotbag when you want to be, you know that?" he teased.
"In fact, I do." Eric looked at his watch. "Look, why don't we sneak out, grab a beer and some wings and stop playing doctor for a while?"
"Sounds like a plan. I'll swing by to see Robin and let her know we're going out." Seeing his friend's wide smirk, Patrick jokingly narrowed his eyes "What?"
"I'm just enjoying this new side of you. I think it's called whipped."
"Bite me"
Laughing, Eric pushed back his chair and stood up. "I'm pretty sure that's Robin's job. I'll meet you in the lobby."
"'Kay - give me 10" Patrick said as he darted from the room.
Eric watched as he left before turning his attention back to the light board. His suggestion for drinks was more than just a chance to hang out with his best friend; he suspected that Patrick, like many of patients in similar circumstances, was learning to cover his behaviour - especially in a formal setting like a hospital. It has started to slip out during their appointment and he hoped that a social setting might give him a better understanding of where Patrick really was.
After all, films never told the whole story.
"Robin!"
At the sound of her name, she lifted her head from the chart she was reading and grinned. Stepping off the hub, she crouched down and held her arms open as Kristina sprinted into them, hugging her tightly.
"Hi Kristina"
"It's almost Christmas" the little girl announced confidently. "Only two more sleeps and then Santa comes."
"That's right" she agreed. "And did you tell Santa what you wanted for Christmas?"
The young girl nodded sagely. "I asked him to take mommy's cancer away."
Robin swallowed thickly as she smiled at Kristina. "That was...that's a great thing to ask for sweetie. Did you ask for anything for yourself?"
She shook her head.
"Kristina! How many times do I have to tell you NOT to run off" Alexis snapped tightly as she rounded the corner.
"But mommy, I saw Robin."
"That's fine but you still aren't supposed to run ahead of me." Alexis smiled at Robin. "Especially when mommy can't run after you" she added under her breath. "How are you Robin?"
"I'm great" she smiled brightly as she rose to her feet, holding on to Kristina's hand.
"Really?" she queried.
Robin raised her eyebrows questioningly.
"I ran in to Patrick a couple of weeks ago and he filled me in on what's going on with him," she offered by way of explanation.
"Ah." She gave a small shrug. "I really am okay - I mean we're adjusting to things but it's going well. How about you? How are you feeling?"
The lawyer exhaled quietly. "I'm getting better. And I'm done with chemo for the next three weeks so it may be a happy holiday season after all."
"That's wonderful Alexis" she told her genuinely. "What are your plans for the-"
"There you are" Patrick called, striding towards her. He brushed his lips against hers before noticing Alexis and Kristina. "Oh, hi" he greeted them, somewhat apologetically.
"How are you Patrick?" Alexis asked.
"I'm doing okay, thanks. You?"
"Me too." Alexis held out her hand to Kristina, "Come on sweetheart, say goodbye to Robin - we have to get going."
"Oh, don't leave on my account" he said. "I'm just swinging by to tell you," he turned his attention to Robin, "that Eric and I are going to go grab a beer."
"How did your appointment go?"
"Fine."
"Fine? I don't get more than fine? What did Eric say?"
His brown eyes darkened immediately. "Jesus Christ Robin, do you want a word for word re-enactment? I said it's fine, IT'S FINE"
Kristina dropped her hand and ran to her mother, wrapping her arms around her leg and looking up at Patrick in shock. Robin's lips parted slightly as the air escaped from her lungs. She saw regret wash over Patrick's face as his hand covered his mouth.
"I am so sorry" he apologized urgently.
"It's okay" she told him with a small smile.
He gave a small shake of his head. "I didn't mean to-"
"I know" she reassured him. They stared at each other for several beats and Robin reached for his hand. "Go ahead and meet up with Eric - I'll see you later tonight."
Dipping his head towards her, he bussed her lips. "I love you" he whispered.
"I love you too."
Stealing one last kiss, he turned and gave a small, sheepish wave to Alexis and bolted quickly to the elevators, embarrassed by his outburst.
Blowing out her cheeks, Robin sank on to the couch. Alexis smiled kindly at the young doctor. She was familiar with both the anger of being sick and with being on the receiving end of someone else's frustration. Her heart went out to her friend. "Robin, is there anything I can do?"
Inhaling quietly, she looked up at the lawyer. "Would you like to come for dinner tonight?" she asked suddenly. "Bring Kristina and Molly."
She furrowed her brow. "Are you sure?"
Robin nodded. "I would...I would really like the company I think. We can eat whatever you want - popcorn, animal crackers."
She grinned. "I'm actually tolerating solid food these days."
"Great - why don't you come around 7?"
"Okay" she replied with a small nod. "We'll be there." Taking Kristina by the hand, they walked to the elevator.
Flopping back against the soft couch, Robin ran her hands over her face. This was going to get easier. It simply had to.
