Chapter 97
All I can do is love you to pieces
Give you a shoulder
to cry on when you need it
Alexis rapped lightly on the door before gently pushing it open. "I've made some tea" she said, smiling as she came through the door. "It's on the list of the five things I can make without poisoning people."
Robin managed a weak smile and waved her in.
True to his word, Noah had taken her back to Eric's apartment and set her up in Patrick's room. She had rifled through his drawers and finding an old battered sweatshirt, slid it over her head and wrapped the soft cotton around her. She had pulled the collar to his nose and closed her eyes as she inhaled his scent. Her muscles and bones had screamed with exhaustion and as she crawled under the covers she suddenly could not imagine where she would get the strength to get out of bed again.
Noah had left a sleeping pill on the nightstand and reassured her again that he would take care of Patrick while she rested. She had heard the hushed tones outside the bedroom door, no doubt he had been bringing Alexis up to speed on her meltdown. Normally she would have cringed at the mere hint of anyone knowing she had crumbled but she was too tired, too wrung out to care.
She accepted the steaming mug from Alexis and wrapped her hands around it. The heat from it slowly worked its way through her, bringing some much needed warmth to her.
"How are you doing?" she asked, sitting down on the edge of the bed.
"I freaked out" she admitted in a small voice. Her gaze dropped to the steam billowing from the mug.
Alexis gave a small shrug. "We all hit the wall sooner or later Robin and there is no shame in that."
"No but there can be in how you handle it as you run into the wall and I-" her eyes misted over again. Every time she was sure she was cried out, more tears would appear. As she swiped hurriedly at them, convinced she now had an unending supply, she shook her head. "I was awful Alexis - I was mean to Noah and I was...I have been cruel to Eric."
Putting a comforting hand on her leg, Alexis smiled. "Robin, you are one of the kindest people I know and you will find a way to make this right when you're stronger. You always do. It's one of the things I admire about you."
Taking a long sip from the tea and letting it run soothingly down her throat, Robin raised her eyebrows. "I'm not sure there's much to admire about me. I don't know....I just...it felt like I was spinning out of control and the more I tried to stop myself the worse it got. I don't know how that happened."
"It happened because you're exhausted and you're worried and you're hurt by Patrick having left last month. And sometimes, when a person has already lost so much in their life, the mere hint of it happening can send them over the edge."
"That's the thing though," she said softly, "I haven't lost him. He's here, he's alive and he still loves me."
"Robin, I think both you and Noah, whether you want to admit it or not, were preparing yourselves for the possiblity of Patrick not surviving. And when he did you were grateful. But the euphoria of that has worn off and now you're left dealing with the reality of it all and that's hard."
"I'm so embarrassed," she whispered.
"Nah, you're just being human."
Robin swallowed thickly and leaned her back against the pillows. "I...I was going to an HIV support group at home and it made me feel really strong being there. It was positive and a place to vent if I needed it. But when Patrick was diagnosed with the tumour, I stopped going. I found every excuse in the book not to go and thought I was strong enough to handle it on my own. A friend warned me that I needed to go back and I guess he was right."
"May I ask what made you stop going?" she prodded.
Inhaling sharply, she shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. Maybe...I don't know."
"Well don't try and figure it out all at once. Right now, I think you should concentrate on feeling better."
Nodding, Robin reached for the tablet Noah had left and placed it under her tongue. She had much to make up for but Alexis was right, she needed to get back on her feet before she did.
******
Hearing the door to his
room creak open, Patrick's eyes flew open and he looked anxiously as
his father stepped inside.
"Go back to sleep Sport" he told him as he pushed the door closed.
Patrick shook his head and reached for his board.
Robin?
Noah smiled as he settled into the chair at his bedside. "She's okay - she's at Eric's and is going to sleep for a while. She's exhausted."
Eric told me I was very sick. Said I arrested and seized.
He nodded. "You were very ill Patrick." He was unable to keep his voice as steady as he would have liked. There were moments where an image of his son barely hanging on would flash into his mind and it was enough sap him of his strength. "But you're on track for a full recovery, right after we tackle the aphasia and the memory loss."
What if I don't remember?
Worry framed his face. Ever since his conversation with Eric his mind had been racing with a multitude of scenarios of what the last several months had been like. He was well versed on the ways a brain tumour could affect behaviour and emotions and he had an inkling that he had been more difficult than anyone was letting on. The people in his life, who were looking a little beat up, did not get that way in five days. The looks on their faces was months in the making.
"You may not remember it all" Noah admitted honestly, interrupting his thoughts, "but you will get most of it back - I'm sure of that. And we can fill in the details along the way."
Patrick smiled wryly. You don't have to stay he wrote
Noah looked at him carefully. Robin had been right about one thing - Patrick certainly didn't remember forgiving him and it was entirely possible that he was still holding on to much of the resentment that he had carried with him for more than a decade. "Do you want me to go?" he asked, biting back his nervousness.
He shook his head. You just shouldn't feel obligated
His softened and his hazel eyes dampened with tears. "I don't feel obligated," he told him softly. "Though I seem to remember when you had your tonsils out you hated waking up alone in the hospital room and would harass the nurses constantly for company so I'm just really here for the protection of the nurses" he joked.
A small laugh escaped from his throat. Did you bring your book?
