Chapter 72

This grief overwhelms me
It burns in my stomach
And I can't stop bumping into things

"FUCK!" Robin yelled as the mug slipped from her hands and crashed to the floor. Shards of ceramic spun across the kitchen floor as hot tea splashed onto her shoes. Staring down at the broken mug, she pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes to stem the tears that seemed to be every present. She would not cry. Not again.

It had been two days since Patrick had walked out the door and she was still in a state of shock. She had no idea how long she had stayed on the floor, with Alexis soothing her. She had a vague recollection of shuffling back to the bedroom and curling up on the bed. She had eventually fallen asleep and when she first woke, for a brief moment, she had completely forgotten the events of earlier in the day. It wasn't until she reached for him that she remembered he was gone; that unleased a torrent of tears that soaked her pillow. Her eyes had been swollen and red rimmed ever since.

It was and remained so completely unbelievable. Her calls to his cell phone went straight to voice mail, text messages and emails were left unanswered; it was though he had been simply erased from her life. But she didn't believe that, not while she could still feel him in the apartment - the sheets on the bed still smelled like him. In his haste to get out, he had forgotten to take the pile of his clothes that were in the laundry basket. She had retreived one of his well worn sweatshirts from the basket and had not taken it off since he left. She was cold without him, the bed felt bigger, the apartment, emptier. It wasn't so much that her heart was broken as it was shattered.

No one, outside of Alexis, knew that he had left. She refused to tell anyone, believing that he would come back through that door at any minute. She had dialed her uncle Mac's number several times but never completed the call. On some level she believed if she said it out loud, if she started telling people then it would be real and it wasn't real. It couldn't be.

Time escaped her notice completely. She would find herself staring off into space for hours until some kind of noise pulled her from her trance. Every conversation had been replayed over and over again. She was searching for something, anything she could have said that would have changed his mind. Patrick was a rational person, he understood logic and linear thinking and she was beginning to believe if she had just made the case for him to stay then he would have. She was well aware of how difficult it had been for him to fall in love, to unshackle his heart enough to let her in but he did and as with everything with him, once he was in he was all in.

Had she come across as weak? Was that why he didn't trust her to help him through it? Was it her struggle with the anniversary of Stone's death or her speech at the Nurses' Ball? Had she done something to convince him that she was incapable of coping with his illness?

Perhaps she had been too open with him, had shared too much. It was her pattern, when she fell in love, that she wanted to share everything. She didn't have secrets - they took time to keep and she wasn't blessed with an abundance of time. So she shared, without reticence, who she was but maybe that was a mistake. Maybe she revealed more of herself than anyone wanted to know and that's why they left her.

Having swept up the broken pieces and tossed them in the garbage, she reached for a rag and mopped up the tea that had pooled on the floor. She had just finished rinsing out the rag when she heard a knock at the door. Her heart started to hammer loudly against her ribs and her throat closed over. Dragging her hand through her hair, she tried to smooth her messy ponytail as she sprinted to the door.

"Patrick!" she exclaimed breathlessly.

"I'm the wrong Drake, I'm sorry" Noah apologized as he watched her face fall in disappointment.

"Noah" Her heart dropped to her stomach. It was now possible that he wasn't coming back and that made her knees tremble.

"I apologize for not calling first but I wanted to check on you."

Stepping aside, she let him through the door. His face was a palette of blue and green bruises, his bottom lip still swollen and cracked. For a moment she thought he looked as she felt.

Noah watched as she closed the door. She was a woman who with her intelligence and personality could take up a lot space in a room; she always seemed bigger than she was but now Robin seemed so small and it pained him.

"Are you okay?" he asked gently.

Chewing on her bottom lip, she shook her head. Her brown eyes were filled past the brim with tears. "No" she whispered.

Giving her a sad smile, Noah opened his arms to her and waited. Crossing the floor, Robin let herself be enveloped in his embrace as his arms closed around her. He hugged her tightly.

"I'm so sorry Robin" he told her softly as her hot tears hit his sweater. He had grown quite fond of the young doctor in the year that he had known her. She was strong and capable, an excellent doctor and an incredibly compassionate person. She had stood by his son when he needed it, challenged and pushed him and made it possible for him to fall in love. He could not have hand picked a better match for his son.

Sniffling softly, she pulled away from his embrace and wiped her tears. "Have you heard from him?" she asked hopefully.

"No. I've called but I get voice mail. I suspect he's ashamed and scared. When he was a little boy and stuff would happen, he would hide. Mattie and I would search the house, the garden, the shed - we'd find him eventually but usually not until he was ready for us to find him."

"Do you know where he is?"

"I assume he's with Eric in the City."

Her eyes filled yet again with tears. "He should be here with me."

"I know," he agreed. "He'll come back Robin-"

"I don't think so. I'm trying to fool myself into thinking that he will but I don't think he will. He really thinks he's going to die or be incapcitated and doesn't want me around."

"Robin, he loves you."

Walking towards the couch, she shook her head. "I'm not sure" she answered flatly.

"Robin-" he began.

"I mean it Noah. If you look at my life, it is filled with people who supposedly love me but always leave. I am always the one left behind - I don't think that's love or not a good kind of love anyways." She sank to the couch and pulled her legs underneath her.

Noah sat on the arm of the chair and looked at her. Much like when Mattie was sick, the pain of Patrick's illness extended far beyond himself. He wanted to shake his son, tell him that it was impossible to deal with what was coming on his own. That the only way to cope, for even a minute, was with love. He wanted to scream that grace didn't come from inside but was arrived by drawing on the strength of others.

"Are you taking care of youself?" he asked carefully, knowing all too well the slippery slope that grief provided.

"I'm taking my meds if that's what you're asking" she snapped. She immediately regretted her harsh tone.

Noah was unfazed by it and smiled kindly at her. "That wasn't what I was asking" he clarified. "Are you eating?"

She shrugged. "When I'm hungry."

"Can I do anything for you?"

She shook her head. "I'm just trying to keep it together - not very successfully mind you."

"Robin, he was wrong to leave and he is going to realize that - very soon."

Exhausted and raw, she rose to her feet and walked to the door, opening it. "Maybe, maybe not" she answered quietly. "I'm just tired of not being enough for people to want to stay."

Noah took her cue and joined her at the door. He winced at her words. She and his son were not that different in their feelings and general mistrust of other's intentions. He wished there was a way for him to make it all better, to undo what was done. Seeing the defeat in his eyes, he resolved to give his son a week to get over himself and if he hadn't seen sense by then, he would go to New York and help him see the light.

"Be good to yourself Robin" he told her as he kissed her cheek.

She nodded and closed the door behind him. Leaning up against it, she slid to the ground, cradled her head in her hands and wept.