A/N-Finally updating here. The next chapter is already about half written because it was originally part of this one (so hopefully I can get back to posting every Friday or Saturday). Thank you so much to all of you and thanks to the reviewers: jkarr, IHeartHouseCuddy, JLCH, KiwiClare, the Guests, Abby, OldSFfan, jaybe61, HuddyGirl, Alex, byte size, ikissedtheLaurie, grouchysnarky, linda12344, BabalooBlue, housebound, Boo's House, Suzieqlondon, bere, IwuvHouse, CaptainK8, freeasabird14, Ann, LoveMyHouse, oc7ober, dmarchl21, Mon Fogel, Jane Q. Doe, Ann, Tori and eternalhuddylove.
This chapter is a bit transitional, but hopefully it's entertaining too.
-The Maid of Horror-
When House and Cuddy walked into Arlene's to pick up Rachel, they assumed their positions just inside the door. If they both walked into a room after an absence, the little girl would run to both of them at the same time, diving to the space between the two adults while her arms looped around the their legs in half-hugs. They had learned long ago to stand so that his bad leg would not receive the brunt of the exuberant greeting.
As soon as they were through the door, she dove for their legs, happily chattering about what she'd done while they were gone and how much she'd missed them. They greeted the girl as Arlene said, "Rachel said she's going to school. Do you really think preschool is the right idea this early?"
Cuddy answered, "It's not really early. They'll sing ABC's and she'll get to play with other children her own age. She's surrounded by adults and probably has a better basic understanding of how an X-ray works than how to play the games that all of the other kids play. It's good for her to be with her peers."
Rachel ran through the room, swinging on House's free arm before announcing, "X-rays light up the bones," and continuing her journey through the space.
"You didn't attend any preschools. You spent all of your time with me until you started kindergarten," Arlene said.
"And yet…she still became a doctor and managed not to become a sociopath," House jabbed.
"Things have changed," Cuddy told her mother, "kids are expected to know a lot before they even start kindergarten."
Rachel darted through the room, went to a little toy piano and started to play for Arlene. The nursery rhyme was unmistakable. "You have her in music classes too?" the older woman asked. "Does she have any time to be a child?"
Cuddy pointed at House, "The second he sits down at the piano, she's there. He showed her a few things. Rachel loves it."
When Arlene didn't answer, Cuddy turned, noticing that her mother's eyes had found the new ring.
"With any luck, my little apprentice will be pounding out the classics in a year," House answered.
Rachel asked for a drink, so Cuddy led the girl by the hand to the kitchen. House stood awkwardly by the door. It was rare that he and Arlene were in a room alone, but it was always painfully uncomfortable.
"Nicely done," Arlene commented.
"Teaching a kid to repeat a few notes is hardly an amazing accomplishment," he answered while he stared at pictures hanging near him.
"Not that. The ring. Did Lisa pick it out?"
He turned, stunned not by the fact that she'd seen it, but because she seemed very relaxed about her discovery. Shaking his head, he replied to the wall, "I chose it."
"She didn't know?"
"No. She didn't know."
When Arlene broke the temporary silence, she said, "It suits her."
"Of course it does."
The woman walked up, stood in front of him and said, earnestly, "Mazel tov."
"What?"
"It means congratulations."
"I know what it means, I'm just surprised you're saying it to me."
"I think you're a very lucky man."
"You can skip the speech about how you'll have me killed by a vicious band of old ladies from the community center if I ever hurt your daughter."
"That's ridiculous. I wouldn't need their help to kill you," she joked wryly. "You're a much better choice than the last one. He seemed nice enough, but she would have died of boredom within the first year. You challenge her. She likes to be challenged. In a way, it makes sense that she'd go after the man who was probably least likely to settle down."
"I went after her," House answered, quietly.
Arlene nodded with respect at the admission, and then said, "I can't really imagine her with anyone else. Over the years, I've heard a lot of advice. Lots of experts say to never go to sleep angry, but in your case, that means neither of you will sleep. Sometimes a few hours of sleep can go a long way. You're both stubborn. If you both set your minds to it, you'll be fine."
"Ever since we started dating you've acted like I was a terrible choice."
"Oh I never thought you'd marry her. Lisa spent so much time telling me why she didn't want to be married that I just assumed she was trying to protect you."
House was in complete shock when she offered him the same stiff half-hug that she would usually give her daughter. They both saw Cuddy at the edge of the room with Rachel, staring widely.
