Chapter 75

I believe there's an answer waiting when the day is done

Twisting the napkin nervously around her fingers, Robin kept her eyes trained on the door. The urge to bolt was growing stronger and it was taking all of her willpower not to give into it. She needed someone objective to speak to - someone not wrapped up in her life - someone to whom she could say things that she was too afraid to admit out loud and there was only one person, besides Patrick, who fit the bill.

It had been nine days since Patrick left. She knew if she tried hard enough she could probably figure out how many hours, minutes and seconds. It was as though the world seemed to stop moving when he walked out the door. Her heartbreak was rooted in much more than the end of a romantic relationship - in a small corner of her mind she didn't even believe the relationship was over - it had to do with Patrick laying down to die. She was devastated that when push came to shove, he couldn't - or wouldn't - fight. She wanted to shake him, to yell at him but mostly she just wanted to hold him close and let him know that he wasn't alone.

She knew Noah had gone to see him and he had offered to tell her about it but she had politely declined. She didn't want to hear the details for she knew everything she needed to know by his absence. If he had been able to get through to him, if Patrick were feeling better or stronger he would be home. With her.

The jangle of the bells on the door to Kelly's caught her attention and looking up, she gave a small wave.

"I wasn't sure you'd come" she told him as he slid into the seat across from her.

Pulling off his gloves and setting them on the table, Darren smiled. "I was surprised to get your call," he admitted. "How are you?"

She shrugged, dropping her napkin in her lap. Her fingers curled around the claddagh pendant around her neck. "I've been better."

Darren cast a critical look over her and was not happy with what he saw. She was thin - too thin and her face looked strained and tired. That he was not surprised at the toll her boyfriend's illness was taking on her was of little comfort. The HIV community in Port Charles was a small knit one and as someone who had lived with the disease for so long and had seen people come and go, sometimes at an alarming rate, he needed people to stay healthy. If others stayed healthy for long periods then there was always hope that he would as well. And after all that's all any of them were looking for - hope.

"How is Patrick?"

She traced her finger around the rim of her mug as she stared into it. "He's gone"

Darren's eyes widened in shock. "You mean he's..."

Sensing his meaning, she shook her head quickly. "No. He...he's moved back to New York because his condition got worse and he thinks he's protecting me"

He furrowed his brow slightly. "Oh." He smiled gratefully at the waitress who set down a steaming mug of coffee in front of him. Reaching for the milk, he filled the mug to the brim until the coffee was a milky brown. "How are you coping?"

"Not very well."

The strangled tone in her voice caught his attention and his head snapped up. Her brown eyes welled with tears as she sucked in a breath trying to stay in control. "Robin?"

"You have to promise not to freak out" she stammered. "I...I just need to tell somebody and everyone I know will freak."

"I promise I won't" he said slowly, a knot forming in his stomach.

"I've...I've missed doses." She swiped at the small stream of tears that ran down her cheeks.

Leaning back in his chair, coffee in hand, Darren blew out his cheeks. "How many?"

"Four - one about a month ago and three in the last week." She bit down on her lip as she waited for her heart to stop threatening to hammer its way from her chest. "I don't know what's wrong with me. In 11 years I have never missed a dose and in the last eight weeks I have missed four."

Setting his mug down on the table, he leaned forward and gave her a sympathetic look. "Well for starters, you need to give yourself a break. Everyone misses a dose every once in a while."

"I don't" she snapped. "I am a doctor and I don't forget to take my meds."

"Robin" he said gently. "You may be a doctor but you are also human and you have been stressed and worried and sad about your boyfriend for a while. Did you take your doses as soon as you remembered?" She nodded. "That's good. Have you had your viral load tested?"

"No."

"Why not?"

The tears continued to trickle from her eyes and she pressed a napkin to her eyes trying to stem the flow. "I'm afraid" she admitted softly.

"Of what?" he prodded.

"Of more bad news." Her voice was hoarse and trembling. "Which is dumb because who better than I knows that there is simply no avoiding bad news."

"It's not dumb. I can't sleep the night before any doctor's appointment - every time I go I'm sure this is the time that my protocol has failed or that my viral load has spiked. It's part of the package."

She shook her head, burying her face in her hands. "I don't know when this got to be so hard."

"I don't know that it's ever easy," he countered, evoking a small smile from Robin. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure"

Darren paused for a moment, trying to formulate his question. It was clear to him that she was teetering on the precipice and he didn't want to do anything to send her over the edge but at the same time, she currently bore little resemblance to the young woman he had met all those months ago. Even at her lowest while she was attending the group she did not seem as defeated as she did right now.

"Why did you let him leave?"

The corners of Robin's mouth twitched up into a small smile. It was a question she had asked herself a million times over the last nine days but she could not find the answer. "I don't know" she answered. "Maybe it's too hard to go after him. Maybe there's a part of me that is….afraid…..is afraid that he is right for leaving."

"And last fall, when you told him to leave you alone – you said you begged him to leave you alone – and he wouldn't. Why is this any different?"

"It shouldn't be" she admitted. "And there is a huge part of me that wants to go after him and tell him that he doesn't get to tell me that he loves me and then quit."

"So what's stopping you?" he prodded.

Letting out a small sigh, Robin dragged her hands through her hair and pulled it back into a ponytail at the base of her neck. The answer was suddenly clear to her, it was on the tip of her tongue but she worried that by saying it out loud, by giving it a voice she was going to give it power.

"Robin?"

Slumping in her chair she stared at him for several minutes. "I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to hold it all together, of trying to be positive when I don't feel it, of trying to not be worried or afraid only to wind up more so in the end. Darren, I'm tired."

"So what are you going to do about it?"

She smiled gratefully at him. She had people in her life who gave her permission to wallow, to stay down on the mat for a little while if she needed it and there was nothing wrong with that, but every once in a while a person needs someone who will kick them and tell them to get up.

Patrick needed that but before she could that for him, she needed someone to do it to her.

"I guess I'm going to make an appointment and get my viral load checked."

"Do you want me to go with you?" he offered.

"Maybe. Can I let you know?"

"Of course. And then what are you going to do?"

She exhaled quietly. "I'm going to get my strength back."

"Good." Glancing down at his watch, he gulped down the last of his coffee and pushed the mug to the side. "I have to get to work but I want you to promise to call me if you need anything, even it's just a little handholding before or after your appointment."

She nodded. "Thank you Darren – I mean it. I know I wasn't very nice to
you the last couple of times-"

"No worries," he grinned. "Buy me a chocolate chip cookie next time and we'll call it even." Standing up, he pulled his coat from the back of his chair and shrugged it on. He retrieved his gloves from the table and shoved them in his pockets. "I'll talk to you soon"

Robin let out a long slow breath as he left the diner. The truth was liberating and the fog that had been enveloping her head for days seemed to suddenly lift. Her heart was still battered and bruised and she ached with how much she missed Patrick but it was time to get off the mat.

Flipping open her phone, she made an appointment with the doctor for later that afternoon. If she was going to be there for Patrick and be the support that he needed then she needed to take back control of her life.

They had a long road ahead of them and she was going to ensure she had both the stamina and wherewithal to do it. Patrick needed her and she was going to be there for him whether he wanted her to or not. He wouldn't give up on her and it was time to repay the favour.

Her fingers found her pendant once again and she traced the outline of
the heart.

"I'm coming Patrick," she whispered under her breath. "I'm not quitting and I'm not going to let you do it either. I'm coming."