Chapter 120

Let me see you through
Cause I've see the dark side too

He had no sooner pulled her into the house then she was bolting for the bathroom to be sick. When she had finally emerged from the bathroom, pale and slightly shaky, she saw her uncle sitting on the couch, a steaming mug of mint tea on the table and her favourite blanket folded neatly waiting for her. Pulling the soft afghan around her shoulders to ward off the chills, Robin dropped her head on Mac's shoulder and sighed tiredly. Mac lovingly stroked her hair and dropped a kiss on the top of her head.

There was a question poised on the tip of his tongue and clearing his throat, he decided to dive in. "Robin are you...is it possible....are you pregnant?"

Lifting her head, she looked at him wide-eyed in shock. "What?! No....no I'm not pregnant."

"Oh" he replied, feeling rather stupid. "It's just...well I thought with the nausea that you might be."

Clenching her eyes shut, she shook her head. "My...I'm...Alan has put me on a new HIV regimen yesterday and it feels like my body is rebelling from the inside out."

Swallowing down his own fear at her admission, Mac gathered her in his arms and held her tightly. "I am so sorry" he told her.

It was news that he had always lived in fear of - partially because of what a change in protocol did to her physically but mostly because of what a change in protocol meant in the long run. Each time her protocol was changed that meant there was another set of drugs that were no longer effective in keeping the virus at bay and given that there was not an unlimited number of drugs to combat HIV, it meant she was creeping ever closer to developing AIDS. He had had a front row seat as her boyfriend's body was ravaged by the disease before finally succumbing to it and the idea that his niece - his precious beautiful niece that he loved like his own child - could experience the same thing was more than he could bear.

She fisted his shirt, pressing her face into his chest, as a small trail of tears trickled from her eyes. "I'm tired of having HIV" she said quietly. "Can I be done with it now? Because I don't like living like this."

The words sliced through him with excruciating precision. His niece was a strong and resolute woman - her life left little room for her to be otherwise - but everyone had a breaking point. He tightened his embrace and kissed her cheek. "I love you Robin" he told her. He wished it was like a skinned knee or a nightmare where a few kisses and reassurances that the world was an okay place would make it all better.

Grateful for the safety of his embrace, she melted further against him. "I love you too Uncle Mac" she replied.

There were not many people that she could be completely honest with about her HIV but her uncle was definitely one of them. He often knew when she was struggling without her even having to tell him. He had been by her side every step of the way and though she was well aware of his fears for her, she appreciated that he would always put them aside and just be there when she needed him.

"What did Patrick say when you told him?"

The long pause before she finally answered gave Mac an uneasy feeling. "I haven't" she admitted.

Looking down at her Mac gave a gentle shake of his head. "Sweetheart, you can't keep this from him."

"I don't mean to - not forever - I just...I'm just not ready for him to know."

Furrowing his brow, Mac tilted his head to the side and gave her a curious look. "Why not?"

Carefully pulling herself from his arms, she shrugged. "I guess I don't think he can handle it right now. He nearly died Uncle Mac - three times."

"And do you somehow think that if you tell him what's going on with you it's going to make him sick?"

She sighed heavily and shook her head. "No but it could impact his recovery and there is nothing more important-"

Mac cut her off. "I told you once before and I'll tell you again - Patrick's health is important but it is not more important than yours and you can't decisions that impact your health in an effort to protect his. Not to mention, Robin, he will find out - either you'll tell him or he'll figure it out - and he will be devastated that you kept this from him."

"He kept his tumour from me for months" she snapped bitterly.

"So is this payback?"

Robin reached for the mug of mint tea and took a small, slow sip. "No" she answered regretfully. "I just...I don't know" she said softly.

"Robin you have someone who loves you and you aren't alone. I know that it's hard for you to trust him - partially because it's just hard in general for you to trust but also because he hurt you when he left. But the only way to rebuild trust is to take a step forward."

Taking another sip of tea she let his words roll around in her head. As always, he was both wise and fair in the advice he gave her. There was never an accusation, even if he felt she was making a mistake, just a gentle nudge in the right direction.

