Chapter 87

Let me be the calm you seek

Sweeping her hand across his chest, Robin shook her head in disbelief. "You should be sleeping," she admonished kindly.

He blinked twice.

After she had crawled in to his bed and he finally got to feel her in his arms again, he did not want to sleep again. He was afraid that if he closed his eyes when he woke up, she would be gone. He was struggling, due to the medication flowing through his body, to figure out what was real and what was not. He was sure he was awake – the exhausted look on his father's face, the strain on Eric's and the unabashed hopefulness on Robin's all rang true to him. But if he wasn't awake and he closed his eyes it could all be gone and he wasn't willing to let go just yet.

He tentatively threaded his fingers through Robin's hair, letting its soft silkiness flow through like rain water. It had been so long since he had touched her, since he had felt her warmth against him that his body ached for her.

"Are you in pain?" she asked, searching his eyes for hints to how he was really feeling.

He blinked twice.

It was impossible for him to tell if it was her presence, the medication or the residual effects of the anaesthetic but he felt as though he was floating. The last few days were clear in his mind and he remembered the pain from that almost as though he was reliving it. His throat had been sore and raw from the feeding tube, his bones had ached as though nails had been driven through them and his headaches were blinding in their intensity. But now there was none and he finally felt as though it might be okay to hope.

He glanced out the window of his room and saw his father standing there, watching him. His father looked exhausted. And old. And as though he was seeing him for the first time, he finally understood the toll everything had taken on him; that as if watching your wife slip painfully away wasn't enough, you were the last one to hold her life in your hands and couldn't save her. A decade of self-punishment and self-loathing later you are forced to repeat your worst nightmare with your child. He didn't know how his father was still standing. There was no way he would be.

Suddenly overwhelmed by an enormous sadness for the distress he had inflicted on both Noah and Robin, his eyes overflowed with tears and they trickled down his cheeks.

Sitting up, Robin wiped them away. "Patrick? Baby, it's okay. You're okay."

Faced with her innate goodness and reassurances only further drove home the recognition of how badly he had hurt her. With tears flowing, he began to gurgle and rasp against the tube in his throat. He wanted to pull it out so he could tell her how sorry he was, tell her that he should never have left her. His right hand flew to his face and tugged at the tape holding the tube in place. His legs started to shake as he was besieged with panic.

Robin closed her hand over his. "Patrick, no. Don't pull at the tape. What's wrong?"

His eyes darted around the room wildly as his heart monitor beeped with increasing intensity. Perhaps he was dead, he thought. Maybe this was his punishment for his mistakes – that he would be in a room with Robin but not be able to tell her how sorry he was. That his father who he had pushed away for so long was now completely out of reach.

She could feel his terror rising and was at a loss to figure out the cause. Rubbing her hand across his chest in a slow, rhythmic pattern she tried to soothe him but it was having little effect.

"Patrick, look at me" she commanded. His gaze turned to her and she took a deep breath. "You are okay. Everything is okay."

He started to shake his head and winced as the movement shot pain through his body. Yet again he tried to pull the tape on his face.

Noah pushed open the door. "I'm going to get Eric" he told her before sprinting down the hall.

"Patrick, you can't take the tape off. You need to keep the tube in for a few more hours."

His eyes were as wide as saucers as he moved about in the bed. He needed to talk to her. He had to tell her how sorry he was. Tears gushed down his cheeks as he clawed at the tube.

The door to the room flew open as Eric raced in to the room with Noah trailing behind him. Pulling a syringe from his pocket, he injected it in to his i.v. before turning his attention to his patient. Robin was trying to hold his hands down but it was proving to be a losing battle as he fought against her.

Leaning over him, Eric took hold of Patrick's wrists and held them until the sedative kicked in. Feeling Patrick's muscles give in to the medication he carefully let them go and placed them by his side. He carefully inspected the bandages on his head and gently readjusted the tape on his cheeks.

