Chapter 115

Homeward bound

Robin sank further back into Patrick's arms, pulling the blanket closer around them as they both stared out the window. The water echoed with the sun's rays and bits of greenery could be seen poking up through the snow giving first warning that Spring was coming. Patrick softly kissed her shoulder as he traced small patterns along her torso with his fingertips. They had been sitting there, wrapped up in each other, for more than an hour. In other circumstances such silence and stillness would have discomforted Patrick but through Robin he had learned that sometimes the best communication was without words.

He nuzzled her neck and smiled against her warming skin as she sighed happily. There was an ever present sensation that he had moved off the path he had been travelling on, as though somehow he got turned around and headed in another direction but as he held her, as his heart beat in time with hers, he finally felt that he might be back on track. Based on what he read in his chart he knew the last few months would have been anything but pleasant. The dosage of radiation he had received explained the healing sores he could still drag his tongue against in his mouth. The severity of his tremors would have made him furious, probably impossible to live with and so he imagined there had not been too many moments like this one - where they could just be.

Her head lolled against his shoulder and she ran her hand along his arm. Looking up at him, she smiled contentedly. "I like it here" she stated softly.

"Wh-why?" he asked curiously.

Robin exhaled quietly. "Because it's peaceful" she answered. "Because you can hear yourself think."

Patrick raised an eyebrow questioningly. "B-brain noisy?"

"Yeah" she admitted.

"With wh-what?"

Robin turned sideways in his arms and pressed a kiss to his chest. She traced her fingers along his collar bone as she contemplated her answer. Her mind was a very noisy place and had been for quite some time. She worried about Patrick and his health, about the possiblity of his not returning to surgery. She also worried about her own health, her changing viral load and the very real chance that she would need a change in protocol to get it back to the levels it had been for so long. Added in to that she worried about their relationship and what all of it, including his memory loss meant for them going forward. It was a balancing act for her to keep it all in check.

Patrick threaded his fingers through her soft, silky hair and waited for her answer. One of the interesting by-products of his aphasia was his patience when it came to conversations. Because he could not always respond quickly or at all there was a lot of airtime available to others and he was discovering if he didn't push it, people eventually would start to fill the space.

"I kind of..." she began but trailed off. Chewing on her bottom lip as she traced his tattoo, she took a deep breath and started again. "I get...I get kind of panicky when you don't remember. I just find it really hard."

Sliding his finger under her chin and tilting it upwards, he kissed her softly. "Why?" he asked as he slowly pulled away from her lips.

She shrugged but as she saw the expectant look in his eyes she knew she needed to answer. She just hoped it would sound better out loud than it did in her head. "I've never been in love like this before. I...I was a teenager with Stone and I was broken when I was with Jason. And then I left town and I was sure - I mean really sure - that I wasn't going to fall in love again." She smiled as Patrick tightened his grip around her waist. "So I worked on everything else - trying to be a complete person and I was. I am," she amended.

Patrick tenderly kissed her mouth as Robin curled her fingers through the fine wisps of hair at the nape of his neck.

"I'm whole and then the one thing that I was sure would never happen, happened. I am in love - crazy in love with you," she sighed softly. "And there is so much that happened between us in the last six months - there was a lot of honesty and trust. There were moments in time that deepened my feelings for you or clarified your feelings for me. We travelled that road together and it's hard," her brown eyes shimmered with tears, "it's hard not to be able to say 'remember when' and you do. I guess there's a part of me - an insecure part of me - that thinks because you don't remember..." She blew out her cheeks as her throat thickened, "maybe you don't feel the same way anymore. I worry that maybe your feelings aren't as deep as they were before surgery." She buried her face against his chest. "It's stupid I know."

"N-no" he stammered. He tired to speak again but could not make his tongue move in the way he wanted it to. Though his speech was improving, he still tired easily. Reaching behind him, while still holding on to Robin, he grabbed hold of his jeans and yanked them to him. He pulled out a small notepad and pen from the back pocket.

Robin lovingly stroked his cheek as he wrote. His statement about talking slowly but thinking quickly stuck with her and was a good indication at how difficult it was for him to continue to rely on a pen and paper.

My mind may not remember but my heart does. It knows you and everything we've shared. My brain is going to catch up. My feelings for you get deeper every day.

She read the note and looked up at him, blinking quickly. "You're amazing," she whispered.

He pointed to his tattoo and smiled. "Con-n-nected" he said haltingly.

Burrowing next to him, she placed a kiss in the centre of his chest. "Yeah we are." Patrick held her closely and left a small trail of kisses along her cheek. "Did your mom come here a lot even when she was sick?" she asked tentatively.

He nodded and wrote. Not to paint though - I think she just liked to think here. If we couldn't find her at the house we knew she would be here.

Robin gave a small smile. "I think I would do the same" she told him, "if I had something big I was trying to sort through this would be a good place." She linked her fingers through his. "I'm really glad that we came here."

"Why?" He was curious as to what she was taking from their time here.

When he had said he wanted to recover here he had done so without thinking. There was something telling him that he needed to be here and he realized now, after reading the letter he wrote to his father, that it was so he could continue to put old ghosts and injuries to bed. He had not returned to the house in more than a decade and if anything, as time passed, he became almost intimidated by returning; that somehow being here would drive home all he had lost. It was to his great surprise that the opposite had happened.

"You've never talked a lot about your life growing up - you tell me stories here and there but I never really had a sense of what your childhood was like. But being here, seeing all the photos and finding your mom's paintings - I guess...I guess I'm relieved."

Cocking his head to the side, he gave her a quizzical look.

"I'm relieved because I know you were loved" she answered shyly. "Intellectually I understand what happened to your dad after your mom died. But I remember you telling me on the docks after I went to my first group meeting that..." she swallowed thickly, "that what hurt you the most was your dad choosing the bottle over you - that you were second choice."

Patrick's eyes welled with tears and he nodded in understanding and remembrance

"I never told you but when you told me about how isolated and alone you felt, my heart broke a little because I couldn't imagine someone knowing you and loving you and making you their first choice." Reaching up, she swiped at the stray tear that trickled down his cheek. "Being here has shown me that you were deeply loved Patrick and knowing that matters a lot to me."

"Why?" he prodded again, ignoring the bitter lump that had formed in his throat.

"Because you make me believe that anything is possible." She paused for a moment, unsure of whether to continue but Patrick's gentle stroking along her back urged her forward. "I see a future with you" she whispered, "but I needed to know where you came from to trust it and now I do."

She dropped her eyes to her lap, worried that she had pushed it too far. She could feel Patrick's arm moving as he wrote on the small pad of paper.

I see a future with you too

He nudged her with his shoulder as he passed the pad to her. Robin let out a small gasp as she read it and as she looked up at him, she saw him tapping his tattoo. A shuddering breath escaped from the back of her throat. Kneeling up, she cupped his face and kissed him passionately. Patrick returned her kiss with alacrity, pushing his body against hers.

As they breathlessly broke apart, he swept her bangs from her face and smiled. "It is....time...." he paused as his mouth groped to form the words, "f-f-f-for us....to....go home."