Chapter 84

Cast me gently into morning, for the night has been unkind

"You big jerk" she said out loud to no one in particular.

Exhaling slowly, Robin pressed the letter to her heart and bit back the tears that had threatened to form. She had waited her whole life for a love like this. His words about feeling complete echoed so much of what she felt for him. It had taken them some time to find their rhythm but once they did, they lived in synch with each other. Before Patrick, she thought that would mean never fighting or never disagreeing - her previous relationships had taught her that she needed to temper her opinions and be cautious about asking for what she wanted or needed.

But with Patrick it was different.

For all of his compliments about the impact she had on him, she had as many about his impact on her. She had been closed off, her heart out of reach to anyone including herself, when they met. And long after others would have thrown their hands up in frustration and walked away, he kept after her. He taught her it was okay to put down the shield and let him in. When she felt like she was falling to pieces as memories came back to haunt her he rose to the occasion and stood by her side. He made it easier for her to be who she was, he was unrestrained in his admiration for her and pushed her to go further than she even imagined she could.

She used to live in fear of making a mistake as she had learned that forgiveness was not always a given when she did so. But Patrick was different - he accepted her completely. He had never tried to change her or asked her to be different, he simply loved her as he found her and that was the most amazing experience of her life. And one she was not ready to give up without a fight.

"I love you too" she whispered as she looked at the letter. "And I'm not going anywhere."

Sliding the letter back into its envelope, she placed it in her purse. Rising to her feet she brushed off her pants, fixed her ponytail and took a deep breath. If Patrick had intended the letter as a goodbye, he would soon find out that the opposite had happened. She was more connected to him than ever before.

Skipping quickly down the stairs, she headed back to the waiting room.

"Can I get either of you a coffee or something to eat?" Alexis offered as she looked at Mac flipping aimlessly through a magazine and Noah staring blankly at the floor.

Raising his gaze, Noah gave a tired smile. "I'm afraid if I have any more coffee I might start seeing Juan Valdez and his donkey," he joked weakly.

Lowering his magazine, Mac looked at the doctor and smiled sympathetically. "How are you holding up?"

"So far so good" he admitted. He had been buyoed by Patrick's letter. To know that he had been forgiven - truly forgiven - and to have his son tell him that he still loved him had restored his waning energy.

Everyone turned their attention to the door as Robin shuffled back into the room. Mac looked at her carefully, checking for any signs of distress or heartbreak. No one had ever told him that the hardest part of being a parent was being unable to prevent your children from experiencing pain. He had also never been told the joy and pride he would feel watching his child deal with set backs with a grace that people twice her age could not manage.

"Okay?" he asked, eyebrows raised.

Robin nodded. "Yeah." Settling into the seat between Alexis and Mac, she turned to her friend and smiled gratefully. "Thank you for the nudge to read the letter," she said quietly.

Alexis winked. "What are friends for?"

Hooking her arm through Mac's Robin laid her head against his shoulder and let out an exhausted sigh.

The hours continued to tick by and they were all so lost in their own thoughts and fatigue that they were slow to react to the knock at the door. The sight of Eric in his navy scrubs sent Robin's heart leaping into her throat. Noah glanced quickly at his watch and felt a small wave of relief wash over him as he saw it had been just over 13 hours since the start of Patrick's surgery.

Eric pulled the surgical cap from his head and stepped into the room. He did a quick double take as he saw Alexis sitting beside Robin and immediately pushed any thoughts of her from his mind.

"It went well" he told them. "The tumour was bigger than what was apparent on the MRI but I'm confident I got it all."

Robin closed her eyes and exhaled while Noah rubbed his hands over his face. "Did he seize?" Noah asked, finally finding his voice.

Eric nodded. "A few times but there was no further cardiac arrest. He'll be in recovery for about another two hours and then we'll move him to ICU. You both already know this but I'll say it anyways - he's going to be on a vent for the first 24 hours. I expect to wake up somewhere between 18 and 36 hours from now. He will likely be disoriented and agitated and if that happens, I'll sedate him."

