I hold my breath as this life starts to take its toll
I hide behind a smile as this perfect plan unfolds
But, oh, God, I feel I've been lied to
Lost all faith in the things I have achieved

Fall 2014

"Where is he?"

The CIA agent in the chair in front of her stared ahead blankly. They had captured him about three hours ago and he hadn't told them anything. They needed to be more forceful, but Bryce was the torturing kind. He'd leave that part to her. Sarah watched as Bryce crossed in front of her and crouched down so he'd be eye level with the agent.

"Look, I know you think we're the bad guys, but we're not. We don't want to hurt anybody. Just tell us where your partner is. All we want is answers."

The agent laughed. Bryce looked back at her, but she just shrugged. "You think you're the good guys? I've heard stories about Fulcrum and none of them are good."

"We can't be all bad if the CIA's top agent decided to join us," Bryce replied motioning back toward her.

The agent peered at her. She stared right back at him and after a moment he broke his gaze and looked back at Bryce. "Even the best of people can be brainwashed into something."

"She wasn't brainwashed. Agent Walker saw the light. She believes in our cause. You will to. Just tell us what we want to know and we can all get on with our day."

"Go to Hell."

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Sarah was up out of her chair. She grabbed the agent by his collar, lifted him up, and threw him against the wall. "I don't think you understand. You don't mean a thing to me. Your partner, on the other hand, we need him. The only way you'll stay alive is if you help us."

The agent stayed silent. Sarah picked him up from the ground and threw him against the opposite wall. She kicked him in the stomach as he fell to the floor. He spit out blood and looked up at her with a smirk. Sarah pulled a knife out of her waistband and was about to throw it at him when Bryce pulled her back. "What are you doing? The Director said not to hurt him."

"He said to keep him alive. There's a difference."

Bryce narrowed his eyes at her. It was a look she had seen many times before. It always looked like he was surprised at the things she was doing. You think he'd be used to it by now. "Maybe you should go for a walk. I can handle this."

"Can you?"

"Go."

And I've woken now to find myself
In the shadows of a lie I've created
I'm longing to be lost in you
Away from this place I've made
Won't you take me away from me?

Chuck could not wait to get out. He was living in a small house off the coast of Panama. He had only been there five months, but he couldn't take it anymore. It was too isolated. The nearest market was a four hour drive away. He learned to stock up on things he needed. There was no internet, no phone service, nothing. All he did now was work out, read, and think. That was all there was to do. The working out benefited him though. He was pretty muscular now. If Morgan saw him like this he'd be freaked out. He'd say he looked like some video game character. His muscles weren't the only thing different about his appearance. He had a full beard and his hair was very short. Chuck has shaved it all off in the last town he lived in and now he was growing it back.

He finally knew a little about how Sarah felt about changing identities so much. He changed his name, appearance, interests, and pretty much everything every time he moved. It was strange, but it made him feel better. It also made it easier to disappear. He'd acquired quite the skill set in the past five years. He could speak Spanish, French, Russian, and was working on Italian. With so much time alone the languages weren't too hard to learn. Handling a gun was also something he was a lot better at now. His skills were nowhere close to Sarah's, but he could hold his own. About a year ago he bought an old guitar off of a small boy and taught himself to play. He left it at his house in Brazil when he moved. For some reason he always felt depressed playing it.

Now he only had a few more days before he would leave again. This time he was going home. He was so tired of running and hiding. It wasn't the kind of life he wanted to live. Chuck realized that he may not make it long in the States, but at least he would be able to see his sister again. After that, he was ready for whatever was going to happen. The trip would take awhile, but he was prepared. He only planned on stopping a few places along the way. He wanted to get back as soon as possible.

Crawling through this world as disease flows through my veins
I'm looking to myself but my own heart has been changed
I can't go on like this
I loathe all I've become

Sarah left the room with little protest. Honestly, she didn't want to be there anyway. Interrogating people hadn't been the reason she joined Fulcrum. Sometimes she couldn't even remember why she joined in the first place. Fortunately, today wasn't one of those days. She was more focused than ever. She just had to get through the next few days. It was cold in the hallway, but Sarah refused to shiver. Showing weakness was something she hadn't done in years. There were a lot of things she hadn't done in years.

She walked outside and her black mission gear did little to keep out the cold Canadian air. All she wore now was mission gear. The perfect little soldier. Bryce called her that once. It pissed her off, but he was right. She didn't even recognize herself anymore. Her hair was a dark brown now, almost black. She had to dye it for a mission a few years ago and just left it. There was also a long scar across her right eye. It started at the center of her forehead and ended about the middle of her cheek. It was visible, but with enough make up she could make it go away. She never covered it up though. It made people remember she wasn't to be messed with.

