Chapter 126

May your hope give us hope

"You should be sleeping" Eric admonished kindly as he climbed into bed with her.

Her eyes were heavy and her entire body ached. As he had predicted she and her daughters were all feeling miserable in the grips of the chicken pox. It had been a restless night for everyone and day two wasn't showing any signs of getting better.

"I can't" she rasped.

Lying on his side, propped up on his elbow, he stroked her cheek. "What's up?" he asked softly.

Staring straight ahead, she chewed on her bottom lip. Even though she had asked him to stay she found it difficult to let him take care of her. It was a constant internal battle for her to accept his support without worrying that it would be snatched away the moment she started to rely on it. She knew he wasn't like her ex-husband or previous lovers but those battle wounds ran deep and were not easily forgotten.

"Are the girls okay?" she asked.

"Itchy and Scratchy are fine," he reassured her teasingly. "They're both sound asleep in their beds." He pressed a kiss to her temple. "Tell me what's got you so tied up in knots"

She inhaled sharply. It was part of the Cassadine DNA not to demonstrate weakness in front of others but from the first moment she had met him, her vulnerability had been on display. She hated that but at the same time recognized how carefully he had been with her.

"Tell me again" she asked him, finally meeting his eyes. "Tell me again that this isn't going to make my cancer come back."

"Aww Lexi" he sighed. Moving right up against her he draped his arm across her waist and kissed her neck.

He knew all too well the doubts and uncertainties that could overwhelm a person after a long illness. It took time to accept that a cold was just a cold and not a fast track back to chemo. And though he had already reassured her several times he understood that it was not easy to believe.

"You're going to feel miserable for a few more days. Your skin is going keep itching and your appetite is going to be questionable but I promise the chicken pox isn't going to make your cancer come back."

Dropping her gaze, she smiled sheepishly. "I may need you to tell me a few more times before all this is over."

Smiling, he bussed her lips. "I will tell you as many times as you need to hear it. You know what else I'll tell you?"

"What?" The corners of her mouth twitched up into a smile at his playful tone.

"That I love you."

Burying her head against his shoulder she exhaled. "Have I mentioned how glad I am you're here?"

"You have" He kissed he cheek. "But you can also show me how grateful you are when you're better" he teased. Alexis slid her arms around his waist and curled her body into his. "Go to sleep now, okay? Everything is under control."

"'Kay" she mumbled sleepily, encouraged by the warmth of his body.
Alexis hadn't been asleep very long when the bedroom door creaked open. Lifting his head from the pillow where he had been dozing, Eric saw Kristina creeping in, pulling her blanket behind her.

"Hey Kristina" he whispered, getting out of bed. "You okay?"

She shook her head. "My tummy hurts"

"I'm sorry sweetie" he told her sympathetically, "do you want me to get you some gingerale?"

She nodded, sliding her hand through his. "And can I watch a Dora video?"

"Sure"

He led her out of the bedroom so Alexis could rest and got her set up on the couch. He tucked her blanket around her and popped in a dvd before heading to the kitchen for something to settle her stomach.

Returning with a mug of gingerale, he handed it to her and sat down beside her. The young girl sipped the gingerale before setting the mug down. Much to Eric's surprise, she grabbed her blanket and snuggled into his lap. He closed his arm around her, soothingly rubbing her back and kissed the top of her head.

Having already fallen head over heels for Alexis he now found he was falling in love with her family. His head was screaming at him to be careful but his heart was full and blocking out the noise.

xxxxx

As Alan had predicted, her body had begun to adjust to the medication and while she was still exhausted from both the change in protocol and everything that came before, she was feeling better than she had in quite some time.

Patrick had moved the television from the bathroom to the bedroom and they had spent the last two days in bed watching movies and sleeping. The complete rest was proving to be beneficial for both of them and Robin was relishing the time to just be with each other.

