Chapter 52

How I love you, every square inch
Love your brown eyes and your forgiveness

Robin swiped at the ketchup that had dribbled on her chin as she grinned at Alexis. "You know, I loved Paris – loved the food, loved the wine, loved the museums but there are just some things the French cannot do"

"Bacon cheeseburgers?" she offered before taking a bite.

"Exactly!" she laughed. "They always want to put brie or beets or some such on it when all I wanted was a good old American burger – greasy, cheesy and bacony."

"Bacony?"

"What? It's a word."

"You must be a nightmare to play scrabble against" Alexis mused.

"Creativity is an important thing" she replied with a shrug and an impish grin. "I have to say it's good to see you with such a healthy appetite."

Alexis nodded her agreement. "Believe me I'm happy to have a healthy appetite again. I was overdosing on protein shakes and power bars," she shuddered. "So….."

Knowing where her friend was heading, Robin gave her a wry smile. "Do I need to be sworn in before I'm cross-examined?" she asked teasingly.

"Hmmm" she tapped her chin. "I think you can be trusted to answer truthfully without having to swear."

"What do you want to know?"

"How are you? And 'I'm fine' is not a suitable answer."

Robin inhaled sharply. Despite Brenda's persistence, she only skimmed the surface when talking with her and other than a few conversations with Mac she had not really given voice to her feelings about Patrick's illness, not even to herself. The question of how she was seemed simple but the answer was enormously complicated.

"I'm okay" she offered. Seeing the look of scepticism on her friend's face she persisted. "Really. Some days are great and other days aren't and on balance, I'm okay."

"So today, when he snapped at you – that's not a great day?"

At the perceived slight against her boyfriend, Robin jumped to his defense. "I'm not angry with him Alexis. He can't control those outbursts – it part and parcel of where his tumour is located and what that pressure does to his emotional reactions. He is doing the very best he can."

Holding up her hands, she smiled kindly at the young doctor. "I surrender. Robin, I wasn't finding fault with him, not at all. My tumour isn't in my brain and I still snap at people. But understanding why he is reacting the way he is doesn't necessarily lessen the impact of it."

Reaching for her chocolate milkshake, Robin sucked greedily on the straw. "I know but I'm trying to be supportive of him. Alexis, he has been so good to me. He refused to walk away last fall when I gave him every reason to. I was, at times, irrational and angry and difficult but he stayed and he fought for me."

"He loves you Robin," she told her softly.

"And I love him."

"But that doesn't mean losing yourself in the process. I know that me having cancer has impacted everyone in my life – Molly and Kristina, Sam, Ric and even Jax and Sonny. And I know what you've been through with Stone and with Jason and so I would imagine that Patrick's illness is bringing up some difficult memories for you."

Leaning back in her chair she pulled her legs up underneath her. Alexis was not the first person to suggest to her that this was reminiscent of what happened with Stone and she agreed that on some level, it felt painfully familiar. But she was consciously trying to live in the present and deal with the situation in front of her, not the memories it awakened.

"Patrick isn't dying" she said sharply.

"There are worse things than dying"

After a long pause, she slowly nodded. "I know" she whispered.

"Are you scared?"

Her tongue darted from her mouth and swiped at her lips. "Yeah. I am" she admitted. It was strangely liberating to say it out loud.

"Of what?" she asked kindly.

"Of losing him. Of losing him in a 100 different ways – he is already changed. He is fatigued from the radiation – not that he'd admit it, but I can see it. And he has these tiny seizures in his sleep. He is becoming less sure of himself and that's hard to see" she confessed quietly. "Though I try not to feed his ego, I love his confidence and his cockiness and it's hard to watch that start to ebb."

"That's part of being sick."

"I know." She sighed heavily. "I just….I need him to be okay Alexis. I…I never – I really believed that I wasn't going to find love again. Patrick has been the most amazing surprise and he is in my heart in a way that no one else has ever been. I have paid my dues for this – I have earned this chance and I don't care if it sounds selfish or not but I want my happy ending."

"It doesn't sound selfish and you'll get no argument from me. You deserve this Robin and it's okay to say so."

Wiping away the first signs of tears that had appeared she smirked. "I didn't mean to get all weepy."

"It's okay," she reassured her. "Robin, you and I are bonded by a pretty big moment – you delivered my daughter and you saved my life. It would be impossible for me to repay that but I do want you to know that I am here for you in any way that you need – as a lawyer, a sounding board or a friend."

Getting up from her chair, Robin crossed to the couch and threw her arms around Alexis, hugging her tightly. "I can't tell you how much that means to me."

"Any time Robin."

"Uh-oh Smitty, I think we came at a bad time" Patrick announced as the two men stood in the doorway.

Breaking the embrace, Robin and Alexis both looked at the door in surprise. "You guys are back early," Robin smiled. "Did Coleman kick you out?"

Patrick shut the door behind them and kicked off his snowy shoes. "Have you ladies not looked outside? It's a blizzard out there – the city has shut down. They've ordered people off the roads."