Eric slid the pitcher of beer on to the table before slipping into his seat. Jake's was filled with the after work crowd and weary shoppers taking refuge from the mall madness. He watched as Patrick reached for the plastic jug to pour the drinks; the small tremor in his hand was still evident and he groaned inwardly. Patrick had said he had been tremor free for more than week All evidence currently pointed to the contrary. Accepting the beer from his friend, he leaned back against his chair.
"So Pantsy - it's your first Christmas as a taken man. Did you give in to the pressure to get her a fancy gift - some large piece of bling perhaps? Or is she getting a box of chocolates you bought last minute at the pharmacy?"
Chuckling, he shook his head. "Oh ye of little faith. As it happens, I'm taking her out of town for New Year's Eve - she doesn't know it yet but she will when she opens her present."
He let out a low whistle. "Wow - you went big right out of the gate. Where are you taking her?"
"Edinburgh" he replied proudly.
"In winter?"
"It's not like it's Moscow" he interjected defensively. "It's home to one of the best New Year's parties on the planet - Hogmanay. And we're going to go."
"I'm impressed."
Patrick laughed "I'm glad - however you're not exactly my target audience. I'm hoping she will be"
"I have no doubt" Eric reassured him. "What prompted you to get so ambitious for a first Christmas gift?" he asked curiously.
"It's not ambitious" he replied quickly. "I just...I want to give her moments - memories - memories to last a lifetime."
He arched his eyebrow. "Are you planning on going somewhere without her? Somewhere that would require her to have a lifetime of memories."
Patrick gave a small shrug. "I just made a list of things I want to do for...with Robin."
"A list. Is this a list of things to do before you die?"
"N-no"
"Cause you're not dying" he told him angrily, "not on my watch"
"I know that."
"Do you? Do you really? Because you need to believe it Pantsy - you can't just pay lip service to it."
"Smitty I'm a realist. This thing killed my mother and-"
"And nothing" he interrupted. "I'm not diminishing what happened to your mother but that was 10 years ago and from what I know, her case was very late in being diagnosed That's not the same situation with you. If you want to make a list of things to sweep your girlfriend off her feet - great - have at it. But a to-do before you die list? That's a non-starter."
"Eric-"
"Are you giving up?"
"No but I'm no Pollyanna either. My tumour isn't smaller."
"Well it ain't bigger and for right now, I'm calling that good progress."
Patrick sighed heavily. "You're going to beat me into submission, aren't you?"
"Or at least have fun trying" he answered with a smirk. "Look Pantsy, when I was sick, I refused to accept that I was going to die."
"You always were too stubborn for your own good."
"Yeah, well, now it's your turn. You have a woman that loves you and is standing by you. You owe it to yourself and to her to fight with everything you have."
"Are you done lecturing me now?" he asked good naturedly.
Taking another long sip from his beer, he smiled. "In fact I am. So - what else do you have on this magical list of yours?"
Not quite meeting his friend's eyes, he pursed his lips together. "This and that."
Eric narrowed his eyes knowingly. "Do you...do you have the list with you?"
"No" he answered quickly.
His eyes widened and he laughed out loud. "Oh my god. You DO have it with you. You are so far gone! Hand over the list."
"No"
Eric held his hand out across the table. "Hand over the list" he demanded.
"I really hate it when you mock me" he grumbled.
"Then you probably shouldn't make it so easy"
"Whatever" he sighed heavily. Reaching in to his back pocket, he fished out his wallet and pulled the folded piece of paper and carefully, reluctantly handed it to his friend.
Taking it, Eric unfolded it and scanned it. "Are these in order?"
"Not necessarily." Patrick's cheeks burned red. He hadn't really had any intention of actually sharing his list with anyone - not even Robin. There was a part of him that thought it hokey or cheesy but it mattered to him and he didn't want to be to ridiculed for it or for his desire to provide the woman he loved with great moments.
"Who is Brenda?"
"Robin's best friend. We've not met and I thought Robin might like to go to Rome and see her."
Eric nodded and turned his attention back to the paper. "A Rangers/Devils game? Seriously? She cheers for the Devils?"
A playful smile formed on Patrick's face. "I think she only does it to provoke me. She has this Brodeur sweater she insists on wearing and irritates me. So I thought I'd take her to the Garden and let her see how the big boys do it."
"I see. And the trip to the Hamptons?"
"My dad still has the house there and I thought...I thought she might like a chance to go there. And I think maybe I'm ready to go back there too."
He nodded knowingly and went to the next item on the list. "What is the cabin?"
"It's none of your business" Patrick answered quickly.
"Fair enough. And seeing Paris through Robin's eyes?"
"I want to show her New York through my eyes and I want to see Paris through hers. She was there for eight years."
Eric smiled and carefully folded the list before passing it back to his friend. "You really do have it bad," he observed kindly.
"I do" he agreed. "I didn't know it was possible and you know what's ironic?"
"What?"
"I used to avoid relationships because I didn't want to be tied down - I was afraid of losing my freedom."
"So what changed?"
"I guess I've discovered that being in love isn't being tied down and I haven't lost my freedom - I've just...I've gained more."