Chapter 149

Don't give up, you're not beaten yet

Rolling over in the seemingly cavernous bed, Patrick stared at the clock and groaned. It was barely 5 a.m. and if he had managed to sleep more than 20 minutes it was a miracle. He imagined this was only the first of many long, sleepless nights to come. He hated sleeping alone. Even when they had been working different shifts at the hospital and he would go to bed without her, he did so knowing that she would be joining him at some point; he had no such reassurances now. It had also been different when he moved to New York. While he had missed her every day, he had been distracted with his declining health and the pain of the treatment he had been enduring.

Flipping on to his back, he stared up at the ceiling. He wanted to make it better for her. He desperately wanted to take whatever fear was driving her and slay it for her. He snickered as a vision of him with a sword and holding a dragon's head flashed in his mind – not quite the image he was going for.

Months of conversations played in his mind like a tape recorder on perpetual loop. He knew he had given her more than a few reasons to doubt him. Although his intention in keeping secrets from her had always been to prevent her from experiencing pain, it had never quite worked out that way. And as he had slid down the slippery slope of his illness, he had done the one thing that struck at her very heart – he had left. And that had given her every reason to believe that he would do so again, despite his protestations to the contrary.

It had been a long road for her as his support – she had watched his health fail in small and large ways and the road to recovery had not proven any kinder as she struggled with his memory loss and his aphasia. He shook his head – it was no wonder she was wary of him now that a baby was on the way. She needed a steadying influence and he seemed to have careened from crisis to crisis. If he was going to convince her that she could count on him, if he was going to show her that this was not an obligation for him but rather the completion of something he had not even known he wanted until it happened then he needed to be an anchor for her.

Sitting up in bed, he kicked the covers back and swung his feet to the floor. He needed to reclaim the life he had prior to being a patient and the first way to do that was to go back to work. Flipping open his cell phone, he called the Chief of Staff's office and left a voice mail message asking for a meeting later in the morning. While he might not be ready to return to the OR, he certainly was ready to see patients.

Closing his phone, he got up from the bed and rifling through his suitcase, found a pair of track pants and a long-sleeved shirt. Pulling on his running shoes, he grabbed his keys and crept quietly from the room. In order to have Robin – and others – stop seeing him as a patient, he had to stop feeling like one. He needed to regain his stamina; maybe it would help her to see him as less fragile. She did not seem ready yet to let him help her with whatever it was that making her push him away, but she would eventually and he would make sure he was ready.

Closing the apartment door behind him, he headed out of the building and to the park for a run.

*****

Josh broke into a wide smile as Eric breezed through the door. "Eric!" he exclaimed.

"Hey little man," he grinned, "how are you feeling today?"

The young boy shrugged. "Okay. My head still hurts though."

Sitting his long, lean frame down in to the chair at his bedside, Eric rubbed Josh's arm. "It's going to hurt for a while. Do you need some magic pills?" He gave a slight shake of his head. "Well then, you might just be ready for your surprise."

His blue eyes went wide with anticipation. "Surprise?" he asked in a small voice.

Reaching into his pocket, Eric pulled out a portable Playstation and handed it to him. "Your physiotherapist told me you've been working really hard and doing all the exercises she's asked you to do, so I thought you might want this."

"Wow" he said wondrously, trailing his tiny fingers over the screen. A sudden panic gripped him and he looked over at Eric with a worried look on his face. "Does this mean you won't visit anymore?"

He smiled reassuringly at him. "Nah, you can't get rid of me that easily" he replied.

His choice of a gift had been two-fold - he wanted to keep him motivated to keep working at his recovery – he had miles to get yet before he was out of the woods – and a video game would also help him work on his hand-eye coordination which was lagging due to his extensive injuries.

Comforted, Josh looked back at the game and smiled. "This is the best surprise ever" he stated. "In my whole life."

Eric swallowed down a lump in his throat. It was impossible for him to accept that one so young had lived through so much already. "I'm glad you like it" he said hoarsely. "I have one too at home, so maybe once you're used to it, I'll bring it in and we can play together?"

Josh nodded. "Eric?"

"Yeah?"

"When I get better, can I go home with you?"

Blowing out his cheeks, he tried to ignore the way his heart leapt even at the idea. "One step at a time okay? We have to keep our focus on getting you better."

