Chapter 76

With a broken heart that's still beating

His fingers were threading lazily through her hair but he did not seem to hear her when she spoke. Raising her head from his chest, Alexis noticed he was staring off into space.

"Hey," she called to him softly, sweeping her hand across his bare chest. "Where are you?"

Pulled from his thoughts by her touch, he turned to look at her and smiled apologetically. "I'm here." He pressed his lips against her forehead.

"You know," she began, a small smile playing at the corners of her mouth, "after what we just did you should be feeling boneless and relaxed but you're all twitchy and tense. What's going on?"

Prior to meeting Alexis he had convinced himself that relationships were not in the cards for him and that he would be better served focusing on his career. But in the month they had been together he had come to realize how much he missed having a connection with another person. There were logistical pitfalls in trying to see each other – he would take short overnight trips to Port Charles or she would come to New York. Their time together was never long enough but he tried not to be greedy and concentrated instead on the goodness that she was bringing to him.

Letting out a long, slow breath he tugged her closer to him. His fingers moved lightly against her back.

"The Ethics Committee is issuing its recommendation tomorrow about me performing Patrick's surgery. It's non-binding, so I don't have to follow it but I just…I don't know."

"Do you think they're going to tell you not to do it?"

He inhaled sharply as he looked over to the side. "Part of me wishes they would."

Alexis looked at him in surprise. One of the things that attracted her to him was his quiet confidence. He never made a show of himself or stomped around but he was unquestionably sure of who he was. She had not imagined that there was much room for doubt in him.

"Eric, if you don't want to do this surgery then you shouldn't," she told him carefully.

"It's not about wanting to do it. It's about the stakes. I've done high stakes surgery before where people's lives hang in the balance but I've never had to personally take that risk. I just…." His voice trailed off as he sucked in a breath. "He's my best friend and it's killing me that he has to go through this. He's getting weaker and today was a bad day."
"What can I do to make it better?" she asked.

Eric smiled and nipped at her lips. He was falling hard for her and he knew it. "Come back on the weekend," he suggested. "And bring the girls. I know someone in the Beauty and the Beast show and they could get us tickets. We could take the girls to Carmine's and go skating in Central Park…" He paused as he felt Alexis start to pull away from him.

"Uh…well…" she stammered, "I'm…I don't…..I don't think it's a good idea."

"Okay" he replied slowly, "we could do it another weekend."

"It's not the weekend Eric, I'm just…I'm not sure about you spending time with Molly and Kristina."

Pushing the pillows against the headboard, he sat up and stared at her. "What do you mean? The four of us had lunch together last week."

"That's different" she said, "it…I mean this is a big outing and I don't want to confuse them."

"Confuse them how?"

"Well I mean I'd have to explain to them what you are and-"

"And what am I?" he interrupted.

Alexis' insecurities, which always bubbled just beneath the surface, were in full boil. After the betrayal by her husband and her battle with cancer, she had little trust to give to anyone.

"Well…." She stammered nervously, her lips dry. "You're my friend."

His blue eyes widened in shock and his mouth dropped open. "Your…your friend? Are you sleeping with a lot of your friends?"

Her eyes narrowed at the implication. "That's not what I mean and you know it."

"Do I?" he challenged. "How would I? We are together at least twice a week and I thought we had an emotional intimacy that went with the physical but I guess I'm wrong."

"I am not wrong from wanting to protect my daughters – it's been a difficult year for them and I don't want it made more complicated."

Trying to keep his temper in check, he exhaled as he rubbed his hand over his face. "Alexis, I am not trying to assume a role in their lives. I just…I guess I want to be let in a little more. Then again maybe my basic premise is wrong. I'm assuming we're in a relationship and maybe you're just looking for a boy on the side."

It was impossible for him to keep the hurt from his voice. Much like Patrick, he was more sensitive than he ever let on.

Alexis sighed heavily. "You are not a boy on the side." Reaching out she pressed her hand to his cheek. "This is just…it's new and I'm clumsy and I'm not good with definitions." Leaning forward, she brushed her lips against his. "Look, I'll talk to Sonny and Ric about bringing the girls up here sometime, okay?"

Pushing back the covers, she swung her feet to the floor and reached for her dress.

"Wh-where are you going?" he asked.