Looking out over the forest outside their compound, Sarah felt tired. Not just tired, but weary all the way to your bones exhausted. She didn't sleep much. It wasn't falling asleep that was the problem; it was the fear of waking up and still being stuck in this life. The trouble was that she wasn't forced into this, but she didn't choose it either. She was stuck in a gray area that she couldn't leave. Not yet, anyway. In weak moments like these she would usually allow her mind to wonder to Chuck. It bothered her that she couldn't remember the sound of his voice or the way he smelled. The only thing concrete in her life was the picture of him in her mind. When she thought of him, he was always smiling. That goofy grin got her through a lot of tough nights.

I've woken now to find myself
In the shadows of a lie I've created
I'm longing to be lost in you
Away from this place I've made
Won't you take me away from me?

Chuck went through the last of the boxes in the house. Most of the stuff he would leave for whoever bought it next and the other stuff he would destroy. There could be no trace of him left here. He had a routine every time he left a place. First he would gut the house and throw all of his stuff in the middle of a room. It was never much. Then he would sort out the stuff he wanted to keep. Clothes mostly, food, and a few books he needed to finish. The stuff he didn't want he'd either leave or burn. It was a strange feeling watching his stuff burn. Each time he would lose a part of himself that he felt he'd never get back. This time was different. This time he would burn everything. He didn't need it. He didn't want it. All it would do was remind him of the life he hated.

He walked outside and started a small fire. Chuck threw in all his clothes, books, and the fake id that said his name was Eduardo Morales. He walked back into the house and noticed an untouched box poking out from under his bed.

"What the hell?"

He pulled it out and set it on his bed. Why did he not remember it? Then he opened it and realized why. It was all the stuff he kept from his old life. The clothes he wore the day he left, his driver's license, a pile of unsent letters he wrote to Ellie and Morgan. He hadn't looked at this stuff in years. For a moment he thought about reading the letters again. It might help him remember his old self. Instead he just picked up the box and headed out toward the fire. The letters were the first thing to go in, then his driver's license, and his clothes. As he picked up his jeans a small picture fell out. He tossed the jeans in the fire and leaned down to pick it up.

His heart constricted as his eyes fell on the beautiful blonde. It was a picture of them outside his old apartment. They were sitting by the fountain. Sarah was on his lap and he had his arms wrapped around her. It was on Thanksgiving. They had all just eaten and he and Sarah had gone outside to get some air. Ellie came out wanting a picture and Sarah immediately jumped onto his lap and pulled his arms around her. She then laid her head back against his shoulder and smiled like she meant it. And maybe she had. His smile had matched hers. They looked like the perfect couple. Words could not express how much he missed Sarah. He was still horrified at what he did to her. You do what you have to to survive. She told him that once.

With one last glance at the picture he threw it in the fire and watched as the edges scorched and their smiles melted. In that moment he realized he couldn't be that person. He wasn't Chuck Bartowski anymore. Chuck Bartowski was dead.

He was a ghost.

Lost in a dying world I reach for something warm
I have grown so weary of this life I live

Sarah turned and walked back into the building. She should go check on Bryce and see if he got anything out of the agent. If not she was willing to so what needed to be done. Bryce was never good at seeing when that point came. Agent Perotta passed her in the hallway. She was a newer recruit and had only been around for about five months. Sarah had to admit that she was promising and very skilled in the field. Perotta didn't even look at her as she passed. People stopped acknowledging Sarah a long time ago. They were too scared of her. The fact that she killed an agent for looking at her wrong was probably another factor that contributed to that.

An alarm sounded and Sarah sighed.

"Damn it Bryce."

Agent Perotta stopped in her tracks and reached for her gun. She seemed nervous. She always seemed nervous. Sarah filed that information in her brain and would investigate later. They heard loud footfalls then yelling coming from the other hallway. A figure turned the corner quickly and stopped in his tracks when he saw them.

"You're not going anywhere," Perotta said pointing her gun at him. The agent looked at Perotta then to Sarah. Making up his mind, he rushed Perotta. They fought for a moment then he was able to take her gun. He pointed it at Sarah and she rolled her eyes. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Bryce and a group of other agents run to the opening of the hallway. Without hesitation she kicked the gun out of the agent's hands, stepped forward, and then snapped his neck. She dusted her hands off on her jacket as he fell to the ground.

"We need better security around here," she said. The other agents chuckled as they picked up the body. All of them except for Bryce. He looked horrified. It was a look she was used to seeing from him, but this time was different. He was looking through her like she wasn't really there. And she wasn't. The Sarah he used to know was dead. She had been dead for a long time.

Now she was just a ghost.

A/N: The song is this chapter is Away From Me by Evanescence. Big thanks to Jen (M4dh4tt3r) for finding it for me. And I promise the rest of the chapters won't be as sad and depressing as the past few lol. Thanks for the reviews.