Chapter 63

Be the one I need

Be the one I trust the most

With her head resting on his shoulder, Robin continued to sneak looks at him. A hint of stubble was beginning to appear against his cheeks, flecks of grey peeked out from his dark brown hair and fine lines framed his eyes; he was still the most beautiful man she had ever seen.

"If you keep looking at me" he said slowly, not taking his eyes from the television, "you're going to miss your precious Mister Darcy and his smouldering looks as whatsherface plays the piano."

"I'm just making sure you're still awake" she teased. "And her name is Elizabeth - Elizabeth Bennett and he is the hottest man going."

It was three days since Robin had come home with the flu and true to his word, Patrick was taking excellent care of her. Much to her frustration, she found out how serious he was about her being on bed rest, having ordered her back to bed on more than one occasion. He had cooked, done the laundry and rented almost every available video in the store. They had been bunked in bed watching movies, napping and talking and apart from the flu, Robin couldn't help but think it was the best time they had shared.

"See, I don't see what she or any of you see in Mister Darcy. He's arrogant, pushy, bossy and smug."

Pulling back, Robin eyed him carefully. "Did you want to think about that a little longer?"

"Shut up" he told her kindly, stealing a kiss.

"I have to say" she began, snuggling in closer to him, "I'm impressed that you agreed to watch all eight hours of Pride and Prejudice."

"It's not the first time I've seen it" he muttered.

Her eyes widened in shock. "Whaaat? Did you do this before to try and seduce some poor English major at school?"

"Hardly," he sniffed. "I was FORCED to watch it."

A small smile played across Robin's lips. "With your mom?"

He nodded. "Oh yes. It was payback."

Reaching for the remote, she hit the pause button and turned her attention to him. It was still difficult to get him to open up about his childhood but every once in a while some story would slip out and she would discover another little piece of him. When those opportunities presented themselves she wanted to ensure she took full advantage of them.

"Payback for what? Had you been a bad boy?" she joked.

His fingers curled through through her silky hair and trailed down the back of her neck. "Not me - my dad. We used to do this thing on Sunday mornings - we would watch a movie together. My dad worked a lot and as the senior surgeon on staff his schedule was wildly unpredictable - people were always calling him in for consults because back then he was still the great Noah Drake - miracle worker and giver of hope to the hopeless."

She flinched inwardly at the tinge of bitterness framing his description of his father. There was little doubt in her mind that he loved his father - he had risked his career and his life to keep him alive and every once in a while, when he was working, she would catch him looking at him, echoes of hero worship still evident in his eyes. She had her own parental struggles but their impact had always been made easier by the knowledge that whatever choices her parents made they made because they loved her and wanted her safe. She knew that Patrick hadn't had that same assurance and trusting his father now was, at times, an overwhelming process.

"So you had movie day?" she prodded, trying to get him back on track.

"Yeah. He insisted on having Sundays off so we had this kind of tradition where each week one of us got to pick a movie and we would watch it on Sunday mornings. My dad would make waffles and my mom would set up bowls with M&Ms and Reese's Pieces. I'd usually take them and drop them over my waffles, letting the chocolate melt and making them gooey. And we'd watch a movie - some times two." He shook his head. "It's funny, I...even as a teenager I still did the Sunday movie thing - I never thought of missing it."

Robin snaked her arm around his waist and pressed a kiss to his shoulder. "So why was your mom paying back your dad with Pride and Prejudice."

He smirked as the memory came flooding back. "The week before had been my dad's week to pick the movie and he subjected us to Das Boot - all four hours in German with English subtitles. It was awful and so my mother got Pride and Prejudice the next week and we watched all of it one sitting while she cooed and moaned over Mister Darcy. My dad was irritated and amsued all at once."

"Sounds like it was a lot of fun in your house" she remarked.

"It was" he admitted unguardedly. "Robin, I had an amazing childhood. My parents were crazy in love with each other and they loved me and the biggest drama until my mom got sick was who was going to take me to baseball practice or to the track. You know, if my mom hadn't...if my dad hadn't fallen to pieces I think I'd have been different."

