Chapter 116

Every day is a winding road

Despite his protests that he could help, Robin had banished Patrick to the couch to rest while she put unpacked the suitcases. His lanky frame was stretched out along the entire length of the couch and though he felt some fatigue from the trip home he was not ready to sleep. Glancing around the apartment living room he could feel memories flashing through him but they moved far too quickly for him to recognize them. They left him with mixed feelings of comfort and tension.

His gaze was continually drawn to the door as though there was some hint or secret in there. He could see himself walking through it but without context had no idea what any of it meant. Holding his left hand up he watched critically for any sign of a tremor. It was like a kick to the gut as he saw the tiniest shake in his hand. For almost anyone else the tremor would be unnoticeable and certainly not an impediment to resuming their career. But he wasn't anyone else, he was a world class neurosurgeon. And if his hands were not steady then they were of no use to him. Eric had been frank and told him he would need to dedicate himself to an intense physiotherapy regime and do so with the knowledge that it may not be enough. There were other career paths available to him if the tremor didn't disappear - he could still be a doctor. No doubt he could run a very successful practice but he would only be a doctor, not a surgeon and that felt like failure. The idea of never running an OR, of not having that rush of a complex surgery was more than he could contemplate. His hands were going to be steady again because as far as he was concerned there were no other options.

Robin emerged from the bedroom and standing in the entranceway of the living room quietly watched her boyfriend as he looked around the room. It had been two months since he walked out the door and she crumpled to the floor like a rag doll drowning in grief and heartache. The path to get back here had been full of hurdles, detours and enormous challenges but seeing him on the couch and looking more like himself than he had in months went a long way to make up for all that had come before.

"Not sleeping?" she asked as she slid next to him on the couch.

Patrick wrapped her tightly in his arms and shook his head. "N-no. N-n-need to make sure you d-don't throw out shirts you h-h-hate" he stuttered.

Looking up into his eyes, she grinned. "Silly - I did that months ago. Along with your sweater vests. And I replaced all your Rangers sweaters with Devils sweaters."

She laughed as he growled at her. "D-devils s-s-suck" he stated confidently.

"How are you feeling?" she asked seriously, watching his eyes for any sign of covering.

He sighed quietly and reached for the new dry erase board that replaced the one he broke in the Hamptons perched on the edge of the coffee table.

I'm tired he admitted, but okay and this right here is nice.

Robin snaked her arms around his waist and nibbled softly on his bottom lip. "It sure is."

Question for you. How are you?

Robin looked at the board and was amazed at how so often the straight forward questions had the most complicated answers. As she had put their clothes away she had also checked the messages on her phone and her stomach sank to her shoes as she heard Alan's voice asking her to come by the hospital in the morning as he wanted to run new blood work and see where her viral load was at. It was one of the most frustrating things about HIV - her viral load could climb and climb and for a long time she would feel no differently. She would be walking in blind tomorrow, not knowing if she had stabilized or needed a new protocol. She didn't want to think about it though, for one night she wanted to not worry about her health or his health and just be a normal couple in love.

Looking up at his, she smiled. "I am happy that we're home - together. And I am so grateful that you're okay."

Dipping his head he kissed her slowly, his tongue running along the seam of her lips before diving inside the warmth of her mouth. Robin moaned as he deepened the kiss and her hands burrowed under his shirt in search of his skin. As they languidly let go of each other, Patrick reached again for the board.

Are you grateful enough to start cheering for the Rangers?

Robin snorted and rolled her eyes. "Not a chance"

xxxxx
Alexis's eyes widened in surprise as she saw Eric standing on the other side of her front door. Her face broke into a wide smile as she pulled open the door. "This is a nice surprise" she told him.

He smiled shyly. "I tried to call you but the line was busy and I hated to be in town and not see you."

"I was on a conference call with my nephew." She reached for his hand and tugged him across the threshold. "I'm so happy to see you"

Sliding his hand around her he pulled her into him and dipping his head, greeted her with a soft kiss. "I'm glad" he told her as he pulled away.