Walking to the window, Robin pulled back the curtains and stared in shock at the scene before her. Snow was coming down in sheets and everything was blanketed. She turned back to the couch.

"I think you and Kristina are going to be bunking with us"

"Do you have room?" Alexis was trying very hard not to look at Eric but that became nearly impossible when he sat down beside her.

"We do. You and Kristina can have the guest bedroom and Eric, you can sleep on the pull out couch in the office if that's okay?"

He smiled. "Have you become soft since your residency?" he teased. "I can still sleep anywhere – on the floor, standing up in the shower…"

"That's quite a talent" Alexis remarked, meeting his blue eyes before looking away quickly.

Settling into the chair and holding his hand out to Robin, he noticed his friend's cheeks flush slightly and he was amused. "Oh Eric has many talents Alexis."

He laughed out loud as a pillow sailed towards his head.

Intercepting the pillow, Robin set it on the ground before sliding on to Patrick's lap. She draped her arm around his shoulder and placed a soft kiss on his neck. "Did you guys have a good night?"

"I beat him at pool" Eric offered.

"Hardly an accomplishment" Robin sniffed. "I think Kristina could beat him at pool."

"Hey!" Patrick protested. "You are a mean, mean woman. Speaking of which –where is Kristina?"

"Robin set her up in the office watching Lemony Snicket. She's read all the books."

"So have I" Eric admitted.

All three looked at him in shock.

"What? They're good books."

"Sure they are" Patrick teased. "If you're six."

"Bite me Pantsy"

"Show me where"

Groaning, Robin rolled her eyes. "Speaking of being six. Did you guys regress or something?"

Ignoring her comment, Patrick looked at the remnants from their burgers and smiled at his girlfriend. "Bacon cheeseburgers?"

"Of course" she grinned. "And we were just about to have ice cream – do you guys want some?"

"Hell yes" Patrick agreed.

Alexis went in search of Kristina while Robin headed to the kitchen. She could hear the two boys teasing and arguing with each other. The sound of their laughter filled the apartment and she felt her tension begin to wash away.

She returned from the kitchen with a loaded down tray and Patrick jumped up from his seat and relieved her of the ice cream laden tray, setting down on the table. There were five bowls of vanilla and chocolate ice cream along with crushed peanuts, hot fudge sauce, caramel sauce and maraschino cherries.

"If we're going to be snowed in, we might as well enjoy ourselves" Robin said, settling on the floor.

Flopping on to the couch, Kristina eyed Eric. "Hi Kristina" he greeted her with a smile. "I'm Eric – we met a little while ago at the hospital."

The young girl furrowed her brow before breaking into a wide smile. "Hi"

"Are you going to have a sundae?" he asked.

"Yah"

"It's yes not yah" Alexis corrected gently.

"Yes" Kristina repeated.

"Good" he grinned, "me too."

"Kristina, I brought you some grape juice too" Robin told her. "It's in the blue cup."

Conversation flowed easily between the four and Alexis regaled them with some of her most bizarre cases from her time as District Attorney. They compared places they had traveled to, movies they had seen and favourite songs. Robin did her best to persuade Eric to spill more stories about Patrick's hijinx in college but he claimed the presence of a child in the room as an excuse not to.

Still on the floor, Robin leaned back against the chair Patrick was sitting in and sighed happily as his fingers threaded through her hair. His touch always sent electricity coursing through her body.

Alexis did a double take as her normally reserved daughter climbed into Eric's lap and began to play with the button on his shirt.
"You're tall" she told him confidently.

"Yes I am"

"Are you a giant?"

"Not quite."

Her curiosity got the better of her. "How did you get to be so tall?"

"Kristina!" Alexis sighed with slight embarrassment, blushing as Eric winked at her.

"My mom says I got sprinkled with pixie dust one night and when I woke up the next morning I was this tall" he teased.

Kristina pulled on her bottom lip as she considered his answer. "Nooooooo"

"You don't believe me?" he asked with mock hurt in his voice.

"There's no such thing as pixie dust" she stated. Unsteadily raising her juice cup to her lips, she slipped and spilled it down the front of Eric's light blue shirt.

"Oh NO!" she cried, her eyes filling with tears.

"Oh Kristina!" Alexis sighed.

Eric shook his head. "It's fine." Picking up the young girl, he set her gently down on the floor and reached for a pile of napkins.

"I am so sorry" Alexis stammered.

"It's just a shirt" he reminded her gently as he headed to the kitchen in search of a damp cloth.

Patrick got up at the same time. "Get that off you Smitty and we'll throw it in the wash. I'll get you a t-shirt from my room."

Feeling badly, Alexis followed Eric to the kitchen, stopping short as he peeled off his shirt. Face to face with his broad shoulders and lightly tanned skin, she felt her throat constrict. A four-leaf clover tattoo sat on his shoulder and the image of a phoenix rising from the ashes adorned his back.

