Chapter 153

And I'm wound up small and tight

Lainey sat quietly and watched as Robin combed her fingers through her hair pulling her hair over her face. It was their third session together and like many patients digging through old memories she was doing her best to try and shrink from them or alternately build up walls to steel themselves for the inevitable pain of the reveal. She could see Robin trying to out think herself, get ahead of what was coming so as to control it and she could see her frustration rising as she was unable to do so.

"Let's talk about Patrick," she suggested quietly. "Why do you think he could hate you?"

Robin rolled her eyes. "Well I don't think he'll throw me a parade if he tests positive" she snarked, "or our baby does."

"But hate is a very visceral word. It implies loathing - it's a long road from being madly in love with you to hating you."

Sighing heavily, Robin pushed her hair from her face. "He will blame me" she said, sinking back into the couch. "And he would be right to do so. I exposed him to this."

Cocking her head to the side Lainey tapped her pen against her lips. "Do you think it's right that he would blame you? After all, you've always been upfront about your health status and he was willingly and with full information entered into a sexual relationship with you. How would you be deserving of blame?"

"Being informed is cold comfort as you have to swallow down pills hoping they continue to keep the virus at bay. Being willing, when you think it can't really happen to you, is easy. Realizing there is a hole in the condom is a whole different story."

Lainey inhaled quietly as she ventured forth into an area that she knew would provoke a strong reaction in her patient. "Do you blame Stone for infecting you?"

Her head snapped up, her mouth was pulled tight in a grim line and her brown eyes blazed furiously at her friend. "Shut up" she hissed.

Unfazed, Lainey pressed on. "Do you, Robin? Do you hold him responsible? Do you hate him for infecting you?"

"No," she rasped. "I could never hate him."

"Then why would Patrick hate you?"

With adrenaline coursing through her body, Robin jumped to her feet and started to pace."You don't understand."

"So explain it to me."

Robin continued to pace, saying nothing, under Lainey's watchful eye. Her heart was thundering in her chest and her hands were clammy as she rubbed them together. This was unchartered territory. No one had ever asked her about Stone in that way - they wouldn't dare. It occured to her that some of her friends and family might actually feel that way about Stone, that they might hold him responsible for her being infected, but they had never voiced that to her.

"We didn't know Stone was infected when we slept together."

"So in other words, you didn't have as much knowledge as Patrick does. And with all the knowledge that Patrick has, he still chooses to be with you. So why do you think that will end with him hating you should he or the baby test positive?"

Exasperated, Robin slammed her hands against her thighs. "Because!" she shouted, "Because he has seen what living with this is like - even under the best of circumstances - and how could he NOT hate me for putting him through it or worse - putting our child through it? Living with HIV is hard - some days it feels unbelievably hard and there isn't a single person - not one - who would willingly sign up for this. Knowing that I can give this to another person is enough to make me want to go bed and pull the covers over my head some days."

Exhausted from her outburst, she flopped on to the couch and tiredly rubbed her hands over her face. Giving her a few moments to collect herself, Lainey got to her feet and retreived a bottle of water from the tiny fridge in the far corner of the office. Walking to where Robin was sitting, she handed it to her. Robin smiled weakly, gratefully accepting the proferred bottle. Lainey returned to her chair and picked up her notebook.

"Robin, do you feel that you deserve to be in love?"

Looking at her sideways, she rolled her eyes. "That's a stupid question."

With a small shake of her head, Lainey disagreed. "No it isn't."

"Yes it is," Robin protested. "You're asking me to tell you that having HIV somehow makes me feel inferior, that before Patrick came along I had accepted that love and marriage and children weren't likely going to happen for me. That somehow I had convinced myself that having HIV has made me not as worthy of those things as other people - that I'm less loveable or less attractive. And that's just stupid."

"Is it stupid because it's true?"

"No" she answered quietly. Meeting Lainey's eyes, she shrugged. "Maybe."

"And so here you are on the verge of having everything you never thought you would have and so the fear of having it taken from you is forcing you to push him away. Your fear of infecting him or your child has you convinced that he will hate you when you know it isn't true. But what is true is that you would hate yourself if that happened."