"I will tell him" she confirmed, "I just want to feel a little stronger before I do."

"I understand that" he said. "But just make sure you don't wait too long. Does he know where you are?"

"He thinks I'm at work," she replied sheepishly. She couldn't bring herself to meet his eyes as she knew he would be disappointed in her.

"Be careful Robin" he told her kindly. "Small lies generally give way to big lies and when that happens, when you give people a reason to doubt your integrity there isn't an apology in the world that can make up for it."

She pulled at her bottom lip. "I know," she answered hoarsely. "But...can I stay here for the day?"

"You can stay here as long as you'd like."

Setting her mug down on the table, Robin tiredly ran her hands over her face. Her uncle was right, as he always was, she just didn't know how she was going to tell Patrick.

xxxxx

The persistent knocking at the hotel room door took Eric by surprise. Pulling it open he was early bowled over by Alexis as she barged through. "I picked up a bunch of catalogues - decorating and furniture catalogues. I thought we could look at them and you might get an idea of hwo you want to decorate your new apartment."

Closing the door, Eric leaned against it and gave her a quizzical look. "I thought I was meeting you at the Black Tomato for lunch?" he asked watching as she set the books down and started to pace.

"We were - I mean we are but it's just that I was out and I saw these books and catalogues and thought about your new place and then I thought we could look at them together - I mean if you want my help to set up your new place. I'm not trying to impose myself - you have your own style and I respect that. I actually quite like your loft. Have you decided what you're going to do with your loft? Are you going to rent it or sell it? Maybe you don't want to sell it because if you don't like it here and you move back it would be nice to have a place to live - not to mention real estate in the City is so expensive and if you've found a place you like you should hold on to it. Would you rent it furnished? After all-"

As Alexis continued to pace and talk, Eric pushed himself off of the door and crossing the room, took her by the hand and pulled her onto his lap as he settled on the couch. He stopped her mid-sentence with a kiss. "Hi" he greeted her with a smile as he pulled back.

"Hi" she answered slowly.

"Did you knock over the Starbucks and down all of their espressos or something?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well - you're pacing like an expectant father in the waiting room and you're talking without breathing. What's up?"

"Nothing. I just...I saw some stuff and thought-"

He curled his fingers around her waist and looked up at her as she straddled his lap. "Alexis - you are clearly freaking out - do you want to tell me why?" he prodded gently.

"I'm not freaking out" she denied without quite meeting his gaze.

Pursing his lips together, he shook his head. "Are you...are you having second thoughts about me moving here? Maybe it's too much too soon?"

Taking a deep, steadying breath and linking her hands around his neck, she shook her head. "I'm not having second thoughts about you"

"Okay" he answered slowly, "so tell me what's going on that has you so wired for sound. Because I'm pretty sure it's not my decorating skills or lack thereof." Alexis tugged nervously at the hair at the nape of her neck and kept her gaze firmly over his shoulder. Reaching up, Eric cupped her cheek and ran his thumb along her skin. "Talk to me"

She swallowed thickly and looked at him. It had been a long time since anyone had given her such space to be herself without ridiculing her for it. "I...I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon."

Eric bit the inside of his cheek but kept his voice steady. "With your oncologist?" She nodded. "Is it a scheduled appointment or did something come up and they need to see you?"

"Scheduled" she answered quietly. "It's my 3 month appointment"

His face broke into a wide grin. "You could be getting an all clear today Alexis - that's great news!"

She shook her head. Too much had happened for her to trust the positive - it was just easier to believe the negative. "Or I could be getting scheduled for more chemo"

Pulling her closer to him, he brushed his lips against hers. "Do you want me to go with you?"

"I can't ask you to do that."

He cocked his head to the side. "You aren't asking, I'm offering. Alexis, I can go with you and ask questions you may not think of or explain things that you don't understand. Or I can go and say nothing and just hold your hand. You aren't alone in this."

A few stray tears tumbled down her cheeks and she swiped them away in frustration. "You're perfect" she told him tearfully.