His shoulders were slumped and the bags under his eyes pronounced. In looking at him Noah knew the toll all this had taken on the young doctor and that he would be a long time feeling the emotional effects of this surgery. Getting up from his chair, Noah clapped him on the shoulder, shaking his hand. "Thank you" he told him earnestly.

Too tired to speak, Eric simply nodded. Robin rose to her feet and walking across the room wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly. Eric closed his arms around her and hugged her back. He kissed her cheek as he pulled out of the embrace.

"How are you?" she asked.

He flashed a quick smile. "I'm okay. I'm going to go to my office and work on my post-op notes. Once he's moved to the ICU, I'll come and get you guys. If you have any questions in the meantime, just have me paged and I'll be here, okay?" Turning on his heel he strode out of the room.

Robin sat back down in her chair and exhaled a long, slow breath. "It's over" she said quietly.

Noah, still standing, shoved his hand into his jeans pocket and touched the rosary, Mattie's rosary, that was curled inside. He was grateful and yet feeling shaky at the same time. While he agreed with Robin, the surgery was over, there was still a lot of ground left to cover and he needed to prepare himself for that. "If you'll excuse me" he said to the other three, "I'm...I'm going to take a walk."

Robin watched as Noah headed out the door and knew the mixed feelings swirling inside of him. For so long the surgery had been this giant, all consuming hurdle in front of them and now that they were over it, it was time to turn their attention to what came next. And until Patrick woke up no one would know what that was.

She looked over at her Alexis sitting next to her and reaching out, gently touched her leg. "Alexis, go see him" she encouraged.

Alexis smiled wryly, "I don't know."

"If you like him, go see him. Don't waste another minute."

Grabbing her briefcase, Alexis scrambled to her feet. Pausing, she stopped and kissed Robin on the forehead. "I'm glad he's out of surgery."

"Me too."

xxxxxx

Alone in his office, Eric stared at his post-op notes and sighed. There wasn't a muscle in his body that wasn't screaming at him. Long surgeries were all part of the package in his specialty but other than the first time he led a surgery years ago he could not remember a more stressful time in the OR. With his elbows on the desk, he cradled his head in his hands and closed his eyes. It would be days, maybe even a whole week before the full outcome of the surgery was known and he wasn't sure how he would cope if Patrick woke up less than who he knew him to be.

Hearing his office door push open he looked up and groaned as Alexis walked through, closing the door behind her. Meeting her eyes, he shook his head. "I don't have time for you tonight. If you're looking for another round of push/pull, you're going to have to find someone else to play it with - I'm too fucking tired."

"I think you might need a friend" she told him, undeterred by his snappish tone.

"Well I don't." When she made no move to leave, he pushed his chair back from his desk and glared at her. "What do you want from me Alexis?"

"Nothing" she replied. Moving further into his office, she sat down in his guest chair on the opposite side of the desk. "It's just that I know how stressed you have been about this surgery and how worried you've been for weeks. And I thought maybe I could...I could help."

He stared at her and was overwhelmed with a desire to get lost in her, to forget that he had spent the last 13 hours carefully and precisely removing a tumour from his best friend's brain. He wanted to get rid of the knowledge, even if only temporarily, that the slightest hitch in his hand, the smallest of ticks could irrevocably change Patrick's life.

"I don't understand you," he said quietly.

"I was scared," she admitted quietly.

He shook his head. "I don't get it. I am a good guy Alexis. When they talk about the good guys, they are talking about me. I don't get off on hurting people, I don't look for ways to be mean or manipulative. I care for the people in my life and try and let them know that as often as possible because when I spent weeks hovering between life and death I decided I wouldn't let words like that go unsaid. I mean, I know I'm not anyone's definition of a whole man" His voice hitched and trembled slightly. "I know that but I never thought being with me was scary or something to be ashamed of." His blue eyes welled with tears as weeks of stress started to seep from him.

Furrowing her brow, Alexis looked at him in confusion. "I'm not scared of you Eric, I'm scared of myself. But...wh-what do you mean you aren't a whole man?"

Looking off to the side, he tried his best to blink away the tears that had formed. Patrick was the only person who knew how hard the adjustment had been for him, how much he struggled with his new reality. The few dates he had gone on since his recovery had often ended early with his date being apologetic and him being understanding. Sucking in a breath he looked back at her.