Blowing out her cheeks, she tipped her head on the back of the couch. "I hate this." Her voice was small and tired.

"I know," Lainey told her, "but it is going to pay off - I promise."

Lifting her head slightly, she shot her friend a sceptical look. "Really?"

Smiling reassuringly, she nodded. "Look Robin, this is hard work and there is no way around it. But once you can vocalize what your fears are then you can work on facing them, dealing with them and living the life that you want. How can you stop being afraid of something if you don't know what it is that you're afraid of?"

Robin chuckled lightly. "You're pretty annoying, you know that?"

She laughed. "In fact I do and it's why people pay me the big bucks." Looking at her watch and seeing the time, she looked back at her. "Time's up."

"Thank God" Robin sighed. Getting to her feet, she reached for her purse.

"I'd like to see you again at the end of the week," she told her. "But if you have any problems or worries before then, give me a call."

"Okay, thanks."

It took all of her self control not to bolt for the door. Her friend was an excellent doctor and was very deft at pushing her harder than she wanted to be pushed and forcing her to look at things she had not considered. But by the end of any session she was ready to get as far away from her office as possible. Shuffling down the hall, all she wanted to do was get inside her lab, close the door and get lost in her work - anything to make her mind focus on something other than what was left swirling in her brain after her session.

*****
Almost an hour after her appointment she was staring at the same slide under the microscope she been looking at since she had got to her lab. Her mind was alternately racing and drifting and she couldn't think straight. Everything seemed so difficult all of a sudden, as though she was trying to walk through wet cement. Leaning back in her chair, she picked up a book and hurled it across the room in frustration.

"What did that p-poor book ever do to you?"

Startled, she looked over at the door and sucked in a breath as she saw Patrick filling the doorframe. He was dressed in charcol grey slack, a light blue shirt and had his crisp white lab coat over top. He looked every inch the dashing doctor she had met nearly two years ago and it sent her blood pressure racing.

"Hi" she greeted him shyly. "It's good to see you back working."

Her tired expression did not escape his notice and as he crossed the threshold he closed the door behind him. "You okay?" he asked.

They talked almost daily on the phone and she had taken to swinging by his apartment and asking if he wanted to go for a walk. She had yet to tell him anything from her sessions - she was simply not ready - but was comforted just by being with him. They kissed a little and held hands a lot and Patrick made it very clear that anything beyond that was up to her. Not feeling as if she could go there with him without sending mixed messages to him and to herself, she had asked yet again for his patience. He had given it readily but she was also aware there would be a limit to how long he would wait for her.

"Just had a long appointment with Lainey" she answered quietly.

"Oh." Reaching out his hand to her, he becokened her to come to him.

Chewing on her bottom lip she sat still in her chair for several beats. She was feeling incredibly vulnerable and did not want to do anything to exacerbate that but looking at him, his strong shoulders filling out the coat, and his brown eyes filled with love, she could not resist. Sliding from her chair she scrambled to her feet and practically ran into his waiting arms.

He kissed her temple as his arms closed around her. "I am so proud of you" he whispered. "And our baby is lucky to have a mom like you."

"I don't know about that," she mumbled against his chest.

"I do." He smiled into her hair as he felt her squeeze him tighter. He missed her - more than he thought possible and being patient was not a natural state for him. But every time he was sure he was nearing his limit, he would remind himself of how she had given him everything he needed when he was running scared and vowed to do the same. "Would you...would you like to go out on a date?"

Lifting her head, she looked up at him in amusement. "A date?"

He nodded. "Yeah, a date. Like dinner and a movie?"

Taking a breath, Robin smiled. Just being in his arms had quieted the raging battle in her head and reminded her of just how much she was loved. "I'd like that," she told him, "but can we make it scary movie?"

Patrick furrowed his brow. "Since when do you like scary movies?"

She grinned. "I don't really but I do like being able to burrow in next to you and have you protect me from the scariness."

Patrick hugged her again and pressed his lips to her cheek. "I will always protect you."