Chapter 91

In your eyes, the resolution of all the fruitless searches

Noah shot out of his chair. "Patrick?"

His eyes darted around the room, unfocused as his breathing became shallow. Noah rubbed his hand and touched his cheek. "You're okay Patrick" he reassured him waiting for his son to find him through the fog. It took only another minute before Patrick's eyes locked on his and Noah smiled gratefully. "You're okay."

Patrick swallowed thickly, his tongue feeling fat in his mouth. He opened his mouth several times to speak but found forming any words a difficult and time consuming task. He greedily accepted the ice chips that were pressed to his lips and sucked on them. He closed his eyes and exhaled slowly as the cool liquid from the ice quenched the raw fire in his throat. Opening his eyes, he did his best to smile at his father.

"D-dad" he whispered.

Noah's eyes widened in surprise. "Hey sport" he greeted him, his voice thick with gratitude at hearing his son's voice.

Patrick groped to form more words but could not seem to make his lips and his voice react in the way he wanted. He blew out his cheeks in frustration and looked to his father for some explanation.

Noah sighed silently. His son was not free of the aphasia. "Patrick, if you can understand me I want you to blink once."

His rich brown eyes were wide with worry but the soothing sound of his father's voice helped to calm him somewhat. He kept his eyes on his father and blinked once. Confusion was closing in on him. It was clear he was in the hospital but he did not know for what. It was serious - it had to be for his father to be at his bedside looking as though he had not slept in a week. He tentatively lifted his hand and brought it to his cheek. Feeling the prickly stubble against his fingertips he was surprised to realize it had been a couple of days, if not a week. He looked back to his father for some sort of explanation.

"I'm going to call the doctor, okay? I'll be right back. Promise me you'll stay put? No getting up, okay?"

Patrick blinked again.

Noah clenched his eyes shut in frustration as he headed to the door. He wanted off the roller coaster but it appeared the ride was not quite done yet. Stopping at the Nurses' Station, he asked them to page Doctor Smitherman urgently before returning back to Patrick's room. As he pulled the door open to Patrick's room, he could not keep the small smile from his face as he saw Patrick's eyes glued to the door with an expectant look on his face. He was clearly anxious for him to return and there had been a time, not so long ago, when that would not have been the case.

"Eric is on his way" he told him as he closed the door behind him. "He'll be pleased to see you're awake." The puzzled look on Patrick's face gave Noah pause. "Patrick," he began slowly, "do you know who I am?"

Patrick blinked once and swallowing deliberately pushed his breath through his lips. "D-dad" he said again.

"Oh my goodness, you're speaking" Robin exclaimed as she came through the door with Eric. Bolting past Noah she made her way to his bed and pressed her lips to his. "Oh baby" she sighed happily, "you're okay."

Smiling weakly, Patrick reached up with his hand and ran his fingertips along her lips, delighting in their softness. "Moobin" he said, panting from the effort of getting her name out.

Robin bit down on the inside of her cheek as she realized that he was not as far advanced as she had hoped. Linking her fingers through his, she squeezed his hand. "I'm so glad you're awake."

Looking over her shoulder and seeing his best friend watching him studiously his pulse started to race. Clearly, whatever was wrong with him required the intervention of his friend and yet he was at a loss to think of what could be so wrong with him that his friend was his doctor.

Eric stepped forward and removing his pen light from his pocket checked the reaction of his pupils. He was not surprised as Patrick winced from the flash of light but was pleased to see his reactions were as they should be. "Patrick, is my name Stephen?"

Screwing up his face, Patrick blinked twice.

"Is it Eric?"

He blinked once.

"And that is MaryAnne?" he asked pointing to Robin.

He blinked twice.

"Robin?"

He blinked once.

"Good," he smiled reassuringly. "It appears that the aphasia has not improved in the way I hoped but we're going to watch and wait for a few days and see if it might clear up on its own."

There was something about the questioning look on Patrick's face that sent a cold sweat down Eric's back. He seemed confused and surprised as though he was unaware of having aphasia. "Patrick, do you know why you're here?"

He blinked twice.

"Oh no" Robin sighed quietly, gripping his hand tighter.

Noah placed a reassuring hand on his son's shoulder and hoped that it would help quell the panic he could see thundering through his son. He tried to remind himself that his ability to recognize the people in the room was a strong positive and that his confusion was temporary.

Reaching for the dry erase board on the night stand, he passed him the pen. "Can you grip this for me?"

Patrick accepted the pen and held it between his fingers. He was still at a loss to understand what had landed him in this hospital bed and was trying hard not to give in to the fear that was threatening to suffocate him. He signalled for the board and Eric passed it to him. His hand shook as he struggled to write. Finishing his question, he turned the board around.

