Cowards and Heroes Chapter 4: I am a Dreamer, a chuck fanfic

A/N: I'm really sorry for the huge delay. I'll try my best not to let it happen again. Thanks to everyone who reviewed and who sent me notes saying they liked the story and wanted me to continue. These things make me try to get these chapters out faster! Song is Life on the Moon by David Cook.

Here in this crowd I'm feeling all alone
Turn me around and point me back to home
I'm getting lost more every day
And I can't tear myself away
From the stars in my eyes with no light

Fall 2014

Chuck had been driving forever. It seemed that way at least. He had just made it past the border and decided to stop for the night in San Diego. Tomorrow he'd make it back to LA and figure out what his next move would be, but right now all he wanted was food. He rolled up to a small restaurant and parked the car. It was good to finally get out and stretch his legs. Chuck made his way to a small booth in the back. It would be hard for people to see him, but he would have a good view of the restaurant. Not that he really expected to see anyone he knew or to run into any agents, but he could never be too careful.

The waitress came and took his order. It was the first time he spoke to someone in a week. It was hard at first, not having people to talk to, but as he got used to it. He thought about what he said now instead of just blurting it out. Too bad he hadn't learned that skill earlier in his life. As he ate he wondered if it'd be safe to see Ellie and Morgan. What did they think about how he left? What would they think of him now? Chuck knew his leaving killed his sister. He wondered how long it was before she gave up hope that'd he'd come home. If he still knew his sister, she was probably still expecting him to come home for real one day.

Something else he used to think about often was what Sarah told Awesome and Ellie. Did she tell them the truth? If she did, she no doubt left the intersect part out. He knew with complete confidence that no matter how much Sarah Walker had changed, no matter how much she was tortured, no matter what, she would take that secret to the grave with her. Chuck doubted Sarah told his sister about the CIA. She didn't like opening up to people that way, especially him. Although, Ellie did have a way of getting information out of people.

"Can I get you anything else?"

"No thanks," Chuck replied as the waitress handed him his check. She smiled at him as she walked away. In a way she reminded him a bit of Jill. He shook his head trying to clear the rush of memories. Those weren't something he needed right now. There were already too many thoughts of one ex in his head, there wasn't room for any more.

Here are my terms, have some faith in me
And I'll let you be who you need to be

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like you don't know who I am and you're seeing me for the first time. And you don't quite like what you see."

Bryce shook his head and looked away from her. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You can't lie to me Bryce. I know you too well."

Sarah watched as he tried to shrug it off, but it didn't work. She really did know him better than anyone. They had been partners for the last five years. She saw him practically every day. It was strange because she had spent more time with him than Chuck and Casey, but they still felt like her team. Casey was her real partner and Chuck was still her asset, among other things.

"Fine. You're scaring me a little, that's all."

"You're scared of me?" she asked with a smile.

He shook his head again. "That's not what I meant and you know it."

"I do what needs to be done," she said clenching her jaw. This was not a conversation she wanted to have right now. It had been looming over them for a long time. Years in fact. Why did Bryce always choose the worst times to bring these things up? They were on their way to a meeting with Director Anders. The last thing she needed was someone overhearing their conversation.

"Sarah, this isn't worth it if this is who you have to become. The things you do . . . it's not right."

"Bryce Larkin is giving me a lesson in morality? Do we need to list the questionable things you've done?"

Bryce just rolled his eyes. He grabbed her arm and steered her toward the deserted end of the hallway. "Do you even remember the mission anymore?"

"I know exactly what the mission is." Sarah threw his hand off her and took a step toward him.

"Then you need to start acting like it and get your head together."

Sarah grabbed Bryce by his shirt collar and pushed him up against the wall. "My head is together. I'm focused only on the mission. I'm so focused that I would kill you right now with no regrets if I knew it help the mission move forward." There were group of agents turning to corner so Sarah let go and took a step back.

Bryce straightened his shirt and ran a hand through his hair. "That's what concerns me, Sarah. You don't care about anyone anymore."

"I care about people. In fact, there's one person I care about a hell of a lot. I just don't care about you."