"He's okay – he didn't pop any stitches or do any damage." He turned to Robin who was looking suddenly very pale. "Are you okay?"

Sliding off the bed, she nodded. "I just… he was fine one minute and then became really panicked. I tried to talk him down but he was too upset."

Eric nodded. "This is to be expected" he reminded them both. "Agitation is not unusual in post-op patients with a vent, especially those coming out of neurosurgery. His thought process is going to be all over the map and the medication doesn't necessarily help that."

"I know" Robin agreed. "It's just…"

"Everything was fine and then it wasn't" Noah finished for her.

He was equally shaken by his son's reactions. It had not gone unnoticed by him that it happened as Patrick had made eye contact with him and he wondered if his son was suddenly reminded of all the ways he had failed him and was yet again awash in anger.

The young doctor smiled sympathetically. "I know I'm not telling you guys stuff that you don't already know but I want to say it anyways. We all want Patrick to have turned the corner and to be okay and right now we have no reason to believe he hasn't but it's still a long way from where he is right now back to the person he was. Be hopeful but be patient." He looked at both of them and saw the exhaustion etched on their faces. "And I think it's time that both of you went and slept in a bed."

"I'm not leaving him" Robin stated defiantly.

"Me either" Noah added.

"I can set you up in one of the on call rooms with a promise to wake you when he does. But with what I just gave him, he's going to be out for a few hours."

"Eric-" Robin interrupted.

"Robin – it's a long road ahead and he is going to need both of you to be healthy and strong to help him. A few hours of real sleep in a real bed is a good place to start."

"I agree"

Robin turned and smirked as she saw Mac leaning in the doorway. "Your timing is impeccable" she groused good naturedly.

"It's my spidey sense" he teased. "And Eric is right. You need some rest – both of you do" he added looking over at Noah.

Noah looked to Robin and smiled. "I think we've been told."

"Looks that way."

"Good. I'll go get a room set up and be back to take you there." He smiled at them as he exited the room.

Mac walked to where his niece was standing and wrapped his arms around her. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm okay" she said quietly. "I'm just feeling a little shaky right now."

"I can sit with Patrick while you're both sleeping" he offered. "Just in case he wakes up."

Noah smiled gratefully. "That….that would be very kind of you"

Mac gave him a small nod, from one parent to another.

Turning in his arms, Robin looked at her uncle and shook her head. "Have I mentioned lately how lucky I am to have you in my life?"

"Back at ya kiddo"

As the nurse arrived to escort them to the room, Robin kissed Patrick on his cheek. "Dream only good things" she whispered. "And I'll do the same. I love you."

xxxxx

Eric blew out his cheeks as he pushed open the door to his office. There was nothing in Patrick's behaviour that was unusual or a cause for concern but that did little to lessen how difficult it was to see him like that. He worried that all of them, Patrick, Robin and Noah were hovering precariously near the edge of a cliff and if one fell off, they all would.

"Hungry?"

He looked up in surprise, his face breaking into a wide smile as he saw Alexis sitting on his couch. Closing over the door he crossed the office and sat down next to her, stealing a quick kiss.

"This is the best surprise ever," he told her.

"It occurred to me this morning that you never ate last night and you must be famished. If I were a good girlfriend I would have cooked you something but my cooking is listed by the UN as a weapon of mass destruction. So I bought bagels and coffee."

Eric grinned. "What did you just say?"

She furrowed her brow. "I'm not sure that I could repeat all that again."

"I don't want to hear all of it – just the part where you called yourself my girlfriend."

Alexis cupped his cheek with her hand and nipped at his mouth. "I'm your girlfriend" she whispered. "If that's what you want."

"I want" he nodded.

"Good," she smiled. "Then as your girlfriend I get to be bossy." Picking up a piece of bagel, she held it to his lips. "Now eat."

He gratefully accepted the food as he leaned back against the couch. He tiredly ran his hand along her leg.

"How is everyone doing?" she asked.

