Chapter 151

I'll find my way back to you

Each time the door to the waiting room opened, her head would snap up from the magazine she was absently flipping through. He had said he would come, that she could count on him but as she was discovering her ability to have faith in others when it came to her was shaky.

Emotionally spent after her session with Lainey, Robin was almost regretting having booked an appointment with Kelly for the same day. She was feeling vulnerable and a little unsteady on her feet leaving her unsure as to how seeing Patrick would affect her. Lainey had given her some exercises to work on, including writing down her feelings so she could acknowledge them and she also suggested that it would be better for both her and Patrick if they continued to live apart for the time being. She would need to tell him that and it was not a conversation to look forward to. Even with her breakthrough with Lainey she was not yet ready to repeat it to anyone else.

The door opened again and she swallowed down a sigh of relief as he came bustling through. He skidded to a stop in front of her and instinctively leaned in to kiss her before awkwardly pulling back. Shifting nervously from one foot to the other, he smiled shyly and sat down in the chair next to her.

"H-hi" he greeted her quietly.

"Hi" she answered, a small smile resting at the corners of her mouth.

"How are you?" they asked each other at the same time. As they both laughed, the tension was broken.

"How are you?" he repeated. "How are you feeling?"

Exhaling, Robin gave a weak smile in response. It was such a simple question but the answer was incredibly complex. "I'm okay" she finally replied. "I'm pretty tired but I'm okay. What about you?"

"I miss you" he told her softly. "I never realized how much I would hate sleeping alone." Seeing the look of regret flash through her eyes, he scrambled to amend his answer. "I'm not saying that to make you f-f-feel badly" he added. "I just…." His voice trailed off.

"I know" she nodded. "I miss you too."

They were quiet for several minutes, neither quite sure what to say next and both worried they would trip over the other's feelings. Robin felt herself drawn to him, balling her hand to stop herself from sliding it inside his and holding tightly. There was a heat and warmth radiating between them and both continued to drift towards the other.
"Alan is letting me come back to work part time" he blurted. "So I'll be around here a few days a week."

Her eyes went wide with surprise and she smiled appreciatively. "That's great Patrick."

He nodded. "I'm not quite ready for the OR yet but…I only stutter a l-little now and I'm ready to be a doctor again. I'm not a patient any longer" he added quietly.

"I think your speech is amazing" she told him encouragingly. "I'm really proud of you."

Patrick opened his mouth to reply but was interrupted by the nurse telling them Kelly was ready to see them. Rising to his feet, Patrick hung back and let Robin walk ahead of him into the office. It took all of his willpower not to take her hand.

Kelly gave them a curious look as they clumsily tried to manoeuvre around each other. She flipped open the chart as they took their seats.

"You know, it's not everyone who can pinpoint the date of conception" she teased. Seeing the uncomfortable look on Robin's face she dropped the point. "I've reviewed your medications with Alan and we are comfortable keeping them as they are. None of them are known to have toxicity issues-"

"But it doesn't mean they don't," Robin interjected.

"That's true," Kelly agreed. "But based on the best information available we believe them to be of low risk to the fetus."

"What about going off for the first trimester?" she asked.

"Not a chance" Patrick snapped, causing both Kelly and Robin to look at him in shock. "You just changed protocols" he told her quietly, "and any interruption could lead to you developing resistance, you know that."

Exhaling, she nodded. "I know but maybe it's worth the risk-"

Patrick shook his head. "It isn't. It is n-not worth the risk to your l-l-long term health."

The two stared at each, again at a loss for words.

In an effort to break the stalemate, Kelly spoke up. "I agree with Patrick, discontinuation of your protocol would not be beneficial to you in the long run. We believe your medication to be as safe as is possible. Alan wants to start a course of AZT as well for the duration of the pregnancy to further reduce transmission risks."

Tucking her hair behind her ears, she nodded. "I have no problems with AZT, I tolerate it well."
"Have you had much morning sickness yet?"

"No – nauseous yes but not actually sick."

"That's good," she smiled. "Don't tell the other pregnant women, they'll start giving you dirty looks" Robin smiled. "But if you start vomiting regularly, let me know because we'll want to monitor your meds and levels."

"Okay."

