Chapter 133

I feel just like I'm sinking
And I claw for solid ground

The crackle of the fire echoed in the small cabin as they stared silently at each other. Robin's chest heaved as panic swept through her. It was the nightmare scenario for her. It was a risk they took every single time but she lived in state of denial that it could ever happen. Now that it had, she was inert.

Patrick carefully removed the condom and checked the tip. It was the tiniest of tears but large enough to have exposed him. He looked over at Robin and saw her face crumple for the briefest of moments before she clenched her jaw tightly, willing herself to stay strong.

"It's sm-sm-small" he told her trying to reassure her.

Panic gave way to anger and Robin snatched her jeans from underneath the pile of clothes. She tugged them over her legs and then grabbed her bra and sweater. She was dressed in under 30 seconds.

"I don't care how small it is" she answered tightly. "Get dressed, we're going to the hospital."

Patrick watched her carefully and felt his heart sink. There were many things he could understand, rationalize or empathize with but he knew there was nothing in his experience that would allow him to understand what she was feeling at this very moment. He thought often of her HIV but it was always in relation to her health, their future, her longevity and while those things could be burdensome unto themselves, they were but small matters compared to her knowing she was always at risk of passing on the virus to another person – to him. The knowledge about her disease that she had to carry with her could be oppressive at time and it was a miracle that rather than buckling under the weight of it she threw herself into her life, she opened herself to experience all there was to have. In this very moment he hoped he was not watching the beginnings of her closing herself off.

"You ok-kay?" he asked as he picked up his jeans.

"Am I okay? Am I okay?" she scoffed angrily. "Why sure Patrick, I'm just fine. After all I've only just exposed the man I love to a terminal disease. And this on the heels of him almost dying once. So yeah, I'm fine. Never better."

Pulling his shirt on, he buttoned it quickly but left it untucked. He walked towards her and reached for her hand, grimacing as she shook him off. "R-robin,"

"We don't have time" she snapped, quickly walking around the room and blowing out all the candles. "We have to go to the hospital. So get your shoes on and let's go – stop fucking wasting time."

Slinging his hands low on his hips he stared at her. Anger was leaching from her and filling the room. He didn't know if she was angry with him, the condom or herself and in the end it didn't matter; there was no point in being angry at any of it, it was no one's fault.

He crossed the room to where she was rooting around for something in her purse and closed his arms around her. She squirmed trying to get away from him but he was too strong for her and he just held her. For a moment – just one moment – she gave in to it and leaned back against him, swallowing down the tearful lump that was filling her throat. Feeling his kiss on her cheek snapped her out of fleeting reverie and escaped from his embrace.

"Are you ready?"

Sighing in temporary defeat Patrick nodded and returned to the fireplace to extinguish the fire. He pulled his jacket from the back of his chair and tugged it on. Collecting his board and small bag in one hand, he held out his other hand to her only to have her rebuff him again. He cursed his poor speech. How would he ever be able to reassure her both that he was alright and of his love if all he could do was stammer and trip over his own tongue? What she needed, what she desperately needed, was for him to not sound as though he was sick or weak but being inarticulate did little to help him make his case.

Flinching as she hurled her bag into the back seat before slipping into the driver's seat, Patrick rubbed his hand over his heart where his tattoo lay. It was going to be a long night and they were going to need all the help they could get.

Robin gripped the steering wheel so tightly as she manoeuvred her car over the snow covered roads that her knuckles were white. Her heart hammered loudly in her chest belying her fear and dread so she turned up the radio hoping to drown it out. She had exposed someone else to HIV. This wasn't like his exposure operating on April Gilbert, something that had happened through an act of courage, this was – she had exposed him not to HIV but to her HIV and the thought of it made her sick to her stomach.

She had long lived with the knowledge that she had the power to change someone's life forever; all that was needed was a slip of a knife or a broken condom. Stone died knowing he had made her sick and while she had survived a lot since then she was not sure that she could survive making Patrick sick. This – this was why she had hidden from love and relationships. It was easy to say she did so because she didn't want to be hurt again but truthfully, deep down inside, it was because of this. Having HIV and being intimate with someone carried a responsibility that was almost impossible to wrap your head around.

Stealing a look at Patrick, who was staring out the window while wringing his hands, she felt a war of emotions break out inside of her. Fear, guilt, love, anger and they all were threatening to swallow her whole. She wanted to say something to him, she wanted to tell him how sorry she was but she was afraid to open her mouth. She was afraid if she opened her mouth she would start screaming and never stop. She tightened her grip on the steering wheel and bit down on her cheek.

*****

After almost an hour of driving in stark silence, Robin was grateful to see the familiar neon shine of the hospital sign. As they exited the car she moved to reach for his hand but shoved her hands in her pockets instead. She just….she wasn't ready to touch him. It was stupid and irrational and it made no difference. Much like the purple spots on her skin this was one more slap in the face reminder of how pervasive her disease was.

