Chapter 144

My head is pounding here beneath the weight of this

Quickly stripping off his clothes and tossing them in the hamper, Patrick gently pulled back the covers and slipped underneath them. He had stayed at his father's much longer than he had intended but was grateful for the time with him. There were still issues between them that could be carelessly tripped over and trigger another round of bad feelings, but he really felt with enough time those would work themselves out. In the meantime, he was happy just to have a real relationship with him after 10 years of lies, pain and heartache.

Propping himself up on his elbow he stared at Robin through the darkness, drinking her in. The warmth of her vanilla body lotion floated easily through the room and her hair was fanned out around like a crown. He thought of the ring that he left with his father for safekeeping and felt his heart leap. He could not wait to give it to her; and that was a feeling he never thought he'd have. An appointment was booked for the end of the week to see the house and once she was at ease with that, then he'd being laying the groundwork for his proposal.

Patrick didn't consider himself a natural romantic and grand gestures were difficult for him but he wanted the proposal to be spectacular, to be a story worthy of telling over and over again to anyone who asked. He was less sure on exactly how to make that happen but there were a few ideas tossing around in his brain.

Flopping against the pillow, he snaked his arm around her waist and tugged her towards him. He whispered several kisses against her shoulder before sighing contentedly and closing his eyes. If the winter had been one of discontent, spring was proving to be enormously hopeful.

Robin clenched her eyes shut as she felt his arm go around her. Having heard his key in the door, she had quickly shut off the lights and pretended to be asleep. They needed to talk, she needed to tell him but she couldn't do it until she had figured out what it all meant and what she was going to do.

She had practically paced a hole through the living room floor as she tried to process the results of the pregnancy test. Convinced the test was wrong, she had sprinted to the pharmacy and bought another one. The second test showed the same result as the first and it was then that it began to sink in that she was in fact pregnant. Pregnant with a child neither of them were ready for and that she knew Patrick didn't want.

I can't imagine myself as a father

Those words echoed in her brain, more loudly than anything else. It had been an honest exchange between two friends; there had been no pulling of punches, no softening of blows, no groping for a compromise. It had been the pure undiluted truth. Her boyfriend did not want nor could he even envision himself as a parent. It had never occurred to her that she would ever have to choose between the man she loved and the child she had dreamed of having. It had never occurred to her because she had been so sure she would have neither.

His fingers played against her skin and tiny shivers crawled through her. He sleepily nuzzled her neck and she felt her eyes well with tears. She loved the way he smelled. She loved the way his stubble brushed against her neck through the night. Almost every morning she would wake up with tiny red patches on her skin where he had burrowed his face next to hers. It was a small, silly thing to even notice but after a protracted period of sleeping alone it was her daily reminder that she wasn't any longer. She hated the idea of having to give it all up.

The idea of terminating the pregnancy was out of the question for her. Dreams of being a mother had been ever present, even as a teenager. But never in her wildest dreams did she ever imagine it would come to fruition like this. It was a dream verging on a nightmare.

During her pacing she had reminded herself that it was Patrick who had suggested she not take the morning after pill. He had not wanted her to go through the side effects of it so soon after her protocol change. It had likely not occurred to him, in any real sense, that she could be pregnant; after all, what were the odds of that? A million to one? Ten million to one?

Slivers of moonlight spied through the curtains and she rolled on to her side and watched him as he slept. His soft, full lips were parted – almost invitingly so – as his breath moved in a steady and even rhythm. That's what he was to her, steady and even. He was wildly predictable which, given his previous reputation as a playboy, was almost amusing. Patrick would always try to do the right thing. He tried to pass himself off as selfish, and there certainly were aspects of his personality that evidenced that but when it came to the people he cared about, he wanted to do his very best by them.

It's why she had understood, though not accepted, his leaving as his tumour had worsened. He was scared and afraid for himself but he was also trying to protect her; his intentions had been good even if his actions were misguided. She knew that he would do the same thing here. He would stand by her side, go to every appointment with her, hold her hair as morning sickness took hold, run out in the middle of the night to satisfy her cravings and he would take care of their baby. But it wouldn't be because he wanted to – because he would be overjoyed at being a father, he would do it because it was the right thing to do. He would do it because he loved her. Her. Not the baby.

