Chapter 96
My hands are barely holding up my head
As tears blurred her eyes Robin careened down the hallway. Her heart was racing so fast it was as though it might beat right out of her chest. It was all crumbling around her – she had tried so hard to keep it together, tried to be strong enough, supportive enough but it didn't matter. None of it mattered.
Throwing open the door, she barged into the office. "You said you would fix him" she hurled through gritted teeth. "And you didn't."
Shocked, Eric looked up from his notes and swallowed thickly as he saw the angry young woman before him. Her cheeks were bright red and her face pinched; she trembled with fury as she stood before him and her pain was palpable.
She looked on the outside as he felt on the inside.
"Robin" he said softly, rising from his chair and walking towards her. "Has something happened?"
"You mean other than him not remembering ANYTHING? We s-s-said things to each other," she stammered, "we shared things and he can't remember it. He has NO CLUE about any of it. What did you do to him?" she demanded hotly, willing herself not to cry.
There had to be someone to blame for this. There had to be a place to lay fault because the alternative meant that it was random and that maybe there would be no fixing it. She had come through too much for this not to work out.
He continued to move towards her and gently put an arm on her shoulder. "Robin, you need to calm down" he suggested quietly, "you're winding yourself up-"
Slapping his hand away, she missed the painful grimace on his face as she made contact with his bandaged wrist. "Don't fucking patronize me" she hissed. "Don't you dare patronize me."
"I'm not trying to patronize you" he answered slowly. She was coming apart in front of his very eyes and the knowledge that he had contributed to this or even caused it, pierced his chest making it difficult to breathe.
"You have done nothing" she accused, "NOTHING to help him remember. You act like your job here is done, well it's not. When he woke up the first time he remembered everything – EVERYTHING! It was only when you went back in that he lost his memory. So tell me Eric, what did you do? Hmm?"
His light blue eyes shimmered with tears. His own guilt was eating at him and Robin's words were like salt on the wound. "I don't know" he replied in a small voice.
His acknowledgement was the just the pole she needed to tether her fear and pain to and she took full advantage. "You don't know?" she snickered. "But you know you did something?"
xxxxx
Patrick stood in the hallway, gripping his i.v. pole and felt his chest tighten. Without a doubt in his mind he knew that something had happened leading up to his tumour. His girlfriend and his best friend were like two people drowning with one pulling the other one down with him. He had done this to them and he didn't know how to fix it but he knew he needed to somehow.
His head throbbed as he stood listening.
"Patrick?"
Looking over his shoulder, he saw his father walking towards him.
"Sport, what are you doing out of-" As the raised voices from inside the office spilled out into the hall, Noah stopped mid sentence. "Oh."
"Dad" he said hoarsely with a pleading look in his eyes.
Noah took hold of him underneath his shoulder. "Son, you need to get back to bed."
He shook his head, grimacing from the pain. "N-n-no"
"Patty," he told him softly, "you can't stop what's happening in there. It has been building for a while and they need to lance the wound."
His rich brown eyes misted over and his face crumpled. The two people he swore he would never hurt were tearing themselves and each other apart over him. It was almost more than he could bear.
xxxxx
Eric gritted his teeth. "I don't know Robin. Do you think you are the only person here who is reeling? I close my eyes at night and the only thing I dream of – the ONLY thing is his surgery. And every night I see some new mistake – a slip of the hand, a piece of the tumour not removed – and I wake up in a cold sweat. I don't know if I did something to cause this Robin and it is killing me."
His words faintly penetrated her armour. "You aren't doing anything to fix it either" she hissed.
"What would you have me do? You know as well as I do that there isn't a whole lot available to fix it and what is available is high risk"
"And we all know how you feel about risk" she shot back.
He sighed heavily as the shot landed exactly where she had hoped it would. "I am no cowboy" he told her. "And I am not going to put any patient, least of all this one, in a situation where I am less than confident of the outcome. I am a good surgeon Robin – maybe even a great one and I have been preparing my whole life for this. When I came out on the other side of cancer and realized all that I had lost just to stay alive, I knew then that I was meant to dedicate my life to being the best fucking surgeon I can be and that's what I've done."
Tears streamed down her face. She had someone to blame, someone who was taking responsibility for the situation and yet she felt no better. There was no relief to the burden on her heart and in her mind. She felt as though she was crumbling and all she wanted was for someone to feel as badly as she did.