During a break in their movie marathon, Patrick had raised the issue of making love. She knew the conversation was inevitable and as difficult as it was for her to admit it, she told him the real reason she had turned him down the last time – that with her change in viral load, his risk also changed and she could not let him take it without being fully informed. She also admitted, rather awkwardly, that she did not feel desirable; that the discolouration of her skin, which was beginning to fade, was too stark a reminder of her illness.

All the while she had been speaking he had held her hand, bringing it to his lips and he had threaded his legs through hers, joining them together. He had reached for his white board and told her that his attraction for her had not waned and that his disease was a part of her, not who she was and when she was ready he would show her over and over again how desirable she was.

Reading those words had flipped her heart over in her chest and she once again marvelled at having found a man like him.

"Are you crying?" Robin asked, trying to sneak a look at him.

Patrick clenched his eyes shut. "N-no"

"Oh my god! You are! You're crying over Rose and Jack!"

"Sh-shut it" he told her teasingly.

They were alternating movie choices and when it had been Robin's turn she picked 'Titanic' eliciting a vocal protest of groans and grousing from Patrick. Less than halfway through the epic she could hear him sniffling and turning her head nearly burst out laughing as she saw tears pooling in his eyes.

"Oh I am soooo going to be torturing you with this for MONTHS," she teased. "You step out of line and I'm telling Eric you're bawling like baby at Titanic. Heck, you step out of line and I'll make a poster about it and put it up at the hospital!"

Rolling his head, he nipped her earlobe. "H-h-hate you."

"Nah. You luuurve me" She kicked back the covers. "I'm going to get us some drinks – do you want juice or tea?"

Hitting the pause button, Patrick smiled. "T-tea."

"I'll be right back."

Watching as she left the room and delighting in the return of the spring in her step, he flopped back against the pillows. He looked down at the white board, never far from reach, and swallowed down the urge to hurl it against the wall. There had been a period after his surgery, at the Hamptons, were every day he seemed to improve by leaps and bounds but now he seemed stalled. There was a growing possibility, in his mind, that he would stay like this – stuttering in incomplete sentences, a large void in his memory and completely unable to return to the work that was his passion. After all, the only thing worse than a surgeon with a shaky hand was a surgeon with a shaky hand who couldn't speak.

Both his speech therapist and his physiotherapist had tried to reassure him that he was progressing well but he didn't see it. And he didn't believe anyone would see him as anything but a sick person for as long as the aphasia and amnesia lasted. He wanted his life back. All of it.

Seeing the pinched look on Patrick's face, Robin paused at the bedroom door. "That's not a happy face" she observed as she came in the room carrying a small tray. "What happened? Did you fast forward the movie and see the ending?"

Patrick smirked and shook his head. "N-no."

Climbing back into bed, she brushed her hand against his forehead. "What's got you so deep in thought?"

Sighing heavily, he pulled the board to his lap. Sick to death of having to write what I want to say, of not being able to speak more than three words at a time and I'm fed up with not remembering.

"I know it's hard Patrick and I'm sorry it's not going faster" She had found him to be fairly well adjusted during his recovery but knew that his ease with his situation was directly tied to his patience and as one ran out so would the other.

Patrick looked at her, pulling on his bottom lip as he contemplated the question on the tip of his tongue; it had been there for a few weeks but he had not been ready to ask it. Now, he was beginning to feel he couldn't move forward if he didn't.

"What is it?" she asked, knowing the look on his face well.

Patrick picked up his pen. Did I write you a letter?

Robin looked at him in surprise.

I wrote one to my dad. Did I write one to you?

Wanting to keep the information about his leaving quiet, she had hoped before that he would not ask about the letter. But now that it was out and he knew, there was little reason to keep it from him.

Swinging her feet to the floor, she walked to the dresser and opening up her jewellery box, pulled out the well worn envelope. Climbing back on the bed, she handed it to him.

Taking it in his hands, he stared at her. He wasn't sure he had written a letter but hoped if he had it would help him unlock some more memories. Now that it was in his hands, he was less sure of himself.

