Chapter 90

Don't give up, you're not beaten yet

As her legs bounced up and down nervously, Robin glanced up at the clock in the waiting room. It had been three hours since she had found Noah on his knees in the hall and she was ready to jump out of her skin. She thought they had turned a corner - not that they were in the home stretch by any means as Patrick's aphasia was no small matter - but she really believed there were no monsters left under the bed.

Realizing she was wrong was enough to make her weep.

"He's going to be okay" she said out loud for the umpteenth time.

Noah, feeling very close to the edge himself, looked over at the young woman and sighed. He wanted to believe as she did. He admired her seemingly unending reserve of strength and faith. But part of being sober meant not ignoring stark realities even when it would be so much easier to do so. Being a doctor, in a situation like this, was a curse. He wished he was not burdened with the knowledge of every little thing that could go wrong. He wished he could be ignorant of the rising risks to his son by having a seizure. He wished he would wake up from this nightmare he had wandered in to.

Clearing his throat, he finally spoke. "Robin, I think...we need to be realistic about Patrick."

"I am being" she answered slowly, uncomfortable with the direction Noah was headed in.

"Every surgery he has increases the risk of permanent brain damage. The aphasia could become permanent and there any other number of complications that could and likely will arise. You need to prepare yourself that the Patrick who comes out of this surgery will probably be very different than the one you know."

Robin stared at him, unblinking, for several beats. "People don't fundamentally change who they are Noah. We may change on the outside, we may change our opinions or our thought processes but the foundation, the core of who we are remains the same. I don't care if Patrick can speak clearly or if I spend a lifetime reading notes that he scribbles on a dry erase board - I love him. I love who he is at his core."

The corners of his mouth twitched upwards into a small smile. She was a remarkable young woman and his son was a lucky man but he also knew that it was easy to be brave while the outcome was still unknown. The cold light of day was the true test of courage. He promised himself that he would be supportive of her if she ever chose to walk away. His son had had no greater supporter as an adult but she was entitled to a life as well and he did not want to see her squander it if Patrick could not return the support.

He also vowed, no matter what the outcome, that he would take care of his son.

"Patrick hit the jackpot with you" he told her softly.

"Well then, it was a big payday because I hit it too." Tipping her head back against the wall, she stared up at the ceiling, her legs still bouncing. Time seemed remarkably fluid. When she was with Patrick, hearing his heart beating as they laid in his bed the minutes seemed to race by but here, waiting for information, it seemed each minute lasted an hour. "I'm craving a cheeseburger" she announced.

"And chili fries" Noah added with a smile.

She nodded. "And one of Mike's extra thick chocolate shakes."

"Do you think we could get him to deliver?"

"It would be worth a shot" she laughed. "Because if I eat one more mystery meat sandwich here I may just start eating the cardboard instead."

"Robin, Noah"

Eric's voice brought their light hearted conversation to a screeching halt and both looked anxiously at the tall doctor as he crossed the threshold, closing the door behind him. He was pale and his brow seemed to be permanently knit in a frown.

Noah stood up. Whatever the news was he was going to take it on his feet - he was going to take as he should have all those years ago. "How did it go?"

Eric tiredly dragged his hand through his hair and nodded. "It went okay. He had some internal bleeding which was what caused the seizure. We fixed that and I inserted radiation seeds to the affected area and a chemo wafer. That should take care of any residual pieces of the tumour that aren't visible or accessible."

"What about the aphasia?" Robin asked.

He shook his head. "Too soon to tell. We'll only know when he's concious."

Noah studied Eric carefully and could almost see words formed on the tip of his tongue that he had not yet said. "What else happened?" he asked, hoping it was the push he needed to set the words free.

Eric chewed on his bottom lip, his eyes cast downwards. He had not been sure whether or not he would tell them about his heart stopping; there was little to be gained from it yet he did not believe in keeping secrets. Inhaling sharply, he raised his eyes to Noah's. "He arrested on the table-"

Noah's knees trembled and a strangled sob escaped from the back of Robin's mouth.

Eric's stomach pitched and rolled as a wave of nausea washed over him. "We were able to establish a normal rhythm quickly and there were no further cardiac incidents during surgery."

