Chapter 69

I can't sleep - haunted by their faces,
The sadness in their eyes
It hurts so much to see them helpless

The seizure, his most violent yet, had sapped him of all his energy. It had been all he could manage to get to the car with his father's assistance. Robin had been eerily silent as they walked to the car. Once everyone was settled inside, she had taken his hand in hers and bringing it to her lips, kissed it. He had wanted to look at her, wanted to apologize for ruining their night but his mouth could form no words. It took both Mac and Noah to help him inside the apartment; his legs were like jelly and his arms felt as though they were weighed down with lead. Robin moved to follow them into the bedroom but Patrick had shaken his head, saying in a weak, quiet voice that he just wanted his father to help him.

Sitting on the bed, Patrick said nothing as his father crouched down and removed his shoes and socks. Rising to his feet, he slipped his arms under his son's and pulled him to a standing position to help him out of his pants. For Patrick, as he leaned against his father, unable to do anything as simple as remove his clothing it was a portent of things to come.

As his father gently sat him back down and carefully removed first one arm, then the other from his shirt, he dropped his head and bit down hard on his lip. His nightmare was coming true - he was unable to care for himself which meant he would be unable to care for anyone else. Noah lifted his arms and pulled them through the sleeves of his t-shirt.

He watched as his father tugged the soft cotton shirt down and then swept his legs into the bed and pulled the blankets around him. The lines around his eyes which once seemed to frame his face now appeared deeply graven. In that moment he understood the effect he was having on his him. He gave a small smile as Noah brushed his hair from his face, as he often used to do when he was a little boy.

"I'm just going to check your BP, Patty," he told him, reaching for his bag. Having retreived the cuff, he slipped it around his bicep and pumped the squeeze ball.

As his head continued to throb with the aftershocks of the seizure, he closed his eyes and tried to will the pain away. The weight of all of it - the tumour, the seizures, the treatment and the potential risks - was crushing him.

"BP is good Patrick," Noah said gently. "You just need to sleep it off at this point."

"I know" he croaked as he opened his eyes. "Is Robin okay?"

He nodded. "Mac's with her - I'm sure she'll be in to check on you in a couple of minutes."

"I ruined her night."

"I'm pretty sure she doesn't see it that way," he reassured him.

He exhaled slowly, his eyes growing heavy with fatigue. "I wish I was more like Mom" he said wistfully. "I'm not...not graceful like her."

The words went straight to Noah's heart as he finally understood what Robin had been trying to get him to see all those weeks ago. What had been the right decision a decade ago, was now doing more harm than good. He needed to tell his son the truth - not tonight - but tomorrow. Before his son embarked on the next phase of his treatment, before he headed to surgery he needed to know that he was doing as well as anyone could.

"Get some sleep son" His voice hitched. "We'll talk in the morning." Rising from the bed, he leaned forward and kissed his son's forehead. "I love you Patty."

"Love you too Dad" he whispered before finally drifting off to an exhausted slumber.

Mac tugged the afghan from the arm of the couch and wrapped it around his niece's shoulders before sitting down beside her. Clutching the ends of the blanket, Robin leaned her head against his shoulder and let out a long, tired sigh. Mac kissed the top of his head as he draped his arm around her.

"That was scary" he said quietly.

She nodded. "They're so painful for him. They bleed him of all his energy and strength - he'll sleep for the next 12 hours because he's spent."

Mac gently corrected her. "I meant for you."

Raising her eyes, she gave him a small, watery smile. "One track mind."

"Yes" he told her unapologetically. "It can't be easy to watch that happen - to know that can happen at any time."

"I hate it - hate it" she whispered tearfully before burying her head in his shoulder.

Closing both arms around her, Mac hugged her tightly. There was something upsettingly familiar about all of this and while he knew it was irrational to be angry with someone who was sick - he knew it wasn't Patrick's fault - he truly resented that Robin was going through this again. She had been through enough for a lifetime.

Robin let herself melt into her uncle's embrace and all the warmth and security it provided. Seeing Patrick in the grips of a seizure shook her to her core. It was violent, frightening and completely outside of anyone's control. It also drove home the reality she had been trying to avoid - Patrick was in deep, deep trouble and was unlikely to come out the other side unchanged.

And that made her angry - furious even.

All of her instincts screamed at her to run away when Patrick started to pursue her. Her head loudly reminded her of all the pain and heartache she had suffered over the years and that following her heart only led to disappointment. She had tried to drown out all the negativity and give into the moment - like she used to do before her world was turned on its axis - but every time he got close, she would back away. The rational part of her had hoped that if she backed away enough, he would simply lose interest and move on. That way it wouldn't be her decision, it wouldn't be her deciding not to take a risk rather it would prove he wasn't interested in her enough to make the effort.

