Chapter 55

This place is so quiet, sensing that storm

Cradling his head in her lap, Robin wiped at the small trickle of blood at the corner of his mouth.

She had frozen in place as he had writhed on the floor, his muscles tightened in painful, awkward spasms. It had last not more than a minute or two but for Robin it had felt like a lifetime. Feeling helpless was something she was, for the most part, unaccustomed to and the sight of the man she loved banging against the floor had gripped her heart and threatened to the squeeze all the air from her body.

As the seizure passed, she ran to the bathroom and dug out a pair of the latex gloves she always carried with her. Snapping them on, she wet a facecloth and returned to Patrick, pressing the cool cloth against his forehead. His eyes fluttered and his mouth hung open, silently gasping for air as his heart rate returned to normal. She could hear him swallow thickly and knew he was coming around.

"Shhh" she soothed, "you're okay Patrick."

Groaning, his head rolled to the side as he pried his eyes open. "R-r-robin" he stammered hoarsely, his tongue feeling fat in his mouth.

She gently pushed his matted hair from his forehead with one hand while reassuringly stroking his cheek with the other. "You bit your tongue" she told him quietly.

Even through the haze that still enveloped him, he was well aware of what she had witnessed and feelings of embarassment and humiliation washed over him. He had wanted to protect her from it all costs - not just because he hoped to keep the difficult reality of his tumour from her for as long as possible but also because he did not want her to see him weak, to see him in such an unmanly way. In his mind, part of caring for her meant demonstrating that he was reliable in ways that her past loves were not. Full blown seizures did not help him to make his case.

Feeling as though an elephant was having a nap on his chest, he struggled to sit up. Robin tried to convince him to lie still but he needed to get off the floor. There was something very ignoble about laying on the floor and it unsettled him.

"Let me help you" she said quickly rising to his feet.

Shrugging off her hand, he shook his head. "I'm fine."

"Of course you are." Her reply dripped freely with sarcasm.

Watching as he shuffled to the bedroom, Robin took one steadying breath after another; exhaling slowly, she followed him.

Shivering under the cold sweat that stuck to him, he stripped off his t-shirt and reached into his suitcase for a dry one. He pulled back the covers and climbed in to the bed. His seizures knocked the stuffing out of him and left him exhausted and craving sleep. His fatigue was at war with his anger over Robin not listening to him, not hearing his pleas to leave but lacking the energy to speak at length, he simply pulled the covers to his neck.

"Can I get you anything?" she asked as she entered the bedroom.

"I just need to sleep" he answered tightly.

"Do you...do you want this?" She held the medallion before him and waited.

"Where did you get that?"

"It fell from your hand after your seizure. I think your hand is probably bruised from gripping it."

With a herculean effort, he snatched it from her hand.

"HEY!" she exclaimed, surprised and angered by his aggressive move. "What is your problem?"

Sheepishly, he met her gaze. "I'm sorry. I just...I need to sleep Robin"

Blowing out her cheeks, Robin bent down and pressed her lips just under his ear. "I love you" she whispered.

He nodded slightly before pulling the covers closer to him and rolling away from her.

Sighing, Robin padded out of the room, pulling the door closed behind her. She flopped on to the couch and tiredly ran her hands over her face. The contradiction of emotions she was feeling confused her. She was scared, absolutely but she was also angry - furious even. She was angry that the tumour wasn't responding to treatment and was still attacking him - attacking them - and she was quietly angry that he was still trying so hard to push her away. After all the ground they had covered, the admissions of love, the slow tearing down of walls it now felt like that nothing had changed.

He had no reticence in pushing her to be more open, less guaraded with him. When she was being chased by the memories of Stone and the guilt that she had been living with, he would not be deterred from helping her. It didn't matter what she said or did or how many times she asked him to leave, he wouldn't. And yet from the moment he knew something was wrong with his own health, he had lied and covered and done everything he could to keep her in the dark. She knew his intent in doing so was good but intent didn't change the result.