What happened to me?

Eric looked at Robin who was shaking her head in disbelief.

"Patrick, what month is it?" he asked.

His mouth twisted to the side and his brow was knit in concentration as he tried to think of the answer. He wrote down two different answers, swiping them off before finally writing a third one.

September.

"Pantsy, do you have any idea why you're here?"

He looked to Robin and then to his father. "Dad?" he asked.

Noah swallowed down his own panic and put his hand on his arm. "It's okay if you don't know Patty. Just answer," he told him quietly.

Looking back to Eric he blinked twice.

Eric let go of a long, slow breath. "Do you trust me?"

Patrick wrote again on the board.

Yes

"Okay. Then I need you to trust me right now because until I determine exactly what is going on I can't fill in all your blanks. You had surgery today and everything went very well. You have aphasia but as I said we're going to take a wait and see approach for a couple of days to see if as the swelling in your brain reduces, your speech improves. Does that make sense to you?"

He blinked.

"I know you're scared" he told him, "but we're going to take this one step at a time making sure we rule out every possible complication and get you back on your feet.Okay?"

Patrick swiped his fist against the board and hastily scribbled another message.

Am I dying?

"No" Eric told him confidently. "You have a lot of life to live yet. I'm just going talk to your dad and Robin outside for a minute and then they'll be back in. Before I go, I want to make sure you're comfortable. On a scale of 1 to 10, what is your pain?"

3

"Good. We're just going to be in the hall for a minute." He jerked his head in the direction of the door and both Noah and Robin followed him out.

Robin leaned against the wall, hoping it would support her. Her confidence, her absolute belief that everything was going to be okay was slowly starting to slip away. The aphasia seemed like a surmountable hurdle before but coupled with what appeared to be at best, confusion and at worst, short term memory loss, she was less sure about the road ahead.

"What are you thinking Eric?" she asked quietly.

"You tell me" he suggested kindly. "What did you see?"

She shoved her hands in her pocket and took a deep breath. He was looking for a medical opinion when what she truly saw was the future, their future moving ever so slightly out of reach. "Memory loss, confusion, aphasia."

"The memory loss is quite specific" he added nodding his head. "He knew you but thinks it's September. He doesn't remember the tumour or everything that followed from it."

"Do you think he's repressing?" Noah asked softly.

Eric slung his hands on his hips and shook his head. "I don't think so. This could be temporary but it's hard to say right now. I think the best thing we can do is feed him bits and pieces of information when he is most alert. If he is fatigued or struggling, we're better delaying because it'll be difficult to know how he'll process it then."

"What do you think of his ability to say 'dad'?" Robin asked.

It was juvenile, she knew, but she was terribly jealous that he had said that but was unable to say her name. What she wouldn't give to hear her name on his lips. She knew that he knew her but it was not the same as hearing him call to her, feel the vibration in his voice as he said her name. He had a way of saying her name that could make her, quite simply, go weak in the knees.

"I think it means the aphasia is not as severe in some ways as we originally thought. He's also saying a name that is easily accesible in his mind because it's been there for so long. Not to mention," he added with a sympathetic smile, "that Ds are easier to wrap a fat tongue around than Rs"

Robin gave him a small grateful smile.

"Are we all agreed on the game plan going foward?" he asked.

They both nodded. Noah opened his mouth to speak and quickly shut it. Sucking in a deep breath, he tried again. "Eric, I would...I wou- could I see his films?" he asked. "I'm not trying to second guess you" he added quickly, "I just think..I think I would feel better if I could see them."

"Of course" he agreed. "Let's go to my office."

Robin smiled at both men, excusing herself. "I'm going to go be with him." Pulling herself from the wall, she walked back to his room.

xxxx

"Hey" she greeted him as she came through the door. "You still doing okay?"

Patrick furrowed his brow and scratched at his growing beard.

Robin grinned as he indicated his obvious dislike of his new look. "Is it scratchy?"

He blinked.

She cupped his cheek with her hand. "Maybe we can take care of it tomorrow" she offered. "Provided you trust me with a razor" she amended, waggling her eyebrows.

Patrick gave her a smirk in response and turning his head slightly, kissed the palm of her hand. Robin closed her eyes at the feel of his lips against her skin - it was a sensation she could never get enough of. He tapped the board with the pen. Robin looked down and let out a small gasp.

Do you still love me?

Her eyes filled to the brim with tears as her hand swept across his chest. "With all my heart" she whispered tearfully. "We're going to get through this Patrick - together."

Smiling as best he could, he gave a small nod of his head. He had needed to know that they were still a team. If he couldn't know just yet what was wrong, he needed to know that she would be with him. If he had that, he knew anything was possible.