Chapter 117

The sorrow grows deeper when the sorrow's denied

Sinking on to the bench overlooking the water, Robin pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs - to ward off the cold and the fear. Taking one deep breath after another she stared out at the water, looking desperately for the perspective she had told Patrick could be found here. Sighing heavily, she brought her forehead to rest on her knees.

Alan had been as he had always been - kind, patient, compassionate and hopeful. In anticipation of her needing a new protocol, he had consulted with a number of colleagues before determining which one he felt had the greatest possibility of succeeding. The good news was that she would be taking less pills on a daily basis than she had been. The bad news was it would take her body upwards of a month to adjust to all the new medication and the gamut of side effects waiting for her were heart stopping.

She had shed few tears over her HIV status, especially as an adult. For the most part she accepted and hated her diagnosis all at once. But this news had pushed her tears to the forefront. The side effects of the new meds made her feel ignoble. There was little elegance or dignity to be found when most of your days would be spent vomiting or with diarrhoea. She wondered if she would be able to find the make up she used the last time to cover the skin discoloration and rash that seemed to take over her body. If ever she needed a reminder of just how toxic the anti-retroviral medication was, watching her skin become covered in purple blotches did the trick.

Lifting her head, she pulled her collar up around her ears and watched the sunlight dance across the water in a hopeful prelude to spring. Given her current mindset, she would have preferred storm clouds.

Her mind wandered back to her small Parisienne apartment and the last time she had to change her medication. The stomach cramps felt as though a hundred rusty knives were slicing at her insides. The only food she could tolerate was plain pasta and the occasional container of yogurt. Anything else- everything else - was guaranteed to send her sprinting to the bathroom. The nausea would wash over her in the middle of the night and leave her kneeling by her toilet waiting for it to pass. It had become so difficult at one point that she left a pillow and a blanket in the bathroom so that she could sleep in between bouts.

But the worst, by far, had been the purple splotches on her skin. At first it had seemed contained to her torso and her arms - careful wardrobe selection ensured that no one would know. But then the splotches had moved up her neck and on to her face and she was devastated. Never a particularly vain woman she did pride herself on looking like everyone else, even when she was different. But the changing colours on her skin were a siren call announcing to the world that she was not the same as they were, that what she needed to keep her disease at bay was also polluting her body. She had arrived at the make up counter at Printemps department store and skulked around looking for a product, any product that would hide the marks of her medication. It had been humiliating to be moving among some of the most fashionable women in Paris while trying to hide her face. There had been a young man at one of the counters who spotted her and very kindly and compassionately, had brought her to another counter that had the product she needed. He had chatted breezily with her, ignoring the spots on her face, while he had explained the various selling features of the make up. After he had applied it, he had handed her a mirror and she had promptly burst into tears. The spots were covered and though the makeup was far thicker than anything she had ever worn, she looked normal. He had hugged her tightly, whispering "courage" and slipped a second bottle in her bag. He would never know what a lifeline he had been to her that day.

Her eyes were overfilled with tears as all those old feelings of loneliness rushed back. The mere idea that she had to do it again was like a vice grip around her heart. It mattered little in this moment that she knew she would get through it, she just didn't want to do it. There were a number of people she should see - Mac, Darren and most importantly Patrick - but she could not muster up the energy to tell any of them. She simply didn't want anyone to know. It was unreasonable of course because they would all come to know, one way or another, in time. But until she was ready, she would keep it to herself.

Swiping at her tears, she unfurled her legs and pulled herself off the bench. She check the prescriptions in her pocket and taking a deep breath headed towards the pharmacy. It was time to get started.

xxxxx
I can't believe you're moving here Patrick wrote, showing the board to Eric. Are you sure?

Alexis glared teasingly at Patrick. "Don't even think about trying to change his mind Drake, or I'll sue you for alienation of affection."

Patrick laughed loudly, shaking his head. "Sh-sh-she's feisty" he stammered.

"Damn straight" Eric replied, curling his fingers through hers. "And she found me an apartment in less than an hour - so she's a genius too."

As soon as Eric had asked her to help him with apartment hunting, she sprang into action. Before he could even find his bearings, she had circled half a dozen ads in the classifieds and started to set up appointments to view them. It took only three apartments before he found one that suited him. It was in walking distance of both the hospital and the waterfront and much like his apartment in New York, was a large loft with exposed beams and brick. The minute they had crossed the threshold he knew it was for him. Alexis was of the same view, telling him the apartment felt like him. With the afternoon suddenly free, Eric called Patrick asking if they could drop in. He had been slightly nervous about telling him he was accepting a job at General Hospital, worried that he would feel threatened, that his position as a surgeon was being called into question but he had been gracious and genuinely pleased to have his friend back in the same city.

"How are you doing?" Eric asked, eyeing him critically.

"T-t-tired" he answered honestly. "Ph-physio and speech on same day is h-h-hard."

He smiled sympathetically. "I know dude but you're a champion"

Patrick shook his head quietly and reaching inside his shirt pulled out the Michael the Archangel medallion. "N-not a champion - a w-w-warrior."

"You sure are" he answered softly.

Patrick tried to speak again but found his muscles exhausted and unwilling to cooperate. He reached for the board. Are we having a kegger for a house warming?