As they walked through the front door she paused and Patrick spun around, giving her a questioning look.

"I just realized I don't think Alan is working tonight" she said softly, her eyes downcast.

"Th-then who?" he asked quietly as he tried to get her to look at him.

She shrugged. "I…I don't know…I guess we could-"

Patrick took her hand in his and gave it a small squeeze. "K-kelly," he stated. "We s-s-see Kelly." Too tired to push him away and not really wanting to anyways, she nodded and let him lead her to the elevator.

As the large doors closed he drew her to him and wrapped her in his arms, dropping a kiss on the top of her head. He gave a sigh of relief as he felt her arms go around him and squeeze him tightly.

"I'm sorry" she whispered. "I am so very sorry."

Sliding his finger under her chin, he tipped her face towards him. "No – no ss-s-sorry. I love you."

Unable to speak Robin sucked in a breath and buried her face into his chest breathing in his warmth. As the doors dinged open Patrick gave her a quick kiss and keeping hold of her hand they walked together to Kelly's office.

****

The obstetrician was surprised to see her friends sitting in her waiting area and judging by the haunted look on Robin's face she had an inkling of what the problem was. Greeting them warmly, she ushered them into her office.

"So, what's going on?" she asked breezily.

Robin cleared her throat. "The condom broke."

"Okay," she nodded, turning her attention to Patrick. "Patrick do you have any sores, cuts or scrapes on your penis?" He shook his head. "I will call down to the pharmacy and have them fill a prescription for PEP."

Robin groaned. It had to be done but memories of his struggles during his first few days on PEP the last time flashed before her eyes. He had already been through so much – radiation, chemotherapy, surgery – and now just as he was feeling stronger he was going to get knocked down again.

Patrick brought her hand to his lips and kissed it. "It's ok-k-kay" he reassured her.

"It's not" she answered quietly, "but it's awfully nice of you to say so."

His brown eyes flashed with pain as he looked at her. She was struggling to keep her head above water and after all she had just come through – his surgery, his leaving, her protocol change – this could be the straw to break the camel's back.

"Robin," Kelly interrupted, "do you want the morning after pill?"

"What?" she asked quickly, blinking in surprise.

"The morning after pill" she repeated. "To prevent pregnancy – I mean – I don't know where you guys are at but it's an option if you want it."
Robin looked from Patrick to Kelly and back again. "I, uh…I don't know – uh – isn't it hard on the system?"

"It can be," she replied. "Most women experience vomiting and nausea, dizziness, headaches and irregular bleeding to some degree but it usually passes in about two days."

"I don't know" she stammered, looking to Patrick. "What do you think?"

Pushing her chair back, Kelly rose to her feet. "Why don't I give you guys some time to talk it over while I go get Patrick's prescription ready?"

"Thanks Kel," Robin smiled gratefully.

Her friend patted her shoulder as she left the room.

"Do you want me to take the pill?" Robin asked as she turned in her seat to face him.

Scrambling to his feet, Patrick walked to Kelly's desk retrieving a pen and a pad of paper. It was killing him to have to write the conversation.

It's up to you he wrote, I will support you no matter what you choose to do.

A faint smile crossed her lips as she read his note. "But you must have an opinion" she suggested thinking back to the note he had written to Eric about being unable to imagine being a father.

Tapping the pen against his lips Patrick contemplated his answer. I think your body has been through the ringer in the last few weeks and I worry what another few days of throwing up and being dizzy will do to you. It is really unlikely that you could become pregnant from this – there was as much left in the condom as there was in you. It would not be my first option for you but it is ultimately your choice.

Robin chewed on her bottom lip. "And my cycles are kind of out of whack anyways. I…I really don't want to spend another two days puking my guts out."

Then I think that is your answer.

As the enormity of the situation crashed over her like a wave, her eyes filled with tears. "I am so sorry Patrick – you have no idea how sorry."

"St-t-top" he stammered. This isn't your fault. This isn't my fault. This was an accident.

"Patrick, you have to go on PEP – AGAIN!" she cried. "I could have infected you!"

You didn't he scribbled furiously The chances of me contracting HIV from you are small and add the PEP I am in good shape. Robin, this was bound to happen – and will happen again – if we're going to build a life together. It's part of the risk of us being together and being with you – us being together is worth it.

"Don't say that" she whispered, swiping at her eyes. "Nothing is worth that."

"You are" he told her as he pulled her to his lap. He draped his arm around her hip and pressed a kiss to her neck. "You are."

Letting out a long, slow breath, she dropped her head to his shoulder and linked her fingers through his. "I'm going to need you to be patient with me."

"As l-l-long as it t-t-takes." He placed their joined hands over his heart.

"I love you"