Chapter 145

I seek faith in your kiss and comfort in your heart
But when I look in your eyes we stand worlds apart

Clutching the pregnancy test in his hands he fell back against the cupboard doors and exhaled loudly; so much of his future was contained in the plus sign showing through the window that it threatened to take his breath away.

A baby. His baby. Their baby.

His head was spinning with possiblities and potential. Closing his hand over his mouth, he inhaled sharply and tried to string together a coherent thought or two. Searching himself he waited for the expected sense of panic to sweep through him but to his enormous surprise there was nothing. He wasn't afraid or terrified or feeling like his life was over. He was surprised and shocked and overcome by a sudden need to run; a need to run to Robin.

He had never been able to imagine himself being a father because he was sure he would be terrible at it. Fear of failure was a major force in his life and it drove him to only seek out those things that he knew in advance he would be good at and fatherhood had never been a consideration. While he didn't have the affinity with kids that Eric did, he didn't hate them either, he just wasn't sure he would ever be able to give them what they needed. It was the same thing that had kept him away from relationships - he had been sure he had no idea how be what another person needed and so it had been easier all along to avoid it. But his relationship with Robin had taught him that he did know, he could anticipate another person's needs, he just had to stop trying to second guess himself. And he really believed that if he could fall in love, anything was possible - even being a parent.

Robin's need for space was understandable. They had had exactly one conversation about children in their relationship and it had been pretty abstract. They had talked about maybe wanting children someday but both agreeing that neither of them were ready. While he wasn't convinced they were ready now, it was irrelevant - they were going to have a baby. The desire to hold her in his arms and kiss her senseless was growing stronger. He needed to be with her, he wanted to assure her that everything was going to be fine even if he had no idea about what came next.

Looking again at the pregnancy test, he smiled and shook his head. Rising to his feet he walked down the hall to the bedroom. Opening the closet door, he pulled down the hat box that sat on the second shelf and gently pulled the lid off. Catching sight of the fudge mocha ice cream bar wrapper, he grinned. How far they had come, how much they had endured and risen above and how deeply they had come to love each other since the day he presented her with the ice cream bar in her hospital room. He placed the pregnancy test on the top of the pile and put the lid over the box before returning it to its place in the closet.

Running his hand over his hair, he sighed. He needed to find Robin but had no idea where to start. Pulling open his drawer, he retreived a pair of jeans and a dark green t-shirt. He quickly got dressed before heading back to the kitchen. Pouring himself a cup of coffee, he picked up the note and read it again.

"Wh-where are you Robin?" he asked out loud.

For a brief moment he considered calling Mac and asking his advice but if Robin was there he was sure her uncle would not tell him and if she wasn't, his query would likely create some kind of panic that Robin did not want. Nor was he quite ready to tell anyone that Robin was pregnant.

He read the note again. I'm overwhelmed, my head is a noisy place and I just need somewhere where I can think. He could practically hear the lightbulb going off over his head. Sprinting back to the bedroom he pulled on socks and stepped into his shoes. He shoved his wallet in his back pocket, grabbed his jacket and keys and headed out. He couldn't wait to be with her.

*****

As he turned his car down the long dirt road, he smiled when he spotted her tail lights. It had been a long drive and there had been several moments of doubt that perhaps he was guessing wrong but his confidence was restored as he parked his car next to hers. He followed the well worn path past the main house to the studio. Early spring flowers were bunched around the steps as he walked up and peeked through the window. Looking inside and seeing her curled the rocking chair, staring at the ocean, his heart leapt.

The door creaked as he pushed it open and he stepped inside. "Robin" he called to her.

She slowly lifted her head and turned towards the door, staring at him in shock. "Patrick?"

He crossed the room in three easy steps and pulled her into his arms, hugging her tightly. "I love you" he whispered.

Feeling the safety and warmth of his arms, she melted against him and buried her head in his neck. She wanted to freeze time and have it stop at this very moment. She wanted this to be the lasting moment, to ward off all the pain and sadness and disappointment that was to come. Carefully extricating herself from his arms, she smiled sadly. "Patrick," she begain.

"I know" he interjected, cupping her face with his hands.

Her brow furrowed together in confusion. "Know what?"

He smiled. "You're p-p-pregnant," he stammered. "W-we're going to have a b-baby." He closed his mouth over hers and kissed her passionately.

Robin momentarily lost herself in the kiss before reluctantly pushing him away. "Not we" she corrected, "me."

"Wh-what do you mean?" he asked cautiously.

Her bottom lip quivered. She wasn't ready to say it out loud, she wasn't ready to make it real but there would never be a time when she would be and to delay it would be cruel. "I am going to miss you" she told him sadly, several tears escaping from her eyes.

Patrick frowned. "Are you g-g-going somewhere?"

"You don't want to be a father" she reminded him quietly, "and I can't give up this chance to be a mother."