Alexis linked her fingers through his and led him into the living room. The last two weeks had been busy ones for both of them and finding time to see each other had been difficult. Her mind had, as it was wont to do, wandered to worst case scenarios and imagined the relationship was coming to an end. Knowing her thought process, Eric had ensured he called her as often as he could and on the night Patrick had texted asking him to come to the Hamptons, he had sent her flowers.

As they settled on the couch she curled up next to him, running her fingers through his hair. She was in awe of his beauty and how seemingly unaffected he was by it. She had come of age in a family that paid much attention to its outward appearance and little to its inward realities. Her choices in men had often echoed that but he was different. His focus for himself and for her was on the inside and that made all the difference.

"What brought you to town? Was it Patrick? Is he okay?"

Eric smiled. "He's okay. I came to brief his new physician only to find that he had transferred to another hospital. I...uh...ended up in a long conversation with Alan Quartermaine and he offered me a job."

"What?"

"He offered me a job - told me they were down two neurosurgeons with Patrick's medical leave and he could use my help."

"Are you...are you going to take it?"

"That kind of depends on you" he told her quietly.

"Wh-what do you mean?"

Eric gently swept her bangs from her forehead and took a deep breath. "Alexis I love New York - I like my apartment and I like my hospital. I'm not a big fan of small towns" Her face dropped as he spoke, panic swelling up inside her. "But I'm in love with you" he carried on. "And the only real advantage of moving here would be that we could see each other - a lot" he grinned. "But I know you don't like to be crowded or rushed and so I guess...I guess I'm wondering how you would feel if I took the job?"

She sucked in a sharp breath. It was taking a lot of getting used to, being with someone who was concerned with her needs and her feelings. Her heart beat wildly against her ribs as she snuggled in closer to him. "How would I feel?" she echoed.

Eric nodded, nervously chewing on his lip. He had been taken by surprise by Alan's offer and six months ago would have rejected it out of hand, fearing Port Charles to be too provincial and taking him out of the running for career advancement. But falling in love was teaching him that life was about balance and career advancement was empty if there was no one to share it with. Once Alan asked him he suddenly realized how much he wanted to take it but before he could, he needed her to be okay with it as well.

"Hmm" she mused. "If you lived here, we could meet for lunch or go out for dinner without feeling like a clock was ticking off minutes behind us. If you lived here you could come over and watch movies-"

"Um, if I live here and I come over - we're doing way more than watching movies" he teased with a waggle of his eyebrows.

The apples of her cheeks flushed red and she shook her head at his ability to make her blush. "I would love it if you lived here."

His face split in a wide grin and he leaned in and kissed her passionately. "Want to come apartment hunting with me?" he asked.

"Best offer I've had all year."

xxxx
Robin looked down at the bandaid laid against the crook of her elbow. If she pulled it back and removed the small cotton ball she would be hard pressed to find the needle prick. Alan had insisted on a second set of tests and asked her to wait around for a few hours as he put a rush on her tests. It didn't matter how many times her blood was drawn, it never got easier. The knot in the pit of her stomach tightened and a cold sweat was ever present at the base of her neck.

One day as an undergrad she asked her lab teacher to show her what HIV looked like under the microscope. It astounded her that she expended so much energy fighting something that seemed invisible. If you didn't know what your enemy looked like, how could you beat it? It had been a simplistic view at the time but it had been reassuring to her to see what the virus looked like. It didn't provide her any answers but it gave her something to picture in her head when she needed to picture her meds working. Sitting in Alan's waiting room, she closed her eyes and called upon that picture again. She imagined the cluster of the virus decreasing and diminishing. When she pictured it leaving her body she always saw it as some kind of darkness being lifted. She would not give into the fear that seemed to swirl at her feet ready to envelope her if she let it.

She felt Alan standing in front of her before he called to her. His presence was one she had come to know well and good news or bad, she counted on him to be there. Opening her eyes she knew what he was going to tell her before he opened his mouth. And as Alan looked at her, he knew that she did as well.

"Robin," he began gently, "I'm afraid your viral load though stabilizing, does not appear to be responding to your medication the way we expect it to."

"Are you going to increase the dosage again?" She knew the answer but wanted to delay what was coming for as long as she could.

A small grimace crossed Alan's face and he gave a simple shake of his head. "I'm sorry Robin but we need to find a new protocol."

She felt the darkness descending.