"Well you failed"
Eric staggered backwards as though he had been hit. Hearing the words out loud that had been taunting him in his head for so long unleashed a torrent of emotions that he had been holding at bay for a very long time. His worries about not being enough – either as a man or a doctor – seemed to be confirmed.
"I'm sorry" he croaked, his voice thickening with tears sliding down his throat. "Robin, I am so sorry"
"It's not enough!!" she cried as she ran from the room.
She skidded to a stop as she came face to face with Patrick in the hall. She was mortified that he had heard her, embarrassed that she was no longer able to hold it together.
He took a step towards her, desperate to hold her in his arms but she moved away from him. With a shake of her head, she sprinted down the hall and out of sight. He looked to his father.
"P-p-please" he said. It took so much energy for him to get the word out.
"I'll go" he told him, "right after I get you back into bed."
"I'll take him" Eric said quietly, coming to the door. "I can't help Robin but I think you might be able to."
Noah looked from his son to his friend and back again. The anguished, pleading look on his son's face was all he needed. He nodded and headed down the hall.
Taking Patrick under his arm, he slowly led him back to his room. "You must be out of your mind" he admonished him quietly. "I know you may have some short term memory issues but you didn't forget your medical training and you know you have no business getting out of bed without assistance."
Patrick opened his mouth to protest but as per usual, the words would not come. He groaned in frustration at his lack of communication. At least in his room there was the board and the time had come for him to get some answers. And Eric was going to give them to him.
Perspiring and breathing heavily by the time they got back to his room, he was grateful to see his bed. He groaned as Eric tucked his legs under the blanket and he sank back into the pillows.
As he readjusted his i.v. bag, Eric looked at him over his shoulder. "I bet your head is pounding something fierce" he surmised. When Patrick gave him a slight nod, he stepped out in the hallway and ordered some pain medication for him. When he came back into the room, his friend was holding up the board.
I want answers
He smiled weakly. "I don't suppose you're playing a game of 'finish that movie quote'?" he joked tiredly.
Patrick narrowed his eyes. What happened to your wrist?
"I sprained it" he replied, not quite meeting his eyes.
How? And don't lie – I'll find out
Rolling his eyes, he exhaled slowly. "I punched a wall."
Dumbass
"Thanks very much asshole" he shot back.
You and Robin are falling apart. Because of me. What did I do?
"You didn't do anything. I'm fine. Robin is really worried about you and-" He didn't finish his sentence as Patrick angrily slammed the board against the table.
I am not deaf. I am not stupid. Tell me how bad it was. You are beating yourself up – why?
Closing his eyes, he sank down on the edge of his friend's bed. "You were very sick Patrick," he told him quietly. "Your surgery was scheduled for last Thursday but you had a seizure that left you unresponsive. You arrested and Robin revived you."
Several tears trickled down from the corners of his eyes as he took one shallow breath after another. Looking at Eric, he begged him for more.
"The first surgery went well- you were recovering nicely but you had another seizure and we needed to go back in. You had some internal haemorrhaging but we were able to control it."
How sick was I before?
A few tears slid from his face and landed on the white board.
"Very" he told him softly. "You had gone through radiation, steroids and were on chemo. We had to give you a feeding tube as you weren't tolerating the side effects of the chemo very well at all. The tumour was growing at a rapid rate and you were losing both sensitivity and fine motor ability in your hands."
He had wanted the truth, there was no doubt but hearing it – trying to imagine what it was like to live like that – knocked the breath from his body. It didn't make sense but he was suddenly afraid. He was afraid for the pain he may have endured, for the pain those around him endured and he was suddenly worried about what came next.
The amazing thing about not remembering the last six months was the freedom it gave him to live in the moment and concentrate on exactly what was before him. But that was all away now and as he clenched his jaw to stop himself from crying out, he was apprehensive about what came next.
"Look dude" Eric started gently, seeing the worry on his friend's face. "There is a lot of road yet to cover and we'll do it. You're progressing really well and I'm pleased with the return of your fine motor skills. Though if you get out of bed again unassisted, I am going to put you in restraints."
Patrick smiled weakly and scribbled another message on the board.
How did you become my doctor?
Dropping his eyes to the floor, he took several quiet breaths to gather himself before looking back at him. "Because you asked me to."
Echoes of conversations and arguments rang in his head but nothing concrete enough to fill in any of his other missing pieces.