Kneeling in front of her, he took her hands in his. Though unsure what was waiting for him as he made his way to the Hamptons, he had certainly not expected this. "D-don't want you to give it up. I want to be with you and the baby" he told her.

She shook her head. "No. You want to be with me because you love me. You want to be with the baby because it's the right thing to do. But I love you - I love you too much to ask you to do something I know in your heart you do not want."

Letting go over her hands, he kneeled back on his heels and exhaled.
Her pain and struggle were etched clearly on her face and it was obvious she had been thinking about this for hours, he just wasn't sure why she was so sure he didn't want a baby.

"Wh-what are you talking about?" he asked as he nervously wiped his hands along his jeans.

She bit down on the inside of her cheek. "You can't imagine yourself being a father and I am not going to ask you to be one. It kills me," she cried, "that we can't be together but I can't - I just can't give up something I've wanted for a long time"

"Wh-what are you talking about?" The panic that had been absent at the apartment was begining to make itself known now. He could feel her pulling away from him and he was at a loss to understand why.

"The conversation you had with Eric," she replied, wiping at the fresh tears, "you told him you couldn't imagine being a father. I saw it in your own handwriting. And I want you to know that I respect your wishes and I'm not going to ask you to do this."

"I want to be a father" he said quietly.

"No you don't. You want to do the right thing because you are a good, honourable and loving man. But I won't ask you to give up what's important to you - your freedom- just so I can have what's important to me. You mean too much to me."

Standing up, he slammed his hand against the wall sending peels of paint flying to the floor. "Stop it!" he yelled. "Stop putting words in my mouth or trying to speak for me! This isn't about doing the right thing - this is about loving you and loving our baby. I want to be with you and the baby -I want to be a family!"

It did not escape Robin's notice at how freely and unencumbered his speech flowed during his angry tirade. It was an enormous breakthrough for him, one he had been working months to acheive and she wanted to celebrate it with him but as with so many things, it was just bad timing.

"I can't ask you-"

"For the love of God Robin! You aren't asking! You didn't ask - you didn't even tell me - I found out and I came for you and our baby. I figued where you were and drove like a maniac because I wanted to hold you and kiss you and tell you that just when I think I can't love you more something happens and I do."

Tears streamed down her face. "I love you" she told him, "don't ever doubt that but it would be unfair to you to take on something you don't want."

His brown eyes blazed furiously and he jammed his hands in his pockets to keep from hitting the wall a second time. "You really, really need to stop acting like you know me better than I do."

"You told Eric-"

"I told Eric in a very specific context. I told him weeks after getting out of the hospital. I told him when I couldn't remember the last six months and I had no idea what I had been through or anyone else but I knew that it wasn't good. And in that moment, in that conversation I couldn't imagine being a father - not as I was - weak and sick. There was also no child then but there is now. We've made a baby - god Robin, one of the most amazing nights of my life and we made a child. And now you're trying to tell me that I can't be a part of it using some feeble excuse?"

"It's not feeble!" she yelled, jumping up from the chair. "A child should be wanted-"

"Don't you dare say I don't want that child, that's all I've said since I got here" he hissed.

"You want to do the right thing and that's not the same as wanting a child. If I were to have asked you yesterday if you wanted to be a parent, what would you have said?"

He shook his head and swallowed thickly, trying to control his temper. "It doesn't matter what I would have said" he told her, as calmly as he could, "because yesterday we didn't know that we were parents and now we do and that changes everything."

"Patrick, you don't understand."

"You're right, I don't. I think what you want is some kind of utopian circumstance where this had all been discussed beforehand and agreed to and it all happened perfectly and according to plan. But nothing happens according to plan and thist last year has proven that to both of us. We have an amazing basis of love on which we can build anything. You're terrified" he said, almost accusingly, "and I get that but that doesn't mean you get to make unilateral decisions about our relationship or decide for me what I do and don't want."

"I want you to be honest" she whispered tearfully.

He took several steps towards her. "I am" he said quietly.

She violently shook her head and stepped away from him. "No you aren't. You're saying this is what you want but it isn't. And you're going to wake up in 2 years or 5 or 10 and feel trapped and hate it. You will resent me" she cried, "and that would kill me. As hard as breaking up now is, the alternative is worse."

His breath hitched as he inhaled sharply. Conflicting feelings of wanting to shake her and wanting to hold her washed over him and with shaky legs, he sat down on the window sill. "Do you have any idea how much hurt I want to bring to the people who hurt you and who contributed to your....your....mixed up thought process?" Robin stared at him in shock. "I could kill Jason Morgan for the legacy his actions have left in you. Robin, the only thing - the ONLY thing I resent is you trying to tell me that you know my mind and my heart. And if you think I'm just going to give up on you and our family, you're out of your mind."

"I love you" she told him hoarsely, "but this won't work."