Chapter 89

Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life

As he pushed the door open he could feel the wind whipping up from the street below. He had been looking for her and having checked all her usual places decided to take a chance that she would be here. As he scanned the rooftop, he saw her standing on the ledge at the corner. Her eyes were cast down to the street below. His throat was suddenly thick and it was difficult to breathe. Gently closing the door behind him, he shuffled across the roof, his feet crunching against the gravel.

"Robin?" he called to her.

She neither looked up nor turned towards him; she simply shook her head. "It's too late"

He could feel the vice grip squeezing his heart. "Wh-what do you mean too late? Robin - please - please come down from there."

"No." Her voice was weak yet resolute.

He inched closer towards her, taking care not to startle her. Standing right behind her he grabbed hold of the back of her pants and pulled her from the ledge. She turned around, fury blazing in her eyes and tried to push him away.

"Robin, stop. Please" he begged, trying to pull her into his arms.

She tried to pull away. "You lied. YOU LIED TO ME!" she yelled at him.

"Robin I-"

"SHUT UP! We stood up here a year ago and I told you - I told you why it was so hard for me to take a risk. I told you that I took a chance on love once and I will spend the rest of my life paying for it. I asked you what was wrong with wanting to feel safe and unafraid and do you remember what you said? DO YOU??"

He swallowed thickly trying to find his voice. "N-nothing" he stammered. "I said there was nothing wrong with that."

"You let me believe I could have that with you but you lied."

"Robin, I didn't-"

She angrily stamped her foot. "Yes you did!" Tears began to stream down her face but she paid them little mind. "You left me. You left me when you said you wouldn't. You told me I could count on you."

"You can count on me!" he told her earnestly, reaching for her hands. "Robin I love you. I was trying to protect you" He needed her to understand the choices he made and to know they were made with her best intentions in his heart.

"NO!" she snapped, her face crumpling in anger. "You are weak and sick. You can't protect me - I can't count on you."

His own eyes misted over as he pulled her against him, closing his arms around her. "I love you Robin. With all of my heart - I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I left."

She unleashed a flurry of blows against him as she tried to free herself from his embrace. "You had your chance and you blew it!! You don't love me."

"I do!!" He absorbed her blows as he reached for her. "Robin, please you must understand-"

"Well I don't. You are just like all the others - they promised they wouldn't leave and they did." She choked back a sob. "How can I ever believe you loved me when you left me. I needed you Patrick - and you needed me and you walked away from it like it meant nothing." She grabbed hold of the necklace and ripped it from her neck. "THIS, THIS was the biggest lie you ever told." She threw it at him.

Patrick tried to catch it but couldn't feel his hands and the necklace dropped aimlessly to the ground. "Robin. You mean everything to me - you have to listen to me" His entire body began to tremble as he tried to get through to her.

"I can't understand you" she told him. "I don't know what you are saying. All I know is that you left me and I needed you - you broke your promise and you broke my heart. I am too tired to go on like this." She inched towards the ledge. "I am too tired and too sad" She stepped back on the ledge.

Patrick tried to grab hold of her but she simply moved out his way. His body shook and the pain in his head was intense as he tried to get to her. He felt a momentary sense of relief as she sat down on the ledge and as he paused to catch his breath, he watched in horror as she tipped backwards falling to the street below.

"NOOOOOOOOO!!" he screamed.

Waking up with a start his hands flew to his throat as he gasped for air. He gurgled and strained to make a noise but none came. Sweeping his hand across the bed he was gripped by panic as he was met with empty space. He remembered, he distinctly remembered going to sleep with Robin's head on his chest, her body curled next to his. She had seen his tattoo.

Or was it a dream?

His heart continued to slam against his ribs in terror.

He needed to find her.

As he sat up suddenly he gripped his head in pain; tiny little spots appeared in front of his eyes as the throbbing intensified. She was in pain - a pain caused by him and he needed to make it right. With a shaky hand he gently pulled back the tape on his arm and removed his i.v., wincing slightly as he removed the catheter and letting it drop to the ground.