Noah nodded. He had taken to reading from his journal to him while he slept; it was as much for his own selfish needs as it was for Patrick. Reading it was like dipping his toes back in the water - he was testing his tolerance to remember the past and was finding it the water to be fine. Patrick had woken up one night as he was reading and Noah's cheeks had burned a deep crimson at being caught. He tried to stammer an explanation and had closed the book over but Patrick had reached out from his bed and touched his hand. Scribbling down a note, he had asked him to continue reading. It had taken Noah completely by surprise and he had been unsure about it but Patrick had insisted, as best he could, and Noah finally capitulated. It was now their ritual.
"Close your eyes then." Reaching into his pocket he pulled out his glasses and the small black leatherbound book, letting the pages fall open. He smiled at the passage that appeared.
"I took Patrick to the race track for the first time today and I think he fell in love. He was definitely the only eight year old boy there marching up to the drivers in the paddock and asking them about their engines and their tires."
Patrick smirked and nodded, remembering that day very well.
"Troy Hotlz was so taken with my precocious son, he picked him up and put him in the cockpit of his car. Like a natural, Patrick's little hands closed over the steering wheel and though his legs were far too short to even come close to the pedals that didn't seem to stop him from moving them in time with his hands. Holtz said that Patty had good timing and reflexes and would make an excellent go kart driver. Unfortunately for me, Patty heard Holtz and all he talked about for the entire ride home was wanting to race a go kart. We were barely through the door when he went running in search of Mattie to announce to her that he was going to be a car racer and that I had promised to let him race go karts.
The look she gave me told me that I may be spending some time on the couch. My protests that I did not actually promise him anything seemed to fall on deaf ears as Patty could only talk about when he would start and Mattie muttered something about me being irresponsible. He ran around the house making racing noises, setting up tracks for him to run through while his mother and I argued. He didn't seem remotely concerned by our disagreement. Typical of the little man he had already made up mind and now would wait patiently for everyone else to catch up to him. I am already dreading his teenage years."
Looking up from his book his saw that his son was asleep. The anxiety that had been present on his face seemed to be erased and his chest was rising and falling in a slow, steady rhythm. There was so much road left to travel for all of them but he believed as he had believed few other things in his life, that they would get there.
"My beautiful boy" he whispered as he closed the book.
*******
Seeing Alexis wander through the door
and look around the pub, Eric slid out from the booth and gave her a
small wave. Alexis grinned and threaded her way through the groups of
people to get to him.
"Hi"
Eric smiled as he cupped her face, kissing her softly. "Hi" he finally said as he let go of her lips. As he sat back down, he gave a half smile as she slid in beside him rather than on the other side of the table.
She entwined her fingers through his. "I hear you had a tough day" she told him.
He shrugged non-chalantly. "Comes with the job" he replied.
"Robin says she took a piece out of you."
"How is she?" he asked, ignoring her statement.
"She's struggling but Noah convinced her to go to bed and sleep. She's one of the strongest people I know and so I expect she'll bounce back rather quickly. How about you?"
Eric stared into her eyes as he tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "I know an Irish pub is a poor substitute for Bar Americain but I just wanted something casual tonight."
Alexis gave him a knowing smile. "You're trying very hard not to talk about what happened today. How come?"
Reaching for his beer, he took a long drink from it before setting his glass back down on the table. "I just don't want to. You know, it may be a number of years since I've dated but I do seem to recall it being bad form to vomit up all of one's issues a month and half into a relationship."
She stroked his cheek as she searched his eyes, trying to get past the blue wall. "Do you think I'm afraid or put off by your issues? 'Cause I'm not. And Eric this is a pretty extraordinary circumstance. I want you to feel like you can talk about it with me - I don't want you to be afraid to share things."
He closed his mouth over hers in a slow, languid kiss. Pulling back, he let out a small sigh. "I'm...I'm not afraid" he told her quietly, "but for a few hours I'd really, really like to forget about all of it. Do you think you can help me with that?"
Sweeping her hand across his chest, she nodded. "I most definitely can."
They settled into an easy banter with each other and despite the drone of people around them, they both felt as though they were the only two people in the pub. Embracing the security he provided her, Alexis opened up more about her past telling him some of the mistakes she had made along the way and how she was working to get out bad patterns. Both still somewhat tentative about the depth of what was happening between them, they discussed the best way to keep seeing each other. As their food arrived, Eric mocked her as she tried to maneouver her way around the plate of chicken wings. His teasing only spurred her on and she unabashedly licked her fingers in triumph as she polished off five wings and dumping the bones on his plate.
His heart flipped over in his chest as she reached for his hand and licked the bbq sauce from his fingers. Pushing her up against the corner of the booth, he seized her lips with his in a possessive kiss as he swept his tongue inside her mouth. His hands trailed down her sides and burrowed surreptitiously under her sweater. Feeling his fingertips against her skin, Alexis kissed him with urgency and pressed her body against his. Normally restrained and painfully proper in public, there was something about him, about the way he made her feel that allowed her to throw caution to the wind and not overthink things.
"You're vibrating" she whispered as ran his tongue in small circles against her neck.
"Damn right I am" he replied, suckling on the soft skin.
She reluctantly pulled away. "No, Eric - your beeper - it's vibrating."
Groaning, he lifted his head and pulled the offending beeper from his belt. Glancing at the message, he sighed. "It's Patrick - I have to go."