She lightly traced her fingertips over his brow and down his cheek. If they stayed together and she had the baby, he would be taking on something he had no desire for. Could she ask him to do that? Could she claim to love him and ask him to assume a role he had been clear about not wanting?

Her heart thumped painfully in her chest. Whoever said you could have it all was lying. The dream of a child was going to cost her the dream of life in love. She had long known the twisted sense of humour the universe possessed but this was almost too much to bear. She pressed her lips to his and left them there. Her head was a jumbled mess and she needed to sort it out but she just wanted one more taste of him before she did.

The quiet vibrations of her alarm pulled her from the temporary slumber she had succumbed to. Reluctantly rolling away from him she pushed the covers back and padded to the kitchen. As she swallowed down her protocol a plan, albeit small and short term, formed in her mind. What she needed was to find a place to go and think – a place where she would be left alone until she was ready.

Exhaling quietly it dawned on her where she could go. Grabbing a pad of paper and a pen, she wrote out a note to Patrick. He would be unhappy that she left a note rather than speak to him but she was sure if they came face to face she would blurt it all out. She didn't want that to happen, not until she knew what came next. Folding the paper, she propped it by the coffee machine and quietly headed back to the bedroom.

She dressed in the bathroom and packed one change of clothes in to her knapsack. With her hair pulled back she leaned in and kissed him goodbye. He barely stirred and she stole one more kiss for the road before heading out of the apartment.

*****
Feeling the sun beat through the curtains, Patrick groaned, stretched and absently reached for Robin. It was only when he was met with empty space that he remembered she had an early shift. Kicking back the covers, he swung his feet to the floor and pulled on a pair of shorts before stumbling to the kitchen bleary-eyed. Fumbling with the switch for the coffee maker, he would have missed the note if he had not sent it sailing towards the ground.

Smiling to himself at the thought of a saucy note from Robin, he bent over and picked up. Flipping it open, he scanned it quickly, frowning as he did so. Rubbing his eyes he read it a second time.

Patrick,

I know you're not really going to understand this and it's going to seem like it's out of the blue but I need a day or two away – away from us. I'm overwhelmed, my head is a noisy place and I just need somewhere where I can think. I promise I'll call you tonight and let you know that I'm okay. Please trust me and trust that I love you but I just need to sort some things out.

I'll be home tomorrow.

I love you.

Robin

His knees began to shake as he sank back against the counter. Slamming his fist against the counter, he let out an anguished yell. It was the house. He had pushed too hard, was too insistent that they start articulating what their future was. How could have been so stupid?

Pressing his fists to his forehead, he grimaced. It was so typical of him to work through things in his head and then when he was finally ready to talk about them expected everyone to be on the same page. She had told him she was freaking out and instead of tabling the issue and telling her they could talk about it another time, he steamrolled right over her feelings and tried to assure her they were ready for it. He was so gung-ho, after reading his will, on getting the house on Hunter Street that he lost sight of the bigger picture. So what if they didn't get that house? There were plenty of other houses in Port Charles. They didn't need to do this so quickly.

"Ass! Ass! Ass!" he said out loud.

He stomped to the bathroom, furious at his own stupidity. Grabbing a facecloth from the rack, he ran it under the water and rubbed it over his face. Glaring at his own reflection in the mirror, he angrily tossed the facecloth, muttering to himself as it fell to the floor. Sighing heavily, he bent down to pick it up. A pink strip of paper laying beside the garbage can caught his eye and he reached over, picking it up. It was torn flap from a box and he was about to toss it when the printed label caught his eye.

Home pregnancy test. 98% accurate.

He stood absolutely still in his spot and stared at the label in utter disbelief. His knees started to shake again and the only sound he could hear was the blood rushing between his ears. Swallowing thickly, he bent down and rifled through the bathroom garbage can but found nothing.

Rising to his feet he stared out the door and down the hall. As though his legs had a mind of their own, he walked back to the kitchen and pulled the garbage bin from under the sink. He pulled the bag out and dumped it on the floor. Sinking to the ground he rummaged through the empty containers and wrappers looking for the test. His heart was working much faster than his brain as he searched for the rest of the puzzle. A wad of balled up toilet paper caught his attention and as he reached for it he knew he had found what he was looking for.

He pulled the balled toilet paper apart and looked at what was inside. Blowing out his cheeks, he felt his stomach lurch.

Robin was pregnant.

They were going to have a baby.