Chapter 58

I just want you to know who I am

Her legs bounced with nervous energy and she ran her fingers in a singular pattern along the large file as she paced in front of the Nurses Station. The elevator dinged and her head snapped up; Robin spotted him the moment he stepped off. With the film file in her hand she walked briskly to greet him.

"Eric, I'm so glad you could come."

"You said it was important" he replied with a kind smile, "and hi, by the way."

Pausing for a moment, she let go of the breath she had been holding on to. "Hi."

"What's up?" It did not escape his notice that the young doctor was tightly wound.

"I have Patrick's latest film and I thought we could look at it together and then discuss next steps."

Eric looked at her in surprise as he reached for the file she held out to him. "Did Patrick give you these films?" The shake of her head caused him to frown. "And has he given you permission to talk to me about his case?"

"No but-"

"But nothing Robin. I cannot discuss this with you and you shouldn't be pulling his film or his chart – you know better than that," he admonished kindly.

"This coming from the guy who gave me his test results?"

His cheeks flushed red at being called out on his minor hypocrisy. "I could say that was a different situation but that's not going to work, is it?"

"No," she replied with a small smile.

"Has something changed?"

"Look at the films and you tell me."

Sliding the flimsy film from its holder, Eric held it up to the light and dropping his eyes, groaned. Taking a breath he took a second look and was not any happier with what he saw. He gently placed the film back in its holder and handed the file back to Robin.

"What did you see?"

"Not enough progress" he said with a tinge of disappointment in his voice.

Air leaked slowly from her lungs. She was not surprised but she had held on to faint hope that perhaps she wasn't reading the films correctly. "Yeah, I didn't think so. So what's next?"

"Next, I speak with Patrick about treatment options."

"I want to be a part of those discussions," she told him firmly.

"Robin, that's for you and Patrick to decide – I don't have a say in it nor do I want one."

"Add me to your team."

Eric did a double take, taken off guard but the sudden aggressive change in attitude on Robin's part. "Pardon me?"

"Add me to your team" she repeated, folding her arms across her chest. "I'm already researching alternative treatments, make me a part of the team and we can work together."

He dragged his fingers across his forehead and let out a small breath. "No," he told her quietly. "Not a chance."

Her eyebrows shot up in surprise; while she hadn't expected outright acceptance, she had hoped that he would at least be open to a discussion on the subject – a chance for her to make her case. "Excuse me?"

"I said no. Robin, I am already straddling the line by being Patrick's primary but I cannot – I will not have his girlfriend as a consulting physician. I will not put either of you in that position."

Her shoulders straightened and jaw jutted out in defiance. "And exactly what position is that?"

"Do you honestly believe that you can be detached and objective about this case?" he challenged, "because I'm struggling with it and I am not in love with him."

"Yes I love him but I'm a doctor – a very good doctor and I can make a contribution if given the opportunity." She refused to beg or plead, she was laying out her case in the most unemotional, practical way she could.

He jammed his hands into his pockets and leaned against the hub. "You would be an asset to any team Robin – your reputation is well known and well respected. But this is not the case for you to work on and you know it. You also know that Patrick would not be in favour of it which is why you are asking me and not him."

"He thinks I need to be protected and I don't. I swear between you and Noah I'm beginning to wonder just how far you guys are willing to go for him." She was aware of the line she had crossed the moment the words were set free from her mouth and the cold look on Eric's face only confirmed that for her.

Turning his head to the side, he slowly blew the air from his cheeks and took one slow breath after another before turning his attention back to her. "Wow" was all he managed to say, not trusting himself to speak further.

"Eric…I…."

"Smitty?"

Both Robin and Eric froze at the sound of Patrick's voice. They looked at each other for several long seconds before looking over to him.

"Hey!" Eric greeted him, trying to suppress his nervous smile.

Walking towards them, Patrick slipped his arm around his girlfriend's waist and stole a quick kiss from her lips. "You weren't supposed to be coming down until next week.

What brings you by?"

"Uh…I…well, I thought…." He cursed silently at his inability to lie without stammering all over the place.

Seeing his friend struggle to answer, a chill trickled down Patrick's back and he felt his temper start to rise. "Did you call him?" he bit out, his eyes narrowing suspiciously as he looked at Robin.

She dropped her gaze only for a moment before raising it again. "Patrick, I…"

"Did you call him without telling me?" he asked through gritted teeth, the muscle in his cheek pulsing. His eyes widened as he spotted the file in her hand. "Is that MY CHART?"

"Patrick-"

"Pantsy-"

He furiously turned his attention back to his friend. "Who called you? Who told you to come here?"

"I did."

All three turned in surprise as Alexis joined them. Both Robin and Eric stared at her in shock. Patrick merely gave her an incredulous look.

"You? You called him?"

She nodded as she smiled brightly. "I did – I have a case that I wanted his medical advice on. I'm hoping to turn him into an expert witness – he'd have a jury eating out of the palm of his hand. Is that the file I asked you to pull?" she said to Robin reaching for the manila folder.

Stunned, all Robin could do was nod as she handed it over, mouthing the word 'thanks' as she did so. Alexis gave her a quick wink.

Like a pressure valve being released, Patrick exhaled and pressed his lips against the top of Robin's head. "I'm so sorry" he told them both quietly, "I didn't mean to snap."

Robin rubbed her hand along the small of his back and looked up at him, smiling lovingly. "Can I walk you to your appointment?"