Alexis arched her perfectly groomed brow. "You're a party planner now Patrick?"

He smirked. Contemplating career options. He looked up expectantly as the lock turned and Robin came through the door; his broad smile shrank somewhat as he saw the strained look on her face.

Closing the door behind her, Robin inhaled quietly and hoped for the strength she needed. Peeling off her coat, she hung it on the rack and plastered a bright smile to her face. "This is a pleasant surprise" she lied, crossing the room and brushing her lips in a short needful kiss against Patrick's.

"We aren't staying" Alexis offered, noticing the dark circles emerging under her eyes.

Robin smiled gamely and waved her friend off. "Don't be silly." Patrick pulled her to his lap and kissed her shoulder. "What brings you to town Eric? Checking up on Patrick?"

"Actually I came to hand off Patrick's chart but ended up with a job offer."

She did a double take. "You're going to be working at GH?"

He nodded. "Yes and Alexis just found me an apartment so all that's left for me to do is move down here."

And he's a Rangers fan. You're outnumbered.

Robin snickered and cast an incredulous look in his direction. "As if"

"You tell him Robin" Alexis added. "I'm happy to cheer for whatever team you do"

"Ha!" She grinned. "Boys against girls."

Patrick rolled his eyes. Girls suck

"Only if you're very, very good" Robin replied throatily. She slid from his lap. "How about some drinks - something to toast the big move with?" she suggested. In truth, she just needed to get out of the room for a few minutes to gather herself. She had been expecting some solitude when she came home and to find company waiting had thrown her. She headed to the kitchen without waiting for an answer.

Alexis patted Eric's leg as she rose to her feet. "I'm going to help Robin with the drinks."

Patrick smirked as he watched his friend staring after his girlfriend. It was reassuring to see him letting go of the chains that held him back for so long. He wasn't always a generous person but Patrick wanted everything for Eric - he was his best friend and deserved nothing but the best.

You are so far gone

"Not sure you have any room to talk there big boy" Eric replied.

You guys are good together.

Eric nodded, blushing slightly. "We work. And she makes me feel like Superman - dumb, huh?"

Patrick shook his head. He knew exactly the feeling that his friend was talking about. There was something about being in love with Robin that made him feel invincible and it was a feeling he never wanted to let go of.

Not dumb. I'm happy for you. How is it working with her kids?

The corners of Eric's mouth twitched upwards in a smile as he gave a small shrug. "It's going well. We've done some stuff together and on the weekend Alexis is going to tell them that I'm her boyfriend and what that means for them"

It's tricky with kids - especially when they're not your own.

"I don't mind" he answered softly. "I really like her kids."

You could wind up being their stepfather

"We are a long, long way from that Pantsy."

I can't imagine being a father, he wrote.

Eric looked at the board and then to his friend. "And I can't imagine not being one."

Patrick set the board down and the table and flashed a small smile. "I'm h-h-happy f-for you" he told him earnestly.

"Thanks dude - and back at ya."

xxxxx
Robin spun around on her heel as she heard footsteps behind her in the kitchen. "Hey Alexis" she greeted her overly brightly. "What would you like to drink? Wine? Beer?"

Alexis leaned against the fridge, folding her arms across her chest. "How are you doing Robin?" she asked gently.

Shifting nervously from one foot to the other, Robin leaned back against the counter and didn't quite meet her friend's inquiring gaze. "I'm okay" she offered, "I...I'm getting ready to go back to work and I-"

"Don't be alarmed but I think your pants might be on fire" she said kindly.

Robin pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes and inhaled sharply. "Damn you and your magic lawyer skills," she joked weakly.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Dropping her hands to her sides, Robin met Alexis' eyes and shook her head. "Not...not yet," she whispered.

Her words were heavy and hung in the air; Alexis grimaced. Unfolding her arms, she opened them to her. "Well then, can I offer you a hug?"

She stood rooted in her spot unsure of what to do. Part of her wanted to run to Alexis' open arms and melt in her embrace and yet part of her was afraid all her strength would seep from her if she gave into it for even a moment. Her desire for comfort won out and crossing the kitchen, she hugged her tightly.

Alexis closed her arms around her. "When you're ready you can tell me" she said quietly, "anything you need - just ask, okay?"

Robin nodded against her shoulder, grateful for support coming from unexpected places. Slowly extricating herself from the embrace, she smiled sheepishly at her friend. "You have the most amazing knack for being here when I need you."

"I'm telling you, it's the Molly factor - you delivered her and kept us both alive and that means that you will always been in my orbit."

"Thank you" she mouthed. "We should probably get the drinks out there before they decide to redecorate or something." Opening the fridge, she pulled out four beers and placed them on the tray. Alexis grabbed glasses and followed her out of the kitchen.

As Robin passed out the beers, she caught Patrick's scribble on the board from the corner of her eye. I can't imagine being a father The words sent a chill through her. While they had never talked about being parents or if their future was to include children, it had never occurred to her that it was not a possibility for him. Shaking her head, she tried to push it from her mind; with everything going on they were a long way from that discussion.

"So what shall we toast to?" she asked, snuggling in next to Patrick.

"To new beginnings" Eric suggested.

"To new beginnings" they answered, clinking bottles.