Sensing someone behind him, he looked over his shoulder. "Hey"

"I am really sorry" she repeated.

Turning around, he leaned against the kitchen counter. "Alexis really – no harm, no foul."

"I'll buy you a new shirt." Her neck reddened as she drank in his lean frame. Unconsciously, she adjusted her wig.

"It's not necessary" he told her with a touch of bemusement in his voice.

"So…uh….big plans for Christmas?" she asked nervously. "Time with your family?"

He shook his head. "My parents are on the west coast."

"Oh. So…uh….do you go to your girlfriend's family for dinner?" She cringed the minute the question left her mouth and she wondered when exactly it was that she turned into a teenager.

Eric grinned and folded his arms across his chest. "I don't have a girlfriend" he said. "I work on Christmas – always have."

She could feel her cheeks blush. "I see. Well…erm….that's good."

He arched his eyebrow in amusement. "What's good? That I don't have a girlfriend or that I'm working on Christmas?"

"Uh…um…."

"Here you go" Patrick interrupted them, tossing a t-shirt to him.

Alexis took the opportunity to escape from the most difficult situation she had put herself in and headed back to the living room. Using Kristina as an excuse, she headed to the guest bedroom to get her daughter ready for bed.

His hands jammed in his jeans pocket, Patrick gave Robin a tired smile. "I'm going to take a shower" he told her quietly.

Reaching for his hand she pulled it from his pocket and began to massage the very visible cramp. At least three times a week, Patrick's hand would tremble and then curl up in a painful cramp. Once the cramp was relieved he would stand under a very hot shower to ward off any further incidents.

Gently pulling his hand from her, he brushed his lips against hers kissing her lightly. "I won't be long" he told her before looking at his friend. "And I'll see you in the morning."

"Good night Pantsy," Eric said watching the scene before him very carefully.

Robin stared after him as he ambled down the hallway to the bathroom. Once out of sight, she turned back to Eric. "I need you to tell me the truth" she told him, holding his gaze.

He sank down on to the couch. "Shoot"

"How is he? And I mean really – don't pull punches."

Eric tiredly ran his hands over his face. "The good news is the tumour's growth seems to be stalled."

"What's the bad news?" she asked, chewing nervously on her bottom lip.

"It's not smaller. You and I both know the sooner I can get it out of his head, the better off he'll be but I would prefer not to operate until we've got it a little smaller."

"But you could do it now, if you had to?"

Inhaling sharply, he gave a small nod. "But the risks of permanent side effects are always higher."

"Eric, he is struggling with this-"

"I know" he interjected. "But I don't want to trade one problem for another and that is very well what could happen if I go in right now. Let's give the radiation some more time to work"

"I just want it over. He's trying so hard to be brave for me-"

"And you're trying to be brave for him" he observed softly. "Look Robin, far be it from me to meddle in anyone's relationship but have you two talked honestly – I mean really honestly about how you are both feeling about this?"

She gave a small shrug. "We talk."

"Of that I have no doubt" he replied with a smile.

"Eric, I know what it means to stand by someone I love when they are sick. I know what it entails and while this isn't what I would choose for me and more importantly for Patrick, it is what it is and we are going to get through it."

Patrick stood at the entrance to the living room, listening to the conversation between his best friend and his girlfriend. Thinking better of joining them, he slipped away, sight unseen, and headed to his bedroom.

Eric flashed a kind smile at Robin. "You and I both know that sometimes the best medical decisions aren't the most expedient ones but I am trying to stick to what I believe is the best course of treatment for him. If you know of a drug, even in the experimental stages that could work, I am open to suggestions."

She sighed heavily and gave a small shake of her head. "I don't – I've called all my contacts and there wasn't anything they were willing to recommend."

"Okay, well you keep beating the bushes and in the meantime we'll keep going in the direction we are."

"I know you're doing everything you can for him Eric. I don't mean to sound ungrateful because I'm not. It's just, I'm…"

"Frustrated?" he offered.

"Yeah" she agreed.

"Me too" he admitted. "But I'm not giving up.

"Me either." Rising from the couch, she smiled gratefully at him. "Good night Eric."

Robin headed to the bedroom and creaking open the door, slipped inside the room. Changing into a pair of Patrick's boxers and a tank top, she slid into bed beside him, jumping slightly as his arms encircled her.

"I thought you were asleep"

"Can't sleep without you in my arms" he told herm, nuzzling her neck.

"Is this where you compare me to a blankie again?" She smiled as his laughter reverberated against her skin.

He traced his finger tips along her collar bone and down her arms. He left a trail of small kisses in their wake. "I love you" he said softly. "And I'm sorry about snapping at you today."

Running her finger along his bottom lip, she shook her head. "I don't need an apology, I just need you."

"I would do anything for you, you know. Including letting you go, if that's what you needed."

A small gasp escaped from her throat and even in the dark, her rich brown eyes widened. She burrowed closer to him, her legs threading through his.

"I don't want you to let me go. Not ever."