She fingered the claddagh necklace that had hung around her neck since the night of the Nurses' Ball. There was no doubt in her mind that he loved her but despite it all, he did not seem to trust her and she could not figure out why that was.

xoxoxoxoxo

Hearing the creak of the bedroom door as it opened, Robin looked up and watched silently as Patrick shuffled through the door. His hair was askew and a soft shadow of stubble lay against his cheeks. His trackpants looked suddenly big on him and his t-shirt had more room in it than it had before. She had not realized until that very moment how much weight he was losing. For the second time that day she felt icy fingers close around her heart.

"Hey" he greeted her hoarsely.

"How is your tongue?"

He pushed it around his mouth and felt the small cut run along the back of his teeth. He shrugged. "Okay."

"How are you feeling?"

"Tired."

Pursing her lips together, Robin nodded. "Me too."

Tilting his head to the side, Patrick looked at her carefully. The determined set of her jaw and the blaze in her eyes were unmistakable. He let out a small breath. "We're going to do this now, aren't we?"

"Yeah. We are" she answered. "You don't get to be pissed at me" she told him, jumping right in. "You don't get to be pissed at my refusal to leave as you're having a seizure."

Looking straight ahead, his tongue darted from his mouth and moistened his dry lips. "I didn't want you to see it."

"Do you think I've never seen a seizure before?"

"You've never seen me have a seizure before"

"Yes I have"

Her quick answer caused his head to snap up. "What?"

"You have them in your sleep" she revealed. "You twitch and tremble and your mouth hangs open and for about five minutes you lie perfectly still except for your tremoring hands. I've seen you have a seizure and I'm still here so why are you trying so hard to push me away?"

"I'm not trying to push you away" he countered. "I want to...I'm trying to..."

"Protect me" she finished for him. "But I don't need to be protected so it stops now."

"Robin-"

"No. It's my turn to talk. I know you're scared but you don't get to run. I love you" she told him as she cupped his chin and forced him to look at her. "And we are in this together."

"Robin" he whispered, "I don't want to add to your stress."

"Add to my stress? Let me tell you what adds to my stress. You - trying to throw me out of a hotel when I know are you about to hit the ground. What is it about me that you don't trust?"

He blinked rapidly as tears filled his eyes. "I do trust you" he replied. His voice was so soft that Robin had to strain to hear him.

"I don't think you do. You have been lying to me since the beginning of all this and you are still lying to me. Why?"

His mouth dropped open as he inhaled sharply. "I'm trying to protect you."

"From what?" she asked angrily. "I'm not fragile - I'm not going to break and you leaning on me doesn't make you un-manly either."

His gaze dropped to the couch and his fingers pulled at the imaginary lint laying against the cushion. He didn't want to answer her, he didn't want to say it out loud but there was little choice left.

"I don't want to be another..." his voice hitched and faltered, "I don't want to be this to you - another sick boyfriend."

Robin gasped as her hand closed over her mouth. "Oh Patrick" she sighed. "You aren't that to me."

"You have already been through this."

"NO!" she answered emphatically. "You aren't Stone or Jason and I'm not a scared teenager." She fingered her necklace again. "You see this?" He nodded. "This is who we are - who we are to each other. The heart for love, the hands for friendship and the crown for loyalty. This is us and none of that changes because you're sick or because I have HIV - we are so much bigger and so much more than that. You're not the only neuro specialist in this relationship and I can read symptoms and reactions even when you say nothing. So I know that the treatment is working as quickly or as well as either of us would like but it is working. And you are going to get better and we will move on from this together."

"Robin."

"You have to stop running Patrick." She held his gaze with her own determined brown eyes. "Do you love me?"

His hand swiped over his mouth and his cheeks flushed at the question. "Do you have to ask?"

"I do" she replied with a nod.

"God Robin - I do. I love you...I love you without limit."

Her own eyes welled and she unashamedly let tears tumble down her face. "Me too. So no more hiding for me, okay?"

Reaching for her, he tugged her into his arms and pulled her body flush to his. He tangled his legs through hers and wrapped his arms tightly around hers. Placing several whispered kisses against her cheek and under her ear, he let go of the breath he had been unknowingly holding. He wasn't sure he knew how to stop running, it had been second nature his entire adult life but he was ready to try standing still