"Wh-when can we see him?" Robin stammered trying to get the image of Patrick's heart stopping from her mind. It had been terrifying the first time when he collapsed at the apartment but to know it happened a second time left her breathless.

"He should be back in his room in a hour" he told her quietly. "Do you guys have any other questions?" Though he didn't want to rush them, he was getting desperate to get out of the room. His pulse was racing and a cold sweat was trickling down his back.

"No" Noah answered for both of them. "We'll go ahead to Patrick's room and wait for him there. Eric, thank you - for everything."

Giving a curt nod and turning on his heel headed out the door. Noah sank back into the chair, grateful that they had all dodged another bullet.

xxxx

Eric sprinted down the hally throwing open the door to his office. Falling to his knees he gripped the waste basket and groaned as his stomach turned. He retched and heaved for several minutes before finally sitting back on his heels. He jumped slightly as a wet cloth was passed to him. Taking it, he wiped his mouth and turned around.

"Did I look that green?" he asked quietly, his throat raw.

Robin smiled wryly. "Pretty much" she told him. "Are you okay?"

He shrugged. "I'm not the one who had to survive two surgeries in two days so I'm okay."

"Right. You're just the one who had to do two surgeries in two days - on your best friend." She sat down on the floor beside him and gently touched his arm. "Eric, please don't think that I haven't recognized the toll this is taking on you. Patrick is very lucky to have you on his side - he's trusted you with you his life and I can't think of a better choice."

"Thank you" he whispered, wiping at his mouth again. "I...it was harder than I thought it would be. And I'm sorry if I have come across as being difficult or obstructionist - I'm just trying to do things in a way that makes it as easy on all of us as possible."

"That's the problem though, isn't it? There is just no making this easy."

He shook his head. "How...how are you keeping it together?"

"Chewing gum and a shoelace" she teased lightly. Eric smirked. "Honestly? I don't know. I think if I were to stop and think about it - about the enormity of it all, of everything that could go wrong I would probably be a basket case by now. I think I'm just dealing with one thing at a time."

"You're pretty smart, you know that?"

She grinned. "In fact I do." She exhaled slowly. "When was the last time you slept?"

"I'm used to operating on little sleep," he replied.

"That wasn't my question" she admonished him kindly. "Eric, you have been gently pushing Noah and I to rest and eat and take a break but you need to do the same."

He smiled as he rose to his feet, extending his hand to her and pulling her up. "I will" he promised. "Just as soon as he's out of the woods." What Eric didn't say, what he could barely admit to himself was that he had no idea when that would happen.

xxxxx

Seated at Patrick's bedside, his glasses perched halfway down his nose, Noah opened the black leather bound book and began to read out loud.

"We brought Patrick home today and I swear it was the slowest I have ever driven the car in my life. Mattie teased me mercilessly about losing my edge so quickly but having watched him enter the world two short days ago and holding his wriggling, squirming body in my arms I know that I will do whatever it takes to keep him safe from any danger the world has to offer.

When I hold him, he curls his tiny, long fingers around my shirt and I think that my heart might explode right out of my chest. Such a tiny, perfect little being who was conceived in love and represents the very best that his mother and I have to offer this world. When his first loud wail echoed through the delivery room, my heart seemed to recognize him instantly and proclaimed proudly that this is my son.

As I write this, I am sitting in bed beside my beloved Mattie. Patrick is lying on her chest and they are both dozing. I thought there was no greater gift that Mattie could give me than loving me but I had not counted on what a blessing and sense of completion our child would be. He has long, thick lashes and the tiniest of ruffles from his breathing are the only noise in the room. I wonder if he is dreaming? And what is he dreaming of? Is he imagining big things? Great adventures? Does he know he's loved?

My son is going to take me on a most remarkable journey and I can't wait to see where we go."

A lone tear splattered on to the open page and Noah swiped at his eyes to prevent any more from falling. Reaching over to the bed, he squeezed his son's hand. "We have more adventures ahead of us Patty - so many more and I can't wait to see what's next."

Patrick's hand jerked under his father's touch and his eyes flew open.