****
Standing on the other side of the door, Alexis grimaced as she heard Josh's question. How she wished she could just wave a magic wand and have everyone get what and who they needed – Josh and Eric; Patrick Robin and their baby.

"Still worried about him?"

Turning, Alexis smiled at Patrick. "Yes," she admitted. "I fear for broken hearts all over the place."

Looking through the window into the room, he nodded. "Yeah, me too" he said wistfully.

"How are you?" she asked, leading him away from the door.

Shrugging, Patrick jammed his hands in his pockets and leaned against the wall. "Not sure. I'm meeting Alan in a little bit to talk about coming back to work." He paused, his tongue darting out of his mouth and moistening his dry lips. "How was she when you saw her?"

"Scared and confused but still madly in love with you."

It wasn't that he truly doubted that she loved him, if he were honest with himself he knew that no matter what happened between them that would never change, but it was a source of comfort to hear someone else make the observation.

"I want to help her Alexis, I want to make this better for her – whatever it is."

Smiling, she gently touched his arm. "I know you do. Patrick you're a good man – she knows that too. But right now the best thing you can do for her is be patient."

He sighed heavily. "I'm trying – I mean I will be. But I just wish I knew what I was being patient about. This is so much more than her thinking I want to be a father out of obligation but I can't put the pieces together. This should be a happy time and it's killing me that she's so upset."

"Patrick, I have to tread carefully here. I don't want to betray any of Robin's confidences-"

"I'm not asking you to do that" he interjected. "I guess…I guess I'm looking for a little guidance."

"Here's what I can tell you. Everyone always talks about how discovering you're pregnant is a great joy, and it can be but it isn't always. Even when you've planned it finding out you're going to have a baby can be absolutely terrifying. You are now responsible for another person for the rest of your life – however long that may be" she added quietly. "It can force thoughts into your head that you've been avoiding."

A glimmer of recognition passed through his eyes and he nodded. "Thank you" he said softly. "And thank you for being there for her."

She gave him an appreciative smile. "You're both pretty important to me Patrick and I want what is best for both of you – which is the two of you together. Just be patient, okay?"

"Okay."

Peeling himself off the wall he ambled down the hallway, turning into the stairwell. He climbed the six flights of stairs to the roof and pushed open the door. Walking to the far edge, he placed his hands on his head, closed his eyes and took a deep breath of the fresh air. It was very reminiscent of another visit he had made to the roof, almost a year earlier. His head then was as awash in a multiplicity of thoughts as it was now. Then, he had been worried about his exposure to HIV in a patient, now he was worried about the exposure of his heart. And hers.

He had made two realizations that day on the roof: one was that for three tiny letters, HIV certainly carried a lot of power. The second realization was that he wanted his mother. How ironic that those realizations were uppermost in his mind again.

Alexis had been careful not to reveal too much of what Robin had confided in her but had said enough for him to understand that her HIV was a big factor. She was so close to achieving so much of what she wanted and there came the virus, rearing its ugly head and reminding her that it could all be snatched away. He had an irrational, fiery hatred of the virus. He imagined her being consumed with worry about transmitting the virus to their child; statistical probability did little to lessen the concern. He understood that it wasn't so much the reality of passing it on but the mere knowledge that you could that would drive a person crazy. And then there was the toll the pregnancy could take on her. It was enough to make his head spin; no wonder it had her on the run.

I wish there had been an option for you.

God, what he would give to go back in time and give her what had been unavailable to her.

His thoughts drifted to his mother. What would she think of him being a father? How he wished she was around if only even to help him crack the secret code of women so he could be who and what his girlfriend needed. He often wondered if he would have treated women differently if his mother had not died when she did. It wasn't that he was mean or cruel but until Robin, he had been unable to see any upside to being a relationship. And now all he could see were the downsides to not being in one.

He was as unable to see the way forward now as he had been all those months ago after his exposure but he had something on his side now that he hadn't had then – knowledge. He knew that even if you didn't know where you were supposed to go, you at least keep putting one foot in front of the other until you do. And he had learned that in doing so, you eventually get where you need to be.

His phone vibrated softly in his pocket. Fishing it out, he flipped it open and saw a text message from Robin.

Have an appt tomorrow with Kelly 10. Hope you will come. R.

Deftly, he texted back. You can count on me.