Chapter 102
But you're going to face a moment of truth
Seated on the enclosed porch and staring out at the frigid water lapping at the frozen sand, Robin flipped her phone over and over in her hands. She could hear Alan's voice clear as day in her head and she could not shake the knot pulling tighter in the pit of her stomach. Reaching for the afghan folded neatly over the arm of the couch she wrapped it around her shoulders to ward of the chill. She knew she needed to phone him back but she didn't want to. She wished, just even for a day, she could be one of those people who didn't feel like the world was going to crash down around them when their doctor called.
It was ironic in many ways but the longer she lived with HIV the harder it became. She was growing weary of the routine and the exacting way she had to live aspects of her life. It had seemed difficult when she was first diagnosed because there was no cocktail, no real way to halt the advance of the virus in her body but science, working at breakneck speed, developed a series of drugs that could allow someone to live a normal life. After getting past her initial fear of anti-retroviral protocol she had embraced it. The side effects were a small price to pay for her to go to Yale, to the Sorbonne, to live in Paris making her name as a researcher. But she was coming to resent it. The persistent bleating of her alarm, the regular blood tests, the extra precautions at work and at home - they weren't a normal life and she wanted to scream. She had lived with HIV long enough that the years of living without it, of not being a slave to protocols and routines seemed to blurr in her memory. For one day she wished she could throw it all away and live like everyone else.
She struggled with these feelings that bubbled to the surface every once in a while because she knew she had been extraordinary lucky in her life. There were so many others who had not had the benefit of care that she had, who had not lived long enough to see an anti-retroviral protocol, let alone watch their viral loads dip to almost undetectable levels. She should be grateful and truthfully, she mostly was. But every once in a while she got tired of being well adjusted and accepting of it all and just wanted to rail against the unfairness of it all. They were selfish and unproductive emotions but that didn't make them any less real.
She dropped her phone on the side table. The phone call would wait.
Hearing the door to the porch open, she tilted her head and smiled as Patrick shuffled through. Still troubled by some balance issues, he gripped the wall as he made his way to the couch. Both she and Noah had broached the idea of a walker with him but the idea was resoundingly rejected. Patrick's pride had already taken a beating and she knew that he would not allow himself to appear more infirm than he already was.
Resisting the urge to jump to her feet and help him to the couch, she simply unfurled the blanket around her in invitation and waited. Her patience was rewarded as he slid beside her on the couch. Opening her mouth to speak she was taken by surprise as he closed his lips over hers in a long, passionate kiss. His tongue slipped into the warm velvety softness of her mouth. Moaning softly into his mouth, Robin cupped his face, deepening the kiss.
"Did you sleep well?" she asked breathlessly as they reluctantly broke apart.
Resting his forehead against hers, he nodded as he peppered her cheeks with soft, tiny kisses.
She stroked his thigh and sighed happily. The nearness of him, the feel of his lips on her skin had a way of making her feel whole just when she needed it. "How are you feeling?"
Patrick reached for the board and pen. Okay. Glad to be here -this is one of my favourite places
"I can see why" she replied looking back at the water. Patrick draped his arm around her and pulled her against him Resting her head on his shoulder and pulling the blanket tighter around them she momentarily got lost in the feeling of being snuggled together. It had been almost two months since they had shared a quiet, loving moment like this away from doctors and hospitals.
His fingers, tucked inside her sweater, danced lightly against her shoulder. He loved to touch her skin. It was always so soft and warm, like she had captured sunshine.
"Your speech therapist comes tomorrow" she reminded him quietly.
"Y-yes. G-good."
Looking up, she gave him a warm smile. "Knowing you, you'll be swearing like a sailor by the end of the day."
He chuckled softly and stuck his tongue out at her. With a quick swipe of his hand, he erased his board and wrote again. Thanks for agreeing to come here. I was hoping to bring you here one day
"I know" she told him unthinkingly. "You put it on your list."
Patrick looked at her in shock. List??
Closing her eyes, Robin groaned. She hadn't meant to tell him - not so soon anyways. She was well versed in the way memories could work and knew that in order for a patient with memory loss to authentically regain their memories, they needed to find them on their own. Being spoon fed or having the missing memories laid out before them could cause them to believe they remember when in fact they don't.
Smiling weakly, she gave a small shrug. "Are you nervous about your session tomorrow?" she asked in a desperate effort to change the subject.
Narrowing his eyes, he shook his head letting her know he was not going to let her off the hook so easily. With his pen in his hand, he tapped the word 'list', waiting expectantly for an answer.
Knowing there would be no way to disuade him from getting an answer, she took a deep breath. "When....when you were sick you made a list of things you wanted to do with me before..." her voice trailed off.
I died?
"Before surgery" she corrected. "Before your surgery."
In case I died?
"I don't know" she responded, looking back at the water.
Patrick wrote another question but when Robin didn't look at it, he poked her gently on the shoulder. Why not?
"Why not what?" She swallowed down her rising exasperation.
Why don't you know?
"Because you didn't share it with me" she snapped. "It was your secret list and you didn't feel I was important enough to share it with me."
His mouth dropped open. He was at sea again with no understanding of what the last six months had been like for anyone including himself. He had never thought himself as a list maker but clearly something had spurred him on to do so.
I'm sorry I didn't share.
Exhaling slowly, Robin extricated herself from his embrace. "Patrick you can't apologize for something you don't remember doing," she told him kindly. "And I shouldn't have snapped at you. When your memory comes back you'll remember why you didn't share it and then maybe you can tell me."
He twisted his lips off to the side. She was right, of course, but it did little to quell the uneasy feeling coursing through him. What else was on the list?
A ghost of a smile crossed her lips. "Trips, adventures, moments" she answered. "I have the list - I found it. When you get a little stronger we can look at it together, okay?"
Nodding, he dipped his head and kissed her lovingly. There was so much he needed to make right but he would need to remember it first.
Noah rapped on the door, interrupting them. "Dinner is ready, if you guys are hungry."
"Thanks Noah" Robin smiled, grateful for the end of the conversation. "I'm starving!"
"M-m-me too" Patrick said, exhaling tiredly as he spoke.
"Sport, why don't I help you to the dining room?" Noah offered. There was something about the look on Robin's face that told him she needed a minute or two to collect herself.
He looked to Robin and seeing the same look his father did, agreed readily. Rising to his feet, he took several steps forward before Noah took hold of his arm and helped him off the porch.
Cradling her head in her hands, Robin blew out her cheeks. Her anger always seemed to surprise her, as if she didn't actually understand how angry she was. What she was even less sure of was whether her anger was because of Patrick's actions while he was sick or because of the voice mail message stored on her phone. There was only one way to find out. Reaching for her phone, she punched in the familiar number and waited.
"Hi Alan, it's Robin. I got your message."