Author's Note: Oh my God, I'm graduating next week. Eeep! We had a dinner where all the kids in the grade below us read odes that they wrote for people; it was so sweet. And then our science teacher had to go and embarrass us by making this montage of photos from this year and last year.

Anyways (apologies for the mini rant), I kind of banged this one out quickly and I'm not too proud of it, but I haven't updated in a while and had to give you guys something. Also, there is a point where one of the characters says c**t, but, in the famous words of Inigo Montoya, it does not mean what you think it means. Oh and I also use the F word, but I figure ya'll don't really care. So, here is J.

Chapter Ten: J

Jefferies

"Uh, Scotty?"

"Aye, Captain?"

"I'm stuck," Jim said, shifting a little so his arm wasn't so squished against the wall of the tube.

"Whaddaye mean you're stuck?" Scotty's confused tone rang loudly in the tight space.

"I mean I'm stuck as in unable to get out of here."

"Where?" Jim gulped and thought of the hundreds of different ways his Chief Engineer might

react; hopefully he would laugh.

"I'm stuck in the friggin' Jefferies Tubes!" Jim's outburst was met by complete silence.

"Did he just say what I think he said?" Uhura's voice came from the communicator. Jim wondered why Scotty was working on the bridge, but figured he was just working at the engineering console up there.

"I believe he did," said Sulu sounding like he was trying to stifle a laugh.

"How did the Captain manage to get himself in such a predicament?" Jim rolled his eyes at the Vulcan's statement, knowing full well that Spock was doing the eyebrow-raise-head-tilt combination that translated to 'You are being a dumbass'(consider putting it in italics).

Kirk took a deep breath and tried to stay as calm as possible. "I will tell you how I managed to do this if and when you get me out of here."

Forty five minutes and a bunch of lube later, Jim was sitting in a chair in the mess with his head hung low and a bunch of incredulous faces staring back at him.

"How did you get so stuck?" Sulu said, his eyes wide and his eyebrows raised.

Uhura chuckled and shook her head, looking directly at Jim and saying, "It's Jim; he never does anything half way."

"Captain, I do not understand how you got yourself into such a situation," Spock added.

Jim shrugged and decided that instead of trying to brush it off and not explain anything, he had better tell them everything or he was never going to live it down.

"What do you mean you can fix a busted conduit faster than I can?" Jim said, eyeing his Russian whiz kid questioningly. Kirk knew the kid was a genius, but so was he; he'd built a motorcycle from just the chassis and the engine for it from spare parts.

"Da, I can. The conduit was inwented in Russia."

Kirk rolled his eyes, knowing full well that the conduit was not 'inwented' in Russia. "Sure Chekov. Why not settle this here and now?"

Chekov looked at his Captain curiously.

"There just so happens to be," Kirk began smugly, "Two broken conduits nearby."

Ten minutes later Chekov was beginning to get worried. He had finished his conduit seven minutes ago, and even though he felt he was better than the Captain at certain things, he figured Kirk would be done by then.

"Keptain?" He called, searching the ground level for Kirk.

"Chekov?" Pavel's name echoed off the walls and he had difficulty locating the origin of the sound.

Chekov yelled back, "Da, sir?"

"I'm stuck."

"Vot der'mo."

"Chekov," Uhura said in a shocked voice knowing full well what that Russian phrase meant.

"Captain, you were trying to outsmart the whiz kid; nobody can do that," Sulu said, lightly punching Chekov on the arm.

Jim just nodded. "I know, I know, but there's no such thing as a no-win scenario."

Suddenly, all the laughter tapered off and Jim was met with an angry looking Scotsman. The Chief Engineer's brow was furrowed and his mouth was set in an almost perfectly straight line. Jim watched in fear as Scotty's face turned the same color as his uniform.

"Cummin' the cunt?" Came the heavily accented outburst.

"What?" Jim asked, his mind turning the Chief Engineer's angry phrase into a sexual innuendo.

"Shut yer geggie, ya bamstick bassa! Ya messed with me lady and without me permission. Not only that, but you took plookie there with ya, who, by the way, is not an engineer!" Scotty's rant continued on and on, filled with Gaelic and plenty of cussing. When the Scotsman had calmed down a little, he pointed to Chekov and said, "A' least Chekov's got the decency to have a face like a well-skelped arse."

Chekov shrunk in on himself, flicking his eyes from one crewmember to another.

Jim looked apologetically at Scotty and rubbed the back of his neck, saying, "I'm sorry, Scotty; it won't happen again."

"Damn right, it won't." Scotty stalked away muttering something about know-it-all Captains.

"What," Bones began, "The actual fuck was he trying to say?"

"I don't know," Jim said, equally confused.

Okay, so I may not have liked this one but I did have fun with the swearing. I apologize to any Scottish or Russian people out there. My knowledge of the Russian language is da and nyet and my knowledge of Scottish terms is bollocks. Here are some translations:

Vot der'mo ( In Russian: О, черт) - Oh shit.

Cummin' the cunt? - Are you serious?

Shut yer geggie - Shut your mouth.

Bamstick - Idiot

Bassa - Bastard

Plookie - Pimple face

A face like a well-skelped arse - Blushing; a face like a well spanked bottom

Hope you had fun, sorry for the wait. Since my homework load has lightened up, I should be back to updating as often as possible.