Chapter 105

And it's a long way down to the place where we started from

Alexis placed her hand on Robin's arm and smiled warmly. "What's up?"

Robin cast a quick look down the hall towards Patrick's room and saw the door was closed; the music in the kitchen was playing loudly enough that Noah would be unable to hear her. Comforted that no one would overhear their conversation, she took a deep breath before speaking.

"It's my viral load" she said softly, not quite meeting Alexis' gaze.

Her friend bit back the panic that welled up inside her and nodded her head. "Is it elevated?" she asked with greater calm than she felt.

"Yes. Alan has adjusted my dosage but if it doesn't come back to the numbers he expects then he'll have to change my protocol completely."

"Oh" she replied. "That's scary, isn't it?"

"Yeah" Her voice was above a whisper. "It's all kind of scary and I'm trying not to be too freaked about it but I'm not having much success there."

"And I'm the first person you told?"

Robin smirked. "Pretty much"

"Is there a reason you aren't telling Mac? or Patrick? or Noah?"

She pulled thoughtfully on her bottom lip. Everyone always seemed to act as though it was easy to give this kind of news to people who love you; that somehow they would stifle their own reaction and only worry about yours. But in the more than 10 years she had lived with HIV she knew that wasn't the case. People always had the best of intentions but their love for someone who was sick, whose health was in a delicate balance, coloured everything. It was neither good nor bad, it just was. And she had discovered long ago that it was easier to get through the difficulty and then let others know. It may not have always seemed fair but she was looking out for their interests as much as her own.

"Mac will likely overreact and no matter how many times I try to assure him that it's okay, he doesn't get it."

"Parent's prerogative" she reminded her gently.

"I know" she agreed. "But part of being an adult child is making sure you don't unnecessarily stress out the people around you."

"And Patrick?"

She shook her head. "How can I tell him this? He'll blame himself, he'll want answers to questions about the last six months regarding my health and I would either have to lie to him or tell him that he left and I fell apart and endangered my own health in the process. He's not ready for all that right now. I don't....Alexis I don't want to do anything to impede his healing. I came" her voice hitched and she smiled shyly, "I came so very close to losing him - more than once. I would never forgive myself if in a moment of selfishness I caused him and damage."

Alexis arched her eyebrow in silent surprise. "Selfishness? Robin, you're in a relationship with him and sick or not, telling him that you are dealing with a health issue isn't selfish."

"I learned...I learned a long time ago that part of living with HIV includes making it easier on the people around you to accept it. It means being patient with colleagues and strangers; it means never letting an opportunity for education to pass you by; and it means downplaying some of the more unpleasant aspects of the virus' progression."

She shook her head. "Respectfully Robin, I don't agree. I thought the same thing about my cancer and I discovered that downplaying the severity of something generally resulted in the people you are trying to protect feeling betrayed."

"I can't. Not right now" she whispered, leaning forward and resting her elbows on her knees.

Alexis was tempted to push her, afterall she had made her career with persuasive arguments but she also knew that a bulldozer wasn't always the best approach. Her friend was dealing with so much already and while she disagreed with how she was dealing with this more than anything she needed her support.

"How can I help?"

Robin, having braced herself to counter any case made by her friend, smiled gratefully. "Just being able to say it out loud was a big help."

Alexis took both of Robin's hands in her own and looked directly into her eyes. "Robin, whatever you need just pick up the phone and ask. You aren't alone - not through any of this."

Unbidden tears sprang to her eyes and with a small sniffle, she swiped at them. "I get really teary these days" she offered as an explanation.

"Teary is okay" she reassured her. "Have you thought about going back to your support group? This might be a time they could help?"

She shook her head. "I can't while we're here. I would have to come up with an excuse each time as to why I'm going back to Port Charles and -"

"How about the truth? Patrick knows you go to a support group and it shouldn't surprise him that you would want to go again."

"I just can't. Not right now."

Alexis did the only thing she could do. She gathered her friend in her arms and hugged her tightly. "It's going to be okay Robin" she told her softly, "I promise."

Melting into the embrace, Robin closed her eyes and sighed. She did not know if Alexis was right or not but in that moment she wanted to believe her.

xxxx
The list

Patrick tapped his board impatiently as Eric made some notes in his chart.

Looking up, he gave a small sigh. "You made a list of things you wanted to do with Robin."

Because I thought I was going to die?

Pinching the bridge of his nose, he inhaled sharply. "Things were grim" he confirmed. "And it wasn't just the possibility of death but you were and I know you still are, well aware of the possible complications resulting from surgery and you wanted to cram as much in as you could before."

Robin says I didn't tell her.

"You're surprised? Patrick I don't think the KGB would be able to get you to talk unless you wanted to. And obviously, for reasons only you know, you didn't share it with her."

I don't know. I don't FUCKING know!!!! He hurled the dry erase board across the room and took some satisfaction in the loud clanging noise it made as it hit the ground.

"Feel better?"

"N-no"

Pushing himself up from the chair, Eric walked across the room and picked up the board. The corners were chipped and snagged showing the evidence of Patrick's frustration. "Didn't think so" he told him kindly as he handed it back to him. "I know you're frustrated but you have to give this time."

Grudgingly, Patrick picked up his pen again. Did I hurt Robin? or my Dad?

It did not escape Patrick's notice that Eric dropped his gaze for the briefest of moments before looking up at him again. "That's for you and Robin to work out. I'm not spoon feeding you answers and you know why. It's not about us filling in the blanks for you Patrick - that tells you what happened but it doesn't give you your memory back. You still won't be able to recall the specific moments until you remember them for yourself."

blah blah blah

Rolling his eyes, Eric smirked. "Smartass."

