Chapter 150

But fear surrounds me like a fence, I wanna break free

Robin stood outside the office door almost not quite believing she was there. It wasn't that she thought there was anything wrong with seeking help – professional help – she just always viewed it as something other people did.

It had been two sleepless nights since Patrick had left and each night she had lain awake waiting, searching for those joyful feelings she expected to come, now that she was pregnant. She was also looking for some kind of sign to call Patrick and tell him to come home but neither came and she was beginning to feel as though she might truly be dysfunctional.

Patrick's response to her text about the doctor's appointment had momentarily cheered her but then she felt herself sinking down again. After nearly a dozen failed attempt to call Mac she accepted that she was not yet ready to share the news or her feelings about it with him. Attempts to understand her feelings had been nothing but an exercise in frustration and she was left feeling as though she was trying to manoeuvre through a maze with no map or clues.

What she needed was some objectivity. And as she pushed the door open she hoped that would be what she found on the other side.

Hearing a light rap on her door, Lainey looked up from her desk and smiled. "Hey Robin."

"Have some time for a friend?" she asked nervously, twisting her purse strap in her hands.

Her friend waved her in. "Of course. I was surprised to see your name on my schedule but I'm glad you're here. What's going on?"

Closing the door behind her, Robin flopped on the couch and stared at her friend. "I think I might – just might – be going crazy" she joked weakly.

Giving her a curious look, Lainey joined her friend on the couch. "I sincerely doubt you're going crazy."

"I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant and I'm a wreck. I'm a wreck over something I have wanted for a very long time. I really think I might be crazy."

Surprised at the revelation, Lainey exhaled softly. "Wow," she smiled warmly. "Congratulations. How did Patrick take the news?"

Her eyes immediately filled with tears. "I asked him to leave" she replied hoarsely as she tucked her legs up underneath. "Told you I was crazy."

"Why did you ask him to leave?" she inquired gently.

Robin opened her mouth to answer, ready to repeat her lines about not wanting him to be with her out of obligation and how she knew he didn't want to be a parent but she found they wouldn't come. Instead she wiped at her eyes and shrugged.

"I don't know" she said, when she finally answered. "I just…I needed him to leave. I felt like I was going to suffocate."

"Was he too clingy? Being unreasonable?"

Robin violently shook her head. "No. God no. He was…he was great. He reacted exactly as you would hope someone would when a hole in a condom results in a baby. But…." Her voice trailed off and she let go of a breath. "But it made me feel like there was no air – like I was about to be swallowed up by something. But it makes no sense Lainey," she protested, her brown eyes blazing. "This is supposed to be one of the happiest times in my life."

"And it isn't."

Tears tumbled down her cheeks as she gratefully accepted a kleenex from her friend. "Not even close."

"How come?"

"I have no idea" she replied quickly, sniffling.

Leaning back against the couch Lainey gave her a sceptical look. "You must have some" she challenged.

"I don't know" she shrugged, balling the tissue in her hand. "It's just…it's been such a difficult time lately and I guess I was hoping for a little peace before another crisis hit-"

"Being pregnant is a crisis?"

Robin's head snapped up and she narrowed her eyes as she glared at her friend. "That's not what I said. Don't put words in my mouth."

Lainey did not react to her anger. "I didn't – you said another crisis. I assume you meant your pregnancy. Is there something else going on that feels like a crisis?"

Unfolding her legs, Robin got off the couch and started to pace around the sparsely furnished office. Her heart was hammering inside her chest and she could hear her blood coursing between her ears.

"It's all been a crisis – from the start!" she said suddenly. "Patrick's tumour, the radiation, the surgery, the memory loss and aphasia. We're barely through that hellfire and my protocol fails and then I spend two weeks living in my bathroom as my body fights my meds tooth and nail."

"Is your viral load still elevated?" she asked calmly.
Robin shook her head as she sank down on to the arm of the couch. "It's back within the range it was before – not quite as low as it was but it's fine."

"Are you worried about mother to child transmission?"

Rolling her eyes in frustration, Robin gave a small shrug. "It's less than 2% in most cases. I know all the statistics Lainey, I could probably break them down by state for you."

She smiled at her friend's impatience. They had become good friends over the last few years and Lainey had come to admire Robin's passion and fight. As she listened to her talk and observed her behaviour, she was grateful that she had both in spades as she was going to need them.

"I sense a but"

"But someone has to be that 2%" she finished softly.

"And with your viral load being a little more in flux than you're used to, is it possible you're feeling that you might be that 2%?"

Several stray tears trickled from the corner of her eyes and Robin bit down on her lip to keep it from quivering. "Maybe" she whispered. Sucking in a breath, she shook her head in disbelief at the seeming mess her life had become. "And Patrick doesn't even have his all clear yet. His second HIV exposure in a year and we are still months away from knowing if he's clear."

Picking up her pen, Lainey jotted down several notes in her book. Closing the book she looked up at Robin. "Do you feel guilty about his exposure?"

"I didn't poke a hole in the condom" she snapped.

She simply arched her eyebrow. "I never suggested you did. I asked you how you feel, not what you did or didn't do. Do you feel guilty?"

Sliding from the arm of the couch, she started to pace again. Everything seemed like it was swirling around her and she was somehow caught in the middle of a vortex; she just wanted it to stop.

"I don't know."

"You can do better than that," she pushed.

"Lainey-"

"Robin. It's a simple question – how do you feel about it?"

"It's not simple," she snapped. "How the hell can you think it's simple? It's not a simple answer."

"How do you feel?" she repeated. Digging for feelings, real feelings, was like blowing off the dust, expecting to find the treasure only to discover you needed to go deeper, through hard rock, to get to it.

Spinning on her heel, she bit out, "I'm afraid."

"Of what?"

"What the hell do you want from me Lainey? I'm just looking for some advice."

Lainey shook her head. "No you aren't. If you wanted advice you would go to Kelly or Maxie or Mac or Brenda or Alexis but you wouldn't come to me – or at least you wouldn't book an appointment with me to get it. What you want – what you're really looking for is why you're feeling the way you are and how to make it stop. I can help you with that but you're going to have be honest – painfully honest – if we're going to get there."

Robin slid down the wall to the floor and pulled her legs against her chest. She was exhausted. The hormones played a factor but it felt more as though she had been carrying around a one ton weight and now was simply too tired to carry it any further. Her friend was right, she had come here for answers and solutions.

"What are you afraid of Robin?"

She pulled at the toe of her shoe. "That Patrick will hate me – that he'll hate me if he has HIV, he'll hate me for making him watch me die." There was no way to steam the flow of tears now and she left them fall down, oblivious to the wet patches they were making on her jean. "I'm afraid he'll hate me if our baby has HIV. I can…I can handle a lot of things Lainey but I could never – I could never handle him hating me."

A smile ghosted across Lainey's mouth as Robin finally lifted the lid on something she had been holding on to for a long time. It wasn't just her worry about infecting another person; it was the abject fear of destroying the relationship as a result.

"And so what do you want Robin?" she asked quietly, aware of how exhausted her friend was.

Looking up, her long brown hair framing her face, Robin inhaled sharply. "I want to stop being afraid, Lainey. I want to be with Patrick. I want to be a family with him."