Cuddy cleared her throat and finally asked, "Are you having a mafia-style hit put on House?"
"I think your mother just made a pass at me," he said. "Don't punish her for it, it's my fault. I just can't turn off the hotness."
"I'm congratulating him on the upcoming wedding," Arlene corrected, glowering at him.
"Oh," Cuddy answered, tentatively, "Thank you."
"When is it?"
"We didn't decide yet."
"Make sure to give him enough notice. It might take them a few weeks to make him look presentable," Arlene said to Cuddy before she turned to House, "You will shave and brush your hair before the wedding, won't you?"
He considered the question, "Before the wedding? You mean at some point between now and when we get married? I would say the likelihood of that is high. Yea, probably a few times. I try make sure I do that once a week. Or is it a once a month. I hate over-crowding my schedule."
"I'm sure you can handle doing those things for one day for my daughter's benefit."
"Stop," Cuddy quickly interrupted, "let's spend a few days being happy about the engagement before we start worrying about the details."
"Details?" Arlene started. "Grooming is details?"
Cuddy appeared to be ignoring the conversation for a moment before she added, "I like the way he looks. I'm not shaving my head so why should he shave his face. It would look that weird. I want to recognize the man when we exchange vows. "
House started to gloat and Arlene began to protest, but Rachel stepped in. "Can I get married too?"
"You can be part of the wedding," Cuddy answered.
"Can we have ponies for it?"
"No. Sorry, no ponies."
Rachel sulked, "What about balloons?"
"Sure. And probably flowers. You could be our flower girl."
"I thought she was going to be my best man," House said.
"Well, I was pretty sure you'd pick Wilson for that," Cuddy replied.
"Uncle Wilson can't be a flower girl," Rachel stated, as if House needed an explanation.
House picked her up, and chuckled, "Of course not, that would be ridiculous. He probably wants to be your mom's maid of honor." He looked around, disappointed that Wilson wasn't there to hear the conversation.
On alternating Saturday afternoons, House and Rachel would go to lunch with Wilson if there wasn't a patient in distress. Cuddy usually spent a couple of hours at a fitness center nearby. They entered House's old apartment that Wilson had since occupied. Wilson greeted them with an apron on. House commented, "This place could use a man's touch. Maybe you could get a roommate."
"Jokes about my masculinity…how refreshing," Wilson countered, "but wait until you taste the dessert I made."
"I wasn't referring to the baking, I was referring to the curtains and coordinated area rug."
Rachel pulled on Wilson's hand, "Do you wanna be the maid a' horror?"
House beamed with pride, "The words of an innocent."
"What did House put you up to?" Wilson asked as he picked up the child.
"If I'm gonna be the flower girl, you can be the maid a' horror," she explained simply.
"Flower girl? Maid of…do you mean maid of honor?"
"No," House interjected loudly, "when it comes to you, she definitely means maid of horror."
She announced, giddily, "Mom and House are getting married."
Wilson looked at House and back at Rachel, shaking his head while a smile emerged, "Is she serious?"
"I figured why get the milk for free when I can buy the cow."
"Can we get a pony if we get a cow?" Rachel asked excitedly.
"What's with the sudden obsession with ponies?" House asked.
Wilson hurriedly put Rachel down and went to the closet. He returned, bringing her over to the sofa and handing her a bag. She peered inside and Wilson exclaimed, "Those are your favorites, right? The one with the rainbow cutie mark and the one that looks like a unicorn?"
"Rainbow Dash and Rarity!" Rachel answered, hugging Wilson before she ran to the coffee table to play with her new toys, calling, "Thanks!"
"I think I'm in shock," Wilson said as he followed House into the kitchen.
"Me too. How could I ever question to the masculinity of a guy who says things like 'rainbow cutie mark'?"
"What? It's a cartoon! When I kept her last week, we watched My Little Pony. It's what they call the little marks on their flanks. Cutie marks. I didn't invent it. And you're just trying to change the subject. You and Cuddy are getting married? She asked you or you asked her?"
"She asked me. I said no. Then I asked her."
"And she actually said yes after you said no?"
"She did."
"So why say no?"
"She didn't have a ring. I did."
"I had no idea you were such a devoted traditionalist."
"It's not about tradition, it's about evidence of intentions and follow-through. What's the point in running a differential diagnosis day-in-day-out unless you plan to choose the best idea and actually try to treat the patient?"
"You should write a relationship advice column. 'Diagnostic Love' sounds like the perfect name."
"Wilson, do you have…a rainbow cutie mark?"