"As well as can be expected" he answered, laughing as she took advantage of his open mouth to feed him more bagel.

"Including Patrick?"

He nodded. "Yeah. It's not easy, this part but he's doing okay."

"And you?"

He slid his arm around her waist and pulled her flush against him. "I'm really, really glad you're here."

She threaded her fingers through his hair. "I have to go home in a few hours. It's Parents' Night at Kristina's school and I promised her I would go. I know it's bad timing-"

He silenced her with a kiss. "No, not at all. I don't want you missing stuff to be with me. You'll never know what it meant to me to have you here but your kids come first."

"I can be back on the weekend" she offered. "The girls are going to be with their fathers."

Dipping his head, he nuzzled her neck taking comfort in the feel of her skin. "I'd like that." He ran his thumb along her lower lip. "And I'd like to take you on a date."

"A date? What would we do on this date?" she asked teasingly.

"Hmmm. Well, I think we would start with a long, luxurious dinner. Sitting in a quiet booth – maybe at Bar American? Then I would take you to my favourite dessert place. They make the best cupcakes."

"Cupcakes?"

He nodded. "Cupcakes are the perfect food. The icing on them is a mile high but light as a feather. The cake is homemade and melts in your mouth." The rich timbre of his voice sent shivers through her body. "And then I would take you home."

"Oh?" she arched a perfectly groomed eyebrow. "And what would we do there?"

Eric kissed her gently, sliding his tongue inside the velvety softness of her mouth. She moaned as he deepened the kiss, pulling her onto his lap. Her heart beat wildly in her chest as she knew without a doubt that she was falling for him in a way she had not fallen before.

The vibrating of his beeper caused them to pull apart as he smiled regretfully. "Duty calls."

"Okay," she nodded, chewing on her bottom lip. "Promise you'll call me when you get a chance? I'd like to know that everyone, including you, is still okay."

"I promise" he told her huskily, stealing one more kiss before she slid from his lap. He gave her a small wave as he left his office.

xxxx

"I'm not going to tell you that you can't be in there when I extubate him," Eric said looking at Robin and Noah. "But I will tell you it would be my preference that you weren't."

Robin shook her head. "No disrespect Eric but I'm going to be there."

He looked over at Noah.

"Me too."

"Okay" he acquiesced. "Let's go."

It had been six hours since Patrick had been sedated. Eric had reviewed the post-op films looking for any anomaly that would give some indication of what to expect when he woke up. He found none but could not decide whether to be relieved or worried.

Having been told that Patrick was waking up, he had gone to wake Noah and Robin who despite earlier protests were both sound asleep when he got to them.

He held the door open for both of them before following them into the room. His nurse stood off to the side waiting for his instructions. He touched his friend's shoulder and watched as he opened his eyes – still groggy but aware.

"How would you like to get that tube out of your throat?"

Patrick blinked once.

"Okay. We're going to pull you to a sitting position and I need you to exhale – really hard – while I extubate. Ready?"

With assistance from the nurse, they sat him up and on Eric's count gently pulled the tube as Patrick blew out his cheeks. He gasped and gagged as the last remaining inches of tube left his throat and then laid back against his pillows.

He greedily sucked on the ice cubes that Eric placed against his lips and kept his eyes locked on Robin. Raising his hand slightly he held it out to her, smiling as best he could.

Unable to hold back any longer, Robin bounded to him entwining her fingers through his. Leaning in, she tenderly kissed his swollen lips. "I have missed you" she whispered to him.

Patrick swallowed the melted ice and looked at her. "Mo jess you roo"

The room fell eerily silent. He looked from Robin to his father to Eric before turning back to Robin.

"Mhat peens?" His brown eyes widened with fear as he read the expressions on their faces.

"Shit" Noah hissed under his breath.

Robin smiled gamely. "Just take a deep breath Patrick. Your words are just a little jumbled." Following her advice, and gripping tightly to her hand, he took one deep breath after another.

Opening his mouth to speak again, he found no words would come.