What about sex?

"Eh. Sorry Pantsy but you really ain't my type. I like my partners a little less male."

Narrowing his eyes, Patrick stuck up his middle finger.

Laughing, Eric jammed his hands in his pockets. "You're not ready yet" he told him. A look of disappointment crossed Patrick's face. "Look Patrick I know you and I know you're feeling a little desperate about being able to communicate with the world around you and most especially Robin. You want her to know you love her - I get that. But for the next little while you'll have to be as creative as you can be. I don't want you engaging in any....exertion of that kind for a while yet."

Sighing heavily, Patrick nodded his understanding. Rationally he understood that he wasn't physically ready for sex but he was craving intimacy which was ironic considering how often he had eschewed it in the past. And while he knew there were plenty of ways to be intimate his inability to communicate limited many of them.

Hearing Noah call everyone for dinner, Eric moved to the bed and helped his friend to his feet. "Hang tough Pantsy. As you liked to remind me when I was puking my guts out from round after round of chemo - it's a pace not a race."

xxxxx
Dinner had been a happy gathering with much laughter and storytelling. Not wanting to be left out, Patrick even managed to scribble down a short but embarrassing story about his best friend that left Eric blushing like mad and the rest of the table dissolved in a fit of giggles. They had moved into the living room for puck drop and Robin had mysteriously disappeared to the bedroom only to emerge minutes later in her New Jersey Devils hockey sweater.

Patrick gasped as he looked at her. The briefest of images of her in the sweater on the couch at her apartment flashed before him. There was something about the image - a mixture of fun and seriousness - that gave him pause. It was achingly familiar and he thought if he concentrated hard enough he would be able to reach the memory that dangled tantalizingly out of his reach. Closing his eyes, he fixated on the image to see if the rest of the memory followed.

"Awww" Robin said teasingly as she slid into the seat next to him, "you're so afraid that my boys are going to beat your boys that you're closing your eyes?"

Even the words rang with recognition. Clenching his eyes shut he tried to focus, tried to bring the memory forward but as quickly as it had appeared it left again. Letting out a small, defeated sigh, he opened his eyes and smiled at his girlfriend. He pointed to the crest on her sweater.

"S-s-s-sucks" he teased, his brown eyes dancing.

"You're terrible" Robin shot back. "I think we need to get you a new speech therapist how won't teach you nasty words."

"It's awful when their vocabularies regress, isn't it?" Eric asked with a glint in his eye.

Reaching for his board, he wrote:

Alexis, I have many, many more stories about Smitty. And I also feel I should warn you that he kind of smells. And can barely dress himself. On a good day.

Alexis laughed and rubbed her hands together. "Tell you what Patrick," she said in a loud conspiratorial voice, "you and I will get some quality time together and you can fill me in on all the juicy details."

Shooting his girlfriend a lock of mock incredulity, Eric turned to Robin. "Robin, have I ever told you about my extensive photo collection? I have Patrick parading in a wide variety of costumes. And publically naked. Happy to share them with you."

Laughing, Robin curled in towards Patrick sliding her hand around his waist and resting her head on his chest. "I think you two need to declare a peace accord before you scare both Alexis and I off and all you have left is each other."

Patrick and Eric stared at each other for a moment before declaring at the same time, "Ewwww!"

"Thought so" Robin said in a sing song voice.

Looking around the room, Patrick knit his brow. Where is my dad?

"He said he had to go into town and pick up some stuff" Alexis answered easily, "but he'd be back by the second quarter"

"Period" Eric corrected with a grin, nipping at her lips as he did so.

"I think you should just be grateful I'm willing to fake interest in this mutated version of ice capades."

Would you two get a room?

"Or maybe we could?" Robin teased waggling her eyebrows.

Patrick gave her a wistful look and taking hold of her hand, slipped it inside his t-shirt bringing it to rest over his tattoo. The first time he had done so, she had been unsure of what he was trying to say but she had figured it out in short order.

"I love you too" she whispered.

"Shhh!" Alexis said. "They're about to drop the puck thingy."

Robin giggled and snuggled in closer to Patrick while Eric dropped a lingering kiss on Alexis' shoulder. Looking at the other three and the contentment on everyone's face, Patrick couldn't help but feel they had turned some kind of corner.

xxxx
The wind whipped through the streets rustling the bare branches of the trees planted with excruciating accuracy along the boulevard. With his hands jammed in his pockets and his coat collar flicked up to ward off the last kick of winter, Noah stared at the blinking sign. To any other passer-by it would say 'Cold Beer' but to him it said so much more. It said 'Feel Better Here' and 'Numbness is but a drink away' and 'You deserve a break'.

He eyes were fixed on the green neon and the pull of the bar was extraordinarily strong. There was so much he loved about being in the house with his son again but at the same time the void created by his wife's death seemed more acute than it ever had. The house was a testament to her and their love and revisiting it with Patrick all these years only served to heighten the reminders of all he had lost. He had not been able to sleep in their bed - he had not been back to the bed since Mattie's death. Normally when he visited the house alone, he would sleep in Patrick's bed or on the couch. He was afraid at how weak Patrick and Robin would think him if they knew how intimated he was by the bed and all its memories. Instead, he bought an inflatable mattress and put it on the floor in the room. It made him angry and sad. It made him want a drink.

Actually, he wanted a hundred drinks. Or a thousand. Or however many it would take stop feeling like he did.

He stared at the people laughing uproariously as they swirled on the bar stools and he wanted a taste. Just a taste. He took one step forward towards the door and then paused.

Turning to his left, he headed quickly down the street towards the church where he knew he would find a meeting. And whatever he needed to stop himself from taking that taste.