She gently stroked his arm. "How?"

He shrugged lightly. "I don't know. I probably would have had at least one other long term relationship before you. I might have even let myself fall in love."

Smiling shyly, she looked up at him. "You let yourself fall in love with me?"

"Hell no" he answered with a grin. "I had no choice but to love you."

Scrunching up her face, she gave him a curious look. "I think that's a good thing?"

With a smile, he dipped his head towards hers and kissed her softly. "It is - trust me."

"Do you...you want kids?" she asked quickly, the words tumbling from her mouth before she could stop them.

His eyebrow arched up questioningly. "With you or in general?" he asked her cautiously.

"In general" she amended quickly.

Blowing out his cheeks, he was silent for several minutes as he considered his answer. At different times in his life, the answer would have rolled off his tongue with ease. When he was younger, he absolutely pictured himself married with children but as his family fell apart, that picture faded and was replaced with one of him, alone - the ultimate bachelor with few committments or ties. But now as he found himself in love and dealing with a potentially life threatening illness, the answer was neither easy nor clear.

"There are days" he began, unsteadily, "that I think I would like that but with this thing in my head, I can't go there right now. And I would want to be a good dad, Robin - I would want to be sure somehow that I wouldn't..." he groped for the word, for the adjective which best described him, "...damage...that I wouldn't damage a child of mine the way I am."

Robin held his gaze for several beats; his self assessment had rendered her breathless. Reaching up, she swept her hand across his cheek, her thumb running underneath his eye. "Patrick, you aren't damaged," she told him confidently. "You may be battered and bruised but you aren't damaged."

Saying nothing he simply nipped at her lips, revelling in their softness against his own. Slowly letting go of the kiss, he smiled. "How about you? Do you want kids?"

Her brown eyes grew wide in surprise. "Uh...with you or in general?" she stammered, not expecting his question.

"In general" he said with a small smile.

"Well...I guess...I know it's a possiblity for me now and 10 years ago it really wasn't. I think...I think I'd like to be a mom but I just don't know if I should."

He was stunned by her answer. He had expected an unequivocal yes, not the cautious, measured answer he received. In his mind there was little doubt that Robin should be a mother. She was everything that a child could want in a parent - smart, loving, courageous, accomplished - and he knew as surely as he knew anything that she would be brilliant as a mother.

"What do you mean 'if you should'? Robin you know that for someone with a viral as low as yours, the possiblity of transmission is almost non-existant."

"Non-existant doesn't mean impossible" she corrected gently. "I could always adopt but is it fair to bring a child to my life when I know that I may not...I may not be around for a long time."

The mere mention of her mortality squeezed his heart. Taking a silent breath, he steadied himself before speaking. "None of us are promised a tomorrow Robin - you and I both know that better than most. I think you'd be an amazing mom and if that is something you want then you shouldn't dismiss it."

Tears welled in her eyes as she threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly. "That might be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me" she said against his neck.

"I mean it" he whispered as he kissed her cheek. "Besides," he said more loudly, "I'm just trying to be as hot as Mister Darcy" he joked.

Robin laughed, her head buried in his shoulder.

Gently letting go of her, he grinned. "I'm going to get us some more popcorn and possibly a towel."

"A towel?" she asked as she swiped at the tears that had only threatened to spill.

"Yeah a towel. Aren't we getting close to the part where Darcy goes swimming in his pond? Someone is going to have to wipe up your puddle of drool." He laughed and dashed out of the room as Robin sent a pillow sailing at his head.

He came back to the bedroom carrying a large bowl of popcorn and two glasses. Robin retreived the bowl from him and set it down on the bed. She watched as he placed her glass on the nightstand. Looking at his hand, she saw little evidence of the persistent tremor and felt her heart expand with hope. Taking hold of his hand, she brought it to her lips and kissed it.

"I'll tell you a secret and if you tell any of the girls, I'll deny it AND I'll tell them I caught you watching Bananas in Pajamas."

Rolling his eyes, he fixed her with a teasing look. "What's your big secret then?"

"You are way hotter than Mister Darcy."