Eric forcefully shook his head. "No I'm not - not even close. In fact, I can be a huge ass - ask Patrick - I just haven't really shown that side to you because I'm still trying to impress you."

Alexis giggled in spite of herself. "Oh you've impressed - especially the other night," she teased lightly. Eric winked in reply. Letting out a long slow breath, she nodded. "I'd really like it if you came with me" she told him, still nervous at letting him in that far.

He kissed her softly and gazed into her eyes. "You can count on me Alexis. I promise."

xxxxx

After leaving the diner, he had spent a long time lying on his bed staring up at the ceiling trying to process everything he had learned. He was still at a loss to reconcile the person who beat up his father with who he was - who he knew himself to be. And while having a piece of the puzzle was a start, in many ways it only made everything else more frustrating. One memory didn't lead to another like he was hoping it would and he was left to fumble in the dark.

Patrick took one final look around the apartment and smiled to himself. There were two bowls of popcorn and a bowl of M&Ms that Robin liked to melt over her popcorn, beer was poured and ready to go and her Devils sweater was waiting for her on the couch. He smoothed down his Rangers sweater and looked expectantly at the door. It wasn't the most romantic of dates but watching the Devils/Rangers game would be a low pressure activity and he hoped in the course of the evening, he could get Robin to open up and tell him what was troubling her. He wanted to help her, he just needed her to let him in.

Hearing Robin's keys in the door, he grabbed hold of her Devils shirt and perched himself on the edge of the couch and waited for her.

"Hi" he greeted her excitedly as she came through the door. "D-date night" His excitement plummeted as he looked at her. Dark circles framed her eyes and her face looked drawn.

Robin looked at the hockey sweater and then the table where he had laid everything out and felt both her stomach and her heart lurch. She had spent the day sleeping on her uncle's couch, trying to figure out what she was going to tell her boyfriend. Finally feeling settled enough to head home, she had still not worked out exactly what she was going to say. Seeing the date set up, she felt her courage dissipate.

"Hi" she said back, plastering a smile on her face. Walking to him, she kissed him gently. "Rangers playing Devils?" she asked hoping he wouldn't notice the panic rising inside of her.

"Y-y-yes" he told her as he slid an arm around her. He could sense she was ready to bolt and he had a sudden instinct to hold on to her. "L-loser wears w-w-winner's shirt."

Robin let out a shaky breath and smiled apologetically. "I'm so sorry babe but I...I....I have to work a double shift today."

Patrick furrowed his brow. "Wh-what?"

"Yeah- we're short staffed and I just came home to get my sneakers cause my feet hurt. I won't be home until the morning."

She pushed Mac's words about lying to the side in belief that she was doing this for the greater good. She could crash in her office or in an on-call room. She just needed some more time and didn't know how to ask for it without alarming him.

His bottom lip jutted out in a small pout. "Oh. S-s-sucks."

She swallowed thickly as she nodded. "I know. And I'm sorry. I'd like nothing better than to watch the game and munch on popcorn with you." The mere mention of the word popcorn made her stomach pitch and roll. "But I've been off for so long now, I can't refuse to help out." She untangled herself from his arms and headed back to the bedroom to retrieve her sneakers.

Patrick watched her go and was uneasy with what she wasn't telling him as much as he was with what she was saying. When she came back, he pulled her to him and kissed her passionately. Robin nearly dropped the shoes from her hands as she kissed him back. Gently pulling away, Patrick traced the outline of her lips with his finger. "You...can t-t-tell....me....anything" he stammered. "I c-c-c-c-can take it."

"I know" she whispered. "And what I want to tell you is that I'm so sorry I'm going to miss the game tonight and I hate not spending the night in your arms but I'll be back in the morning."

Knowing he would get nothing further from her, he nodded. "Love you."

"I love you too" she told him, before glancing at her watch. "I have to get back."

She bussed his lips quickly and disappeared out the door before he could say anything further. She ran down the stairs and dove into her car, dropping her running shoes onto the floor. Closing the door and then locking it, she cradled her head in her hands and wept.