Groaning loudly, he pulled himself to his feet and took one tentative step and then another. The room was swaying and it was becoming nearly impossible for him to focus. He stood still for a moment and closing his eyes, took several deep breaths. Opening his eyes, he looked at the door and focused on it, hoping it would make it easier for him to walk.

Every step increased the throbbing in his head; his hands started to shake.

Panting heavily from the exertion he finally reached the door, fumbling with the handle before managing to open it. His eyes slammed shut as he was confronted by the bright lights of the hallway. Slowly, painfully, he opened his eyes and squinted. He turned his head to look down the hall but could not see anyone. Unsure of which way to go, he took another step forward.

"Patrick?"

He breathed a small sigh of relief as he heard his father's voice.

"Patrick, what the hell are you doing out of bed?" he asked rushing to his side. Noah hooked his arm underneath him, trying to keep him steady. He looked around for a nurse to assist but could not find one. He had no idea how or why his son was out of his room but there was nothing good that could come from it.

Patrick looked up at his father, imploring him to help him. "I'm looking for Robin" he told him. "I need to find her."

The grimace on his father's face told him that yet again he was not being understood. He thumped his chest, just over his heart trying to make him understand what he needed but it was to no avail. He moved to take another step but stopped suddenly as he was hit by a blinding pain that knocked him breathless Turning to look at his father, he moaned as the familiar bitter alkaline taste appeared in his mouth.

Noah could feel his legs give way and he grabbed hold of him trying to keep him upright. Seeing Patrick's eyes roll to the back of his head, Noah gasped. There was no time to get him back to his room and laying him down on the ground as quickly and gently as he could, he then sank to his knees behind him, cradling his head to protect it as the seizure began.

"HELP!" he called out. "WE NEED HELP!"

A nurse came rushing from around the corner and doing a rapid assessment of the situation, hit the emergency button on the wall and paged Eric.

"Come on Patrick" Noah called to him, trying to reach him through the fog as the seizure stopped. "Hang in there"

Eric came sprinting down the hallway skidding to a stop in front of them. "What the hell happened?"

"I found him standing out here and then he started to seize."

"Jesus fuck" he swore.

As his team showed up he barked out orders like a drill sergeant. He told them how to lift him, what position to place him in on the gurney and then told them to move it as they took of down the hall pushing the gurney. With no time to waste, Eric cast a regretful glance over his shoulder at Noah, still kneeling on the floor, before running after his team.

Noah covered his face with his hands and screamed his frustration into them. He had felt so shaky earlier in the afternoon and he had slipped away to call his sponsor. After a lengthy conversation with him, he was directed to an AA meeting where he sat, saying nothing but drawing on the strength of those around him. Once he felt strong enough again he had come back to the hospital to sit with his son. But like always, he was too late.

"Noah?"

He pulled his hands from his face at the sound of Robin's voice. "Robin" Seeing the coffee she carried in her hand he realized she had stepped out for a few minutes and Patrick, likely disoriented, had gone in search of her.

"Noah, where's Patrick?"

"He's had a seizure - he's on his way to the OR."

The words had no sooner left his mouth than the coffee cup slipped from her hand to the floor spilling its contents everywhere.

xxxx

Eric glanced at his friend laying on the operating table and then back at the films on the light board. There was nothing to indicate why he would have had another seizure but he knew he had little choice but to go back in and see what was missed. He took a long, slow breath and walked to the head of the table. "Saw" he demanded.

As the instrument was placed in his hand he closed his eyes and hoped he would find what he needed to find in order to save his friend. As he prepared to cut into his friend for the second time in as many days, his intern called to him.

"Doctor Smitherman, his bp and pulseox are dropping."

"Shit" he swore. "Come on Patrick, don't you dare do this - don't you dare" He set the saw back down on the instrument tray and called for new medication to be added to his i.v.

"Still falling" the intern told him. "He's not responding"

As Eric opened his mouth to speak, the long drone of the heart monitor filled the OR announcing Patrick's heart had stopped.