Chapter 121

Truth is worth more than pride

"N-n-nice digs" Patrick said as he admired the wide open space of Eric's new loft, sinking down on to the large chocolate brown leather couch.

Eric smiled and handed his friend a beer before sitting down on the large, overstuffed chair. "Thanks dude." Still in transition between the two cities, he was happy to have settled in the major pieces of furniture in the new place. Rather quickly, it was beginning to feel like home. "Once I'm here full time, I'd like to have you and Robin over for dinner."

Dark clouds passed through Patrick's eyes. It had been a week since the Rangers/Devils game and his failed date night and every day he felt Robin slipping further and further away from him. She was regularly working double shifts at the hospital and between his physiotherapy and speech therapy, they were like two ships passing in the night. He had tried on several more occasions to get her to talk to him but she continued to maintain there was nothing bothering her rather she was simply tired from the punishing pace of her shifts at work. He knew there was more than that but with his compromised speech it was difficult to get anywhere.

"R-r-robin working a lot."

Eric raised his eyebrows in surprise. He had been spending much of his free time at the hospital getting acquainted with his new team and the procedures and not only had he not seen Robin, he was sure he had heard someone saying that Doctor Scorpio was away. "Everything okay Pantsy?" he probed carefully.

Patrick shook his head. It was hard to explain what exactly was wrong since he had nothing but his own instincts to go on but things were most definitely not okay. "Robin in trouble."

Setting his beer down on the table, Eric leaned forward, furrowing his brow. "What kind of trouble?"

"I th-th-think it's me. But sh-she won't talk to me," he answered haltingly. "Not sure what to do."

"Have you asked her what's going on?"

Patrick rolled his eyes in frustration. There was a sarcastic remark dangling on the end of his tongue but he couldn't say it. The more stressed he was, the greater the difficulty he had with his speech. His therapist had given him exercise to quiet his mind so as to help his speech but there was little quiet to be had these days. He relied more on his board rather than less which only exacerbated his frustration.

She won't talk to me. Smitty I clearly did something to hurt her deeply and I need someone to tell me. How can I ever make it right if I don't know what I did?

Eric pinched the bridge of his nose and swallowed down his irritation. He had agreed, back in the Hamptons, to Robin's request not to tell Patrick that in the final month before his surgery he had moved to New York. He understood her point about him being strong enough but it was beginning to border on the absurd and it was painfully evident to him that she wasn't telling him to protect Patrick, she was doing it to protect herself. He just had no idea what she was trying to protect himself from. He had an inkling that his girlfriend might know but he would have better luck getting state secrets from the CIA then he would getting Alexis to give up a confidence.

"You just have to give her some more time Pantsy," he offered weakly.

Patrick slammed his hand on the board in anger. How can I give her time if I don't know what she needs time for? At some point I need the truth and I think that point is now. Obviously you know what it is so I want you to tell me.

"No," he replied with a small shake of his head. "It's not my story to tell Patrick."

"F-fuck you," he spat.

Eric grimaced. He wasn't offended by his words, he just wished there was a way to make it easier for him. "Back to using your Scrabble words, huh?"

Patrick glowered at him; it wasn't Eric's fault but with few outlets for his anger he could not help himself. I love her and it feels like I'm not being allowed to.

"Do you think she doubts you love her?"

"N-no. B-but knowing and letting m-me love her are n-not the same th-th-thing"

Reaching for his beer, Eric took a long drink of it and studied his friend's face. It used to be almost impossible to read his feelings as he considered it a sign of weakness to let anyone know if he was affected by something but one of the side effects of confessing your love to another person was that it became harder and harder to hide your feelings. Where once his face would have been a blank slate it was now covered in layers of emotions.

Picking at the label on his bottle, Eric took a deep breath. "Do you remember when I finally got released from the hospital?"

Nodding, Patrick gave him a curious look. "Y-you were f-f-f-frail."

"Yeah. But not as frail as everyone treated me. The thing is Pantsy, everyone including you, had come so close to losing me. I mean hell, I was in a coma for a week and had last rites given. You all watched me deteriorate and saw it in a way that I never could. It was scary and frightening and tested everyone's faith. And while I got better and was ready to just get on with things you, my sisters and even my parents in their own way, weren't ready to let me. You guys paid such an emotional price for my illness that it wasn't easy to let it go and just move on. Everyone needed time to trust that I wasn't just going to up and die as I had come so close to doing so many times."