"Whenever I spend time with you," Wilson answered, "it's easy to see why you so often have bruise-colored cutie marks on your face."
They ate lunch at Wilson's while My Little Pony played on the TV for Rachel. House checked his phone, reading a text and saying, "Cuddy's stopping over for some soup recipe for her friend."
When Cuddy knocked on the door, House remained on the sofa, leafing through a catalogue until he heard Cuddy say, "James Wilson, this is my friend Deb Traynor. I hope you don't mind, we were in the same class today, and she reminded me about the recipe..."
"No, please, come in," Wilson answered, politely shaking Deb's hand.
House scrunched his eyes closed and shook his head when Deb started to talk about how much her niece and nephew loved the same cartoons that were playing on the TV.
Deb and Wilson's introduction went very well, and Cuddy seemed beyond satisfied with herself when she and House were home later that evening. "Deb and Wilson hit it off," Cuddy said when she came into their room.
"What a lucky coincidence," House replied.
"It was a good time to stop by."
"Nice touch with the drop by. It wasn't a blind date, just a couple of women having a nice little post-yogic chat and stopping by for a soup recipe. I saw right through your fix up. You think that because she was dressed in workout clothes instead of a tight skirt that I'm supposed to think it wasn't a fix up?"
"No. It doesn't matter what you thought it was as long as Wilson didn't think it was a fix up. It takes the pressure off. And if they didn't like each other, we could have turned around and walked out ten minutes later, and no one would have been the wiser."
"I would have been the wiser."
"But he likes her. Doesn't he?"
"What's not to like? She's hot, single and her nipples were pointed directly at his face."
"Were you checking her out?"
"Well yea. Not because I wanted to, I'm required to."
"I can't wait to hear this sexist, antiquated explanation."
"It's neither sexist nor antiquated. Wilson is my best friend. It's my job to make sure that the women he's considering are worthy of his attention. I think he suffers from low-T and forgets he's a guy. I'm like testosterone replacement therapy, except I'm not a cream, I'm a friend."
"Well, there is more to her than her nipples," Cuddy answered testily.
"I'm not denying that. Wilson can evaluate those parts, learn her likes and dislikes and share meaningful conversation. I'm the inspector. Physically, she passed. What Wilson decides to do now that she passed inspection is up to him. Unless she turns out to be another Sam, in which case you and I will orchestrate her departure. Are you jealous that I looked at the woman you brought there to be inspected?"
"I'm not jealous and I didn't bring her there to be inspected!"
Cuddy was getting irritated, but it sort of amused House. "If it makes you feel better, I didn't enjoy it. It was purely obligatory. But as far as I'm concerned…he owes you. Quite a step up from Sam."
"I was part of the reason that he and Sam broke up. I owe him."
"No you don't. There was no reason to get involved. He's doing fine. Wilson doesn't have trouble meeting women."
"Maybe I just wanted to help."
"If he doesn't need help, why help him?"
At that point, Cuddy was really getting frustrated, "Doesn't he deserve to be happy too? You and I are celebrating our engagement and I don't want to flaunt our relationship in his face when he's alone. It feels unfair to be this happy in front of him."
"You're happy?" he scoffed.
"Yes, I'm happy. I'm really fucking happy," Cuddy yelled, but quietly since Rachel was asleep. She looked quite angry until she saw the uncertain smirk on his face.
"I'm really fucking happy too," he said with mock anger.
She started to chuckle hesitantly, and said with less ire, "I am happier overall. Maybe not a few seconds ago. I like… us. I like this. I don't want Wilson to be alone. He deserves to have something like this."
"I like it too, but I have a feeling that our relationship probably wouldn't work for everyone. Don't worry, it's not us…everyone else is weird."
"I want him to have a relationship that would work for him."
"And you have no reason to be jealous. That girl is plenty hot enough for Wilson, but my standards are much, much higher," House said with admiration.
"I'm not worried. Besides, the men's gymnastics team uses the fitness center on Saturdays, so we're probably even."
"You checked out the entire team and somehow we're even?"
"I had a look or two, but my standards are much, much higher. So here I am," she answered as she climbed on top of him.
"Well, wait and see how hot they look after I Crisco their pommel horse."
Cuddy playfully nipped his lip, "Seriously though…I think Wilson likes her. What do you think?"
"I don't know, probably. With any lucky, in a year or two, they'll have the storybook romance we have…arguing about how fucking happy they are and trying to choose a maid of horror."