Life on the moon couldn't be any stranger
Life on the moon wouldn't feel this far away
The life that I knew, it's through
And I'm gonna need you more than ever
I'm alone in this crowded room
It's like life on the moon

Chuck envisioned this day for the past five years. He was finally home. After eating at the diner in San Diego he jumped right back in his car. The plan was to stay there for the night, but he just couldn't do it. He had come so far just to stop early. It was dark outside. Most people would be asleep. Sleep was something he longed for, but he knew it would not come easily tonight.

Where was he going to go? What was he going to do? Chuck desperately wanted to see his sister, but he couldn't just show up like nothing happened and he refused to lie to her about where he'd been. Maybe he could just drive by the apartment and check up on them. That was too stalkerish for his tastes though. He'd just have to wait. It didn't bug him that much; he was good at waiting by now. Whatever he planned to do tonight, he'd have to do it fast because he was low on gas and he had used the last of his cash at the diner. There was really only one place for him to go. It was a few days too soon, but at least he'd be safe there.

Flown off the ground, my head's up in the air
Self-conscious to a fault with all the people everywhere
It's getting harder every night
To take the punches left and right
Just to know that you're here by my side

Sarah took her seat next to Director Anders, with Bryce on the other side of her. She was the Director's right hand man after all. To be honest, she didn't really know why, but the Director liked her. She followed orders, but rarely carried them out the way one would expect her to. She killed and beat up her fellow agents, something that a normal person would frown upon. The Director didn't seem to mind. After all, she did get things done. In five years she never had a failed mission. That was a damn good track record.

Director Anders sat at his seat at the end of the table as the last few agents trickled in. He put on his glasses, read a report in front of him, then handed it to Sarah. It was just the usual progress report. It had been a slow week.

"Does anyone have any questions before I brief you all on your new assignments?"

The room was silent and after a moment the Director continued. "Agents Perotta, Marquez, Austen, and Anderson will fly out to our base in Southern Mexico tomorrow. Last week one of our teams detained two CIA agents. We believe that there are four more in Mexico City and at least two others stationed somewhere outside Cozumel. The rest of you will stay here and train the incoming recruits. Dismissed."

They got up to leave, but the director stopped them. "Walker, Larkin. I have a special assignment for you two."

"Please tell me it's somewhere sunny. I'm tired of the snow."

"Don't worry Agent Larkin, there will be no snow in sight," he said taking out a pair of folders and handing them to Sarah and Bryce. Sarah opened it and saw a picture of an older, balding man with glasses. "This is Dr. Oksana, code name Mad Hatter. He was on the original intersect project many years ago."

"Excuse me, Director. Did you say intersect? I thought we abandoned that route."

"We did. That is until now."

Sarah's heart sank. This is exactly what she had been trying to avoid. A few years ago she convinced the Director to abandon the intersect project completely. Looked like he changed his mind.

"We have intel that the CIA and NSA have learned how to implant the intersect into humans. It didn't work so well for us with Agent Larkin, but we have reason to believe that Oksana can help us with that. You two will go to LA and find him. His last known location was at a hotel in Santa Monica."

This was bad. If Fulcrum was poking around about the intersect, there was a good chance they'd stumble upon Chuck eventually. She would go find Oksana, but she had no intention of bringing him back. Sarah had to do whatever she could to protect Chuck.

"When do we leave?"

"Right now."

Chuck parked his car a few blocks away from the old OrangeOrange, put on a baseball hat, and started walking. It's not like he really needed the hat. It was late and no one was around, but he was used to being cautious. He wondered if he'd be like that for the rest of his life. Always looking over his shoulder, even after this was all said and done.

It was cold outside. It even rained a little on his way up here. For some reason he wanted it to rain now. He wanted to feel the drops on his face, the ice on his skin. He just wanted to feel. Being back didn't ignite the life in him he thought it would. Instead, it only made him more wistful and he longed for a time long gone. Back when he and Sarah were alright. Back when he could eat dinner with his sister and her fiancé. Back when he could call Morgan at any hour of the night to hang out. Standing at the opening of the alley where it all started five years ago, Chuck knew he could never get it back.

