Chapter 156

Come on and lay it down

Tired of staring up at the ceiling, Patrick glanced over at his clock and groaned inwardly when it read 3:43. His mind was racing and it was painfully obvious now that sleep was completely out of the question. He had listened for the tell tale turning of the key in the lock but it had not come which meant his friend was still out, running to wherever. Turning his head to the side, he smiled at a sleeping Robin curled up under the blankets.

She had told him she wouldn't leave and she was as good as her word. She had told him about Alexis' concerns vis a vis Josh and Eric and surmised that was all the spark that was needed to start his meltdown. The one bright spot in all of it was being able to fall asleep with Robin in his arms again. Or at this rate he was willing to settle for Robin falling asleep in his arms again.

Unable to just lie there any longer, he carefully pushed back the blankets and swung his feet to the floor. He pulled them back tightly around Robin and kissed her cheek before padding out of the bedroom and up the stairs. He pushed open the door to Eric's bedroom and smirked; some things just never changed. Much as when they were in med school together, his room was neat almost to the point of compulsively clean. Flipping on the lights he walked around the room looking for any sign of how long his friend had been in such a bad way.

On his dresser were three photos – one of Eric and Alexis and the girls eating ice cream on the porch of her house, one of his family from one of his last visits home and one of the two of them, taken on graduation day. Their arms were slung around each other's shoulders, their degrees tucked under their arms and goofy, lazy smiles plastered on both their faces. They had been friends for a long, long time.

Walking over to his desk, he spotted a small stack of letters and picked them up. While there was little doubt his friend would not appreciate his snooping, he felt he was doing what needed to be done. Shuffling through the envelopes he stopped at the one from Karen and put it aside. Looking at the remaining ones he found his heart start to race as he saw the logo for Child and Family Services. He added that one to the one from his ex-girlfriend and returned the stack to where he had found it.

With the two letters in hand he headed downstairs and flopped on the couch. He glanced from one envelope to the other, unsure of which one to read first before finally opting for the one from CFS.

An acrid lump formed in his throat as he scanned the letter. It was a rejection of his application to foster Josh on an emergency basis. The letter was rich with bureaucratic language and while the writer thanked him for the 'complete and persuasive' case he made as the right person to assist the young boy, they regretted that he could not be considered a suitable candidate. Small pangs of guilt pricked at him as he realized that he had gone through all of this alone. And while he recognized Eric could have told him, he was reminded that not too long ago there had been no secrets in their friendship.

He carefully folded the letter and placed it back inside before picking up the other one. The envelope was red and in his mind it could only mean danger. Retrieving the letter from inside, he unfolded it and began to read. His blood pressure started to rise as he did so. In the letter she waxed poetically about the miracle of being a mother before telling him how unhappy she was in her marriage and wished that even if they were no longer together, they could still be friends. His hands shook with rage as he put the letter back in the envelope.

"Stupid bitch" he hissed.

"I hope you aren't talking about me" Robin said as she came into view.

Patrick smiled. She was dressed in his t-shirt and the sight of her lean, toned legs poking up from underneath was enough to take his mind in a whole other direction.

"Nope, never." He held out his hand to her and as she placed hers inside, he steered her beside him on the couch.

Robin leaned in and kissed him softly on the lips. "Couldn't sleep, huh?"

He shook his head. "I'm worried."

"And apparently a little pissed, if your potty mouth is anything to go by" she teased lightly as she linked her arm through his and pressed a kiss to his shoulder.

"I snooped in his room," he told her. "And….Robin, I have been so completely wrapped up in my own crap that I have virtually ignored him"

"What did you find?"

He nodded to the two letters on the table. "He applied to be a foster parent on an emergency basis and was told he was inadequate and then he gets a letter from that stupid cow Karen telling him she misses him and whining about her fucking life."

"You know," she began carefully, "I'm not sure I have ever seen you have as violent reaction to another person as you do to her. Even at the hospital you were apoplectic that she was in the room. What's that about?"

Patrick shrugged. "She broke his heart and I don't think she should be on the same continent as him, let alone in the same room."

"Is it more than him getting his heart broken?"

Patrick looked down at the red envelope and her handwriting and could still see Eric's face the day she told him she was ending things. He was in the middle of chemotherapy; all of his hair was gone and less than a week before they had inserted a feeding tube because he was becoming emaciated.

"He was dying Robin. He was struggling to stay alive and she told him that she couldn't handle it and that she didn't love him enough to stay. He was devastated and she didn't care. She was happy to have her hooks into him when he was healthy and strong but the minute he stopped being able to provide the fantasy she wanted to live, she bolted and I can't forgive her for that."

Robin gently rubbed his arm trying to ease some of the tension balled up inside. "That must have been hard."

Patrick nodded. "I needed him to make it and she just came and cut the legs out from underneath him."

"You really love him," she remarked.

A small smirk formed on his mouth. "We're guys, we don't talk like that."

Chuckling softly, she rested her head on his shoulder. "Sorry to offend your testosterone induced sensibilities. I guess what I was trying to say is that he's really important to you."

Patrick brushed his lips against her temple and gave a small nod. "He was all I had for a long time. Before I met you Robin he was the only person in my life who gave a damn. I couldn't charm him or bullshit him. It was….despite my conquests-"

"Legendary conquests" she added with a smile.

Patrick chortled. "Yes, legendary conquests. Despite those my life was pretty small but he was always there. And so when he got sick I just couldn't accept that he might die – I couldn't handle…." His voice trailed off and he wiped at his eyes.

"You couldn't handle being left again?" she offered.

He nodded. "I would have been all alone. And so when she did that – to me it was like stomping on the hands of a guy who's hanging on to the ledge – I hated her for it. I still do. And knowing that another person could treat someone so cruelly just confirmed for me – then anyways – that relationships were useless and not worth the effort."

Robin narrowed her eyes. "She played a role in that? Okay, now I hate her too."

Leaning back against the couch, he tugged her to him and put his arm around her. "I know I kept this well hidden but I have some serious trust issues."

Robin gasped in mock surprise. "No! Say it ain't so!"

Rolling his eyes with a sly grin on his face, he carried on. "But I trusted him with my life – I still do. I trust both of you like that and I know how rare it is to get that in your life, so the idea that this….this…person, is fucking with him makes me crazy."

Smiling, she traced her fingertips along his jaw. "See this…this right here is how I know you are going to be a brilliant father. Your loyalty and your protective instincts….our child is going to be very blessed."

Wrapping her in his arms, he hugged her tightly. "Blessed because of both parents," he added.

"Are you going to tell him you read the letters?" she asked quietly, resting her head on his chest.

"I don't know" he admitted honestly. "But I do know that I wouldn't be alive if it weren't for him, which means I would miss out on loving you and our baby, so I need to make sure he's okay and give him whatever he needs"

Lifting her head, she smiled lovingly at him. "You're amazing."

"Not really," he protested lightly, "I just want to hold on to what matters to me."