Chapter 83

Full of grace, my love

Robin sat in the waiting room, her head on Mac's shoulder, staring at the envelope. The room was growing heavy with the silence as the hours of Patrick's surgery continued to tick by. He had now been under the knife for more than nine hours and Robin felt her patience beginning to slip. She was growing antsy for news, though there was to be had. There was nothing to tell until the surgery was over and she supposed she should be grateful that Eric had not yet appeared. If he came too soon then it would not be good news.

Mac stroked her hair and pressed another kiss to her head. "Why don't you find a place where you can read that?" he asked her quietly.

"I don't know if I want to" she admitted.

"Are you afraid of what it might say?"

She nodded. "What if...what if it's bad?"

"Sweetheart," he began gently, "do you really think he'd write you something bad?"

"I don't know."

Alexis leaned forward in her chair and smiled at her friend. "Robin, I'm going to violate a little attorney/client privilege here but you should know when I met with Patrick that he was in peaceful state of mind. I don't know the contents of your letter but if it were me, I would read it."

Understanding her meaning, Robin smiled gratefully. Looking back down at the letter she exhaled and stood up. "I'm going to go for a little walk." She looked at her uncle. "Will you-"

Mac reassuringly placed his hand over hers. "I will come and find you if anything happens."

For the second time that evening, Robin launched herself into his arms and hugged him tightly. "I love you Uncle Mac."

"I love you too Robin." The words caught in his throat as he was reminded yet again of all his niece had survived and hoped that the universe would be kind with her.

Giving Alexis a small wave, she tucked the letter into her purse and headed out into the hallway.

xxxxxx

She had wandered the halls for almost half an hour ducking around corners in search of a place where she could be alone with her thoughts. If she were at General Hospital it could have been almost anywhere - she was so familiar with the noises and commotion that it was like background music to her. But the noise here was different and quiet was hard to come by.

She had finally found a stairwell and climbed it to the top, knowing there wouldn't be many people who walk fourteen flights. Sitting down on the step, she pulled the letter from her purse and carefully lifted the flap. She paused for another moment before finally pulling the letter from the confines of the envelope. Unfolding it, she laid it on her lap and began to read.

Dear Robin -

I've never written a love letter before and I think that will become almost painfully clear to you as I clumsily try to tell you what's in my heart.

I know you are likely still very angry with me for leaving, for being another person to leave you but I hope some day you will understand that I truly did it with your best interests at heart. As painful as leaving you that day was, I know that watching me fail as I have done over the last month would be more painful. But being who you are, you would never let show and it would have been too easy to stay and let you care for me. This is the first time in my life where I want to put someone's needs above mine and I hope that you will come, in time, to understand why I did it.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about my life in the last month and I realize that before I met you my life was pretty black and white. I never spent a lot of time thinking about things, I was always looking for the next good time. I had no interest in relationships because I didn't think they would be worth the effort - the truth is I didn't think anyone would really want me for the long haul. But then you busted into that OR radiating colours behind you like I have never seen before and my life changed in an instant.

You threw me off balance - you still do - and made me question things about myself that I had taken for granted. I didn't know how to listen to my heart until you showed me how and now the damn thing won't shut up.

I have always known what love is but I had never experienced it. I didn't know that a kiss could really make someone weak in the knees or that holding your hand could send a rush through me unlike anything I have ever felt. But mostly I didn't know how amazing it could feel to trust someone with who I am and have that given back to me 100 times over.

I remember standing on the roof after the Gilbert surgery and my head was jumble of thoughts. I was panicked with no clue of what to do next and then as you often do, you showed up just when I needed you most. The moment I held you in my arms I felt like I could breathe again. I could barely say it to myself, let alone to you but I was already in love with you. I suppose there are lots of people who can remember the exact moment they fell in love but I can't. It wasn't one moment, it was a million tiny ones - it's the way you roll your eyes at one of my cheesy lines or when you asked me what was wrong with wanting to feel safe and unafraid. It's the way you saunter away from me and toss me a look over your shoulder knowing it drives me crazy or when you held my hand through my dad's surgery. It's watching you get up on a stage and tell a roomful of people about some of your lowest moments so that they will dig deep and help prevent another person from living what you have lived. It's every time we make love and you wrap your body around mine. It's waking up next to you or talking to you on the phone. It's having you hold my hand and tell me everything will okay when I am not sure it ever will be again - but I believe because you tell me so.

Falling in love with you is not a one time thing, it's an every day thing.

The claddagh necklace that I gave you probably does a better job of expressing what you mean to me than anything I could write. Before anything else, you are my friend - I like hanging out with you - playing pool, going to a hockey game or watching a movie. You are loyal - I have watched you take on all comers to protect what and who is important to you and it is a most impressive sight. To be a part of that, to be the recepient of your loyalty and trust is not something I take lightly. And you have the biggest heart of anyone I have ever known and that you've let me live in a corner of it is the greatest gift I have ever been given.

My greatest wish is that I come through surgery with flying colours and no side effects - that I have the opportunity to love you once more and I will fight with everything I have to do that. But I want you to promise that if something goes wrong, if I'm incapacitated in some way that you will go on without me. Robin, you have so much love and goodness to give and deserve so much in return that I don't want you to waste it on me if I can't give it back to you.

I have never been as complete in my life as I am with you. Loving you has been the best thing I have ever done and I thank you for sharing yourself with me.

I love you. Forever.

Patrick.