"Go ahead and read it," Robin encouraged.

His hand shook a little as he lifted the letter from the envelope and unfolded it. He sucked in a breath as he began to read.

Dear Robin -

I've never written a love letter before and I think that will become almost painfully clear to you as I clumsily try to tell you what's in my heart.

I know you are likely still very angry with me for leaving, for being another person to leave you but I hope some day you will understand that I truly did it with your best interests at heart. As painful as leaving you that day was, I know that watching me fail as I have done over the last month would be more painful. But being who you are, you would never let show and it would have been too easy to stay and let you care for me. This is the first time in my life where I want to put someone's needs above mine and I hope that you will come, in time, to understand why I did it.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about my life in the last month and I realize that before I met you my life was pretty black and white. I never spent a lot of time thinking about things, I was always looking for the next good time. I had no interest in relationships because I didn't think they would be worth the effort - the truth is I didn't think anyone would really want me for the long haul. But then you busted into that OR radiating colours behind you like I have never seen before and my life changed in an instant.

You threw me off balance - you still do - and made me question things about myself that I had taken for granted. I didn't know how to listen to my heart until you showed me how and now the damn thing won't shut up.

I have always known what love is but I had never experienced it. I didn't know that a kiss could really make someone weak in the knees or that holding your hand could send a rush through me unlike anything I have ever felt. But mostly I didn't know how amazing it could feel to trust someone with who I am and have that given back to me 100 times over.

I remember standing on the roof after the Gilbert surgery and my head was jumble of thoughts. I was panicked with no clue of what to do next and then as you often do, you showed up just when I needed you most. The moment I held you in my arms I felt like I could breathe again. I could barely say it to myself, let alone to you but I was already in love with you. I suppose there are lots of people who can remember the exact moment they fell in love but I can't. It wasn't one moment, it was a million tiny ones - it's the way you roll your eyes at one of my cheesy lines or when you asked me what was wrong with wanting to feel safe and unafraid. It's the way you saunter away from me and toss me a look over your shoulder knowing it drives me crazy or when you held my hand through my dad's surgery. It's watching you get up on a stage and tell a roomful of people about some of your lowest moments so that they will dig deep and help prevent another person from living what you have lived. It's every time we make love and you wrap your body around mine. It's waking up next to you or talking to you on the phone. It's having you hold my hand and tell me everything will okay when I am not sure it ever will be again - but I believe because you tell me so.

Falling in love with you is not a one time thing, it's an every day thing.

The claddagh necklace that I gave you probably does a better job of expressing what you mean to me than anything I could write. Before anything else, you are my friend - I like hanging out with you - playing pool, going to a hockey game or watching a movie. You are loyal - I have watched you take on all comers to protect what and who is important to you and it is a most impressive sight. To be a part of that, to be the recipient of your loyalty and trust is not something I take lightly. And you have the biggest heart of anyone I have ever known and that you've let me live in a corner of it is the greatest gift I have ever been given.

My greatest wish is that I come through surgery with flying colours and no side effects - that I have the opportunity to love you once more and I will fight with everything I have to do that. But I want you to promise that if something goes wrong, if I'm incapacitated in some way that you will go on without me. Robin, you have so much love and goodness to give and deserve so much in return that I don't want you to waste it on me if I can't give it back to you.

I have never been as complete in my life as I am with you. Loving you has been the best thing I have ever done and I thank you for sharing yourself with me.

I love you. Forever.

Patrick.

His eyes shimmered with tears and he swallowed down the acrid lump in his throat. While the memories he was hoping for did not come galloping back he did hear, in his own voice, how much pain and how desperate he was. His chest tightened at the revelation.

Robin put her hand on his shoulder and smiled lovingly at him. "It was the most beautiful thing anyone has ever given me," she told him. "And it was from your words that I drew strength."

He was too overcome to respond as he skimmed the letter a second time.

"I wrote you a letter" she said quietly. "While you were in the hospital. Would you like to read it?"