Author's Note: G. G has got to be the worst letter in the alphabet. Gorgonzola. That was literally all I could think of. Thankfully, my friends came to the rescue, and you get this little gem. Damn, gem is a g word, isn't it? Oh well, here you go. Son of a. . . get and go; I hate the world right now. Anyway, this would have been up yesterday, but real life came in the form of a frisbee to the face and a car to buy.
Chapter Seven: G
Guitar (Acoustic Part Two)
Previously on The Illogical, Alphabetical Adventures of the Starship Enterprise:
"That was awesome, Bones; I didn't know you played guitar," Kirk said. Many other lieutenants and ensigns behind him nodded in agreement.
"I don't play often; I have to be in the right mood," Leonard shrugged.
"You should play more often. We have a recreation room for a reason," Jim said over his shoulder.
Bones walked into the rec room that the bridge crew occupied, holding his guitar in one hand and a PADD in the other.
"Hey, Bones," Jim said, patting the seat next to him. Bones sat down and leaned his acoustic against the side of his chair. Ignoring the rest of the crew, he began to scroll down the screen, occasionally tapping a name and signing something. Jim sat next to him in quiet anticipation, hoping that his friend would decide to pick up his guitar and play.
"Is there a problem, Jim?" Bones asked, not looking up from his PADD.
"Uh, you gonna play, Bones?" McCoy sighed and set the PADD down.
"What do you want to hear?" He asked, pulling the old thing into his lap. When he strummed it, everyone cringed at how out of tune it was.
"Nothing until you tune it." It took him about ten minutes to tune the thing from ear, and it didn't help that Spock kept insisting the E string was a half step too high and so were all the other strings. McCoy did his best to pretend that Spock wasn't there.
"Now, what?" Leonard said after a minute.
"How about something about you," Jim said, smirking in a very suggestive way.
"Fine. I found this lying around an anonymous personnel's sickbay bed and thought it was pretty damn funny." McCoy strummed an E minor.
Well, they call me Bones and I'm third in command
Second in line is a man I just can't stand
He's a green blooded, pointy-eared, seven year itch
And when he pon farrs
He'll make a Vulcan his bitch
Well, I may or may not have divorced my wife
But I damn sure pulled the plug on my daddy's life
And two months later, well, they found a cure
I'm just an old country doctor on a damned five year tour
The damned transporter
Yeah, it gives me the creeps
The first time I used it
I couldn't get it up for weeks
Now my tricorder's busted
And sick bay just stinks
I guess I'll just go replicate me a drink
Well, I may or may not have divorced my wife
But I damn sure pulled the plug on my daddy's life
And two months later, well, they found a cure
I'm just an old country doctor on a damned five year tour
Well, Jim is the captain of this here ship
We call her the Enterprise, and the crew's pretty hip
Yeah, the girls all wear go-go boots and miniskirts
And I spend my days patching all the red shirts
Well, I have been asked to do many a thing
Outside the area of my expertise
Damn it Jim, I know I've told you before
Damn it Jim, I know I've told you before
Damn it Jim, damn it Jim, I told you before
I'm just an old country doctor on a damned five year tour
Just an old country doctor on a damned five year tour
By the time he was finished, he had the whole rec room laughing so hard that most were crying or close to it. Everyone except Spock who was giving him the Vulcan version of the evil eye.
"Now, if I ever find out where Ensign Zemke is, I'm going to ring her neck." This made everyone laugh even harder, realizing that a medical officer had written a song about their boss. Ensign Mattick, who was best friends with Zemke, slowly slid towards the door of the rec room. Somebody had to warn her that the old country doctor was out for blood.
Lyrics belong to Warp 11 (I changed them a little bit so that they fit this better [Spock/McCoy is so not my thing]) and it's an awesome song. This band is totally devoted to Star Trek and every one of their eleven albums is made up of songs with titles like Jerk My Kirk, Suck My Spock, the Song for People Who Don't Watch Star Trek, and many more.