"I'd like that" he said softly as he continued to beat himself up for losing grip on his temper. "Smitty, I-"

Eric waved him off. "Please Pantsy – you haven't made me cry yet" he teased.

Relieved to be forgiven, he grinned. "The day is still young. Hey! Why don't we all head out to Jake's for some dinner and pool later?"

"Are you sure you won't be too tired?" Robin asked him quietly.

"I'll have a nap when I get home. What do you say Eric? You in?"

"So long as I get to kick your ass in pool" he smirked.

"And you Alexis? You coming?"

Her entire neck turned red and it was her turn to stammer. "Well, I, uh – maybe you just want it to be the three of you?" she offered.

With his blue eyes shining, Eric smiled broadly. "Come on, I can buy you a drink – it's the least I can do to thank you….for bringing me in on such an interesting case"

Alexis flushed to the roots of her hair and giving a sideways smile, "Well, okay."

"Patrick, I'll be around for a while if you want to discuss anything after your appointment," Eric offered.

He slipped his hand inside Robin's, curling his long fingers around hers. His thumb moved rhythmically against her palm. "Sounds good – otherwise, we'll see you two at Jake's."

Robin gave them a little wave as she and Patrick headed off in the direction of nuclear medicine.

Eric continued to stare after them, long after they had disappeared from view. He had not been prepared for the changes in his friend. Intellectually, clinically he understood them but it was jarring nonetheless to see them in person. His hair was peppered with grey, his face was sallow and his normally bright brown eyes looked heavy and dull. He was thinner and he moved more slowly.

The conversation with Robin had also set him reeling. On some level she believed he wasn't doing enough for him, that he wasn't taking the risks he might otherwise take and he wondered if she might be right. Was he holding back, being more cautious because this was his friend? Had he suddenly become risk averse? And was he prepared to go in, no matter what the odds?

The weight of others' expectations was pressing down hard on his shoulders and he was seriously contemplating handing the file over to a colleague.

"Are you okay?" Alexis asked quietly, placing her hand on his arm as she passed him the file that Robin had given her.

Suddenly remembering she was there, Eric pulled his gaze from the hallway and looked back at her. "Your hair looks great" he told her with a smile, admiring her cropped look.

She shyly ran her fingers along the back of her neck. "It finally grew enough that I could ditch the wigs and for that I'm happy."

"It's a big milestone and you should be happy. And thanks for the save by the way – you rescued Robin and I from a possibly explosive situation."

She smiled. "I could hear Patrick around the corner and though I rarely think it's a good idea to lie to someone, I thought a little white lie couldn't hurt. You haven't answered my question," she pointed out.

"I'm sorry – what was that?"

"I asked you if you were okay. You seem….tense. It's Patrick, isn't it?"

He nodded as he chewed on his bottom lip. "Things….they just aren't as good as I had hoped they would be at this point, which means I have some tough decisions to make."

"I'm sorry"

He was inexplicably moved by her sincerity. "Thanks. But I still have the easy end of this deal – he's the one with the time bomb in his head and the ticking is getting louder."

Patrick took a deep breath as the nurse readied his mask. There were so many things he hated about his tumour but the mask ranked pretty near the top. It provided the guide the therapist needed to send the radiation to the right spot but it made him feel claustrophobic. His sessions were never longer than 30 minutes from beginning to end but inside the plastic mask, it felt much longer.

Hey lay down on the table and closed his eyes as the technician moved to set up the machine. Ignoring the scraping of machinery against the floor, he turned his thoughts to Robin. Just that morning, as he had been getting ready for his appointment, the apartment buzzer had rung. The FedEx delivery man handed over a small envelope containing just what he needed for the second item on his list: luxury box seats to the Rangers/Devils in three weeks' time.

He had booked a suite at the Palace hotel, made dinner reservations at Le Cirque and was working on getting five minutes with Martin Brodeur so he could sign Robin's hockey sweater. He was also going to take her to his favourite diner in the Village - the one that had seen him through med school with its bottomless cups of coffee and the best pecan pie he had ever had. He wanted to show her his city. He wasn't very good at sharing - he never had been. Feelings, experiences, all of it had always been kept to himself but being with Robin meant opening up and for the first time in memory, he found himself really wanting to share who he was, really show her the man he was. His city was as good a place as any to start. It was his home, where he had learned to ride a bike, play hockey and baseball; it was where he had practiced medicine for the first time. It was also where he discovered that not only was he good at medicine but he loved it - loved it almost more than anything else in his life.

It was not an assumption people often made about him - that he was passionate about his work - but he was. He could not conceive of doing anything else than being a doctor. What he lacked in bedside manner, he made up for in desire. He wanted to be on the winning side of every case and refused to give up.

It was a quality he had immediately recognized in Robin and something that had attracted him to her from the very beginning. She was like a dog with a bone when it came to Jason's case and then when a viral outbreak had hit the city, she had literally worked herself into the ground. Oh he knew she had been committed because they were her friends and family but it had been more than that - she wanted to beat the virus. He got her and in the process discovered that she got him.

The clicking of the radiation machine came to a stop and before he had a chance to open his eyes, he could feel the mask being gently removed from his face. He accepted the proferred towel and wiped his face. Swinging his legs off the table, he grinned - radiation and tumours be damned: they were going to have the time of their lives in New York City and he couldn't wait to surprise her.