He was standing in the exact spot he was when he shot her. He could even see the look on her face. No matter how far gone he was he would never forget that look. She had been scared, of course, but he didn't think it was because he had been standing in front of her with a gun. No, it was because when he shot her, she saw all hope of their future disappear. Chuck shook his head to clear the thoughts. Focus. There was no time for a walk down memory lane. He walked over to the dumpster, reached under it, and found the key to the Orange Orange. It wasn't the yogurt shop anymore, though. Now it was just an abandoned building. He relocked the door after he went in and walked over to the door to the Castle. He was surprised at how clean everything was. He envisioned a thick layer of dust on everything, but it looked exactly the same as it had when he left.

"You're early."

Chuck's head whipped around to the screen as he set his bag on the table. "How did you know I was here?"

"I have Castle bugged for security reasons."

Made sense. At least, he should have figured as much. Remembering her earlier question, he sat down and replied, "The trip didn't take as long as I thought. I figured this would be the safest place to go. Is it a problem, General?"

General Beckman shook her head and leaned back in her chair. "No. In fact, it gives you more time to look over intel. I'm sending you everything we have gathered on Fulcrum from the last five years. I'll contact you at the same time tomorrow for a briefing."

Chuck just nodded. "It's nice to see you again, Mr. Bartowski." The screen went blank. He'd look over the information in the morning. Right now all he wanted to do was sleep. He walked over to one of the small cots in the back room and collapsed. Before he drifted off, he could have sworn he smelled lavender, but that was impossible. His mind must have been playing tricks on him.

Getting lost in my own atmosphere
Stars in the sky are the stars in my eyes
It's the cost of getting out of here alive

"We're early," Bryce said from behind her.

"I know. Be grateful it worked out at all."

"Well what do you suggest we do about it?"

"You go follow the orders the Director gave us. I'll meet up with you later."

"Sarah," he started, but his voice trailed off. Bryce looked tired. Sarah needed to cut him some slack. She knew she was hard on him and this wasn't his fault. Well, in a way it was, but right now he was just as caught up in all this as she was. There was a voice in her head whispering for her to be nice.

"There are just a few things I need to take care of. Anders doesn't expect a report from us for a few days. We both know we're not going to find Oksana, so there's not much we can do but wait."

He thought about that for a moment and nodded slowly. "I'll go talk to a few of the contacts I have here. Make it seem like we are actually doing work. I call you tomorrow and we'll meet up and figure out our next move."

Sarah watched as he walked off. She just stood there for a moment. She was exhausted, having barely slept in days. To be honest, her plan was to go to Castle and crash until Bryce called her. It would be nice to sleep on her own without feeling the need to keep one eye open.

The drive was short, but relaxing. Deciding to forgo the front door, Sarah crept in the back entrance. She was a little surprised her access code still worked, but she knew she shouldn't be. All of this seemed a bit surreal. At least being back here would help her remember what side she was really on. The first thing she noticed was that the lights were on and everything was powered up. She drew her gun and crept slowly to the main room. There was a bag on the table. Someone was here.

Sarah swept the place, but found no one. She moved around the corner into the back room and saw him. Chuck Bartowski. Looks like he was early too. Her heart fluttered seeing him there. She desperately wanted to go over to him, run her fingers through his now short hair, lay down next to him, but that's something the old Sarah would have done. The new Sarah could only stand there and stare at him. After a few minutes, she turned and headed back to the table. As much as she wanted to sleep, she knew it wasn't an option anymore. She had work to do.

Chuck awoke a tapping sound six hours later. He scanned the room nervously, but could not identify where the noise was coming from. Quietly, he grabbed the gun he'd hidden under his pillow and walked out toward the main room. The tapping was getting louder and he recognized what it was from: a computer. Someone was typing. As he rounded the corner he caught a glimpse of brunette hair and he held the gun a little tighter. Who was he kidding? Was he really going to shoot this woman? Well, he had done it to someone he loved, twice, so he shouldn't have a problem now. He walked farther into the room, careful not to make a sound and positioned himself directly behind the woman and braced himself for an attack. He was about to speak to her, but the woman beat him to it.

"It's okay, Chuck. It's just me."

He lowered his gun as Sarah turned to face him. He knew he smelled lavender.