Patrick ran his hand over his hair, now a good two inches high and slowly covering some of the surgical scars. Those first few months after his friend had been released from hospital were terrifying for him. There had been so many set backs along the way that Patrick had been convinced that another one was just around the corner.

"You....think Robin....is l-l-like that?"

Pursing his lips together, he gave a small shrug. "I think it would be entirely probable that she is. Pantsy, we went through your chart and you saw that your tumour was galloping out of control. You remembered what happened with your Dad at Kelly's which led to you-" Catching himself, he took a sip of his beer to cover his near reveal. "You need to be patient. Don't stop pushing her to tell you what's going on but try and understand where she's coming from."

Patrick exhaled quietly and nodded. He knew what Eric was saying was right. After having reviewed his chart line by line he had remained shocked at how progressive the tumour had been and was left wondering all the ways it had manifested itself. But none of that did anything to quell his worry.

It feels like I'm losing her. I don't want to have come through all this just to lose her.

"Pantsy, from what I have seen of your girlfriend she isn't likely to walk away. I think whatever she's dealing with, she's trying to do it on her own and it has her caught in her head. Kind of like you're caught in your head."

Drinking greedily from his beer, he realized he was going to have to show her how to trust him again. Though not entirely sure how to do that, he knew he would figure it out - his relationship and everything that mattered to him depended on it.

How are things with Alexis?

Eric smirked. "She told me last week that she thinks I'm perfect."

Scoffing loudly, Patrick quickly reached for his board. You're not perfect. You're an ass - you think asking people to pull your finger is funny and you put empty milk cartons back in the fridge.

He laughed. "Yes but what's important here is that she doesn't know it." Draining his beer, he set the empty bottle back on the table. "Did I mention I'm kinda glad to be back in the same city as you again?"

Patrick grinned. "Me t-t-too"

xxxx
Closing the door behind her, Robin sighed gratefully as she called out for Patrick and got no response. She had been spending her days at her uncle's home trying to ride out the devastating side effects of her medication change. While there, Mac continued his gentle but firm campaign for her to share her health news with her boyfriend. She had resolved to tell him the truth but would only do so after the side effects had passed. In her reasoning she felt it would be less frightening or worrisome for him if he could be assured she was fine.

Dropping her purse on the breakfast bar and walking back to the bedroom she quickly stripped off her clothes and stood in front of the full length mirror. It was proving to be a challenge, to keep Patrick from seeing her naked body, but as the first splotches of discolouration had appeared four short days after her change in medication, she was determined to do so. On a completely shallow level she worried that he would lose interest in her if he saw them - that such a visible and ugly reminder of the virus coursing through her body - would make him re-thing being intimate with her and even whether or not it was worth it to love her. As she traced her fingers over the marks on her torso she thought it was hard enough to love herself when she looked like this.

After more than a week of mostly missing each other, she promised they would have some downtime together and had suggested a movie night. It would be low key enough to not drain her and wouldn't likely involve any food that would push her over the edge. She just needed to get through the next week or so and then she would be back on track.

Grabbing her robe from the back of the door, she walked into the bathroom and turned on the water. Once it was hot enough, she slipped into the shower and pulled the curtain over behind her. Closing her eyes, she let the spray wash over her and the heat from the water worked at unknotting her tired muscles. Her entire body was a ball of tension and she savoured the release the water brought. It was almost over - it was a phrase she kept repeating to herself over and over again.

xxxx
Feeling better after his talk with Eric, Patrick closed the apartment door behind him and shrugged off his coat, tossing it on the rack. Spying Robin's purse, he called out to her but got no answer. Heading down the hallway and hearing the shower running a small smile formed on his lips. Dashing into the bedroom, he quickly toed off his shoes and tugged his sweatshirt over his head, tossing it on the bed before stepping out of his jeans. Clad only in his black boxer/briefs, he snuck into the bathroom and pulled the shower curtain back.

"Sh-showering together is good for the-" The words died on his lips as his eyes were drawn to small clusters of dark purple patches along her back and her shoulders. He felt as though he had just run head first into a wall.

Robin spun around in shock and tried in vain to wrap the shower curtain around her. "Get out!" she cried.

Patrick could not stop staring at the spots. His heart was thundering wildly in his chest and he was sure his legs were going to give way. "Wh-wh-what is going on?"

"GET OUT!" she cried again. "GET OUT!!"