Chapter 139

I know when I close my eyes
I will see the light come on shining through

Hearing a light rap on his office door Eric waved the person in without even looking up. "I'll be with you in a moment," he said distractedly, "I just need to finish this note."

"You g-g-gave me b-beer the w-week before surgery. B-bad doctor" Patrick teased.

Eric's head snapped up in surprise. "Did you…you remember?"

Grinning like a Cheshire cat, Patrick slipped into the chair on the other side of his desk and nodded. "All of it."

Dropping his pen on the desk he blew out his cheeks. A wave of relief washed over him. He had been consumed by a sense of failure where Patrick was concerned. It was easy for others to tell him to rejoice in him having survived the surgery with almost all functions in tact but he couldn't. Resuming his career after cancer he had dedicated himself to being the best surgeon there was and while there were others, like Patrick, who were more innately talented, no one worked harder than he did and he had the results to prove it. His friend had asked him to be his surgeon so that he would not just survive but thrive, so that he would come out the other side strong and whole; Patrick's stutter and memory loss cut at him in the way few things had ever done.

"Fuck me Pantsy" he sighed, "that is amazing. When did this happen?"

"Y-yesterday" he replied. "Al-l-lexis gave me my w-will and it came b-back."

Eric smiled and shook his head in wonderment. "How are you feeling with it all?"

Patrick shrugged. "It's b-big but ok-kay." Reaching into his knapsack, he pulled out the dry-erase board and a pen.

I'm not sure how I start to thank you. Knowing – remembering – how awful it was is hard but I also remember you being by my side without question. You pushed, you pulled and you gave me unconditional support. And on top of that you saved my life.

Giving a small, wistful smile Eric shook his head. "Pantsy, you're my best friend, there was nowhere else for me to be."

Patrick studied his friend's face carefully and saw for the first time how fatigued he looked. He had called on him for any number of crises while he was sick and after surgery and had given little thought to the toll it was taking on him. That was one of the consequences of being ill – it made you selfish, and it wasn't until you were through it that you had any capacity to even recognize it.

"How's Al-lexis?" he asked with a small smirk.

Pursing his lips together, he shrugged. "She's good. Our schedules haven't been that compatible lately but I'm working on rectifying that."

And Josh?

Eric narrowed his eyes. "Why? Trying to decide if I need another lecture or not?" he snapped.

His answer told him everything he needed to know. Not rising to the bait Patrick simply shook his head. "J-just asking."

He scoffed. "You and Alexis both act like I'm doing something wrong. He's a kid – he's a six year old kid who is all alone and so what if I spend some time in his room reading to him or keeping him company? Where's the fucking harm in that?"

"N-no harm to him" Patrick stammered. "B-b-but to you."

"Oh give me a break," he answered, rolling his eyes. "I'm not so fragile that I'm going to collapse under a light breeze. You just don't get it – you don't have parental inclinations, you don't really like kids and so to you it's a big deal."

"N-not true"

"Patrick you said you don't see yourself as a father," he reminded him.

Sighing, he reached for his pen. I don't. But that doesn't mean I don't like kids. I have never pictured myself being a parent but I also never thought I would fall in love or want to get married. Things change – I may not see myself as a father but it doesn't mean I don't want to be one someday.

"Good for you" Eric answered flatly. There was a small voice inside his head telling him he needed to be more generous, that this was a big admission on his friend's part but he was too tired, too confused by his own feelings to find that generosity.

Patrick grimaced at his friend's reaction. He considered Eric to be one of the most unflappable people he knew, he had a tendency to roll with the punches. But every once in a while his real feelings on a subject would come roaring to the surface and he would be reminded that he still struggled.

Josh is important to you he pointed out.

"He's my patient. All my patients are important to me. Jesus, if this was an adult patient you wouldn't even say anything. Hell, if it were a woman, you'd be cheering me on from the sidelines."

"No. I l-like Al-lexis." And if this were an adult patient I wouldn't worry about you setting yourself up to get hurt.