"Alexis, I would think you would have guessed by now. I have one testicle and it's a prosthetic. That patch on my hip which you asked if it was a nicotine patch is a testosterone patch. I wear one because I can't produce it on my own. Th-the one thing that makes me a man and I have to get it from the pharmacy."

Pushing back her chair she stood up and walking around his desk placed herself between him and the desk. Sitting on the edge she looked him straight in the eye. "I didn't know it was a prosthetic and it doesn't bother me - though it obviously bothers you" she told him kindly. "Let's clear something up though okay? Testosterone is what makes you male. What makes you a man is in here," leaning forward she tapped his heart. "And in here," she tapped his head. Mere inches from his face, she cupped his cheek. "And you are more of a man than anyone I know."

Closing his eyes, he pushed his cheek against her palm. "Don't be here because you feel sorry for me," he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

"I'm not and I don't" she told him. "I'm here because I care about you and I've done a poor job of letting you know."

He kissed the inside of her hand. Looking up at Alexis, he cupped the back of her head bringing her mouth to his. He kissed her softly, nipping at her bottom lip. "We still have a lot to talk about"

"And we will" she assured him gently. "But tonight I am going to take care of you."

Sliding his arms around her he pulled her to his lap and embraced her tightly, burying his head in the soft crook of her neck and breathing in her scent. "I've missed you" he whispered, his voice vibrating against her skin.

"And I've missed you." She pressed several small kisses against his cheek. "You're not alone Eric, I'm here."

xxxxxx

Having received word that Patrick was being moved to ICU, Eric headed back to the waiting room with Alexis. Robin was dozing lightly, her head on Mac's shoulder and Noah slowly breaking off pieces from a styrofoam cup. He tapped lightly on the door.

Mac gently touched Robin's shoulder. Sitting up straight, she rubbed the sleep from her eyes and looked expectantly at Eric.

"He's being moved right now" he told them. "I'll take you to him, if you'd like to follow me."

"And then you're going home to get some rest, right?" Noah asked.

Eric gave a small shrug. "I was going to crash in the on-call room. I'd like to be here when he wakes up."

Noah touched his shoulder. "Eric, I am very grateful for all that you have done for my son tonight but I know you must be exhausted. And you and I both know he may need you yet again." Seeing the resistence on Eric's face, he smiled knowing that Patrick had often given him the same look. "Son, go home and sleep in your bed - your team will page you when he wakes up."

Stopping outside Patrick's room, Eric nodded. "Okay I will. Let's go in."

The small group followed Eric inside Patrick's room. The rythmic hiss of the ventilator was only the sound in the room. Patrick lay on the bed, pale and small; his body seemed to float in the hospital gown. His head was shaven and bald except for thick white bandages covering his incision. His lips were already dry and cracked from the ventilator and an i.v. line had been inserted into the back of his hand. If there had been any doubt as to how sick he was, it was erased at that moment.

When asked, Noah and Robin said they had no questions and so Eric quietly slipped from the room to give them some alone time with Patrick.

Noah walked to the head of the bed and kissed Patrick's forehead. "You did well Patty" he told him. "I am so proud of you and I love you."

Robin stood at the foot of his bed staring at him. She had said nothing since arriving inside the room and though she had opened her mouth several times to speak, there were simply no words that would come. There was something so jarring about Patrick's appearance. He looked nothing like the man she loved - her Patrick. She could hear his voice in her head but couldn't reconcile the voice with the person laying in front of her. It was as though she had been trying so hard to believe he would be fine - for him and for her - that she had somehow missed how much had hung in the balance. And how precarious the balance was.

"Robin?" Mac called to her.

She could not answer him. Her entire body started to tremble and shake as she stared at her boyfriend. The tears that had absent for almost a whole day suddenly flooded her eyes and gushed down her cheeks. A small sob escaped from the back of her throat.

Mac quickly took hold of her and whisked her from the room. Out in the hallway he wrapped her in his arms and pulled her tremulous body next to his, soothingly rubbing her back. She buried her face in his chest, sobbing.

"It's okay Robin, I've got you."