Handing her the prescription for AZT, Kelly smiled. "Good. So we'll see you back here in 8 weeks for your first check up. In between though if you have any problems or concerns call me."

"I will."

"And hey – congratulations you guys," she beamed, "I think this is great news!"

"Yeah," they answered simultaneously, neither quite convinced of it.

As she stood up, Patrick pulled Robin's chair out for her and followed her out of the office. Once in the hallway, he jammed his hands in his pockets and opened his mouth to speak before shutting it again. Never in his life had been as unsure as to what he should say or do as he was in this moment.

"Th-thanks for letting me come" he finally said.

Robin curled her hand around her purse strapped and nodded perfunctorily. "Of course, of course. I won't…I mean you're….I want you at the appointments." Her cheeks burned hotly as once easy conversations had become suddenly difficult.

A small, grateful smile crossed his lips. "Okay, thanks." Unsure of what else to say he slowly turned and started to walk away.

"Patrick!" Robin called.

With his back still to her, he closed his eyes in grateful relief before turning back. "Yes?"

"Can we…can we go some place and talk for a bit?"

Nodding eagerly he walked towards her. "Of course we can."

*****
They had made a brief stop at Kelly's where Robin bemoaned that decaf tasted like Styrofoam. She laughed heartily when Patrick asked her how exactly she knew what Styrofoam tasted like. For a few short minutes it seemed like things were back to normal. It was only when they sat on the bench overlooking the water and she struggled with how to begin the conversation that the awkwardness descended around them again.

"I did what you suggested," she said, nervously fidgeting with the plastic lid on her drink, "I saw Lainey today."

Patrick's defences tumbled down as he smiled. "That's really good Robin. I'm…I'm proud of you."

Slightly embarrassed, she chewed on her bottom lip. "I have a few issues," she said quietly.

"Who doesn't?" he grinned. "But that's great that you're getting help." He wanted to pepper her with questions, find out what was driving her down the path she was on but he held back. He had to let her reveal it to him when she was ready.

Swallowing thickly, Robin stared at the water. "I….I remember when we came here after I went to my first group meeting. I…I promised you that you would never be second choice with me." Her eyes misted over as she turned to him. "And I want you to know that is still true. I know it may feel differently now-"

"Robin" he interjected.

She held up her hand. "Please let me finish. I know it may feel like you are second choice right now but I want you to know that…." She exhaled, "that everything I'm doing is so that I can…I can be in a place where I can be with you."

The pull to her was too great and the need to touch her too consuming; he reached for her hand and taking it in his, brought it to his lips and dropped a small kiss on it. "What can I do to help?"

She closed her eyes as the electricity from his touch coursed through her. The nearness of him sent her heart racing. "I need you to be patient" she told him.

"I will be as patient as you need to be" he told her softly, "like you were with me."

"Lainey…Lainey thinks it's better right now if we aren't living together – not while I sort through this. God I'm such a failure!" she exclaimed in frustration.

"Hey!" His tone was sharper than intended. "I wouldn't let someone else say that about you, I'm not going to let you say it either. Robin you are not a failure – not by any definition."

Smiling sheepishly, she tucked her leg underneath her. "It just feels like it sometimes."

Still holding on to her hand, he ran his thumb along the inside. "Can….Can I ask y-you something?"

"Of course."

"Do you…I mean you know that….do you believe me when I tell you that you and our baby are not an obligation to me? That I want to be with both of you?"

"I do." The liberation that her confirmation provided washed over his face. "I was…I was wrong to say that to you and I'm sorry."

Patrick shook his head. "I don't need an apology" he told her quickly. "I just need to know that you know that."

"I really do" she reassured him. "And our baby and I are very, very lucky."

Several stray tears trickled down her face and she smiled as Patrick swiped them away. His gentleness and his compassion only drove home her fears about him hating her. Suddenly overcome with a need to be alone, she sprang to her feet.

"I have to go"

"Would you l-like me to walk you?"

She shook her head. "No, I'll be okay." Without thinking, she leaned in and pressed a lingering kiss to his cheek. "Thank you for today" she whispered, "and for not giving up on me."

He nodded as she headed for the stairs. He touched his cheek where her lips had just been and swore her kiss was burned to his skin. "Robin!" he called out suddenly.

At the top of the stairs she turned around. "Yes?"

"I love you"