Patting his leg, Eric rose to his feet. "I know you're worried about Robin but try and get some rest. Your dad will take good care of her."
Giving a watery smile he nodded and wrote quickly.
Stop punching walls.
Smiling wryly, he nodded. "Yes boss"
As he was left alone in the stony silence of his room Patrick could not help but think there was so much more to the story than anyone was telling him.
xxxx
Noah could hear her quiet sobs as he climbed the stairs to the top floor. When he got there, she was sitting on the last step with her head cradled in her hands. A steady stream of tears fell into her lap leaving dark splotches on her jeans where they landed. He sat down beside her and waited.
With one shuddering breath after another, she gulped at the air. She held her necklace in her hands running her fingertips over and over the outline.
"H-he didn't remember giving it to me" she said quietly.
"And that was hard" Noah offered.
She nodded. "I….I need him to remember" she whimpered quietly. "He has to remember."
"Why?" Noah prodded gently.
"Because" She let out a strangled sob, her eyes still firmly glued to her lap. "Because I can't be the only one who remembers. I'm tired of being the only one – of not being able to share my memories."
"What do you mean?"
"I'm the only one who remembers" she said sadly. "It's always me alone with the memories because everyone else is gone or dead. There is no one in my life who remembers my grandmother except my parents but they aren't around. My stepfather was one the most important people in my life but I have no one to talk about him with. And I am alone with the memories of Stone." She gulped for air. "For so long it was just me because Sonny wanted nothing to do with me and now it's happening again. I f-f-finally fall in love again and some of the most amazing moments happened in the last six months and he…..he has no idea."
"Oh Robin" he sighed, gathering the young woman in his arms. She dampened his shirt as her tears poured down her face and her body was wracked with sobs. "Shhh" he soothed. "It's okay Robin – you're going to be okay."
He understood how destabilizing that feeling could be. He had been so successfully in pushing people out of his life that in those rare moments when he had been sober, there had been no one to talk about Mattie with. Memories could be a comfort but unshared, they tended to grow in weight and heft. The mind could play terrible tricks and leave you wondering if the memories were real or something you imagined.
Her face was buried against his shoulder as she continued to cry. Now that she had given voice to her fears, the floodgates opened. Noah simply held her and let her cry. He knew he was a poor substitute for his son but hoped it was enough for her to hold on to.
As the tears finally dried, she lifted her head and looked at him through her puffy, swollen eyes. "I'm not doing very well" she admitted quietly.
"I know sweetheart" he agreed with a small smile. "I think more than anything what you need right now is to rest. Robin, you have been through so much in the last year and any number of these things would have sent a lesser person to their knees. It's okay to say you need a break."
"I don't want him to feel alone."
"The only thing Patrick is feeling right now is worried about you. He is much more sensitive to other people's behaviour and feelings than most people know and even if he didn't love you like mad, he'd still know you were having a hard time."
"There have been conversations and moments in the last six months that were some of the most amazing, honest and loving that I have ever experienced."
"Are you worried that if he had to do over again, he might choose differently?"
Her brown eyes shimmered again with tears. "Maybe" she whispered, swiping at her eyes.
"I know my son" he told her with a smile, "and I know that there is nothing that can change how he feels about you."
Her bottom lip quivered as she opened her mouth to speak. "I have been really mean to you and Eric and I am so very sorry."
He shook his head. "No apologies needed on my end." Reaching for her hand, he gave it a squeeze. "Here's what I'd like to do and I want you tell me if you're okay with it. I want to take you back to Eric's place – Alexis is there – and we'll make some dinner and then I'd like you to go to bed, with a small sedative, and sleep."
"I don't like the idea of a sedative," she protested quietly.
"I know but I don't think you've slept more than about 2 hours a night for the last five days. No one can function like that and your ability – anyone's ability – to cope with what life throws at them is severely compromised when they're exhausted."
"What about Patrick?"
"Once we get you settled, then I'll come back and tell him where things are at. Then after you're more rested, you can come back to the hospital and be with him."
She covered her mouth with her hand and inhaled sharply.
"It's a pace not a race" he told her, "and we have a long road ahead of us." Standing up, he held his hand out to her. "What do you say?"
Robin was still for several beats as she tried to ignore the voice in her head that told her she was quitting. Darren's words about emotional immunity being as important as physical immunity suddenly drowned out everything else and with a tearful smile she nodded and placed her hand in his.