Wrapping the ties around her waist, she smiled gamely. "I…my breakfast meeting is really early tomorrow and it's at the hotel. It's probably best if I head there tonight and then I don't have to fight uptown traffic in the morning."

A look of disbelief crossed his face. "You're leaving? But you always stay – we always wake up together" He hated the needy sound in his voice.

Having slipped on her shoes, she kneeled back on the bed and kissed him quickly. "I have a big day tomorrow. I'll call you later, okay?"

She was out his bedroom door and down the stairs before he even had a chance to react. Reaching for a pillow, he brought it to his face and covering his mouth screamed his frustration into it.

Patrick heard the apartment door slam shut and looked at the clock on his nightstand. It was 2:33 a.m. He sighed. It could not be a good sign if Alexis was leaving in the middle of the night.

Despite feeling suffocated by his illness most of the time, he was still pleased that his friend was taking a chance with his heart again. Eric had always been better suited to relationships than he had and while he had been content, until Robin, to date and enjoy the company of many women; his friend always seemed to be missing something.

Raising his hand, he gently touched the feeding tube in his nose. The chemo had weakened him so much, made him so nauseous that a feeding tube was the only option. Though he hated the idea of it, he knew Eric was right when he told him it was time. His chances of surviving surgery would increase significantly if he was able to put on some of the weight he had lost and boost his immunity.
Eric had wanted to cancel his date with Alexis so he could spend time with him and help him adjust to the tube but Patrick had insisted he keep it. He wanted at least someone to be happy through this.

In his haste to leave Port Charles, he had left many things behind but somehow had thought to grab a photo of him and Robin from their tree trimming party. She was sitting on his lap and laughing at the string of popcorn she had wrapped around his neck like a boa and the tinsel hanging from his hair. Her smile was bright, her eyes were dancing and she looked blissful.

He traced his finger over the picture and swallowed down the bitter lump in his throat. He missed her. He missed them – their relationship, their coupledom. He ached for the feel of body against his in the middle of the night, for the reassurance her kisses provided him.

He smiled sadly at the photo before tucking it back under his pillow. His surgery was scheduled for the day his chemo treatment ended – just a little over two weeks away. If he survived, if he was undamaged he would go get her. He would smother her with kisses and love her through the night and long into the next morning.

It was unlikely he would ever get to do that though as the chances of him coming out the other side unscathed were slim. And if he couldn't be a whole man to her then he wouldn't be with her.

Sitting on the bathroom floor with her knees pulled to her chest, Robin stared in wonder at the piece of paper in her hands.

Her viral load had come back slightly elevated but Alan had been a reassuring and calming force – as he had always been with her. He increased the dosage of her protocol but did not change any of the meds and while he warned her she would be feeling less than stellar for a few days as her body absorbed the higher quantity of anti-retrovirals, he fully expected her viral load to return to its normal low levels in short order.

It had not taken long for the effects of the meds to make itself known and so she had decided to camp out in her bathroom until she was sure she could go more than half an hour without vomiting. Instead of being panicked as she thought she would feel, she was feeling tranquil, as though this was a hurdle she needed to clear to get to where she was going. – where she needed to be.

The hamper in the bathroom had been close to overflowing and in an effort to keep herself busy had emptied it on to the floor and started to sort it. A pair of Patrick's jeans was mixed in with her clothes and she had reached for them, running her hands over them. He had left so quickly that many of his things were still in the apartment. She had found that to be a comfort in many ways.

Smiling, she had started to empty the pockets telling herself the jeans were just one more reason she had to go get him. A folded piece of paper had fluttered towards the ground. Grabbing it in mid-air and thinking it was a bill, she had nearly tossed it in the wastebasket. But a voice in her head had told her to unfold it and when she did she felt all the air rush from her chest.

There, in his almost illegible scribble was a list.

Memories to make with Robin

Hogamany in Scotland

See Paris through her eyes

Meet Brenda

Show her my city

Rangers/Devils Game

Spend time in the Hamptons and let her see all the embarrassing childhood photos

One perfect night at the Cabin

One perfect week on a beach in Greece

It was like a veil had been lifted from her eyes and she understood that he felt as though he was being chased, that he was running out of time. They were feelings she knew well.

Reaching for a pen, she wrote on the page, adding to the title:

Memories to make with Robin AND Patrick

They were going to do everything on that list – together.