Her theory was blown to bits as he didn't give up. She was drawn to him and every once in a while, when her head wasn't paying attention, her heart would whisper its encouragment. It would tell her to take a chance, that 10 years was long enough to have punished herself for being true to who she was. And little step by little step she moved closer to him rather than further away.

By the time her head realized what was going on, it was too late; she was all in. She had laid her cards on the table and now it felt like the universe was calling her bluff.

She loved him. Completely. This wasn't the first blush of love as it was with Stone, nor was it the healing love that she had with Jason. This was a grown up, adult love. This was a love that was as concerned with the future as the present. She loved him without restraint and now they were teetering on the precipice and it could all crash down at any minute. She wasn't sure her heart would recover a third time.

Her head snapped up as Noah entered the room and lowered himself, tiredly, onto the chair. His tie was scrunched up and dangled from his coat pocket.

"How is he?" she asked softly.

"Sleeping" Noah answered, his own eyes heavy with fatigue and worry.

"It's getting worse" Robin stated.

Noah nodded his agreement. "He needs the surgery - in the next couple of weeks."

"What happens if he doesn't?" Mac asked curiously.

Noah and Robin exchanged a knowing look. Neither wanted to be the one to speak the words, as if somehow doing so would make it more real or give it a power it didn't already have. Inhaling sharply, Noah finally broke the silence.

"His seizures will worsen and become more frequent - probably daily. He is already losing sensation in his left hand and that will continue as the tumour grows and places pressure on the nerves. It will become harder and harder for him to care for himself."

"But the surgery is also dangerous?" he asked.

Robin nodded. "The tumour is in a sensitive spot in his brain and it will be difficult to remove it without damaging something in the process."

"What kind of damage are we talking about?" Mac could feel the nervous energy coming off both of them in waves.

"He could lose his speech, his mobility, his memory..." Robin began.

"Or his life" Noah added hoarsely.

Mac nodded his understanding.

"His appointment with Eric didn't go well, did it?" Robin asked. The look on her face dared Noah to tell her otherwise.

He shook his head. "No." He sucked in a breath before speaking again. His son's trust was hard won and he was uneasy about telling stories that weren't his to tell but Robin needed the truth. Noah also knew that the clock was ticking on his son's life and he was done trying to protect people, including himself, from ugly realities. "He got a Botox injection a few weeks ago."

"NO!" Robin gasped, her hands flying to her mouth.

"What does that mean?" Mac asked, not happy with the tears pooling in his niece's eyes.

"Botox has shown some success in quelling tremors" Noah explained, "it's often used in treating Parkinson's."

"And it's a bad thing here?"

Robin nodded. "Tremors are a way knowing if the tumour is getting bigger or smaller, if he's hiding the symptoms then we don't know and his treatment can't be adjusted accordingly." She shook her head as she felt the anger suddenly swell up inside her. "I can't believe he did that - is he out of his mind? How could he lie to me? To you? To any of us? What the hell was he thinking??"

Mac gently stroked her hair, trying to rid her of some of her agitation. "It sounds to me like he was trying to protect the people he loves."

She looked at her uncle in surprise.

He smiled at her. "Kind of like you wanted to do with Stone" he told her softly.

"But I told Stone!" she protested.

"He is going to tell you" Noah interjected. "He...he just wanted to give you tonight"

A small gasp escaped from the back of his throat as she covered her face with her hands. "He's been doing that a lot" she croaked, "trying to make moments for him - for us - like he's going...like he's going to die or something."

Noah and Mac stared at each other for several beats, saying nothing. Their children were in a world of pain and though they would both willingly change places with them and take it on, they knew that was simply not possible.

"Robin, he's hyper aware of his situation. And he's worried for the impact on you."

"And what about the impact on you, Noah?"

"My heart is breaking Robin" he admitted quietly. "But I have faith that he is going to come through this. It's going to be hard and maybe even ugly but he's going to survive because the alternative...it's not possible for me."

"But I think he's given up." Large salty tears trickled down Robin's face. "I don't know if I can do this" she cried quietly. "I don't know that I can watch him lose himself."

Patrick, in need of a drink of water, had walked down the hall to the kitchen pausing only when he heard the voices. As he leaned against the wall and listened to both his father and his girlfriend voice their fears and worries, he started to shake. All his efforts to take care of them, to protect them were for naught.

Turning slowly, he headed back to the bedroom, his need for water long forgotten.

In a moment of clarity he knew exactly what he had to do.