"Oh for fuck's sake," he groaned. "Yes, he's a child and no, I can't have children does that mean every time I look at a child I'm ready to crumble? Give me a break."

You got attached to peds patients before he reminded him and it was hard for you when they left.

"That was four years ago" he hissed, "and I had just started back to work and you know it. Where the hell do you get off?"

Patrick hastily wiped the board clean and wrote again. Because you are my best friend.

Eric started to rock his chair back and forth. It was all such a fine line for him and he didn't need nor did he want others pointing that out to him. "Do you know what they did to him Patrick? Do you? He would complain about his shunt from dialysis or about the pain in his back and they would punch him. His shunt got infected and he cried and they couldn't get him to stop so they rammed his head in to a wall – until he passed out. Why? Because he wasn't perfect. They punished him and beat him and hurt him because he wasn't turning out to be the child they wanted, the perfection they had hoped for. He was a little bit different and instead of embracing him and loving him they tried to beat the life out of him."

He wiped at the unexpected tears that had formed in his eyes. "They beat him Patrick," he whispered. "That beautiful boy and they treated him like garbage. No child should be rejected because his isn't perfect."

Patrick looked at his friend and was awash in sadness. They had lived so many similar experiences, including being abandoned by their parents but Noah had come back and done everything he could to remind him that he loved him; Eric had not been granted that grace.

You're right he wrote no child should be rejected because he isn't perfect – whether he's 6 or 26.

Eric blew out his cheeks. "You might want to tell your girlfriend your views on fatherhood" he said, desperate to change the subject.

Recognizing the other discussion was closed, Patrick pushed back the chair and rose to his feet. "N-no rush," he said quietly, "we're n-n-not there yet." He held out his closed fist to his friend and waited.

Eric smiled and bumped his knuckles against Patrick's. "Hey, I'm glad your memory is back"

"Th-thanks. Me too."

Leaving Eric to his notes Patrick slipped from his office and headed to Robin's lab.

****
With her ipod blaring loudly in her ears as she peered through her microscope, she was oblivious to anyone entering the lab. It wasn't until she felt Patrick's lips on her neck that she even knew he was behind her.

Pulling her earphones from her ears, she spun around and grinned at him. Looping her arms around his neck, she stood on her tiptoes and kissed him passionately. Patrick's hands snaked around her waist as he pulled her closer to him. Her tongue plunged boldly into his mouth and she swallowed down his moan.

Panting, they breathlessly broke apart. Reaching up, Robin ran her thumb along his lower lip.

"This is a nice surprise" she told him as she curled her fingers through his belt loops.

"M-missed you" he replied, kissing the tip of her nose.

Taking his hand she led him to the couch. As he flopped against the soft cushions, she curled up next to him and peppered the side of his neck with tiny kisses. She loved how he smelled – clean and fresh – it was intoxicating for her.

He reached into his pocket and fished out his wallet. Laying it open on his knees, he pulled out the famous list that was beginning to look tattered along the corners.

Robin looked up at him in amusement. "What's going on in that head of yours?"

"M-mostly dirty th-thoughts" he replied with a smirk as he stole a kiss. "And we sh-should pick s-s-s-something."

She gave a small shake of her head as she tried to take in how different he had become overnight. His confidence, which had bubbled underneath the surface, was back in full force and he just seemed so much more comfortable in his own skin. She giggled as he impatiently tapped the list.

Scanning it quickly, her eyes were repeatedly drawn to one item in particular. Looking up at him she smiled knowingly. "It's Easter in two weeks," she remarked.

Patrick playfully rolled his eyes at her stalling tactic. "A-and?"

"And I hear it's a really big deal in Rome."

Breaking into a wide smile, he brushed his lips against hers. "R-rome it is."
"And don't worry babe, I'll protect you from Brenda" she teased.

He pulled her into his arms and closed his mouth over hers. His plan was slowly coming together and he couldn't wait for the rest of it.